I'm 18 and severely dependent on opiates (~80mg of Dilaudid 1-4 times per day [snorted]) for the last few years and have been abusing opiates recreationally since I was 12 and physically dependent since the age of 14. However I have a very strange set of withdrawals that from what I've been able to find searching the forums and google and what not. I do not experience the "flu-like" symptoms but rather:
- SEVERE lower back pain, insomnia, bad joint pains, depression, no motivation, fatigue, slight runny nose, slight diarrhea, irritation, night sweats, fever, bad nausea, and such bad pupil dilation it looks like I'm on an amphetamine or cocaine.
I've never thrown up from withdrawal although I often wish I could, I continually dry heave and feel like I'm about to throw up, I suppose due to having a very strong stomach. Anyway, my question is simply what could be causing my lower back pain during withdrawal? It hurts so bad by the third day that I've never been able to make it any further than 72 hours. I've never had back problems before abusing of opiates but am concerned that I may now have chronic back pain masked by opiates, and it hurts so bad I can't be sober long enough to find out. I want to get clean so badly but I am indigent and doubt I can afford Methadone or Suboxone without not paying rent or not eating. Any similar experiences? What happened to you, did the pain go away after a week or two? Very interested in hearing if anyone has had any similar experiences as it makes detoxing a very uphill battle.
P.S. - Am an Atheist so I'm not sure if 12-Step would be right for me, I'm very stubborn and will have a hard time submitting to authority and lying about a belief in a higher power. I've also heard that the chance of being sober longer than 1 year is 5% in 12-step and 5% on my own, not sure if this is true or not.
Either way, even if you haven't experienced back pain from withdrawal if you've gotten off of high doses of opiates by yourself I'd love to hear your story, I've had enough and would greatly appreciate any inspiration or advice you may have, thank you so much for your time!
My Opiate History:
Addicted to opiates since I was 14 and started experimenting with them at 12 because of a rotator cuff surgery that year. I instantly fell in love since the first time because along with curing my physical agony at the time it also cured my emotional pain due to losing my father a month prior to the surgery. After my first opiate dose I instantly started researching how to get more out of my limited supply, Cimetidine, Grapefruit, etc and soon found myself out of medication and replacing my pills with Vitamin C that looked similar to generic Norco to avoid getting in trouble with my mom and quickly began my quest for more opiates on the street as I was in very serious physical pain and had no medication. I was able to find a handful of Norco here and again maybe twice or three times a week a best, by the time I was 13 I was taking 15+ Norco 2-3 times per day on the street.
By the time I was 14 and hanging around a lot of pot-heads my connections exploded and I was able to get opiates nearly everyday and started my first physical withdrawal at 14. At 15 I started smoking heroin 2-4 times daily (around half gram to a gram a day, medium quality at best) and doing cocaine about 5 times a week. By 16 I was fully addicted to heroin and cocaine, often combining the drugs, doing about a gram each per day (high quality heroin and VERY high quality cocaine). At 17 I cold turkeyed off cocaine to be able to spend more money on opiates and eventually graduated from heroin to dilaudid (a lot cheaper in my area for some reason) and have been using everyday increasing my doses constantly it seems. I no longer receive euphoria from opiates and haven't thrown up from them since I was 15.
I've seemed to lost every friend that I've had due to my chemical dependence, my square friends / pot-head friends have shunned me for my drug habit even though I've never stolen or lied to any of them, they just do not like people who use hard drugs and told me they will be willing to become friends again once I become clean for one whole year being drug tested randomly by my old friends; and my drug friends I had I hate because they always lie and steal and shit and I feel like they were never my friends and just wanted more ways of getting high. By disconnecting myself with them I've lost my cocaine and heroin connections which I consider a good thing since I'm trying to get clean.
I also suffer from mild anxiety from people that have shot at my house and robbed me at gun point because of their habits, and am constantly getting death threats to kill me and my family, however I don't have enough money to relocate away from Sacramento which I feel is the only way I can get away from these drugs; besides everyone I know lives here.
I feel like I'm at rock bottom and I need help! I don't know where to go or what to do so I'm looking to the only place I seem to have left, Bluelight.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story, like I said above any advice would be priceless to me!
Sorry for such a long post.