Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Heroin ruined my life.

[GirlInterrupted]

My life is falling apart. I can not prolong this anymore. I need to get clean.
I'm sick of having to lie to people who love me. I'm over wasting my life away in the streets and sitting in my car, waiting for my man.

I started using heroin when I was 16. Once I started, I began using every single day for a year up until my near death experience.
That horrible experience gave me the kick I need to finally get clean. I was able to stay clean for 6 months then out of boredom and curiosity I relapsed.
I deeply regret being here again. It's now been 5 months since I was last clean, and during this 5 month period I was not clean for a day once. I've been using triple the amount I used to use.

My family is heartbroken, they and all my friends have basically given up on me.
My fiance left me when he found out that I had relapsed. I'm about to lose my job.
I'm at the lowest I've ever been.

I decided to get clean today.
I'm on suboxone right now. I'm still feeling slightly irritated, and a little sick/achy. I also still get cravings.
I did not want to go on methadone treatment, but after reading that it would take away all w/d symptoms & cravings I got curious to try methadone treatment instead of suboxone.
Yeah I understand that I could easily get hooked on that too & from what I heard methadone w/d and even more worse than heroin.
But the reality is, I'm desperate for help. Going to a clinic for a fix every morning is a lot better than hustling in the streets and going on god damn missions to find dope when your dealers are not in stock.
So that's my plan for the current situation.
I have no idea what I do after... I'm honestly scared. I feel so vulnerable.

I'm open to advise & I would love to hear your stories or how you have gotten clean and manage to stay clean.

 

[effie]

Hi GirlInterrupted, welcome to TDS!

Firstly - huge congratulations on deciding to get clean! That really isn't an easy decision to come to, especially when life is hard - you should be very proud of yourself. I don't have any personal experience with methadone or suboxone I'm afraid, so I can't help there.. but I am sure there are people in there who can relate and can offer advice

More generally, do you have any thoughts about what you would like to do with your life? Any short term or long term goals? I think it is good to have both - short term things that you can achieve to keep yourself motivated (my current one is to start exercising more!) and long term goals to keep in mind if things get tough - so you have something to aim for.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about your situation? I understand things may be difficult with your family and friends - they might surprise you though, especially now you have decided to get clean, but if not do you have a drugs counsellor to talk things through with? This can be a very important aspect of getting clean - addressing why you became addicted and what kept you addicted, and to help you find strategies for staying clean. Some people find one-on-one counselling best, where as others find groups helpful. There is some information in the TDS directory in my sig which may be helpful to you, and there are Suboxone and methadone threads in the Other Drugs forum which may help you too, plus a suboxone vs methadone thread (although bear in mind that forum doesn't have the "no triggering" rules that TDS does)

You started heroin so young - you have your whole life ahead of you, and I can hear a lot of positivity in your post even if you can't feel it. You don't want to live this life anymore, you want to change - so you are going to do it. I think you should be very proud of yourself. Good luck, and let us know how you get on!

 

[herbavore]

One of the worst things facing people with addiction and their families/friends is the huge gap in awareness and understanding when it comes to relapse. As a family member, the best thing that ever happened to me was getting educated on behalf of my son. I agree with effie that your family may surprise you, especially when you have the kind of determination that you expressed so well in your post. Don't let their ignorance (and I use that word without judgement) for your situation undermine your sense of self. You are the same beloved daughter that you always were--but now you are dealing with a serious addiction. You deserve support for your situation and yourself. They also deserve your compassion for how addiction has affected their lives. Families can deal with addiction positively when all people have support. I can understand why you feel both vulnerable and scared but you are stronger than you may know at the moment. Being kind to yourself, changing patterns of self-loathing and practicing self-acceptance will help you immensely in your fight with physical addiction. Good luck with all the difficult decisions and keep posting as there is a wealth of experience and empathy for what you are going through here on BL.

 

[Missykins]

For me, Suboxone did not work in a vacuum. I had to work a "program" and that program was AA/NA, because I couldn't be on Suboxone forever. It gave me some time to learn new behaviours but the real work took place in NA. I'm not a "thumper" by anyone's stretch of the imagination, but the basic tenets of the program are fundamental to becoming a person who can function in the world.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi GirlInterrupted, firstly, congratulations on making this decision! It can be a very difficult step to make, as you would know from your previous experience with getting clean. I sincerely wish you all the best with it

I think it would be a good idea to look in to a methadone program. The more options you have, the more prepared you will hopefully be to achieve sobriety. The daily support you'll receive at the methadone clinic could also be very valuable.

Do you think your family would be open to getting some counselling themselves? As much as they have been through with your addiction, they still love you no matter what. I think it would be so valuable for them to get some counselling whilst you're getting better, so you can all start to repair your relationships. You're going to need all the support you can get from your loved ones so if they can get back on board and help you out, that would be so helpful for you.

Good luck hun, and keep us updated with how you're going

 

[RedLeader]

I think it would be a good idea to look in to a methadone program. The more options you have, the more prepared you will hopefully be to achieve sobriety. The daily support you'll receive at the methadone clinic could also be very valuable.

I need to respectfully disagree with this. Avoid methadone like the plague. The only time I'd honestly suggest methadone on someone would be if they planned to kill themselves instead of going through cold-turkey detox. Almost all good things I hear about methodone are incongruent with the desire to get clean (you get a buzz off of it, it's cheap and easy to get, etc.)

The structured approach that a methadone clinic (along with the full-agonist effects) may seem comforting for a while, but it just delays the inevitable - needing to come off of a full-agonist. More and more people these days make the switch from methadone to suboxone to quit, and if you cannot taper successfully (or feel comfortable maintaining with) suboxone now, will you be able to later after your body is even more used to opiates? I've seen a few people take up a short-acting full-agonist (like heroin) to battle through methodone WD and end up relapsing. Getting completely off of methadone requires a lot of strength and discipline, however you do it, and staying on methadone for a long period of time is really not good for your long-term health.

How long have you been taking suboxone daily? How about heroin? If you've only been on suboxone for a short while, it's very realistic to kick it at home, with minimal interference to your daily life. I recently quit using heroin through two weeks of suboxone tapering, and aside from about a month of insomnia and frequent sneezing, it really wasn't that bad. And yes, I have bad days now where my overwhelming emotions make me want to go use, but in retrospect I'd much rather have a bad day like this than feel imprisoned by a drug (heroin, methadone, suboxone, etc.). Taking opiates to escape your prison is like going to the prison's library every afternoon to make your days go by, when you could just escape from the place completely.

This just *my* opinion, though. While I was a full-blown opiate addict, I was terrified of the idea of being clean of everything and always wanted to have some maintenance plan as a backup when I ran out of money. But after forces pushed for me to get off of everything completely and I went along with it, I am so glad that I did.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I totally respect your opinion RL, you have tonnes more experience than I do in this department

 

[RedLeader]

Rereading that, I may have come off a little preachy. And that's the last way I'd want anybody to come off as on BL. I just feel about methadone the way a lot of people feel about heroin, and my emotions get ahead of me. I've seen people in my using circle, in treatment and on BL deal with the consequences of MMT and I honestly think that aside from the legal ramifications, they have it comparatively worse than most other opiate addicts. It's one of those things that will have you by the before you get a personal chance to really assess the pros and cons, and if it's not what you'd hoped for, you'll probably end up back in an even worse place with your DOC.

Getting off opiates isn't easy or fun, though. I couldn't have done it if I didn't put myself in isolation. Whatever works for the OP will have my support. I just worry because I've seen people actually get sent deeper into that world when they bounce around different quitting strategies.

Good luck GirlInterrupted, and do let us know how it is going.

 

[Missykins]

I think for many people the benefits of Suboxone is that it helps them from participating in criminal behaviour, but I completely agree with you. I was on suboxone for five years. And it was a bitch to quit, not physically, but behaviourally. I was hooked on the ritual.

Be careful who starts you on this stuff.

 

[fifleman]

Girl:

As you are always in control of what you want and do not want, when you think that you have 'lost' control, it is actually you not wanting to be in control.

I agree with part of your title, "Sick and tired of being sick and tired". However, heroin has not ruined your life quite yet. You are still breathing, inhaling and exhaling, and that means you still have life. Heroin may have ruined moments that add up to weeks, months, and years, but be grateful you still have a life that you can consciously choose a better path in. It sounds like you have already started and that is beautiful.

For the rest of these coming moments, focus on you. Focus on consciously making better decisions that will eventually add to a more sustainable life. When I used, I was so focused on escaping and feeling that warm feeling alcohol gave me or that intense 'everything is ok' feeling cocaine gave me that I lost sight of who I was, what I was doing, and what truly matters. You pointed out that you are sick of hurting people you love. That is great - but don't forget yourself. You're a beautiful person that is one with the earth and nature, one with myself and others who frequent this site and others you pass on the street. You've come to a point where you want to stop beating yourself up. Give yourself credit on this realization of the truth.

Reaching out is what I first did when I became mindful of what I was truly doing to myself and others around me. I said 'I cannot do this anymore and I need help'. Don't stop with saying this to yourself. Reach out and surround yourself with winners, people who see positivity in life and will help you gain your footing on the path in sobriety.

I am personally unfamiliar with the agony a heroin addict goes through withdrawing. However, I am aware that if you stop cold turkey, it feels as if you are going to die but won't. It's been said a heavily dependent alcoholic has a greater chance of dying stopping cold turkey as compared with a heroin addict. However, I am only an uninformed man privy to his own experiences and heresay, so you do what you feel is best. If suboxone is sufficient in helping you get clean now, then let it be. However, I would urge you to make it a goal to become completely free of all substances - to become one with your body and mind again.

I personally cut out the dealers and all 'friends' who I knew simply want to get wasted and not have a meaningful conversation to discuss the beauty of what's been going on with them. I became reinvested with my family and involved myself with 3 AA meetings a week. I worked through the 12 steps and continue to. This was not hard for me because I read quite extensively into Buddhism and I personally felt the 12 steps aligns quite nicely with Buddhism. I gain further knowledge into myself by reading things that help me and when I feel like using. Thankfully, over time, you realize that the truth of your life is that you don't want to use, but you would rather feel what life has to offer in emotions, situations, family, etc.

I had to take a phone call and lost myself in this post, but start by becoming conscious of yourself in every moment. Your mind will lie to you, as it does everyone. Therefore, do not listen to it. Listen to your body and soul. You are young and still have a life. It starts right now, not tomorrow or next year, but right now, in this moment. Be at peace with yourself for you are already doing good. Stay positive and remember you already are everything you want to be and already have everything you already need. Do not search for it outside of yourself in drugs or people. You will learn more about yourself being sober than in any "drug" trip that you thought you might've gained something.

The bottom line is that you will be OK. There is no greater truth than that

 

[herbavore]

^ There is a lot of wisdom in that reply.

To echo what fifleman said, try to ground yourself in the actual present. If you stay mentally bogged down in what shames you in your past you will be easy prey to ideas like the one that you expressed in your title, that you have "ruined" your life. On the other hand, projecting worry and doubt out into the future can paralyze you with uncertainty and fear. Staying completely focused on the present and acting mindfully in each present moment is incredibly empowering. It doesn't come easy, it does take practice, but it is rewarding beyond measure.

 

[XTCAKE]

Hey, GirlInterupted.
I can honestly say that heroin ruined my life, too..
But, when I really think about it, I (not heroin) ruined my life. Heroin just assisted in the destruction..
I am so sorry to hear about the losses you've had during your battle with addiction.
I can totally relate to feeling so helpless as you watch everything around you slip away..

just in 2011 alone, I was homeless for five months, then I moved around to four different disgusting places.
Then I lost my car. Then I was fired from my two jobs. Then I overdosed and was so mad that I didn't die.

You seem to be young,still. You have so much to experience!
You need to believe you can get better!
I have faith in you and I don't even know you!

You won't struggle like this forever.
You have much more happy days and years ahead of you, dear!

 

[Hasso]

I used to say the same thing about oxy's, how they ruined my life. That's not entirely accurate however, I ruined my own life by choosing to abuse the drug. I sank very low too, my wife left me, I was homeless for a while, spent a little time in jail - it was the worst period of my life. Hitting bottom however gave me the motivation to go straight, which is exactly what I did. No subs, no methadone, no NA - I got clean with pure determination & will. It wasn't easy, but life's most important lessons never are. I look back on all that hardship I made myself suffer (which was infinitely worse than the drug w/d) and say to myself - never again. Fuck that man. Now I'm healthy, fit, motivated and most importantly happy.
Reading stories here on the dark side makes me see too that my own tale is not nearly as bad as most others. I got off easy - or at least easier than many.

 

[maxalfie]

Hi @GirlInterrupted,you say that heroin has ruined your life.
It may have ruined your life so far but that doesn't mean your life is ruined forever.
Getting clean and staying clean will change your life for the better, so your life hasn't been wasted.
It's still possible to have a great life drug free so don't feel like yr whole life is wasted because that just isn't the case.

 

[herbavore]

What about looking at it this way? Nothing is ruined that can be changed. What can be changed gives us knowledge that we can use when we move forward. You are going to have knowledge that others don't have. Use that knowledge to help others. Then, what you saw as ruin becomes a powerful tool for you to use to do good.

 

[Sepher]

GirlInterrupted, have to agree in large part with RedLeader's first post re: methadone. It really is a last resort, to be used only when the consequences of not using it in terms of health / lifestyle / personal safety are likely to be worse than the consequences of going onto a substance that will be harder to kick than the one you're on now. If your life is spinning so out of control that you have no other options left then sure, it's a no-brainer, get yourself on a program, BUT you might find the suboxone gives you the stability you need if you can stick with it a while so try and give that a good go first.

The main benefit of suboxone is that it will sort the physical craving, but if you find that you're still psychologically craving heroin it can help you deal with the temptation to use cos you'll get no reward from it when you do. The same is not true of methadone. It may keep you completely free of physical withdrawals but most users top up with gear because they crave the heroin euphoria that is completely lacking from it. It does nothing then to address the psychological cravings, and so probably isn't so effective at helping you break bad habits that revolve around scoring and using, not unless you're very determined, IMO.

I think whichever way you jump, you need to make use of the other things that tend to go hand-in-hand with the meds in treatment programs, whether that's NA, CBT, talking cure type therapies, whatever. You're not alone in this, so no reason to struggle on on your own. Take whatever support you can get if it helps you get to the root of your addiction, gives you coping strategies for relapse prevention, or helps with practical day-to-day things that get you somewhere more stable lifestyle-wise.

Lastly, no matter how hopeless and messed up things look now, change is possible. Lots of us, as ex-long-term heroin addicts have put it behind us, moved on with our lives, and found that a life free of it is achievable, and infinitely better than the life we led as addicts. No reason why you can't get there too. Best of luck.

 

[GbizzleMcGrizzle]

Having been a junkie for the last ten years, and a couple dozen attempts at being clean here is my advice. Right now is the easiest for you, you haven't been addicted for very long, the acute withdrawal symptoms are hardly anything right now. When you start shitting your pants and puking in the gutter 9 hours after your last shot, that's when kicking dope is almost impossible. And stay away from the methadone, it's fucking horrible shit. a couple summers ago I got on a methadone program, and it was the worst decision I could have made. I spent 5 months getting dosed every day, I was always nodding out and it was like free heroin without the rush and euphoria. I had to forge a travel itineray to convince the doctor that I was moving abroad to work and I needed to taper down, I was at 150mg. I tapered down 10mg every other day until I hit 50mg then it was 5mg every other day until 20 then it was 1mg every other day. by the time I got to 15mg I was so sick i started shooting dope again, I did that for 3 weeks then got 60 suboxone and left town. I was so sick for 3 months I couldn't stand it, eventually I stole a car and drove it back to my city so i could be strung out again. my girlfriend was on it with me, she jumped off of 80mg she ended up in the ICU for 3 days, they told her if she had waited she would have had a stroke. Methadone is evil shit man, everyone I know who has been on it or is on it regrets it. Even the ones who have been clean for years regret going the methadone way.
Suboxone is better, it may take a week or two but your w/d symtoms will go away, and if you do run out you wont be as sick for as long. it takes months to kick methadone. How many I don't know because after 3 months of being clean I stole a car to get strung out again and feel like a human being. and it took me two years to have the guts to kick again.
Trust me it's not that bad now, but the longer you're strung out and the more times you try and get clean the harder it gets, until you are shitting and puking because it's been a few hours since your last shot. But I'd rather that than the w/d from methadone any day of the week

 

[xHippiexchildx]

Suboxone, Methadone, Heroin, it's all a bitch to get off of.

I say you get on suboxone, but only stay on it for a year. Taper down slow. The first two months, take 8 mgs a day. The next two do 6. Then 4, then 2, then 1, then 0.5. If you stay on suboxone longer than that, your withdrawals will last for quite a long time, like me.

I've been off of suboxone for a month and a week, and i'm still feeling like i'm dying. I was on it for 4 years. My doctor acted like he wanted to keep me on it for the rest of my life. Not only was that bad idea, IT WAS HORRIBLE FUCKING IDEA. It's expensive as shit. Hell, I could have bought two new cars with the money I spent on that damn drug. But I didn't care, as long as it got me high.. How stupid I was to even start down this road to begin with.

 

[xHippiexchildx]

I came off at 2mgs, because I thought it was low enough for me to stop. Boy was I wrong. Like, most forums i've been to since then have said that you need to at least be on 0.5 mg for a couple of months before you try to come off of it. Otherwise you end up like me, pretty much feeling like you are dead, or about to die. But, by the time I found all this out, I was already two weeks into coming off of suboxone. I figured I went that long, might as well keep going? My doctor didn't tell me ANYTHING AT ALL about coming off of this suboxone. He made it sound 100% easy with no worries or cares. He said that clonidine was used to help people come off of suboxone, but since i'm already on a beta blocker, I couldn't take it. If I wouldn't have been on all the medications i'm on, I would have hung myself, guarantee it.

There is absolutely no 100% safe way to come off of opiates or heroin. I know you didn't want to hear that, but it's better that you find that out now, then find it out later when you have to come off of the stuff you're taking, and then have to go through months of PAWS.

 

[smackncheese]

I did not want to go on methadone treatment, but after reading that it would take away all w/d symptoms & cravings I got curious to try methadone treatment instead of suboxone.

I've been in the methadone program here in town for a week now. It doesn't eliminate the cravings 100%, but it seems to be helping me a lot.

Yeah I understand that I could easily get hooked on that too & from what I heard methadone w/d and even more worse than heroin.
But the reality is, I'm desperate for help. Going to a clinic for a fix every morning is a lot better than hustling in the streets and going on god damn missions to find dope when your dealers are not in stock.

^True that, I suppose. It isn't exactly a 'fix,' though, and they WILL make you work a program there. In the 7 days I've been attending, I've been given more homework and groups than at night school. The structure of the clinic is a great thing to have when you're trying to get sober. Without the program, I would most likely be dead right now.. I was that close to utter ruin. No matter what people say about the methadone program, I've seen it change the lives of so many people around me, and many of them have successfully gotten off it eventually and moved on. I hope to be one of them, and I'm gonna try everything I can to win.

Good luck. The only way you are going to get/stay clean is not by taking a magic pill, but by finding your inner strength and applying it. "It works if you work it," and you're worth it!!