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TDS The TDS grief/bereavement thread

Thank you, aveo. I copy-pasted the above and started a blog.

To all of my fellow travelers in the surreal landscape of grief, I hope that today brings you everything good; and by that I mean moments of sacred sorrow, moments of deep peace, moments of needed distraction, moments of contemplation, moments of clarity and moments of gratitude for both what was and what still is. So much love to you all(((<3)))
 
Rabidrabbit, gonna send you a PM message I wrote. Our situation is astoundingly similar, but it's a bit personal to post for general viewing. I lost my old password and registered just to write this.

I feel for everyone who posted her. I never experienced the death of a close relative, and was unprepared emotionally for my father's death more than two years ago, still working on it.

To any one who like me who felt no matter how many people said "it slowly will get better," knew they were lying, they weren't. Very little sadness left, mostly loss. I've replaced anything negative with positive memories. It took probably 10 months until I didn't spontaneously cry. I still have dreams with my father in them, and he feels so close. Waking up is always immensely sad. I'm sure if I watched family video footage I would lose it.

I think this has changed me for the better in some ways, although there were many times it very well could have killed me, I'm glad it didn't. I've faced my mortality. Now just need some motivation to get back up and take on school and work.

Good luck to all here.

Thanks for the thread ellie, your thankless work here doesn't just make people feel better, I'm sure every mod in this forum probably has saved a life. Giving hope to the hopeless.
 
Herbavore, that post brought joy to my heart. It's so interesting and heart warming to see this pre-connection you had with your son before he was even born. I can't even tell you how much it breaks my heart at the same time to see something like this have happened to you. I'm so happy you found the strength to post your grief in this thread.
 
@Badfish--thank you.<3

Here is the poem that I read at Caleb's memorial:

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

~ Naomi Shihab Nye ~

This poem is for all of us.
 
effie said:
Australia and NZ Resources

***to be added later!***
Click to expand...

Just thought I'd give you a hand with this as I know you're having a hard time at the moment my dear effie. I'm constantly thinking of you and sending you good vibrations and love. Also to all others who are struggling to cope with a

Thank you so much - I've moved them to the resource section at the start of the thread. You're a star! <3

-effie
 
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herbavore said:
@Badfish--thank you.<3

Here is the poem that I read at Caleb's memorial:

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

~ Naomi Shihab Nye ~

This poem is for all of us.
Click to expand...

fantastic poem, I'm not sure I could have stood up and read that without plenty of time to cry.

the sorrow is indeed special. How awesome it is that we can care enough about some one that it can rattle our soul, that we can care so deeply with so much empathy, it makes us feel truly alive. Without the sorrow the ecstasy of the peaks would have less deep valleys. Sorrow allows the mountains of kindness, what is 'good' to remain so special.
 
Just wanted to say a huge thank you to Tripman for all the Aus resources -you are a superstar! And much, much love to everyone posting in here. I have a lot I want to say, but I don't have the words tonight - so I will just send you all <3<3<3
 
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Tripman thank you so much for all those links!! Much appreciated mate :) <3
 
<3<3<3<3 back to you Effie. And Tripman, thank you, that is quite a comprehensive list.
 
First up Fucking great thread Effie!!
I've little imput here compared to other posters and the bulk of my shit is going in a seperate thread.
OT: I just got put in the "friend zone" by my girlfriend, Iv'e done everything to try and make things right and royaly fucked up. Its hard to juggle being a single parent and maintain a relationship whilst suffering depression and fuckoff bad anxiety, In the back of my mind i knew the day would come.... Shit just really hurts ya know? I'm sure many of you can dig this, Its kinda made me spiral downwards as of today which sucks coz i was so getin to the point where things were lookin up, now i dont know what to do... Thank the universe for sending me my child, She the only reason i have to keep going atm:( I had so much going for me and now i feel iv'e wasted my life, and Doctor sais i have deferred grief ontop... In a nutshell im feelin majour sadness over loseing someone whom i love dearly. I know she will move on its just a matter of time till more hurt comes along:|
 
Hi SMFG, I'm sorry to hear about your current situation! <3

When your doctor mentioned deferred grief, did they make any suggestions about how to deal with it? Deferred grief is when you don't have a chance to properly grieve at the time, for whatever reason, and it gets boxed up in your head only to resurface later.. does this sound like it could fit with what's going on with you? Did you ever have any bereavement counselling, and is it something you would consider now?

Much <3 and I hope things start to look up for you soon - I'm so glad you have your child, it's so important to have a reason to keep going when times are tough...
 
^ Apparantly i had a very traumatic incident when i was a child that wasnt watching my father slowly die of cancer which is fucked up enough, Memory was surpressed through Hypnotherapy and i cant drag it up, when approching family members they change the subject, Not that i can trust any of them due to the biast views they held towards my father, I remember being @ a shrink soon after i lost him and from there many other councelers and psycotherapists, I just wish i could dig it up so i can start to deal with it.. Ur right in the factit may be a majour factor in whats goin on with me. The truth will be distorted thru family so im kinda stuck in limbo on that, My psycotherapist sais lets hear it, but im scared that its gonna fuck me up worse, Atm i have had to tell everyone to back off till i can get my shit back together, I come leaps and bounds since i relocated, But im still one messed up little cookie:\
 
Just don't try to do everything alone,S.M.F.G. You are so right that you already have so much to juggle just being a single dad (you could end the sentence right there but add depression and anxiety onto that and it is too much to deal with alone.) Going into the scariest places in psychotherapy is tough but in the end most freeing IME. Good luck.
 
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So, guys. I've had a bad one tonight. A really, really, really bad one. I was fine on my own all afternoon then it got to evening and something just.. snapped. I've cried quite a lot since Dave died, ofc, but I really felt like I was hit with a sledgehammer tonight.. few hours of the longest, loudest crying I have ever done (thank goodness for good sound insulation, haha..)

Finally decided I needed to get someone here, now, and unfortunately couldn't get hold of the friend I most wanted, so rang a different one. Not really sure what I said but it must have been bad because they were round mine within minutes looking extremely concerned. And here's the worst bit - it was worse with them there. I was a mess, couldn't get words out really inbetween crying and my friend patted my on the shoudler awkwardly and gave me a carrier bag. I tried to explain, but it wasn't happening so I said I was exhausted and thank you so much and sorry and my friend said anytime and left..

And I cried and cried and cried after they had gone. It's a big thing for me to actually ring someone and get them round.. My friends here mean well, but they realy, really don't get it . I can count the number of people I think would have understood and been okay with me like this one one hand and unfortunately they don't live near enough.. or are dead.

So, yeah. Still crying, but it's easing. My friend brought me some fruit and herbal teabags and a butterfly candle holder, really lovely things. She did her absolute best and I love her for it, and I feel awful for putting her through that, but.. where does this leave me now? Who can actually help me through this? I've made myself a nest of blankets on the floor but I just can't get warm..

Agh sorry. Probably should have been a blog, but I guess this was partly why I started this thread..
 
Don't worry effie. Please please don't feel guilty at all for anything related to Dave's death, you have every right to be upset. It can be hard when you feel alone and you know that nobody around you understands. Trust me, I feel that way every time my depression hits full force. Truth is...people do understand, but they can't specifically understand the relation that you had to Dave. In some ways it comforts to feel like you're the only one who understands. Hun, don't be afraid to PM me if you need to okay?
 
I think its a fine and fitting post Effie. I also wouldn't shy away from adding it to your blog either.
Sorry your having such a rough day, Effie. I wish I had words to make everything better for you and make you the most happy lady in the world, but sadly I do not possess these :( The loss of someone close can take a long time to get over. Its been 1.5 years since my g-pa passed away but I still think about him alot and I try to think of all the great times together we had, but it also saddens me that we will never have anymore good times.

Do you have anything to distract yourself with for the moment? Go for a walk? BL modding? ;) A book to read? Exercise? I know its hard to do that stuff when your all messy in the head but once you actually get going you may start to feel better and recover whats left of your day/night.

Feel better my overseas friend!
 
Thanks guys <3 speaking to a good friend on facebookchat, he's managed to make me laugh, i've fucked my touchpad on my laptop through crying.. luckily it's got this weird other mouse controller, but he's promised me no one ever broke their laptop by crying on it :)
 
Hehe...don't worry you aren't the first. I've had to keep a tissue next to it to wipe up so I can still use my mouse touch pad
 
Hehe it's working now.. much <3 to you badfish, thank you <3

Sitting here with my grief now.. it's awful, beyond words, but it feels right somehow too - hard to explain. I guess it's natural progress. I may well go back into denial, I have no idea, but right now I know Dave is dead and gone and it hurts beyond belief but I'm just kind of sitting with it.. of course it hurts, I loved him so much, my life's been torn apart by this. Wouldn't have it any other way. It feels right but at the same time my goodness is it awful, I feel completely hollowed out..
 
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