TDS The TDS grief/bereavement thread

[aveoturbo]

With all you do on here alone, I would say you are far from hollowed out. You experienced something that alot of people have a hard time dealing with. You seem to be managing healthily so far so I would say your on the right path. Follow your heart!

 

[effie]

Was just trying to describe how completely and horribly alone I feel to my friend, and he said you must learn the art of bicycles, buses and walking. He's awesome

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hehe it's working now.. much to you badfish, thank you

Sitting here with my grief now.. it's awful, beyond words, but it feels right somehow too - hard to explain. I guess it's natural progress. I may well go back into denial, I have no idea, but right now I know Dave is dead and gone and it hurts beyond belief but I'm just kind of sitting with it.. of course it hurts, I loved him so much, my life's been torn apart by this. Wouldn't have it any other way. It feels right but at the same time my goodness is it awful, I feel completely hollowed out..

Without having actually experienced such grief myself, I think I can understand where you're currently at effie. The grief is overwhelmingly painful and heavy, but at the same time you know that it's a necessary part of what you're going through. Perhaps it feels right because it validates how monumentally huge a loss this is for you, but also that you know that this is making you a stronger person, and you know that you are going to be okay
Massive hugs and love to you girl, just keep going

 

[S.M.F.G]

Just don't try to do everything alone,S.M.F.G. You are so right that you already have so much to juggle just being a single mom (you could end the sentence right there but add depression and anxiety onto that and it is too much to deal with alone.) Going into the scariest places in psychotherapy is tough but in the end most freeing IME. Good luck.

Lol soz herbavore but i had to correct this one as im a single Father not Mother (although being unfit im startin to get manboobs) my daughters mom is of constant concern to me as she isnt all together, has a partner that hits her, an autistic child to him and abuses the shit outa the vals and booze. I'm prepared to face upto whatever went wrong i have a funny feeling that i may have witnessed an act of extreme violence although its just a feeling i dont know for sure...
Effie my thoughts and heart goes out to you in this terrible time ur experiencing... The lad whom passed away was not Dave from here (the mod) was it? If so i'm deeply saddened by this also as he was a beautiful person. Sorry if this drags up pain for you, Iv'e been away frm here for a bit so am just guessing. PM me if you dun wanna talk more bout it on this thread, or if its none of my buisness I will just leave it alone and again ofer my condolances

 

[herbavore]

Oh, Effie, I know how hard it is to make that phone call. I have many friends here that are very kind and compassionate but they are uncomfortable with just hearing the crying and not thinking they have to say something profound or do something to "fix" it. I have one friend that can let me sob that just leans up next to me and is quiet. She can stay for the long haul and just hand me tissues, rub my shoulders and be with me while I am being with my pain. I have learned so much from her.

i am so sorry. Your sadness, your loss is as big as your love. It hurts that big.

So much love to you, brave girl.

 

[herbavore]

Lol soz herbavore but i had to correct this one as im a single Father not Mother (although being unfit im startin to get manboobs)

Yes,LOL, I figured that out tonight when I came home and read another post of yours somewhere! did you see that I went back and corrected my post with an edit--ha! The irony is that I bumped a thread over in SO that my late son had started and some kind soul responded and addressed me as Sir and I am a momLOL.

Well, mom or dad you have all my respect for going it alone.

 

[lazygit]

Cool thread and resources Effie...Never used them myself as not comfortable with talking about my emotions on the phone.

Gah I've spent HOURS typing shiite but its too much, I miss my ex GF whom I was with at the hip for 3 years, love of my life, she had lots of problems to which I helped with but ended up getting dragged down. It turned sour and we split.. Love/Hate, very intense.

Anyways shes the only person i've ever fully opened up too, and when we split I didn't want to see her as mates or anything as she did abit of a dirty on me. It was an unhealthy but intense loving relationship and its just like shes dead to me when I didn't want her to be.

So its been like 3 or 4 years fucking since and she still plagues me, I miss her, I don't trust women after what she did, infact I haven't really had a desire too meet women, it feels like I still belong to her even though shes well and truely over me.

After a year I pushed myself to sleep with women but it was shallow and shit tbh. I haven't managed to find a girlfriend who is on par with her - 1 girl who i cant have.

I cried forever when we split, I couldn't stop for hours in frount of everyone, proper heart break...its like shes dead, one minute she was there the next....

I could never take her back but all the happy loving times cant be re lived with anyone. Also to top it off I fell out with my best mates just before her so I was totally alone and stung. My only comfort was in drugs ongoing to this day.

 

[swmo]

kind words from friends & family slid off me like water from a duck's back. the only thing that helped me was my very strong new-found faith in God (as i understand him, for the 12 steppers out there) & auricular acupuncture. www.acudetox.com time? well, i thought so....it eased the pain some, but the pain came back ten-fold after i was freed by the tornado and the grief came back as our opening wasn't open any more. actually, this made my grief worse. i lost some people in the storm. it was a reminder of who i'd lost. dammit! but, it's slowly easing. she'll always be there.

 

[effie]

Thanks guys

Today is still hard, fell asleep which was a blessing but awake now in the middle of the night, again, and feel like I'm being crushed by it all.. going to counselling and seeing friends tomorrow then going back to my parents I think, this is too much.

So much to anyone going through this and thank you everyone for your responses!

 

[herbavore]

(((()))) Effie. Sometimes there are no words for this. Just .

 

[swmo]

roller coaster emotions today. i tore a muscle in my shoulder single-handedly moving some kennel fencing about 2 weeks ago & it hurts like hell. my thoughts & emotions swirl..mainly loneliness. i've got self-acceptance down pretty good & courage to change what i can. i don't have the wisdom to know the difference between what i can and can't change. i know i can change. i know i can't change anyone else. my behavior may help someone else want to change, ultimately it resting on the individual. i miss u, TF!

 

[S.M.F.G]

(((()))) Effie. Sometimes there are no words for this. Just .

Seconded... And i appear to have gotten my wires crossed and was thinking of the wrong person, no matter its still a terrible thing and i hope that you are going as well as can be given the cuircimstances

swmo i think we all can relate to rolllercoaster emotions and loneliness, the latter is one of the worst human feelings possible IMO, Just know that you are may feel loneley, but you are not alone...Not here, theres a bunch of us who have you in our thoughts

 

[herbavore]

Hey, swmo, knowing you can change is good. I don't even always get that far!

So, Fizzle kindly reminded me of one of my sons old Second Opinion threads about posting pictures of where you live that show why you love where your part of the world. He started that thread about a month before he overdosed. I bumped the thread thinking that I would take more pictures for him. It feels good, almost like a conversation with him.

He was born here, grew up here (with the exception of one year in Samoa) and he loved this place. It makes me so proud of him to see what he wrote in starting the thread, his positivity, and his enthusiasm for everybody else's pictures. But it also breaks my heart. The pictures that he took are so beautiful--just ordinary scenes from around town and the city beaches but all carefully composed and with really warm light. The picture from the jetty that has his one foot in it is actually the last picture of Caleb that I know of. I still remember buying those shoes. How could he have been so happy and so carefree and at the same time have been hurting so much inside? These thoughts just keep looping.

 

[TheMiddleWay]

kind words from friends & family slid off me like water from a duck's back. the only thing that helped me was my very strong new-found faith in God (as i understand him, for the 12 steppers out there) & auricular acupuncture. www.acudetox.com time? well, i thought so....it eased the pain some, but the pain came back ten-fold after i was freed by the tornado and the grief came back as our opening wasn't open any more. actually, this made my grief worse. i lost some people in the storm. it was a reminder of who i'd lost. dammit! but, it's slowly easing. she'll always be there.

You guys in Joplin are tough cookies. I'm sorry you had to go through a traumatic storm like that, I live around tornados, but can't know how you feel. It's a double wammy, losing your town and people you care about.

It was SO very inspiring to me when an injured kid from there told his story about how he woke up in the hospital for his sister to tell him they had lost both their parents. The poor kid pulled himself together and made the start of this school year after multiple surgeries and physical rehab. I don't think I could have stood that strongly. That boy was just, awe invoking.


I understand what you mean about words of comfort feeling hollow. Every time some one said to me "it will be painful in your heart forever, but it gets lesser and easier," I thought they were full of shit. I am here to make sure you know, and everyone posting here knows:

THINGS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, BUT THINGS DO GET EASIER!

I believe this occurs with time. As the sense of loss settles down, the loving, affectionate memories you shared fill in that hole. Love will massively overwhelm and overflow it as grief leaves, but there will always be tiny cracks around the edges where the pain still resides.

The sun may have set and you may feel dark and cold, but you'll bask in the sunrise. It WILL rise, when you're ready.

Grief is special. If you didn't give a damn you wouldn't shed one trear. But the pain is comforting in that you know that person would have cried the same for you; they loved you too.

This part may not be comforting to everyone, but it makes me happy that something 'special' didn't happen to my father. what happend us written for us already, the question is when will we be united agian.

In a more physical sense, to those who do not believe in an afterlife, I find this thought of comfort:

In billions of years when our sun explodes in a super nova, us and our loved ones will be blasted into dust which will coalesce agian to form a start. We will be burning in the heart of a star, lighting up this universe. We will form heavier elements which will give rise to new worlds. We will have died for a new cosmic happiness. For a new solar system where people can love. This reincarnation WILL happen physically. We will light up the universe.

As Carl Sagan said: We are star stuff.

It will get easier. It will always hurt a little, it should. You will feel joy agian. This sadness will make the joy extra special.

If I win the lottery I will be stopping by everyone to give them a hug.

Love to all here.

 

[effie]

TMW, thank you I get so much hope when I hear things like that.. it really does feel like it will never lift sometimes, and I know it will always hurt but your words really helped me today.

I've been a bit better the past 24 hours or so - went to counselling, got some proper sleep, and am going to stay with Dave's friends and family for a few days, which will be nice.. we're all getting a memorial tattoo together on Sunday which I think will be really nice and pretty therapeutic.. a big smiley face, Dave had one on his leg I remember him saying you can't be sad if you have a smile inked on your skin..

herbavore, the more I hear about Caleb the more amazing he sounds. I understand about it being both wonderful and heartbreaking looking at photos like that.. I'm the same, looking through pictures of Dave and I out and about, at festivals, having our Christmas dinner.. lovely memories but so sad too. He was struggling a lot the last 6 months yet he managed to remain fun-loving and carefree too, I was so proud of him..

SMFG, my Dave is Dave/Evad the mod, yes.. there is a thread in the shrine. We met on BL.. you didn't get the wrong person don't worry

 

[TheMiddleWay]

Effie, I'm happy if anything I said gave you even the slightest comfort. I'm glad to hear you are going to spend time with his family, being with people close to Dave should be helpful. You have someone who can understand the grief, even though your own feelings will not be the exact same, being around people who loved him as well should be helpful. I hope your tattoo turns out fantastic! He's eternally in your heart, and now he can make you smile every time some one asks about your tattoo. I wear my Dad's silver necklace and it brings me comfort feeling the light little chain around my neck which he always wore.

I think by Dave they are talking about user name Dave, http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/members/2066-Dave not name Dave, user name Evad. Confused me at first. I'm right about your Dave mentioned here is user name Evad, correct?

 

[badfish45]

Yes, that is him.

 

[herbavore]

So today I got a phone call from someone that I met when I was going to Nar-anon. I started going to meetings when Caleb's life was spiraling into psychosis weekly and I went because I thought I was going to go crazy with my fear that he would die. I was afraid he would die from compulsive injecting of the drug, I was afraid he would die from riding his bike from his house to ours in the middle of the night while tripping, I was afraid the police would kill him....you name it , I envisioned it. I slept with my phone under my pillow so that I could jump out of bed no matter where he called from. I have been more places in this town in my nightgown than I can count. At the meetings I would usually just cry and manage to choke out that I was so afraid that I couldn't prevent my son from dying and of course, because it was a Nar-anon meeting they would all say that I was absolutely right, that I couldn't and that the sooner I got that fact the better. I used to feel like the bad student! I couldn't grasp the higher power in a meaningful way for myself and I couldn't seem to let go and "let him hit bottom" as the saying went. To me, when the "bottom" was death, that was unacceptable.

I actually really believe in al-anon and nar-anon as very effective support groups for people that need to understand their powerlessness to change the outcome of addiction for anyone else. I learned both compassion for Caleb and compassion for myself from the underlying principles, my discomfort for some of the dogma notwithstanding.

The reason that I am writing this is that it has taken me back to when that was my nightmare, that he might die. I am trying to find the perspective to think about that from inside the new nightmare, the one in which he did die.

 

[S.M.F.G]

Effie hope u holding up as best as situation allows, my thoughts, condolances and love still goin out to you

Herbavore, Thats fucking harsh I'm sorry if i struck a bad chord the other day. I watched my dad die slowly and painfully @ a young age, nothing compared to the loss of a child, I doubt i would cope if anything were to happen to my only child, I had no idea. That must be so hard the AA/NA thing although helpfull to many i could never get into for the higher power thing.
I still tossing up weather to hear about what happened to me that was surpressed, I cant trust my family they plain lie... and the hypnotherapist whom treated me died some years ago. I'm not sure im ready i really feel its gonna fuck me up even more atm and stop my attempts at change, although i have an idea of the nature of the trauma, I cant be sure and am inbetween a rock and a hard place with it

 

[TheMiddleWay]

Effie hope u holding up as best as situation allows, my thoughts, condolances and love still goin out to you

Herbavore, Thats fucking harsh I'm sorry if i struck a bad chord the other day. I watched my dad die slowly and painfully @ a young age, nothing compared to the loss of a child, I doubt i would cope if anything were to happen to my only child, I had no idea. That must be so hard the AA/NA thing although helpfull to many i could never get into for the higher power thing.
I still tossing up weather to hear about what happened to me that was surpressed, I cant trust my family they plain lie... and the hypnotherapist whom treated me died some years ago. I'm not sure im ready i really feel its gonna fuck me up even more atm and stop my attempts at change, although i have an idea of the nature of the trauma, I cant be sure and am inbetween a rock and a hard place with it

Can you search for a therapist who you can talk to openly about what ever comes out, if you decide you would like to know? Do you think that if you decide not to pursue this knowledge you can live peacefully not knowing the full story? You will be strong. No matter what you discover, it won't change who you are, a: loving, compassionate, sensitive individual. Whatever you choose, your strength is apparent. I believe you can handle anything coming your way, your want to face an upsetting issue in your life already shows this durability of your self.

So today I got a phone call from someone that I met when I was going to Nar-anon. I started going to meetings when Caleb's life was spiraling into psychosis weekly and I went because I thought I was going to go crazy with my fear that he would die. I was afraid he would die from compulsive injecting of the drug, I was afraid he would die from riding his bike from his house to ours in the middle of the night while tripping, I was afraid the police would kill him....you name it , I envisioned it. I slept with my phone under my pillow so that I could jump out of bed no matter where he called from. I have been more places in this town in my nightgown than I can count. At the meetings I would usually just cry and manage to choke out that I was so afraid that I couldn't prevent my son from dying and of course, because it was a Nar-anon meeting they would all say that I was absolutely right, that I couldn't and that the sooner I got that fact the better. I used to feel like the bad student! I couldn't grasp the higher power in a meaningful way for myself and I couldn't seem to let go and "let him hit bottom" as the saying went. To me, when the "bottom" was death, that was unacceptable.

I actually really believe in al-anon and nar-anon as very effective support groups for people that need to understand their powerlessness to change the outcome of addiction for anyone else. I learned both compassion for Caleb and compassion for myself from the underlying principles, my discomfort for some of the dogma notwithstanding.

The reason that I am writing this is that it has taken me back to when that was my nightmare, that he might die. I am trying to find the perspective to think about that from inside the new nightmare, the one in which he did die.

Try to think of it this way, by sharing your worries to recovering addicts there, and your experience here you haver likely accomplished one thing more than once:

You made someone at N/A see a worried mother. They most likely saw their own mother's worry on your face, close up. This is something they probably did not realize before, you helped them see the worry their mother feels. You have made it less likely they will use again, possibly saving several lives, and therefore putting their mothers sharing your worries, at ease.

By sharing these tragic circumstances here you have made at least one person think about how they would feel putting their mom in your tragic situation, and less likely to proceed on towards binge use, or take a step back if they are already treading heavily.

These thoughts won't stop the pain, nothing will, only time will ease it for you. Your sons addiction was strong, but NOT because of any failing by you, but DESPITE having a mother in the top .1 percentile for caring, and loving.

this is not a flaw in him either. He was addicted, this can happen to any one, and as the people you spoke to noted, there was nothing you could have done.

But try to take comfort in the fact that your sons death may very likely have led to another young man not going as fast down the same path, or turning around after seeing their mother in your tears.

Your son would be so proud of this, and I am humbled, I didn't think you could pack so much love in one person. You have that special heart, a mother's heart. One which next to the gauge showing how much love and compassion can fit, there lies the symbol for infinity.