Ok so first some background information I am a very experienced psychedelic drug user, I've smoked weed every day for the last 5 years with the exception of tolerance breaks, I've tripped on LSD over a 100 times sometimes taking very large doses, and prior to this experience had smoked DMT about 8 or 9 times.
Also before this trip there were 3 trips that defined things for me I guess. The first one was a DOB trip where I took a ridiculously large amount and tripped for about 33 hours at peak! and it was the most euphoric pleasurable experience of my life and is probably what I've been trying to chase and get back all these years. The second was my first real acid trip with a large dose this trip was good and I believed everyone was me in a joyful way, then something happened at the 4 hour mark I somewhat became possessed so to speak by something undescribable and started to get a strong feeling that I was in fact the only thing here and all I see is merely fantasy blocking me from the fact that I'm all alone. Then the next couple of times I did a high dose acid trip I believed that everyone was me in different bodies and although this wasn't great I much prefered this than being all on my own with just imaginary figments, and this seemed to be true for me for quite some time.
Anyhow now to the trip, the day before I'd taken some LSD just a tab nothing intense just a bit of fun. In the morning I smoked some DMT not a large amount as I was quite cautious as I hadn't done it in a while it was rather pleasurable but nothing revelatory. So later on in the night in my room I decided I'd have another small amount of DMT the same amount as earlier in the day as I didnt feel like a fully blown trip just wanted a little fun.
So with the pipe loaded and incredible string bands "Three is a Green crown" song on I lit the DMT and literally as soon as the smoke came out reality snapped/disappeared/evaporated. As I blew the smoke out of the window this "Spirit" entered me, the smoke was barely out of my mouth when I started getting dragged through these coloured tunnels I was somewhere else somewhere more real than the world I once knew. As this was happening there was this insatiable feeling coming from this spirit (Who may be me or my sub concious) that I am the only one that exists and that everything is just imaginary, this made me feel very alone and bad, a picture of my mother came up and then faded away as if to say she never really loved me as she never really existed I just imagined her to deal with the reality of being alone. I then somewhat fainted face down in to a pillow and with eyes closed still in this different dimension felt as though I was dieing and returning to the true reality from whence I came, I then realised I was actually dieing my face was pressed against the pillow and I couldn't breathe at this point I lifted my head insantly and opened my eyes. (It is important to know that I wasn't controlling this I was merely observing I was possesed by what appeared to be me outside of the simulation coming in, also this all seemed to happen within 60 seconds real time). When I opened my eyes I was back in my room but half of it was different in a way I can't describe.
The horibble weird things didn't stop I started to realise I had already done this before and had this exact same trip as though I was living this all again and was angry at myself for smoking the DMT again (However now I've come down I realised I never did have this trip before, but I wasn't sure if I'd lived this life before and life is just an endless cycle of the same thing living the exact same life unaware until I'm on large dose psychedelic drugs). Then even freakier the incredible string band song has a line which goes "Life remembering Life" this line looped what seemed 8 times as I was actually remembering this perhaps infinite number of previous lives, in real life the line plays one time but here it played 8 times over and over and I had to turn my ipod off to stop it the negative creepy feeling at this point was beyond anything, also the song had 5 stars on the display when it only has four.
Then I had my pipe in my hand, there was a bowl on 3 sides of the pipe I kept spinning it and seeing and feeling a bowl on each of the three sides instead of the regular one again I had to throw my pipe for this to end, this was also strange as the song I had been listening to was called "THREE is a green crown", I then looked at facebook on my laptop to grind me back to reality hopefully somehow someone had posted a picture using a webcam effect had warped there face to look as though it only had one eye in the position of the third eye, (This had a profound effect in me too though I can fully remember what it was) then I somewhat gained control of my mind again but I was affected. The things that happened seemed to show there was no way reality is real, the fact that the song I chose corellated with my experience where I was remembering I'd done all this before with the song looping life remembering life I see no way how things can be real. None of this felt fake it felt more real than anything before and this makes me sad.
I spent the next couple of hours in a horibble state of anxious depression trying to convince myself it was all just fantasy but the facts seem against me. I drunk Brandy to ease the horrible inner tension and watched episode after episode of seinfeld in an attempt to bring me back to reality forget it all happened live ignorantly. What made me feel even worse both during the trip and in reflection was the fact I was putting myself through these horrible experiences I was the only one that existed and I was the one putting myself through this pain, for the first time in my life I felt somewhat evil for some reason I wanted to put myself through these masochistic experiences for the whole of eternity.
I started coming up with ideas that maybe the bible is true and I was posessed by some sort of demon convincing me of these bad things or that maybe it was a different part of me it felt like tha part of me that creates my dreams was controlling it and maybe I was just insane. Both of these options seemed much more enjoyable than being completely alone torturing myself for all eternity, but that's what seemed to be true.
Today is the next day surprisingly I had a somewhat decent sleep of 4 hours, I am still shaken up by it and still deep down believe that I am alone here but the possibility of demon posession and possible insanity gives me hope and allows me to keep going. I still am anxious as ever and took the day off work today to try and regain myself and inevitably I'll have to assume everyone does exist again even though I don't believe it.
Anyway that will be the last time I ever smoke DMT again and probably the last time I do LSD in fear of some sort of flashback, I would also strongly advise other users if in fact you exist and arent just a figment of my imagination that you don't smoke DMT ever, the mere fact this sort of experience is possible is too much of a risk, last nights trip was somewhat of a life wrecker and I now have to wait for time to heal my wounds. Also you must note that I've done double possibly even triple this dose before with nothing like this which confused me very much however this is the first time I have smoked it twice in one day.