D n A
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2010
- Messages
- 5,358
This is one long, helluva read, but it was an insane and terrifying experience, and I suggest that anyone who is into mushrooms or plans on doing them should at least give this report a shot. I never thought it was possible to see the things that I did, and that other reports similar to mine were just made up. Oh, ignorance is bliss.. none of us are invincible, I sure learned that.
Let's begin, at the beginning..
Let's begin, at the beginning..
I have been trying to quit doing MDMA recently, as the comedowns really mess with my moods and tend to effect me more than other people. So, since there was a rave coming up on Saturday, I decided to ask my ex-fb/dealer for 4 grams of mushrooms. I’ve done mushrooms many times at parties and raves and have done it enough times to know that 4 is my limit – any more would just be overwhelming.
He said that he would only be bringing MDMA and ketamine to the rave, but that he could probably grab 4 grams for me. Since he would be DJing until 10pm, I figured I’d start off the night sober and then get them from him later. I approached him after his set and he gave me a baggie that had crushed up mushrooms inside. I bought a water, went to the bathrooms, and swallowed down the entire bag. I noticed that the amount looked a little off, but since they were crushed up it was hard to tell, and I figured that an extra gram wouldn’t hurt. He has been known to give a little extra, so I figured he was just being nice and threw in a bit more. Little did I know that there was actually twice the amount that I planned on doing in that baggie, and he neglected to tell me.
After I finished the mushrooms, I went back upstairs to join my friends on the dancefloor. Within 30 minutes, it felt like all 4 grams had hit me at once, which was a surprisingly fast comeup for me. It was enjoyable at first, because it was at the level I wanted, and I didn’t notice anything wrong until 15 minutes afterwards when the other 4 grams hit.
I knew something was wrong. The visuals began to build with intensity – the floor looked a foot deep, and I waded through it as I danced. The walls and ceiling swirled and breathed, and the sounds around me began to warp. At first I figured that I was just overwhelmed by all the noise and people, so I told myself to calm down, and that all was fine. This seemed to work for the first bit. But I still didn’t feel that great, so I went to walk outside to have a smoke. As I walked away, I turned around to look at the dancefloor, and noticed that everyone who was far away from me looked fuzzy/furry, and that some of these people were turning into penguins. Others turned into dark shadow-people who hurried around the dancefloor, and their movements frightened me, so I looked away and continued my way to the smoke pit.
The hallway outside turned into a tunnel that surrounded me and pulsed with each step. On the way out, I ran into two of my friends and had a conversation with them, only to realise that one of them wasn’t even there and that I had imagined an entire conversation with them.
I finally made it outside. Getting some fresh air was nice, until I looked above me at the trees, whose branches encompassed me from above and swayed around in scary, jerky movements. Music was still pumping through the doors, and along with all the conversation swirling around me, the loud noises began to get to me. Everything I heard was so warped, I could barely understand what was going on.
I discovered my friend B in the smoke pit, and tried to have normal conversation with him, but everything felt so awkward, and it was so noisy that I couldn’t hear him very well. Midway through our conversation, I turned to him and asked him if it was raining.
“Is it just me, or am I feeling raindrops on my skin?” He laughed. “Nope, that’s just you.”
“Don’t fuck with me.. you’re SO trying to trip me out!”
“No, it really isn’t raining.. I swear..” He turned to some random girl. “Is it raining?”
She looked at him quizzically before responding with a “no.”
“See?” he said to me, giggling. I stared at him with a confused look on my face, before feeling a tap on my shoulder from my friend S. She was telling me how she was absolutely wasted, and then got this evil grin on her face, so I asked her if she was tripping me out, and she also began laughing.
“You bitch!” I laughed, and shoved her. She pushed me right back and I stumbled a little. In my state, I thought she was actually wanting to get in a fight with me, and I backed off with a terrified look on my face. Seeing my reaction, she came up to me and consoled me, apologizing and reassuring me that she was just kidding around. I grabbed her hand and asked her if she’d go inside with me.
She told me to meet her on the dancefloor, since she needed to go to the bathroom, so I continued over there by myself. I was met with an even more horrifying scene than before.
The shadow-people were moving across the floor with even more speed, and on the top left corner of their faces, they either had white plus or minus signs. I wasn’t really sure what this meant at the time, but I would find out later.
As I moved closer to the crowd, I spied my friends C, M, and BX. They motioned for me to come towards them, and as I got closer to C I noticed that his face was melting and bubbling, and that his skin seemed to be made out of foam or wax. I gave him a hug anyways, despite my fear of him, and as I pulled away I felt spiderwebs on my hands. I looked down to see my own skin bubbling, and I could actually feel the bubbles popping between my skin. I looked away and tried to focus on C’s face, but his eyes were melting down the sides of his face, so I tried looking at the floor instead.
C asked me if I was okay, to which I responded no. I was completely terrified. I told him that I needed to find my sister, who had been MIA for the past hour or so, it seemed. I had seen her at the beginning of my trip, but she went elsewhere after I left to go to the smoke pit. I had a feeling she was backstage, but security wasn’t letting anyone back there except the DJs, despite the fact that I had a staff access pass. C helped me look all over for her, and we asked anyone we ran into if she had been sighted, but to no avail. I teared up and told him that the only person who could save me from the hell I was in was her, and he tried to comfort me.
We moved further from the stage and danced with a group of friends we ran into. I half-heartedly shuffled around, but all’s I could see was the shadow-people with the signs on their faces. I tried to turn to my friends, but they were too busy bubbling and melting. I looked at C with a desperate look on my face, and he tried to cheer me up by jumping around and being silly. This had an adverse effect, as then, I noticed that I was able to completely see through people. As C moved around, it created the illusion that he was a ghost, and I was barely able to make out any of his features unless he was completely still. At this point, I broke down, terrified. C gave me a big hug and rubbed me on the back, but it didn’t help.
By now, I had lost my voice. I could hear what people were saying, but I was unsure of how to choke out words. Confused and frustrated, I managed to tell my friend M that I was going out for a smoke.
That’s when hell really became a reality.
I wandered away from the stage, by myself. Completely lost and surrounded by unknown people in a crowded, noisy space definitely did not make things better. It made things worse.
The hall turned into a tunnel, and shadow people rushed by me, as they had before. Suddenly, time began to slow. I watched in horror as the people with subtraction signs on their faces began to subtract themselves from existence.
Voices in my head told me that I had to join them, too. I looked at a window and saw a subtraction sign on my very own face. I was to subtract myself from existence, or they would get me later. Red eyes gleamed at me from the darkness, promising my own fate. They reminded me that there was a sharp razor blade in my backpack. I then knew what I was to do.
I continued walking down the hall. I knew that the stairs down to the bathrooms would be coming up soon on my right, and it was there that I would go, lock myself in a stall, and slit my wrists. By the time anyone discovered me, I would be long gone. The voices egged me on, spinning me into a deep depression. They reminded me of what a fuck up I was, how I deserved this, that I was the lowest of the low, and that if I wanted to do everyone a favour I would go to the last stall and kill myself. Images of my blood dripping down into a drain flashed before my eyes. I took a deep breath. My body seemed to be fading, as if it was beginning to subtract. I just wanted it to be over with- all the terror and pain that was coursing through my body and mind. I had had enough of this life. I wanted to end the fucking torture.
But instead of walking down the stairs, I found myself looking up out the doors to the smoke pit, where my friend J stood, staring at me. He beckoned me towards him. He was one of the few people without a sign on his face, so I instantly felt a blanket of safety fall around my mind. My legs guided me out the door and I collapsed into his chest.
“What’s wrong little lady? Are you okay? What’s going on?” I explained my situation to him, and he pulled me into his arms, reassuring me. He gave me a bunch of water to drink, something that I definitely should have had more of. Suddenly, I pulled away from him with a shriek, as I felt cigarette burns on my arms and legs. I brushed them furiously, but they continued to singe, and I tried putting water on my arms with no avail. J looked at me quizzically before I explained what I was feeling. He tried to rub my arms to make the burns go away, and they did.
I told him of my need to find my sister, and again we embarked inside, searching up and down for her. I began to feel a little better at this point. I think that the worst of the trip must have been over by then.
We finally ran into my sister. J left me with her, but unfortunately, I was still having trouble finding words, so I couldn’t explain what was going on to her. She seemed frustrated, so I just tried to give her a hug and dance together with our friends.
At this point, I finally began to sober up a little. As I had predicted, seeing my sister had made me feel much safer, and I began to calm down and enjoy myself, despite the fact that I was still tripping out hard. However, the shadow people were beginning to disappear, and everyone was starting to look normal again. People’s faces were still melting, and I could still see right through them, but it was tolerable by then.
I ran into my friend S again, who was absolutely wasted but having a great time, and she convinced me to come up to the front of the stage and join our friends M and CX. My vision was starting to clear a little more, but I was still swimming in visuals so it was, at times, difficult to see exactly what was going on. However, I was starting to have fun again, and I started to grow more confident. For the next hour or so, we danced, joked around, and took pictures. Everything was back to normal.
The party got shut down an hour before it was supposed to, due to a stunning 30 noise complaints, so my friends and I all rounded together, grabbed our things, got changed and made a plan to get back to C’s house for an afterparty. I took the bus with CX and our friend K while the rest of our friends either taxied or drove.
On the bus trip to C’s, I started to begin having flashbacks of the trip. These memories stimulated painful feelings and torturous thoughts, and I turned suicidal again. However, my friends seemed to notice and began joking around with me to take my mind off of things. By the time we got to C’s, I had pretty much sobered up, and felt fully exhausted from the entire ordeal. We went inside and sat down with around 20 or so people, chatting and laughing.
My sister and A, my ex/dealer, had gone off to go buy some food. A came in the door with my sister lagging a few minutes behind, and as he entered, he came up to me and started laughing.
“Hey, did you eat that entire bag? Because that wasn’t 4 grams. That was more like 7-8. I was in a rush to leave and didn’t have time to measure it, so I just grabbed a random baggie.”
“..how come you never told me that there was more than I thought inside?”
“I dunno. I figured you’d be able to handle it. You’ve done large amounts like this before.”
“Yeah. But never at a rave. Where it’s loud, noisy, and crowded. Do you even know the shit I went through? I had my first bad trip, and it was fucking awful. I nearly died.”
He shrugged his shoulders and turned away. I was furious. What the fuck was he thinking?
Later on, the next day as I was on my way home from C’s, I finally texted my sister and told her about my trip. She responded by freaking out and telling me that she knew someone who had killed themselves on a large dosage of mushrooms, and that our trips had been very similar. She was, naturally, quite concerned, and since she was still with A she asked him what had went on.
He lied to her and said that I had never specified how many grams I had wanted, that I just asked for [a certain priced amount that would normally equal out to 4g]. I knew this was false, as I asked him for 4, and he confirmed that he would probably be able to bring that same amount.
I think that, since he and my sister are friends, he was trying to make me look like the stupid fool who knowingly did too much and was trying to blame it on the dealer. Sadly, that is not the case. I know that my limit at raves is 4 grams, as I have said, and would never do such a large amount at a noisy party.
I know it’ll take time and rest before I can fully get over this experience, but right now, it’s very difficult for me to handle. I’m just glad I have good friends to talk to. But even this will not always suffice.
To anyone who is thinking of doing large amounts of mushrooms: don’t, unless you are in a calm and quiet environment, chilling out with people you are close to. Never, ever do large amounts at parties that are crowded and loud, and where you can easily get lost. This will be a mistake.
Like I said, I never planned on this happening. So avoid it, if you can. It was fucking hell and I never want to go through it again. Keep yourself safe. Because this shit can kill you, or make you want to kill yourself. As it nearly made me do.
I finally want to add that this trip report will NEVER actually sum up the things I saw. I will never be able to fully recount into words the terror I actually went through. I know that this trip doesn't sound as scary as it really was, but believe me, it was fucking torture and hell and no one should EVER have to go through this. No one should ever have to hear or see these things.
I used to think I was invincible to having bad trips.
I was very, very wrong.
I'm not invincible. And neither are you, so don't think that this can't happen to you, either.
Best wishes
-D-
To anyone who is thinking of doing large amounts of mushrooms: don’t, unless you are in a calm and quiet environment, chilling out with people you are close to. Never, ever do large amounts at parties that are crowded and loud, and where you can easily get lost. This will be a mistake.
Like I said, I never planned on this happening. So avoid it, if you can. It was fucking hell and I never want to go through it again. Keep yourself safe. Because this shit can kill you, or make you want to kill yourself. As it nearly made me do.
I finally want to add that this trip report will NEVER actually sum up the things I saw. I will never be able to fully recount into words the terror I actually went through. I know that this trip doesn't sound as scary as it really was, but believe me, it was fucking torture and hell and no one should EVER have to go through this. No one should ever have to hear or see these things.
I used to think I was invincible to having bad trips.
I was very, very wrong.
I'm not invincible. And neither are you, so don't think that this can't happen to you, either.
Best wishes
-D-
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