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TDS The TDS grief/bereavement thread

hold our most fond memories close...they'll always remain. then try acceptance.
 
great thread, thank you. <3

i can't get past this terrible feeling of trying to live a life my late husband would be proud of, and not being able to. it's a terrible self-destructive cycle that i have been trying to break for over 5 years now. i'm sorry gary. i miss you and love you.
 
live a life that you are proud of, regardless who is or is no longer in our lives.
 
they are sort of one in the same swmo.. regardless i can't achieve it when i'm a slave to chemicals.
 
true-dat on both counts. itr's the spiritual side of acudetox.com (auricular acupuncture) that shows me the subtle differences. hope u can get to the place where u no longer feel a slave to chems. i'm on scripts,(soma , tramadol, & subs, plus) but I have a different perspective on them than before 5/22/11. i've been @ it in one form or other for over 30 yrs. not tryin to d-size, just saying, with age comes experience. not sayin younger folks haven't seen it all too.
these 2 techniques have helped me more than 6 in-patient & i outpatient & yrs of couch therapy & benzo therapy (clonazepam, temazepam, lorazepam) plus countless meetings which were always huge triggers. met many a new connect in meetings.. took subs for 2 yrs thru the patient assistance program. after acudetox, u can really understand AVRT, addictive voice recognition technique as outlined in the crash course on avrt: https://rational.org/index.php?id=35 please look at this before your first dose tomorrow or any day, just don't read it high. i'm an acudetox tech in MO now. google lincoln detox, the bronx for the raw story behind it. acupuncture doesn't have to remain an ancient chinese secret.
I'm very much for the ballot initiative coming up in MO in 2012. www.sensiblemissouri.com there're already getting twice the sigs needed thru KC & StL. since it's going to vote by referendum, i have every confidence that it will be on the ballot in 12. so i'm going to work on other issues. OCCUPY ENDOCANNIBINOID RECEPTORS! THERE'RE THERE FOR A REASON! I got a new job and it has jack-shit to do with abusers of anything. i'm glad. this job fell in my lap as an otr truck escort. drivin someone else's car! great pay. i'm on the ground floor of this company that has a years work now hauling FEMA trailers all over the US. i'm not tied down by any family. just my dogs. it'll give me time to think, see the country.
http://www.acudetox.com/
 
Mind-Melt said:
they are sort of one in the same swmo.. regardless i can't achieve it when i'm a slave to chemicals.
Click to expand...

I think it's really good to have a motivation to get clean, and want to live a life our partners would be proud of.. but I also think it is important not to put too much pressure on ourselves if we struggle. Life can be hard enough, without the burden of dealing with a loved one's death and trying to live up to our perceptions of what they would want us to be.. some days I think just being here, and still breathing, is something to be very proud of <3

That's not to say I am not going to try to live my life in a way that would make Dave proud - but that I am going to try to be gentle on myself if I find things hard..
 
swmo said:
live a life that you are proud of, regardless who is or is no longer in our lives.
Click to expand...

was my quote taken out of context? maybe i should,ve said regardless of the obstacles. i'll be more careful how i word stuff.
 
herb and effie: I know that I'm well out of my league here, but I had a thought regarding acceptance. With the usual caveat that I've not experienced grief like either of yours (although I have grieved, of course, just not for someone as close), I might suggest that acceptance cannot be found. Rather, the conditions for acceptance can be fostered and nurtured, and in time -- perhaps when you're not even looking for it -- there it is. Sort of like how one apparently finds love only when one stops 'looking'.

Just a little food for thought. :)
 
Dave, you could be right - I can't actually see how it could be any other way now.. got to try and make myself get on with things really, been hibernating far too long now.. it is hard though.

Thank you <3
 
Hadto hear some pretty fucked up shit RE: family, i dont know how to take it in, I'm angry, upset and want to go kill a certain family member, but @ the same time atm im just void, No words can explain what i feel after hearing this shit this morning, and yer IMO its fucked me up worse im on a helllova bender atm, just had mood lifters and a herowic dose of xanax and been piling on the drinks all day. WHY THE FUCK IS IT ALYAYS SOMETHING?? assertaining thoughts of chasin dope or gettin bak on the pods, Everything has turned everything upside down for me today, and i wasnt doin well as of last week:(
I'm stuck in a hard place and have no one to talk to about it, Whats een the fuckingpoint when you live in misery and no matter how hard you try, more misery comes @tcha like a fucking freight train. I'm so over it im just so lucky i have my child and would never abandon her.
 
I'm sorry things are so hard.. I know what you mean about having no one to talk to about it. No one apart from the wonderful darksiders though, who completely understand! It is so hard to keep going after someone dies and I am expecting difficult times to continue to hit me for a very long time (possibly for the rest of my life..) However I am also trying to be hopeful that there will be good times, and good people, and light and happiness ahead too..

I'm so glad you have your child - having something to live for is so important! It can be difficult though, dragging yourself on because you can't abandon people.. I can't remember, have you had any bereavement counselling? <3
 
^ it's on going but the shit i found out today, has total made me fall, dun wanna realy get into it here, it's gonna take time to take it all in, but as i thought its just fucked me up worse, I knowi cant change things. but wanna try, Im just @ a loss for wors right now. im blank emotionaly but still carrying so much anger. I often wonder "whats the fucking point if this is how life is gonna be?!" anyways il end my grievences for ne im wsy roo fuckrt to go on:|
 
^ I hear you - anger is a natural and very prominent (for me anyway) reaction to bereavement and I imagine that if something else has happened too, it is very difficult to keep it under control and to have any positive thoughts about life.. sometimes it is just horribly unfair.

Sometimes it helps me to think that "fairness" or "unfairness" aren't applicable concepts to life - there is no one trying to fuck us over when things go bad. Bad things happen to good people (and all other permutations of this..) and that is just how it is.. grief is the most horrifying and awful thing that can happen to us, and sometimes it comforts me to think that nothing I experience will be as bad as this again. Every bad day that goes by brings me closer to a better time..

Sometimes that doesn't help, and I have to scream, or throw something (pillow usually haha) or vent to a friend.

Sometimes nothing helps and I just have to ride it out.. because after all what else can we do. And even though we have no hope of things improving at the time, in a way that doesn't matter - because we have to ride it out anyway, and when we get to the other side we realise that things will get better. I hope you get to the other side of this bad spell soon <3
 
Today will be intense. I realized what it is about holidays that makes them hard--they follow a pattern of tradition so there are layer upon layer of repeated experiences surrounding the day which only makes the hole Caleb left appear that much bigger. On Thanksgiving, once the side dishes were in the oven, Caleb and I would go one our leaf walk, to gather leaves and berries for the table. It was something we did since he was very little. His brother was never interested in that so it was just the two of us. Once my mom was visiting and she brought a storebought centerpiece for the table and Caleb said, "Oh no grandma, mom and I make way better ones and they're free!"

Like you say, swmo, I will hold this memory close.

Happy Thanksgiving to all. <3 Learning to celebrate within grief or grieve within celebratory joy is my goal for the day--balance, inclusion, fluidity--may we all find it more and more each day. (and I am passing out pie over in the I am Thankful thread)=D
 
^ much, much <3 to you herbavore.. I hope you achieve your goal (and enjoy your pie!)
 
It's a year know since one of my Best friends was diagnosed with Cancer he passed within 2 months , i put athread up here n just want to thank everyone that gave me support at the time<3
 
^ much <3 Brimz - am away for a bit but I'll give you a shout when I get back, can finally meet up. Hope this thread helps you in the meantime..

I've had a bad week or so but really trying to make some changes.. got to stop hiding! Really have hit rock bottom with that, it can't continue..
 
*cues keep ya head up* For every dark night there's a brighter day after that.

Man, remembered my grandad slowly died around this time last year. A great man, my nan left him for another man and basically turned into a vegetable requiring 24/7 help...her new lover split and my grandad took care of her for over 10 years! (she wasn't meant to last). He loved her that much despite what she'd done..he gave his life to her...caring for her every needs whilst becoming so fragile himself. After her demise shit was bad grandad was unwell, he had emphysema from working as a plaster (asbestos) and also a smoker. Gramps wouldn't off him self as much as he probably wanted but ended up smoking himself to death. We all waited to him to pass in bed camping at the hospital for a week,he said he didn't wanna die alone. Was so traumatic especially as I took he's dogs and they knew what was up...they wouldn't stop crying, :(

He was a tough man, didn't care who you where...But beneath so loving and compassionate.

R.I.P Grandad and Nan I'm sorry I didn't visit you much but I was so young when Nan turned bad and couldn't bare to see her like that at a young age. After that I'm guilty but believe me you where my best grandad and male role model, I wish I spent lots of time with you but wishing wont bring you back, wishing won't do jack. I hope you knew I was at the hospital to say bye and finally hug you properly. Sorry I was high...it feels bad to know I was feeling euphoric when everyone else wasn't, I was truly upset but coped the only way i know how.

I hope you are in a better place with Nan. Please look after mum if you can...I know you would. Bye Grandad, please visit me if you can, until then
RIP I love you and miss you dearly xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
lazygit, your grandad sounds like a truly awesome man. Thank you for telling us about him, I hope it helped.. <3

Guilt is entirely natural, it's really good to express it and let it out.. know that everyone who loses someone feels guilty though - there are always going to be things we wish we had said and done. Herbavore has started a really excellent thread on guilt here - if you feel it is starting to get on top of you, that is an excellent place to start..

Herb, I hope thanksgiving went okay for you, am thinking of you <3
 
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