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    Horrible devastating DMT trip 
    #1
    Ok so first some background information I am a very experienced psychedelic drug user, I've smoked weed every day for the last 5 years with the exception of tolerance breaks, I've tripped on LSD over a 100 times sometimes taking very large doses, and prior to this experience had smoked DMT about 8 or 9 times.
    Also before this trip there were 3 trips that defined things for me I guess. The first one was a DOB trip where I took a ridiculously large amount and tripped for about 33 hours at peak! and it was the most euphoric pleasurable experience of my life and is probably what I've been trying to chase and get back all these years. The second was my first real acid trip with a large dose this trip was good and I believed everyone was me in a joyful way, then something happened at the 4 hour mark I somewhat became possessed so to speak by something undescribable and started to get a strong feeling that I was in fact the only thing here and all I see is merely fantasy blocking me from the fact that I'm all alone. Then the next couple of times I did a high dose acid trip I believed that everyone was me in different bodies and although this wasn't great I much prefered this than being all on my own with just imaginary figments, and this seemed to be true for me for quite some time.
    Anyhow now to the trip, the day before I'd taken some LSD just a tab nothing intense just a bit of fun. In the morning I smoked some DMT not a large amount as I was quite cautious as I hadn't done it in a while it was rather pleasurable but nothing revelatory. So later on in the night in my room I decided I'd have another small amount of DMT the same amount as earlier in the day as I didnt feel like a fully blown trip just wanted a little fun.
    So with the pipe loaded and incredible string bands "Three is a Green crown" song on I lit the DMT and literally as soon as the smoke came out reality snapped/disappeared/evaporated. As I blew the smoke out of the window this "Spirit" entered me, the smoke was barely out of my mouth when I started getting dragged through these coloured tunnels I was somewhere else somewhere more real than the world I once knew. As this was happening there was this insatiable feeling coming from this spirit (Who may be me or my sub concious) that I am the only one that exists and that everything is just imaginary, this made me feel very alone and bad, a picture of my mother came up and then faded away as if to say she never really loved me as she never really existed I just imagined her to deal with the reality of being alone. I then somewhat fainted face down in to a pillow and with eyes closed still in this different dimension felt as though I was dieing and returning to the true reality from whence I came, I then realised I was actually dieing my face was pressed against the pillow and I couldn't breathe at this point I lifted my head insantly and opened my eyes. (It is important to know that I wasn't controlling this I was merely observing I was possesed by what appeared to be me outside of the simulation coming in, also this all seemed to happen within 60 seconds real time). When I opened my eyes I was back in my room but half of it was different in a way I can't describe.
    The horibble weird things didn't stop I started to realise I had already done this before and had this exact same trip as though I was living this all again and was angry at myself for smoking the DMT again (However now I've come down I realised I never did have this trip before, but I wasn't sure if I'd lived this life before and life is just an endless cycle of the same thing living the exact same life unaware until I'm on large dose psychedelic drugs). Then even freakier the incredible string band song has a line which goes "Life remembering Life" this line looped what seemed 8 times as I was actually remembering this perhaps infinite number of previous lives, in real life the line plays one time but here it played 8 times over and over and I had to turn my ipod off to stop it the negative creepy feeling at this point was beyond anything, also the song had 5 stars on the display when it only has four.
    Then I had my pipe in my hand, there was a bowl on 3 sides of the pipe I kept spinning it and seeing and feeling a bowl on each of the three sides instead of the regular one again I had to throw my pipe for this to end, this was also strange as the song I had been listening to was called "THREE is a green crown", I then looked at facebook on my laptop to grind me back to reality hopefully somehow someone had posted a picture using a webcam effect had warped there face to look as though it only had one eye in the position of the third eye, (This had a profound effect in me too though I can fully remember what it was) then I somewhat gained control of my mind again but I was affected. The things that happened seemed to show there was no way reality is real, the fact that the song I chose corellated with my experience where I was remembering I'd done all this before with the song looping life remembering life I see no way how things can be real. None of this felt fake it felt more real than anything before and this makes me sad.
    I spent the next couple of hours in a horibble state of anxious depression trying to convince myself it was all just fantasy but the facts seem against me. I drunk Brandy to ease the horrible inner tension and watched episode after episode of seinfeld in an attempt to bring me back to reality forget it all happened live ignorantly. What made me feel even worse both during the trip and in reflection was the fact I was putting myself through these horrible experiences I was the only one that existed and I was the one putting myself through this pain, for the first time in my life I felt somewhat evil for some reason I wanted to put myself through these masochistic experiences for the whole of eternity.
    I started coming up with ideas that maybe the bible is true and I was posessed by some sort of demon convincing me of these bad things or that maybe it was a different part of me it felt like tha part of me that creates my dreams was controlling it and maybe I was just insane. Both of these options seemed much more enjoyable than being completely alone torturing myself for all eternity, but that's what seemed to be true.
    Today is the next day surprisingly I had a somewhat decent sleep of 4 hours, I am still shaken up by it and still deep down believe that I am alone here but the possibility of demon posession and possible insanity gives me hope and allows me to keep going. I still am anxious as ever and took the day off work today to try and regain myself and inevitably I'll have to assume everyone does exist again even though I don't believe it.
    Anyway that will be the last time I ever smoke DMT again and probably the last time I do LSD in fear of some sort of flashback, I would also strongly advise other users if in fact you exist and arent just a figment of my imagination that you don't smoke DMT ever, the mere fact this sort of experience is possible is too much of a risk, last nights trip was somewhat of a life wrecker and I now have to wait for time to heal my wounds. Also you must note that I've done double possibly even triple this dose before with nothing like this which confused me very much however this is the first time I have smoked it twice in one day.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by didier.johnson View Post
    I spent the next couple of hours in a horibble state of anxious depression trying to convince myself it was all just fantasy but the facts seem against me. I drunk Brandy to ease the horrible inner tension and watched episode after episode of seinfeld in an attempt to bring me back to reality forget it all happened, live ignorantly.

    Brilliant, you are not alone in this universe brother, I know that reality you speak of.

    I have no advice to offer, I haven't fully worked it out yet, It's one of those things that huants the back of ones mind, the absolute lonliness possibility. All I can offer is it nod my head in your direction, tip my hat to you as a fellow psychonaught across hyperspace and say good on you for having the courage to make the investigation, the universe is a fucking whacky place, i'm kind of placing my metaphysical hopes and bets on it all being a divine comedy, that the zen masters are right, that in the end all that's left is laughter.

    That thought gives me hope, and hope is a rare and special commodity to have.

    peace
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    #3
    I appreciate your reply, but from this perspective I'm in I couldn't take advice even if you were to give it to me, for I do not know you are real and I never will, you're advice could just be my fantasy world tricking me back in to the illusion I can't trust anyone I feel that no one can help me because I just can't trust them.
    I guess you know you're in a bad situation when being possessed by a demon seems to be the best possible scenario. Still I am no stranger to bad trips and am feeling a lot better than one would expect from such an experience, though if life will ever be what it was seems very unlikely.
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    #4
    Was your life situation positive before the trip? Have you been lonely before the trip? How is your social life?
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    #5
    Yes the thing is I was fine, I'd had a pretty good 2 days, and was completely fearless going in to it due to the dose but when I breathed out I became possesed and was just shown complete and utter horrible darkness and I just don't know how to get past it now, I just don't know how I'm going to be motivated to work each day. I'm in a bad place.
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    #6
    Your thoughts, as overwhelming as they can be, are far from being original. If you google "Eternal Return" you'll find even on wikipedia that most religions deal with the concept of an endless cycle of birth, life, and death. Hinduism, Buddhism, as well as western philosophers, most notably Nietzsche. They all recognize that the out-there reality is impossible to be proven real, and everything I can know about the world for sure is that I exist.

    I advise you to go beyond a simple wikipedia level and actually read more about Hinduism, Buddhism or Nietzsche. They all seek ways to deal with this concept and make it beautiful instead of horrifying.

    "My formula for human greatness is amor fati (love of fate): that one wants to have nothing different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely to bear the necessary, still less to conceal it—all idealism is mendaciousness before the necessary—but to love it" Nietzsche
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    #7
    DMT can be very unpredictable, sometimes large doses don't do much and yes, sometimes very small doses can produce strange and overwhelming effects. I once smoked a small amount and ended up blacking out with my eyes rolling in the back of my head, sticking my tongue out as far as I could, although I had no memory of the experience after. DMT seems to do what it wants sometimes. I have had all kinds of similar trips on a variety of substances, ketamine seems to give me the feeling that I am the only thing that exists and everything else is an illusion more frequently than anything else.

    I think one thing you should consider is what if you're not real either! Maybe everything is a transient illusion, but that probably means you're an illusion too, so you're not alone. It seems like your suffering comes from the idea that you just "know" that you're the only one that exists, but just think of how many possible realities you could possibly experience in a DMT trip, or in a dream, or in waking life! The possibilities are infinite! Trips like that make me think that all I know is that I really don't know anything, I don't know whats real and whats not real, what or who I am, if there is a god etc. Which to me in the end is comforting and exciting, infinitely better than a per-determined per-defined universe.

    Psychedelics can be complicated in this way, because it is true that they are great fun, but sometimes can lead to the most serious experiences of ones life at very unexpected moments. Alot of practices like meditation and yoga aim to access experiences like this but they build a solid foundation to ground yourself with from extensive self discipline. If you're still not feeling ok soon it might be helpful to try meditation. You can start with just a few minutes a day, sitting up right with your back straight and your legs crossed focus your eyes softly on a point in front of you and center your mind on your breath. You can count your breaths from one to ten over and over. It helps a lot with accepting things and working with your mind in a skillful way. There are many traditions of buddhism and meditation and you can read plenty about them online, I prefer the zen route of buddhism, seems more to the point to me!

    I have had a huge number of trips and have never been negatively effected long term by a trip, besides addiction/ habituation of some drugs, and meditation helps alot with this problem. My brother had an extremely traumatizing trip that left him with bipolar/ PTSD type symptoms for months/ years. He was able to build a meditation practice and achieved emotional stability, and was able to transform his negative experience into personal strength and now he's better of than he was before he had the trip. I hope you can do the same, with patience and an open mind you can turn your experience into strength and knowledge.

    P.S. Obviously avoid psychedelics for a long while, but also remember if you smoke weed it could also bring you right back into the experience.
    Last edited by <SpaceHead>; 12-03-2012 at 03:57.
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    #8
    But how am I to know that this wikipedia article isn't part of my illusion drawing me back in, how do I know those people that say those things actually existed and thought those things? I literally don't know how to get out of this position.
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    #9
    Here is a simple introduction to zazen, the zen buddhist method of meditation. It' pretty simple, just sitting and breathing over and over, try it out for a few minutes, it can really provide a lot of strength to accept things and navigate your mind without further complicating the situation.

    http://www.mro.org/zmm/teachings/meditation.php
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    #10
    It sounds like you encountered the void, and that can be traumatic to anyone.. i had a similar experience a couple of years ago which essentially put an end to my psychedelic use. I was devastated for a long time and fell into a sort of existential crisis, and although the experience itself was traumatic it was ultimately very transformational.. i found a lot of clarity through Zen teachings and over time understood the experience itself with greater depth and wisdom.

    You mention you feel like no body can help you because you cant trust them; there's more truth to that sentence then you may realize. Your been encouraged to trust in yourself.

    I wish you the best of luck didier.
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    #11
    Thank you Malakai although I'm not sure you exist that post really helped a lot.
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    #12
    edit
    Last edited by sockpuppet; 19-08-2012 at 20:51.
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    #13
    Bluelighter Jinux's Avatar
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    Shouldn't this be in Trip Reports mods?
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    #14
    I subscribe to the belief that we are all manifestations of the same force, entity, or what some call God. I think strong psychedelic trips can make us feel like we are that total entity instead of just a part of it. If you take the phrase "break down the ego" literally, it means dissolving the seperation between us because the term ego and identity assert seperation. I have an ego because I assert that I am different from everybody else, that I am not them.

    I am not the chair that I sit on, or the house that I live in, or the people that I live with. I am a seperate part of all of that, an individual. But during a strong trip I felt like I was everything, even though I maintained a sense of sight and ability to talk and move (maybe I was only channeling "everything"). I was suddenly worrying about these cosmic problems like they were my problems, like I thought maybe we keep replaying this mega dream to distract ourselves from loneliness or despair or boredom, or from what I perceived to be the greatest problem of existence. I felt like it was inevitable that we (mutual existence or God) had to face this enormous problem someday but we didn't want to, we wanted to keep playing drama in these dreams even though we realized how pointless and cynical it all is (When coming down I couldn't remember exactly what this big problem was, only that it was there).

    I still believe that existence is more than despair, but maybe when we become All we take our worries with us to that realm and they become cosmic worries. Or maybe God isn't perfect and has their share of problems in addition to universal love.
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    #15
    Bluelighter THCified's Avatar
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    Don't get fooled by the feeling of being alone, as it is, like above said, more like a methaporic way to make you, or better, teach you to believe (more) in yourself. I can't tell you how and why in detail, but trough many different experiences i also learned that i should believe in myself, and so should you. Some drugs aren't called mind-expansive without reason. Don't get fooled and think you are crazy when you are not! It takes forever to realize your mind is "different" now and it takes even longer to "work" with it, but if you believe in yourself and accept it, you'll be right!
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    #16
    I think you should definitely take a break from the heavy psychedelics for a while. No more LSD, no more DMT, or DOB. Drinking is fine and smoking some herb, but stay away from the heavy psychedelics for a few weeks.

    Why? First, it will help you get back to reality and soberness. When you're always in a psychedelic mind frame from drugs, it causes you to think differently and not perceive reality in a soberly and clear way. Just give yourself some time to have a clear head and work things out sober. Second, your tolerance will go away, making it easier to trip in the future. It is always good to take a tolerance break when using any drug to allow your bodies tolerance to diminish.

    Just take a break for a few weeks from the psychedelics, keep your mind sober and clear and deal with the natural/sober aspects of consciousness without any heavy drugs involved.
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    #17
    Solipsism is a common delusion on psychedelics.

    Do you really think you are so special that only you exist in this realm, and that the rest of us are merely figments of your imagination?

    This is a selfish and infantile stance to take.

    Don't be an idiot.
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    #18
    Bluelighter i against i's Avatar
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    have you considered seeing a therapist? why is the possibility that no one else exists a problem?
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    #19
    I don't think it's a selfish stance, it's a stance that was told to me not from me but from me in a different dimension and it's also impossible to disprove, and it was the worst experience of my life to call it selfish is just ridiculous.
    The possibility that no one exists is a problem because I basically live this life to love and be loved in return, and that love fades away when you know it's all imaginary.

    However thanks guys for your replies they have been very helpful, I've smoked a whole bunch of weed the last 2 days and constantly been watching movies to take my mind off it and it has definitely helped and am back in to the assumption that everyone else exists all be it I have my doubts. But I'm not going to take DMT again it's just too damn powerful even for me when I thought I was the king of tripping, and I'm going to get in to Zen as many of you have reccommended, time to get on with life again. Thanks a lot again.
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    #20
    In his defense, I don't think he was "choosing" to feel like he was the only one that existed, the DMT was doing that. It is probably the most powerful psychedelic that exists, so it definitely changes what a person perceives to be true, especially during the trip. His experience of feeling like he was the only one that existed in reality was caused by the drug, not by a conscious choice he made. There are spirit guides and "beings" during a strong DMT trip, so he genuinely believed at the time (due to the drug) that he was the only one that existed.

    As I said, stay away from all heavy psychedelics for a few weeks. Give yourself some time to think sober. Getting drunk and high is really nothing compared to heavy psychedelics, so those aren't a problem. Good luck.
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    #21
    Bluelighter lulzkiller's Avatar
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    I'm amazed that you trust yourself and your own experience that much. Try not to
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    #22
    Bluelighter SONN's Avatar
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    Existence exists dude, read some ayn rand.
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    #23
    Yeah pretty much what Filter said. I wasn't trusting myself I was trusting a being far superior to me that had the ability to completely alter reality, I'd be very surprised if you guys didn't listen to this being if you were in my situation.
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    #24
    A common effect of psychedelics is to convince the tripper that all people are part of one, universal consciousness. Or, in other words, at the deepest level, everybody is one being. And that's you. And me. You are me and I am you, in the words of Shpongle.

    I think this is only a scary or negative thing if you're looking at it from the wrong perspective. Just because you and everyone else are ultimately part of one single identity (God, the Tao, whatever you want to call it), doesn't mean there can't be true love. It's just that, through humanity, God is loving itself. It also doesn't mean that YOU are more real than everyone else. Your next-door neighbor is also the only being in existence. Just manifested in a different body.

    Ultimately, I say, don't try and delude yourself into thinking that your revelation is false. Just realize that it's not an ugly thing. It's beautiful, and in no way is it lonely.
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    #25
    Applecore I've had that revelation that you speak of before, me being you in a different body with a different personality etc. But this was different in the fact that you weren't me in a different body you were just a hologram so to speak devoid of conciousness, I did believe the revelation you said for quite some time until this trip.
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