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Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (Help!)

I've read a lot of descriptions of BPD and those two sentences ("Don't Leave Me. I hate you.") sum part of it very succinctly. No laughing matter, though. I have BPD. I have the biggest, warmest heart and would never mistreat a soul. Another post said it begins to mellow around 35. It has somewhat, but, OMG, the darkness consumes me and all hell breaks lose from time to time. I do my best in this world and work hard at managing it -- years of therapy, support groups and meds and still, I am the loneliest girl in the world. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
 
Seeing how the last post was from January it most likely is going to be a little amount of time before my post may or may not yield an answer. I am new to all this in regards to Borderline Personality Disorder. In fact, it was brought to my attention by the woman I am getting to know and currently seeing...my girlfriend. I've ordered the book Stop Walking on Egg Shells, which I noticed got brought up in this forum a couple of times already... BIG HELP, thank you by the way. The book was also brought to my attention by my girlfriend too. I've begun doing some Google searches and began to read other articles on BPD, which seems to have a multitude of various diagnosis, answers, and opinions by different people, doctors, and authors on the subject of BPD. To those who had the courage to openly post your experiences on this forum which I've read today, thank you. It has given me a starting point...to those who may have come off a little harsh by telling others to run away and leave, question...if you truly LOVE the person with BPD or perhaps another type of illness, why would you consider abandoning that person without FIGHTING for them and understanding what their illness or their personal demons may entail??? Personally, whether my girlfriend suffering from BPD or anything else...deep down in my heart I know that I got to educate myself on these things in order to stand by her side. For someone out there who finds themselves in a similar situation I am faced with, how do you handle the BPD that the one you love suffers with??? Not being disrespectful, for me I'm finding all of this as a learning experience to better myself in order to help understand the woman I love and to learn to stand by her side without getting so overwhelmed where I'd run at the first sign of trouble...
 
^ You don't give up on what you love man. You can focus on yourself and manage your life, but regardless if you plan on having a S/O you need to focus on them as well. When you start putting in more time to others than yourself though, that is when you start becoming sick. Good luck with everything. I can't say if it gets better because I don't know. The person I am and everything we have been through, I know it was fate that her and I met. I hope you feel the same way, and I hope you bring light into her life like I do for my girl.
 
I do believe borderlines do get better with age, and if they have someone that is stable backing them unconditionally NO MATTER WHAT (which is hard, i know) these people can ..with the constant right direction ..live better lives.Also DBT (therapy) is good.My mother has BPD.
 
Tl&dr


This is what I have to say about the topic of this thread: Follow your heart, but god, it can be painful and never-ending.
 
Two people with BPD in a relationship is a sure fire way to the seventh corner of Hell.
 
I had quite the crush on a borderline personality. Won her with my love one moment... It was just by chat online. She happened to have a friend that had an apartment when I moved into my old one, and I saw her when first moving in. She was my type physically. Contacted her on MySpace not knowing she was same girl. Good conversation. Told her I was going to go eat... But that wed talk later. When I got back her instant messenger said "looking forward to you", which I assumed was to me but I also feel unworthy at times, and am perhaps slightly borderline if that's possible to be slightly... so I said "no, can't mean me she can't", to her away message of "looking forward to you". I delayed. I didn't say anything to her until like 1030 or 12later that night, not wanting to seem desperate or something, but I guess she took it as disinterest. She blocked me, and we never talked again.
 
Forget her, and pity the poor barstard he gets stuck with her when she is 50 and totally fucked out gross and unfuckable with a nasty personality to boot.

Women in general are hopeless at self reflection, add BPD and it is very few that change.

Get her out of your head, being single is fine, make yourself physically and mentally the best person you can be - its about you, not her
 
Middleway said:
Forget her, and pity the poor barstard he gets stuck with her when she is 50 and totally fucked out gross and unfuckable with a nasty personality to boot.

Women in general are hopeless at self reflection, add BPD and it is very few that change.

Get her out of your head, being single is fine, make yourself physically and mentally the best person you can be - its about you, not her
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that is so unbelievably sad - do you need a hug?

what 23 said:
... so I said "no, can't mean me she can't", to her away message of "looking forward to you". I delayed. I didn't say anything to her until like 1030 or 12later that night, not wanting to seem desperate or something, but I guess she took it as disinterest. She blocked me, and we never talked again.
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speaking from experience, I can tell you what she was probably thinking...

she put that message up for you because she was excited - probably a little too excited. thrilled for the attention, the infinite potential that lies ahead, getting an almost 'buzz' from the ego boost...

she already had everything planned out. maybe she was waiting by the computer, pretending to be busy with something else, but keeping a good eye on your name on the messenger. this is probably what happened:

... you moved your mouse or hopped on the computer quick to check something at that point where you saw her 'away' message and assumed it wasn't for you and then didn't try to reply to her until later (where in this case, she probably saw you go from 'idle' to 'available' and was just salivating, waiting for a message box to pop up with your name in it. when your name went 'idle' again, she was flooded with negativity, and humiliated with herself for being so stupid and forward) -
"what the hell was I thinking to make an away message like that?? he probably thinks I'm a clinger and came on way too strong, and he's going to tell everyone he knows that he met a crazy girl online who fell in love with him after 5 minutes - I'm so fucking pathetic. well, that's never going to work. he'd never want to be with a loser like me."
 
pofacedhoe said:
there is a lot of extreme negative stereotyping about BPD in this thread.

lets have a bit of appreciation that everyone is different

not all borderlines are the same as individuals are different and there are different degree's of severity
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Spot on!

My gf is diagnosed with borderline and shes nothing like most of the things mentioned here. She does have a very low sense of self but she would never do things on purpose to hurt other people, far from it. She is actually the most caring, truthfull and loving person Iv ever met! (or is it all just part of a game shes playing? dum dum dum) - no seriously, we have been together for almost 4 years now and I really dont think that this borderline shit is going to mean anything in our relation in the future.
 
[S]alvatore said:
It's part of it, have you actually read about the illness?
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What boyfriend wouldn't?

One of the things that I learned was that theres a pretty large list of symptoms and being that people in general are different, I find it highly likely that some borderliners might be like the ones described in this thread while other might not be like that. I think this is the case with all of the psychological illness diagnoses. I got OCD, according to the doc, its servere, but when I read about OCD on the net and the key symptoms described then I cant see my self in it. Yet, im sure that I got symptoms enough to justify an OCD diagnose, its just not the symptoms that you hear the most about.

but for the fun of it, lets just assume that you are right.

How do you see this "game" playing out for her? I been with her in a lot of different situations and she always act like her self.
When is she going to hurt me and how? I mean this game that shes been playing have been going none stop for almost 4 years so im getting pretty excited here ;)
 
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I deal with it for many reasons. My girl is a model and is the most beautiful girl I have met in my entire life. I am shallow unfortunately, at least I admit it... But other then that she is incredible in so many ways. Everyone has different issues, just because some are more severe doesn't mean you should just "move on." I have helped her through so much and that alone makes me feel so good. I am extremely stable, adn that is exactly what she needs in her life. We make each other better.
 
ashstorm said:
I did not write this but I could have

This is something to keep in mind for people who are trying to maintain a relationship with someone with BPD

You wanted to know the worst about me, the things I told no one and hid below the surface. How do I explain it? How do I explain who I am when I am not even sure of it myself? How do I put into words the worst parts of me that I have run from for so long? I will tell you my secrets, I will tell you everything. Maybe it will help me. Maybe you will hate me for it or maybe you will understand. I don't know, but I am sick of running. So here it is, I will give you what you want.

I hate you. That is not true, but sometimes I think it is. I will not answer the phone when you call, even though I want to talk to you. I will not call you, even though it is all I want to do. I will not reach out to you, even though every part of me wants to. I will be mad at you, I will want to hurt you, I will drive you away because I am afraid to let you closer. I need your constant attention, your reassurances, but I will greet them with cold indifference. I will be jealous of the attention you give others, and I will get mad at you for ignoring me. I will feel close to you and care for you one day, only to be mad and want you out of my life the next.

I am an emotional amnesiac, maybe I always have been. I take each event, each day, each conversation as a seperate event, always looking for signs that you might hurt me. When I feel neglected, I will get mad and forget that the day before you told me how much you cared. I am an inconsistent mess. There is a part of me who is happy and confident and another part that is insecure and needy. These days, I never know which one it will be. Every time I think I am in control, that I know you care and I feel comfortable with our relationship, the fear and doubt will come back. Maybe with time it will go away completely, but doubt it. All it will take is another close relationship, another new friend, another day and it will be back.

You ask what you can do and I do not know what to say. The needy part of me wants your constant attention, it needs your words and thoughts, your presence. But I know that is not the answer, I must accept the limitations on our relationship. The scared part of me wants you out of my life because it would be easier. The hateful part of me wants to hurt you because it thinks you have hurt me. All I can ask you to do is to understand, to not give up. I will ignore you at times, I may be rude to you, I may try to hurt you. I may hide from you and wait for you to reach out to me, so I know you will care. It is not fair to do these things, but I will. I cannot ask you to put up with this, it is not fair and no matter how I act, I care too much to put you through this. But you asked, and this is all I have to tell you.
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Don't most people think like this?
 
I was recently diagnosed with BPD although my partner and I have suspected if for some time now. It helps to know that I am not alone and that there are ways to cope with my extreme emotions. It does hurt to read through a thread with so many negative responses about people (especially women with BPD). A huge problem with me is my low self worth and feelings of inadequacy, feeling like others don't like me or hate me because of my symptoms. It's a horrible downward spiral and hearing that there are people out there that would adivse others to just run away or stay away from those with BPD kinda makes me hurt. I've lost so many friends because of my inability to control my emotions-why would I ever want to let anyone know I am BPD? I am in therapy now and I really hope that it will help because I have one young child and another on the way and I don't want them to suffer and feel pain constantly like I do. While I have the biggest heart in the world and would do anything to help someone I also feel like I hurt or feel pain more than anyone else. I want to get better, I want to be "normal" (whatever that means). I just don't want my emotions to control my actions or my thoughts any longer. I want to be happy in the now and not tourtured by my past.
 
Lack of ability to control your emotions is irresponsible and often hurtful to others. People who can't control their anger often lash out physically and so it is wise to avoid people who cant control their anger. If someone is in the habit of bashing their spouse, then people avoid them for that reason, does it really matter that it hurts their feelings?

People who cant control their self esteem lash out emotionally. Similarly, it is wise to avoid them.
 
i dont think in such a polarised way

i dont think most people do

of course everyone does 'to an extent', otherwise people with BPD would be aliens
 
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