Why do I do this. How do I get rit of it?

[Foreigner]

I think 15 is too young to really be doing drugs. Your brain is still developing - don't fuck with that. Period. That's my response to you, for now.

When you're older, if you want to try drugs, make sure you are educated in harm reduction, and risks. And be aware, that even with a good drug experience, your brain is still being changed in ways that you will not be able to understand until one day you are doing some core self-reflection and realize you are no longer the same person as when you started, with the same capabilities or perceptions.

My honest to god opinion is... drugs expanded my consciousness in a lot of useful ways. They helped me to see the world through new eyes and learn about parts of myself that I never knew possible. That was the good. The bad? I probably did a lot of damage to the areas of my brain that are in charge of regulating mood, happiness, pleasure, etc. I do a lot of healing work with others in my profession, and I do a lot of good. I have a career, I have a stable lifestyle. But I still see the ways that drugs have permanently altered me in ways that make me different than the average person. Drugs taught me how to creatively cope with my mental health issues, but on the flipside they probably magnified my mental health problems anyway. So it was a bit of a catch-22. I later decided that the only stuff I would continue to do is psychedelics like LSD, shrooms, MDMA on the very very rare occasion (like every few years), and pot. But the thing that brought me to Bluelight was an LSD trip that traumatized me so badly that I am not doing ANY mind altering anymore.

When you get altered, you are altering yourself for good. You will never be the same. Best case scenario, you learn some interesting stuff, and come out if it relatively unscathed. Worst case, you follow a trail of addiction down the rabbit hole and you have an impossible time clawing your way back out.

Either way... you are 15, and starting now will really do you a disservice. You exhibit a lot of intelligence. Don't waste that. You haven't even started living life yet. Think about why you want drugs so badly. Is it boredom? Is it just wanting to feel good? Is it trying to fill a hole because your life sucks? Is it mere entertainment? Think about it.

Whatever your answer is, there is another way you can approach that issue than doing drugs. My advice to you is to wait.

 

[JJ-180]

Sorry people. I wasn't trying to be smug or self-righteous about it. And I certainly wouldn't be arrogant enough to claim I know how teenagers feel/think (I have a teenage daughter myself and even after 16 years I don't have a clue bout what she thinks/feels, really. I'm just there for her.) And Kayla- I wasn't giving anyone an "excuse" to take drugs. Yes, I've survived nearly half a century of drug abuse and use.and I'm only too aware that there's been an element of luck to it(quite a few of my friends didn't get off nearly so lightly), but it's taken real willpower at times.It is easier (IMO) to just stop using than to be self-disciplined.There are no easy "right" answers here, just some answers that are less wrong than others.

 

[lars90]

we will see Lars when you grow up.................... i hope you can make it through and i wrote you another post i wish you would just really consentrate on that one not my response and opinion i am only looking out for your your well being. why be rude when some one is only speaking fromt eh heart because i know how heart breaking and distructive drugs can be and i knew you ould love that post since he i telling a 15 yea old its okay if your gonna do them just be disiplined your 15 this lifestyle will ruin your fucking life i am only trying to save you from what so many of u already are going through...

i am just concerned i am not trying to be mean....... and what i mean by kids and teenagers is because once you a drug addict teen we are pretty much all the fucking same we get addicted and we look for excuses and reasons to use if you follow the path you will grow up and know "what i am talking about"

good luck ill unsubscribe to your thread...i was only trying to help and save you from a life of pure fucking hell no matter how disiplined you are and yes i knew you would love that post........its your life good luck.

Oh no I didnt mean to be reude but I can be a fuckign asshole some times. I understand what you're writing and a aprishiate it I was jsut putting my two sense to it... I know I was rude sorry bot that.

@Alex000
Its intresting when you say get high of life becuas eI know what oyu mean. I actually wrote a text about it for the sake of nothing jsut for fun for my self. Its a description of "regaining the feelings you and smells you had before a long while". Their are trigger .. Also I have heard about the runners high and had it. That was a very very very good post thank you I apreshiate very word of that

@harlands as you probaly know thats easyier said then done


@Foreigner thanlk you for that. Was it really worth it? I know LSD is some pretty hardcore stuff. Very traumatisning if you have the wrong settings. I cant answer that question its just to hard have triued myna yof times but its all of those answeres together.

 

[slackhands]

You want a reason to stay away?

How about this.

I'm 28.
I was married to the women of my dreams,
we had a beautiful baby boy
I was a well known musician, had an internal studio in my house on 5 acres and thousands worth of gear
I was making 75k a year min
I loved every day of my life.

Now, I have barely any fucking teeth.
I'm on liquid handcuffs (methadone)
My kid was taken from me, I see him in a monitored room once a week for 3 hours
Ive been to jail.
Ive had guns in my face, Ive had guns in others faces
Ive watched my friends die
I've lost my wife
I've lost my house, my studio, my gear, my respect as a musician, my career

I used to say there wasnt anything better than getting high, pure MDMA, a sack of grass, eventually some black tar Heroin, Cocaine on the reg literally hittin up a ball a day... living large huh. Look where I am now.

You want to stay away from drugs you go walk around the homeless shelters late at night and see what drugs have done to people. This site probably saved my life via harm reduction but if it can further save a life by teaching you that not everything that feels good needs to be done. It might feel good to cheat on your wife but are you going to? No, because right after you finish up you feel guilty, it may feel good to rob someone when you havent eaten in three days, but then you score and feel like a piece of shit for hurtin another person and bury it and before you know it everything that feels good feels bad cause it has an opposite reaction.

I wont change your life, only you can. Just remember, there isnt any glory in going out with a needle in your arm. I'd take it all back, all of it for just one more night back with my wife loving me and my son sleeping under the same roof.

That's terrible mate. Stories like this really do slap me across my face sometimes. I'm not even close to being as successful as you were and yet I still persist on using drugs when I'm feeling shit. I think people like myself and Lars should really be thankful we haven't quite ruined our lives, and keep this example in the forefront of our minds whenever we're even thinking about drugs.

 

[shezinphx]

I experienced a lot of what you described as a child. The biggest reason for me was boredom. You seem really smart and you should use that to your advantage. You should try to keep yourself busy by getting involved in some extra curricular activities. Start a journal, read books, and just simply stay occupied. I can tell you that a lot of teens and young adults will eventually mature out of drug use and experience no problems but if you are having doubts about that now then you should focus on trying to mature out of drug use now rather than later. Take your experiences and learn from them. You can even try to help those who are in similar situations as you. Maybe you could try counseling? I know from experience that it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but one thing that I can say is that once your mind is clear from all the toxic chemicals that you are ingesting, you will eventually see things from a different perspective. Life is really amazing if you try hard enough to see it that way.

 

[ihatepipes]

I'm gonna try and keep this as short as possible but please take it seriously!

I'm only 15 years old and I have a heart for drugs. I don't know why but the few times I have tried them I loved them. I always have these mental cravings and I don't think if anyone would sweat talk me into using a drug I could say no. Even after my fall down with DXM I still want to use them.

I read about this in a book I bought about psychiatry ( The Owner's Manual for The Brain) it is a book that is for college student but I am really interested in these kind of stuff. So back to the topic, I read about bullys having not feeling bad after beating up somebody. They will do anything for their best and font feel a hint of guilt for it. Its some kind of deficit that I ran across while looking over ADHD which I have. I mean its not like I would ever hurt anyone if they didn't deserve it and even afterwards I feel bad about it but with drugs I don't. I don't have this feeling of guilt when I have them in my hands I feel like " Yes finally can get high again cant wait to try this". I have always had all of this so don't think it related to DXM.

I mean why am I like this any other smart kid could say no to drugs and say "I'm not a idiot I'm not gonna try". Even the dumbest teen I know in my age who is my friend knows better. WHY NOT ME?

I just don't get it. I don't wanna do drugs! I don't wanna die of an overdose or go to jail for persession of drugs.

Here what my story is for drugs and remember I'm only fucking 15!

at the age 12: I got drunk for the first time in the school buss after some kid in my school brought alcohol with him. He was like " wanna drink something?" I said "sure" so I took about 5 shots of 40% rum. I was the only one of me and my friends to do it.

at the age 13: I get caught with weed in school. I had only smoked it once before without an effect this was the first real time I actually had 6 grams in my hand for 5$. I always thought you could hallucinate from weed so I wanted to try it. Also my parents smoke weed I didn't know by then but they never told me anything bad about weed. They always said Ill do it with you when your 21. I mean What the fucking hell?!!!!! Another kid did it as well that was my friend.

at the end 13: I got so drunk that I though up all over my bed and my parents were about to send me to the hospital cause I got so drunk and I was choking on my own though up. I felt so bad the next time and from that point on haven't touched it again! I did that with friends. that was like the 5th time I did it until I got that drunk. Oh and I almost had sex with a girl that I was drinking with after just have meat her. I got a bj from a nother girl on another day.


at the age 14: I tried DXM and totally fell in love with the feeling the second time I did it. I felt no guilt what soever because I dint know the power of it and I dint justify it as a REAL drug. Then I took a pain pill (I-ibuprofen) before taking DX and it ended it up in a 2 week high. After that I swore never to do it again. I felt the side effects after those 2 weeks. They lasted for a good 4 weeks until the BAD effects when away. I'm still stuck with some of them and I'm on week 12 now. (muscle ticks in legs, bad concentration, bad picture memory, bad long term memory).

at the age of 14: Between my DXM experiences I took nutmeg just to fill the hole the mental addiction left form DXM.


I mean I'm on a school for smart kids I'm really not dumb please feel with me here. I am bilingual and my parents both went to Columbia college. I do not get bad grades and I know how to study. I have dyslexia and ADD. I got a medication a long time ago Methadril (or something like that.). Just a little while ago I found out that it was actually amphetamines so I wanted to make a friend try it. Luckily I red some bad stuff about it and my friend was their and he sad he wouldn't do it so I said no to. But I'm still debating if I should take just 1 pill (the amount I use to take when I was 12 against ADD) for better concentration.

I mean I just don't fell enough guilt I have all these bad thinks I could do with out even felling a pinch of guilt WHY. And how to a get to the point where I actually do this is terrible I mean I can like already predict the future!

hey Lars, I just wanted to comment on your post because I read it four or five days ago and didn't really know what to say at that time. I also have to say that I read some replies but not all of them and I don't remember any of them so forgive me if this has already been said. I just want to get it down before I lose my train of thought.

First of all I want to congratulate you for being extremely intelligent. Your posts are always eloquent and I may be wrong but it seems like english is not even your first language and you do very well at making barely any grammatical mistakes at all.

Now on to my opinion of your situation. It is healthy for you to read about drugs and their effects so when anytime you try something you will know what you are getting into, and if you do not know about the substance in question i'd be willing to bet my bottom dollar you are smart enough to research it before you even think about trying it. If you don't already always make sure there are no possibility of interactions with other drugs you may be taking.

As far as having a heart for drugs at 15 I did too and I was very much like you reading everything and sometimes even college texts I came across also. I always researched the drugs I did and I never ever ended up in the hospital one time as a result of research (erowid.org or something else if erowid did not have a vault on it. however, pretty much any drug I was looking to try at that point would have been on there as research chemicals were not really big then).

Fast forward 15 years I have abused drugs on and off during my life and they have caused me many problems (PM me and I will go into detail as long as our conversation remains confidential).

SO based on that here is my advice to you: give up researching drugs and replace the thoughts about drugs with thoughts of something that will be profitable for you later in life! One suggestion I will throw out is computers ITT specialists make big bucks, and based on my perceived level of your intelligence if you threw yourself into that and learned everything about it you could be doing freelance work by 18 and making big bucks for it too. That is just a suggestion, you can pick whatever interests you the most. Just research possible salaries on line so you balance your decision between the income you want vs how much you want to like your job.

I really can tell your a good kid and you don't even have to stay away from drugs completely, however, I would suggest that you give your mind the chance to develop at least until you're 18. Everything in moderation and refrain from using hard drugs because they almost always help you become miserable.

Like I was very similar to you when I was your age and if you want to ask me more questions here that is fine but if you want me to go into detail about troubles drugs caused me I wouldn't like to fully disclose that information on the open forum so that would need to be done via PM.

I wish you the best,

I Hate Pipes

 

[lars90]

hey Lars, I just wanted to comment on your post because I read it four or five days ago and didn't really know what to say at that time. I also have to say that I read some replies but not all of them and I don't remember any of them so forgive me if this has already been said. I just want to get it down before I lose my train of thought.

First of all I want to congratulate you for being extremely intelligent. Your posts are always eloquent and I may be wrong but it seems like english is not even your first language and you do very well at making barely any grammatical mistakes at all.

Now on to my opinion of your situation. It is healthy for you to read about drugs and their effects so when anytime you try something you will know what you are getting into, and if you do not know about the substance in question i'd be willing to bet my bottom dollar you are smart enough to research it before you even think about trying it. If you don't already always make sure there are no possibility of interactions with other drugs you may be taking.

As far as having a heart for drugs at 15 I did too and I was very much like you reading everything and sometimes even college texts I came across also. I always researched the drugs I did and I never ever ended up in the hospital one time as a result of research (erowid.org or something else if erowid did not have a vault on it. however, pretty much any drug I was looking to try at that point would have been on there as research chemicals were not really big then).

Fast forward 15 years I have abused drugs on and off during my life and they have caused me many problems (PM me and I will go into detail as long as our conversation remains confidential).

SO based on that here is my advice to you: give up researching drugs and replace the thoughts about drugs with thoughts of something that will be profitable for you later in life! One suggestion I will throw out is computers ITT specialists make big bucks, and based on my perceived level of your intelligence if you threw yourself into that and learned everything about it you could be doing freelance work by 18 and making big bucks for it too. That is just a suggestion, you can pick whatever interests you the most. Just research possible salaries on line so you balance your decision between the income you want vs how much you want to like your job.

I really can tell your a good kid and you don't even have to stay away from drugs completely, however, I would suggest that you give your mind the chance to develop at least until you're 18. Everything in moderation and refrain from using hard drugs because they almost always help you become miserable.

Like I was very similar to you when I was your age and if you want to ask me more questions here that is fine but if you want me to go into detail about troubles drugs caused me I wouldn't like to fully disclose that information on the open forum so that would need to be done via PM.

I wish you the best,

I Hate Pipes

Thank you for that.I will pm you. I actually got my self into some pretty messed up stuff with DXM. Its been 13 weeks now sense the last time on DXM where I was high for 4 weeks (inlcuding side effects). I still fall into those dazes and every now and then I get flash backs. It happens about every 2 weeks. I feel disy and totally wierd.
Also I can not picture things very well anymore. Its like the people or things I try to picture are holding a black pice of paper in front of their faces and waving it so I get short glances of their faces until they dissapear behing the black sheet of paper. Also the snowy vison and the muscel tics. They just arent going away which is really scaring me. And then I still after 13 fucking weeks get these strong cravings and I think these are the biggest reason for my drug problem at the moment once I get rid od the cravings the problem will only be half as big.

Yeah my intrests include researching the brain and chemicles and programming/white hat hacking.

 

[Xi_]

You're just curious about drugs. Well, it's not worth it. And stay away from amphetamines... I sort of relate to you, besides i lost all of my friends and trust of my family by amphs... I'm clean now, and i have to "work my way up" again, but this time all alone. Find yourself a hobby, even if it's something your current friends don't like, you'll meet new friends, but drug friends are rarely real friends...

EDIT: 6 Months ago, I could write a whole paragaph, but look at my silly post now...
I get back to you tomorrow, take care mate!

 

[5meoh]

I know its been a while, but I'm happy if my life story can help at least one person. I've been thinking of writing a book recently. We'll see where that goes now that I'm starting to get my shit back together a bit. Cheers everyone.

 

[5meoh]

I feel you and am sorry for what you've gone thru... i was a musician too *Am a musician - classical viola (even tho I'm a tattooed up goth chick!). i was in an orchestra and many string quartets. alcohol ruined ALL of it. all of it.

happily, I'm playing with some old boys from some old bands and we're getting a good rep from the past year of shows, things are coming back together. Slowly, and nowhere near the same life I had before but it's better than death. I hope things have gotten better for you. Cheers,

 

[Xorkoth]

You want a reason to stay away?

How about this.

I'm 28.
I was married to the women of my dreams,
we had a beautiful baby boy
I was a well known musician, had an internal studio in my house on 5 acres and thousands worth of gear
I was making 75k a year min
I loved every day of my life.

Now, I have barely any fucking teeth.
I'm on liquid handcuffs (methadone)
My kid was taken from me, I see him in a monitored room once a week for 3 hours
Ive been to jail.
Ive had guns in my face, Ive had guns in others faces
Ive watched my friends die
I've lost my wife
I've lost my house, my studio, my gear, my respect as a musician, my career

I used to say there wasnt anything better than getting high, pure MDMA, a sack of grass, eventually some black tar Heroin, Cocaine on the reg literally hittin up a ball a day... living large huh. Look where I am now.

You want to stay away from drugs you go walk around the homeless shelters late at night and see what drugs have done to people. This site probably saved my life via harm reduction but if it can further save a life by teaching you that not everything that feels good needs to be done. It might feel good to cheat on your wife but are you going to? No, because right after you finish up you feel guilty, it may feel good to rob someone when you havent eaten in three days, but then you score and feel like a piece of shit for hurtin another person and bury it and before you know it everything that feels good feels bad cause it has an opposite reaction.

I wont change your life, only you can. Just remember, there isnt any glory in going out with a needle in your arm. I'd take it all back, all of it for just one more night back with my wife loving me and my son sleeping under the same roof.

This made me cry a little bit. I'm so sorry man. I lost my wife too because of drugs, though in my case it's for the best and I'm happier without her and our relationship that had grown toxic for other reasons I hadn't been willing to face. But it still hurts. I don't know what I'd do if I felt that I should still be with her. It's hard enough anyway.

EDIT: So glad to hear things are starting to come back together.

To the OP: lots of smart people use drugs. I'm a smart person and I have had a lot of trouble with drugs. I didn't start til I was 17 but from the first time I successfully got high from weed, I started smoking it every single day. I have a strong desire to use drugs, just to be altered. I got rid of my opiate addiction after 10 years of slowly destroying my life with them, and I still struggle sometimes with frequency of use of the drugs I still use, which are psychedelics and weed. I have to watch myself like a hawk to avoid slipping into unhealthy patterns of use. There is nothing inherently wrong or immoral about taking drugs, though 15 is too young for sure (as is 17). I believe an adult can still live a healthy and happy life with drugs in it, but it can be very difficult to draw the line.

 

[Uber_Penguin]

Wow, this is quite a thread.

I too am a guy who's quite interested in psychology and psychiatry (really, how many people on BL aren't?), and that's why I have to say I think many here, despite their obvious good intentions, are taking the wrong approach. To me the issue isn't trying to scare you into not using drugs, I'm sure you already know damn well exactly how devastating getting addicted to drugs can be, and if just telling someone "Hey, DON'T DO DRUGS!" worked no one would ever start using drugs. Did that "just say no" bullshit Nancy Reagan (that was her, right? Idk, I was born just before Clinton took office, so the only hokey, laughably ineffective anti-drug campaign I got was DARE) came up with ever work out? People have been trying to scare kids into not using and telling them as adamantly as humanly possible to just not do drugs, and throwing all the bad stuff that can happen in their faces...yet most of us admit it's all been a huge fucking failure, so how would doing the same thing change and become effective just because it's coming from us?

No, what's going to be most important for you is figuring out what it is that's making you want to get high and nipping that shit in the bud before you go down that road and start getting used to using drugs as a means of self medication. One thing I'd absolutely recommend to you, and one thing I wish I would've done way back in my experimental phase, is to go see a therapist with experience in dealing with substance abuse and maybe a psychiatrist. Any questions you have an appropriately experienced therapist will be able to help you out with (far, far better than we could in a venue like this), he'll be able to work with you to find out what it is you're missing in your life that you're trying to substitute drugs for, and if it turns out that if therapy alone isn't working then you can bring in medication for backup. One thing I think we can all agree on is that now is the time, especially because if you're already struggling with the urge to self medicate there's a very good chance that once you get over that hump and into hard drugs that shit's going to start going downhill very, very quickly.

So yeah, no amount of people telling you you shouldn't use and no amount of guilt or shame is going to help you to quit. Hell, if anything usually guilt and shame just increase feelings of isolation and exacerbate the problem. Ultimately if you really want to stop using, you're going to have to find what it is that's making you want to do it and address it. Just trying not to use does not work, and all you're doing by trying to go that route is setting yourself up for failure and potentially making yourself feel much worse when you do slip up.
If you're interested in psychology and psychiatry, I'd also recommend researching the issue and getting a little more well versed on how the human mind works in respect to addiction, and what's going on behind the scenes that drives it. In my opinion addiction is very much so tied to the very core of what humans are and understanding addiction is really a key part of understanding what makes humans and society as a whole tick. After all, knowledge is one of the best weapons one could have against addiction, so you'd be helping yourself out in a lot of different ways by looking into the matter more deeply.

Oh, and btw, just remember that doing drugs has nothing to do with intellect. As you get older you'll realize some of the smartest people around are the most prone to addiction because their capacity for thought tends to cause them much more psychological distress, so don't think being smart or practicing rational thought will save a person.