Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (Help!)

[Animal Mother]

So to extent makes you bpd?
I don't feel like I am, but that paragraph or two that I highlighted describes my thought process to a T and I believe most people think like that. Lat least to a decent extent.

 

[littlepenguin]

So to extent makes you bpd?
I don't feel like I am, but that paragraph or two that I highlighted describes my thought process to a T and I believe most people think like that. Lat least to a decent extent.

"to an extent" doesnt "make you anything," in specifics.
to me, the phrase "to an extent" can mean a whole lot of different things.
To be diagnosed as BPD, there's a list of criteria, and one must meet at LEAST 5 of the criteria.
There may be a lot of people who have this train of thinking, and see things in black and white, and who are extremely emotional (moreso than others, aka "to an extent.")
Perhaps they do not meet any of the other criteria for being BPD though.
This could just indicate that they are very sensitive, very intuitive to others and what they are feeling, etc.

 

[SamuraiDB]

I have a complicated relationship with a woman who I believe to have BPD. She has a history of short-lived relationships with other men, most of whom were either co-workers or superiors at work, at least one of which was with a married man. She struggles to maintain relationships with friends, and has never, even in childhood and adolescence, allowed anyone to get close to knowing her intimately. She had behavioral issues as a teenager, and saw a therapist during most of those years to help with those problems. She regularly attempts to gain favor with friends and boyfriends by overcompensating - buying lavish gifts for friends and taking to extremes to get men to like her.

As for our story, we met almost three years ago - at work - and at the time I was unaware of her pattern of these types relationships and method of personal conduct. When we started dating, we did so without telling any of our co-workers in an effort to keep the rumor mill to a minimum, which turned out to be an effort in futility as we work in a close-knit business where everyone gets involved in each other's personal business due to the amount of time we all spend with each other at work.

The relationship moved forward very quickly, including us having sex on our second date and sharing that we loved each other within a few weeks, although at the time I wasn't sure I meant it. At first I was enamored with her devotion to me, the "commitment" we made to each other, the attention and flattery I received, and loved the fact that we spent all of our time away from work with each other. We were each other's best friend; she took to my interests immediately and was supportive of me during some tough times with my own substance abuse and (unrelated) personal health issues. I always received and reciprocated small showings of emotion, exchanging texts of love randomly throughout the day, and everything seemed to be going well. We moved into a shared apartment eight months after starting our relationship and once we did, we made our superiors at work aware that we were together in an effort to stem the tide of anyone's questioning of our professionalism or motives while at work, which really seemed to be her only motivation - making sure that she could maintain the facade of confidence and competency of her position and further advance herself professionally.

After ten months of living together, and starting to plan our future together (including buying a home), I decided to ask her to marry me. We got engaged almost exactly a year ago to the day I write this, and once we were engaged she was the proudest person alive, showing off her ring to anyone who would look at it, and posting on Facebook about how happy she was to be marrying her best friend. But in reality, this is when the relationship took a turn for the worse. We began getting distant from each other shortly thereafter; she changed her day off at work to "get some alone time", we started speaking less and less at home, and our sex life became almost non-existent. Three and a half months after getting engaged, she felt that we "needed a break" and spent over a week in a hotel alone, all while we still saw each other at work four days a week. As I could feel the rapid devolution of our relationship, we had "the Talk" exactly four months after getting engaged, and she said that she was now happier alone and away from me and moved in with her family and out of our home. We obviously ended our engagement, and within a month she had moved all of her belongings out of my apartment and into a new place she had found a few miles away.

Since the termination of our relationship her behavior has taken a dramatic change for the worse, including sharing intimate photos of herself with other women at work, going through brief and tumultuous relationships with two other men, and drinking heavily on weekends when she never drank at all during our relationship. She has abandoned close friends, myself and my family, and even contacted members of my family questioning my mental health - she asked my brother "if he knew that I was suicidal". It has been seven months since she left me, with the shame and embarrassment of having to face my friends, family, and colleagues who all know that I was "left behind", yet I still harbor some small part of me that wants to see her get help and correct her issues with maintaining personal relationships. She had confirmed to me that I got closer to her than any past boyfriend, I was the only person with whom she co-habitated, and was the only man she was engaged to, so I obviously feel some sense of duty as a man and caring human being to help her, despite her telling me not to contact her at all since any of my last attempts to become involved were interpreted by her as "the actions of a stalker". Our work relationship is noticeably icy, but has some random glimmers of hope and positivity, and while I am sure it is sheer naïveté, I feel that we will always care about each other on a personal level.

So after all if this, I ask those of you perusing and contributing to this forum, for useful advice and assistance. Is my non-professional diagnosis of BPD that far off? She has suffered from migraines for as long as I have known her, and I wonder if this is either a by-product or symptom of a mental disorder? And if so, is there any hope that she will get better, either physically or mentally? While I am sure that she is not currently in the position of allowing me to get close enough to her to help, what can I do to see that she gets what she needs?

Thanks!

 

[scarletcross]

So here goes. Im in love with a woman that has bpd. Its confusing but im hopelessly addicted to her. We have had our ups and downs and we cant seem to quit each other we have tried. somedays its tough she tells me to find happiness with someone else but im more than happy with her. I cant help but to give her all of me and somedays she doubts me telling me to leave before I get the chance to hurt her she says she wont be able to handle the pain. hurting her has never been an option for me. There are some days we love each other more than I ever thought possible. I would sacrifice anything for this woman. even my own sanity if I have any. Im new to trying to understand BPD. If anyone out there has good advise about how to make it work I could use it I don't need to know how to walk away but need to know how to lift her up when shes unable to get up herself. im unable to give up literally unable. she is my drug of choice and I want to be the one as she is for me. I hope that someone on here loves a woman the same way and is able to give some helpful advise.

 

[zzITCHY420zz]

I did not write this but I could have

This is something to keep in mind for people who are trying to maintain a relationship with someone with BPD

You wanted to know the worst about me, the things I told no one and hid below the surface. How do I explain it? How do I explain who I am when I am not even sure of it myself? How do I put into words the worst parts of me that I have run from for so long? I will tell you my secrets, I will tell you everything. Maybe it will help me. Maybe you will hate me for it or maybe you will understand. I don't know, but I am sick of running. So here it is, I will give you what you want.

I hate you. That is not true, but sometimes I think it is. I will not answer the phone when you call, even though I want to talk to you. I will not call you, even though it is all I want to do. I will not reach out to you, even though every part of me wants to. I will be mad at you, I will want to hurt you, I will drive you away because I am afraid to let you closer. I need your constant attention, your reassurances, but I will greet them with cold indifference. I will be jealous of the attention you give others, and I will get mad at you for ignoring me. I will feel close to you and care for you one day, only to be mad and want you out of my life the next.

I am an emotional amnesiac, maybe I always have been. I take each event, each day, each conversation as a seperate event, always looking for signs that you might hurt me. When I feel neglected, I will get mad and forget that the day before you told me how much you cared. I am an inconsistent mess. There is a part of me who is happy and confident and another part that is insecure and needy. These days, I never know which one it will be. Every time I think I am in control, that I know you care and I feel comfortable with our relationship, the fear and doubt will come back. Maybe with time it will go away completely, but doubt it. All it will take is another close relationship, another new friend, another day and it will be back.

You ask what you can do and I do not know what to say. The needy part of me wants your constant attention, it needs your words and thoughts, your presence. But I know that is not the answer, I must accept the limitations on our relationship. The scared part of me wants you out of my life because it would be easier. The hateful part of me wants to hurt you because it thinks you have hurt me. All I can ask you to do is to understand, to not give up. I will ignore you at times, I may be rude to you, I may try to hurt you. I may hide from you and wait for you to reach out to me, so I know you will care. It is not fair to do these things, but I will. I cannot ask you to put up with this, it is not fair and no matter how I act, I care too much to put you through this. But you asked, and this is all I have to tell you.

I do not like this. I do not like that I am needy and clinging. I do not like that I hurt people. I do not like that I am rude and sarcastic to those around me. I do not like this part of myself. For years, I have ignored this and pretended it was me, but I have realized that is wrong. This is not me, it is a false identity created to protect me from the world. This was not an easy realization, and perhaps I haven't fully accepted it yet. But I have found my path, I have realized I can change and I can accept this side of me and keep it from becoming who I am. It will not be easy and it will not be quick, but I have faith that I can do it. Perhaps one day I will see me as the person you see behind my defenses, and perhaps one day I will let others see that person as well.

This is for you, but you are many people. You are the people close to me now. You are the people I want to be close to even though I have kept you away. You are the friends I have pushed away in the past, the friends I never forgave and never let back in my life, the friends I never had the chance to tell this to. You are the people I will meet in the future, the people I will care about until once again I push them out of my life. You are the part of me that is still trying to understand who I am. You are all of these people and many more.

interesting writing

ah, oppps sorry, though that was what you were asking for, sorry man. I think I've heard some suggestions just gotta find where I wrote them down.

I suggested the other book because it was starting to help me with the person I was in a relationship with, but sadly never got to fully utilize it as they abandoned me. So to all those who are in a relationship with or have a family member with a BPD person I recommend reading the book.

I honestly can't believe why the person I cared so much about, and she knew how much I cared, completely shut me out. I was falling for her hard, and didn't care that she had her problems. I saw past that and saw the true beauty that lies inside. She could be the biggest bitch, the meanest and cruelest person in the world, but she was also the sweetest individual I've run in to. She'd read me like noone else could, and just hearing her voice would make me feel better. I'm so depressed that I lost that. I don't know if it was from me doing something wrong, or her problems becoming to much, and my presences become to much as well. I think she said to me once that I was giving her love that she didn't think she deserved. I'm not sure if thats why she ran away from me, but no matter the reason my heart got ripped open by her. Sucks cuz she doesn't have that many people in her life that was there for her like me. I just wish I could be her friend and be there for her once again.

damn

 

[triggersandbullets]

I read this and for the first time felt completely understood, which is why I'm so glad to have found it. For me that narrows everything down to the "T", and unfortunately I just now learned about my BPD diagnosis at 22. I have learned it probably stemmed from my childhood molestation and feeling abandoned by my mother because she always left. I have been in 4 failed relationships because of this. It hurts to say that in one of those relationships , I had a child and my relationship lasted 4 years until one day I up and left them both.

 

[llama112]

I have BPD and anxiety and several other issues and I'm sure that contributed into previous relationships ending. That being said, I have gone through a ton of therapists, psychiatrists, doctors, meds, hospital visits, ER visits, etc. to try and get better. I'm a work in progress, really.
The worst thing that happened was my ex yelling "I only stayed with you for so long because of your mental health issues, I thought they'd get better". Those words still sting.
The guy I'm dating now. Within the first couple weeks of seeing him, I told him upfront about my BPD. Because I'm an empathetic person, it's rare to see me so extreme angry but it happens and it can go quickly. So my boyfriend has zero experience with it but he is being very patient learning about it and trying to help me out and do what he can. He's done research on it, etc.
We aren't all crazy. I mean, I guess we kinda are. But a lot of us are trying REALLY HARD to improve ourselves and we really appreciate those who are patient with us. I mean, every person has positive and negative traits about them. Not to be conceited but, besides my mental health issues, I have many good traits, so it's just like one of those things that my partner has to learn to understand and help me through, just like I would do the same if he had something like that or for certain other negative traits. It may be a dealbreaker for some which is understandable but it isn't for everyone because everyone is different and can handle different things