^^^ayyymenn..
I promise. No, I PROMISE you there is nothing to be jealous about being prescribed or having copious amounts of benzos.....
Take it from me, once your body becomes physically dependent on the drug (in my case extremely physically dependent), it is one of the worst curses in the world to have. You become a slave to them, and since your tolerance is so high, it is not like you get any "feeling" from taking them. You only FEEL something when you DON'T have benzos. It is miserable. And guess what? When you are traveling internationally, or just end up crashing unexpectedly at someone's place relatively far away from you, you lose your prescription etc..... Guess what? It creeps up on you fast. Starts with your mind... racing thoughts and panic, sweating, then shaking, dissociation at its most horrific levels, having zero control, and then seizures, and well.. sometimes for those on high enough doses for long enough... death.
So don't feel too jealous.
To get back to the OP of this thread and the topic itself.. personally, neither Xanax or Kpins are "euphoric" and I have never understood why people think of them as recreational drugs. I'll say it again though.. DEFINITELY NOT euphoric. Even BEFORE I had a tolerance of any type, way long ago. They work well for sleep.... and are a godsend for a comedown from any kind of stimulant.... and yes, I said it - what they are made for: panic attacks (xanax, not kpin) But no, not euphoric and not recreational.
Overall benzos, especially Xanax and Kpins not only have the very scary and real withdrawal dangers once you are addicted, which happens before a blink of your eye... but also just are a huge cognitive detriment. Like you experienced: they can bring on more feelings of depression (although Xanax does have SOME medically documented [weak] anti-depressant properties], increase attentional problems/disorder, and soon... you won't remember life without the cloud of the drug, and it will really put a damper on your life. Trust me.
They are also incredibly hard to get off of once you do become physically dependent on them - in my case 6mg Xanax XR w/ additional 2mg Xanax IR bars to take as needed a day.... did not beg or play my psychiatrist... he just made a lapse in judgement and things came out that way.
Imagine being in Venice, for your film premiere at the Venice Film Festival, kind of a huge event, and getting really fucked up for the after party and ending up sleeping back at some hotel off some of the main canals... far, far away from Lido which is an island, separated from the 'main' part of Venice and where the festival is held... Along with your hotel suite and suitcase with your Xanax.
Then imagine waking up after sleeping for like two hours, cell phone dead, realizing you have no idea where the fuck you are and how to get back to your hotel. After wandering like an idiot, sweating face in a full seersucker and silk suit as the sun comes up and begins blaring down on everything, dehydrated and hungover... don't speak itailian. Can't contact anyone, or more importantly your boat chauffeur driver to pick you up, and somehow spent all your Euros and somehow left your credit cards back at your hotel.. so you can't even take the public water boat.
The the hours and day progress, feet bleeding from walking miles over bridges and canals and shit in your dress loafers, then you realize you haven't taken your Xanax in quite a while now...... You FINALLY make it back to the island and where the festival is, but can't find anyone from your entourage and have no idea how to get to your hotel (cause you arrived the day before and went straight to the premiere and haven't actually been to your room yet).... and you start panicing. You are extremely dehydrated and hungover and now your body is beginning to W/D in a serious way from the 6-7mg of Xanax it is used to getting each day for a year and a half now....
Now you REALLY REALIZE you haven't taken your Xanax in way way too long now and well with anxiety and benzo w/d... it's like a snowball effect and everything just exasperates everything, accelerating faster and faster.. You run into the director of the film festival's personal office.. who is a celebrity figure himself and has massive responsibilities to take care, like say, make sure people like George Clooney's arrival and premiere (second in the line up after ours) is all good, to making sure that massive security is being taking care of, to all the media etc............. And probably doesn't have time for a kid in a full pinstripe blue seersucker suit that is sweating balls, and trying his absolute hardest not to freak out and start having a seizure on the floor and embarrass himself and the director of his film and many, many other people.... thank god this guy happens to be really down to earth and nice, and knows of you/has seen you on screen some, knows your father well enough, and sees that you are not looking too good...
Swear to god I thought I was going to fall to the floor start shaking and that was just going to be the end of everything. Everything. Tweaking out so bad that I couldn't stop pacing, pulling and ruffling my hair everywhere.. like I said I got very lucky and used every single little droplet of will-power I had to stop from going into a full out panic attack/seizure from the W/Ds..... Made up some stuff vaguely about being on a medication that I just needed to get ASAP (did not mention what it was), and that I was not feeling well (huge understatement).
Then imagine after a boat being called ASAP for you, you are rushed down to the private arrival dock in the back of the famous Hotel by two personal assistant girls, carrying a case of bottled ice water from the Alps.. which you are guzzling down, just trying not to choke or start shaking. TRYING SO HARD not to start shaking violently, to just pretend, trying SO hard to pretend everything was normal... while you wait for the boat to come. You are doing everything you ever learned/taught yourself about how to deal with severe panic attacks / withdrawals from Xanax.... but it is overcoming you. You as politely as possible, between deep , short, desperate breaths for 2 bottles of chardon and moet champaign which you begin to chug from the bottle as a last resort to calm your nerves and curb the panic and hopefully thus curb the W/Ds for just a littttle bit longer now. Meanwhile more well known celebrities are arriving, and you wait extremely impatiently for your boat to come into sight in the crowded canal... Just the absolute WORST. If anyone here knows remotely what I am talking about.... well you know what the fuck I am talking about... there are masses of people trying to get glimpses and take pictures of the velvet covered dock I'm standing on and spilling champaign all over while I continue to down the first bottle, not giving a FUCK what anyone at that moment thinks of me, just trying not to have a seizure/start shaking. Alcohol is terrible for this in the end, but for last resort type of thing, it can sometimes work.
And then the fucking paparazzis... About 100 of them... screaming, yelling, taking pictures like rapid fire machine guns with their stupid flashes making everything even worse. Ironically, and about the only thing to grin about at the moment is lindsay Lohan is waiting next to me along with some Loreal Paris model who looks familiar and I see ruffling through her purse who has cigs , who I can tell is also almost as ready as me to get the fuck out of there and onto her boat... having faced the first bottle, feeling slightly more calm and in control I sweetly ask her for one and pop the second bottle as our boats arrive all at the same time... paparazzis and public in the archway above going crazy. Ironically my boat is the nicest of the 3, cameras busy blasting lindsay and the Loreal girl... but begin to turn to me, I think mostly confused with my association, how I look with shades ignoring hte helping hand of the chauffeur and jumping onto the plush leather seat in the back of the mahogany speedboat , feeling another wave of W/D hitting hard, gulping down on the bottle looking like an insane alcoholic and burning down my cig, ashing all over the velvet.
See linsday the little fake blond slut laugh and smile at me as she dips into her boat behind me.
Thank god we got out of there quick and once we hit the adriatic ocean, the sun sparkling, driver bringing the boat to near full speed, absolutely flying through the water.... breeze and ocean spray feeling good and the last sips of the second bottle as I full tilt it, ridiculous shades and watch gleeming in the light, suit as we pass a tour boat.. bombing in a 3 some formation with the girls boats right nearby... tourists crowding the decks to take take more pictures..
Okay, so Long story short , that's just a very rough and brief summary of this one particular benzo withdrawal nightmare/close call experience. Funny thing in real life, it was actually far more ridiculous than I could of described here..... I had beaten the panic attack/seizure/W/D and reached my hotel and fell to my knees tearing apart my bags, and then chewing in all my bitter chemical glory 6mg of Xanax...
Lesson: Don't get hooked on benzos, even if it is a prescribed course and even if it initially starts out as something you legitimately need at the time.
BENZOS ARE NOT LONG TERM SOLUTIONS OR TO BE TAKEN LONG TERM. BY LONG TERM I MEAN MORE THAN A COUPLE WEEKS CONSISTENTLY.
I know feel blessed to have been tapered down to 3mg of Klonapin and have managed to rid of the Xanax entirely. I know, the sad part is 3mg of Klonapin alone seems like a lot to some people.... but coming from where I was at, it was a big accomplishment. My next step, which starts this week is taking this 3mg and hopefully SLOWLY tapering down to 1mg a day.
Don't get chained, trust me.