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Growing Up

attempt4

attempt4

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 21, 2010
Messages
930
Did you find you gained more confidence as you aged?
Do you feel happier and more self-aware as you have gotten older?

I am 21, and feel that I have no prospects, and don't know what I am doing with my life (aside from travelling). It's stupid of me to compare my life to other's, but I see so many of my friends with apprenticeships, starting careers, in Uni and I have just gone from job to job, unaware of any real goal in life.
I don't usually measure my success based on other's or work, but it's just something I sometimes panic about, you know?
Everyone has relationships, houses and I feel I am getting left behind.

Where were you at 21 and where are you now?

Just a few questions for the oldies ;) I love listening to everyone's experiences of life.
 
I'm 31 now and find I can be as shy, introverted, anxious and unsure of myself as I have ever been. In a way it's sort of more pressure because I honestly looked forward to this age feeling I would naturally blossom in maturity and wisdom.

But now I'm wondering what I've got from waiting patiently, wanting to escape my younger years in the hope of something better. Now that it hasn't happened, I feel like there's something wrong with me, and I've reacted by becoming worse.
 
I'm 24 this November and I have always been somewhat more confident then most my friends your only young still dude, you will find what works for you in time most people don't start to worry about that sort a stuff until there around 25-27 so don't panic so much your still at the age of experimentation.
 
I dont actually know. Im 24, when i was 21 i was a depressed lonely alcoholic in college. Now ive been forced out of school because of money issues. I quit alcohol but picked up a minor opiate problem. I have a girlfriend now. Am i happier then i was when i was 21, i have no idea. Id like to think i am but i still consider myself young. I wont be fully happy till i work in a lab and feel like its not always a struggle. Like you i look around and see everyone with better jobs then me or they actually graduated. I see my friends making more money moving out and those who dont deserve shit getting everything handed to them. All i want is one break that makes it so its not always so hard. It seems like everything i do to get out of this rut ends up making it all worse.

I still remain confident that i will find my place in this world. And so should you. Besides you dont want to be one of those people that gets everything easily. I think alot of the reason i actually enjoy being me is the stuff that i have to do to get by. I wont get into any details but i can look back at all ive created all ive done in the name of getting through the day and be happy. The one thing they will never say is szuko backed down or he didnt work his hands to the bone trying to make it to the top.
 
I've made huge strides the last 2 years compared to 21 year old me. The last year especially has been very transformative mostly thanks to a girl I randomly met.
She is an ex and has been for quite some time but we are still very good friends and see a lot of each other.

She triggered a lot of changes, I stopped playing tons of video games and not going out, picked up a few more hobbies, started reading a lot more, started unicycing which is great exercise, made more friends and met more people than I did the previous 4 years and started indulging in psychedelics besides the weed I used to smoke (but this is not really due to her). Mostly got rid of some bad habits and picked up some good ones.

I'm quite pleased with myself lately but I still have a lot more to improve and am constantly picking up things to learn. Lately a pretty girl got me interested in dance and I'll be going to capoeira classes with her.
 
Oh nice, someone posted an interesting thread in SO that isn't about knitting or shower curtains.

I just turned 31. In a sense, I'm more comfortable with myself. I care less about what other people think. I care less about making a good impression, and more about making people think or laugh, and amusing myself in the process. I also find I enjoy little things that I used to take for granted. Nice weather. Plants. A beautiful vista. NPR radio. On the other hand, I often find myself trying less, and thus caring less about a lot of relationships, and I find that the less I care, the less people around me care. Being young, it never seemed like meeting people half way was a chore. Now that I'm a bit older, I find myself offended at the task of soliciting myself to gain acceptance, or feeling like I have to offer something to people. As a result, I find myself at times in a struggle between my own apathy, and being hurt by the apathy of others. I'm also more aware of my personal boundaries, and I'm much quicker to stick up for myself. But at the same time, caring less about image means losing touch with the person who had fabulous hair and a lean, muscular frame. I can't rely as much on my youth and looks to make a good impression, so I'm finding that I always having to make people think and laugh in order to feel accepted right off the bat.

Also, confidence becomes more important the older you get. Don't expect people around you to lift you out of your funk and make you feel better. As you get older, lacking confidence just creeps people out. You always have to be on your game or people will just think you're an asshole or a loser, and it's tougher to recover from a bad first impression.
 
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attempt4 said:
Did you find you gained more confidence as you aged?
Do you feel happier and more self-aware as you have gotten older?

I am 21, and feel that I have no prospects, and don't know what I am doing with my life (aside from travelling). It's stupid of me to compare my life to other's, but I see so many of my friends with apprenticeships, starting careers, in Uni and I have just gone from job to job, unaware of any real goal in life.
I don't usually measure my success based on other's or work, but it's just something I sometimes panic about, you know?
Everyone has relationships, houses and I feel I am getting left behind.

Where were you at 21 and where are you now?

Just a few questions for the oldies ;) I love listening to everyone's experiences of life.
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I'd say that where you're at now - it's really a hard part of life working out what your place in life is.

I didn't work out what I was supposed to do again til 3 years ago, and it's still taken me another 3 years to get myself balanced and confident enough to be able to actually make strides in that part of my life.

I'm more confident than I've ever been; more self-aware of how much power I have at my fingertips, and just how much power I have when I want to use the charm; and I'm also no longer feeling like a child in a big world (I'm fucking 24!), ever.

AT 21 I was going through the motions of a nervous breakdown, dealing with being on the edge of proper alcoholism, and suicidal tendencies, and a bit of an aversion to further education - not really knowing what I wanted from life, except I looked at what a few of my friends were doing and though "hey, maybe I can do THAT" - nothing original at all, really. I was pretty much an utter waste of space.

Now, after working on myself A LOT I'm starting to get into the tattooist's world, learning about motorcycles, and learning a lot of skills I wish I'd had the chance to learn if I had better male role models in my life (my dad taught us NOTHING about living in the real world).

Reading a lot more and learning new skills just when I get given the opportunity, almost no matter what it is.

I need to go travelling soon, it's been a while, but hey - all in good time, but the time to start again is NOW.

- coming back onto you - I would say, don't compare yourself to friends, other people - you're trying to find your own thing.

Here are 2 quotes that I think might be good for you to ponder (but only for a few seconds).

-
"Keep true to the dreams of thy youth" - Schiller - think back, maybe even ask your parents if there was anything you REALLY wanted to be (more than just a short passing phase) when you were a kid.
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-
"They (the hippies) imagined peace of mind was not with their families or in their home countries, they didn't see we can only live in happiness if we conquer the restless dream that paradise is in a world other than our own."
Click to expand...
(from a book I read about the hippie trail from London to Nepal - will find it and edit this post). - Take from this what you will - I think it speaks really well for itself though.
 
attempt4 said:
Did you find you gained more confidence as you aged?
Do you feel happier and more self-aware as you have gotten older?

I am 21, and feel that I have no prospects, and don't know what I am doing with my life (aside from travelling). It's stupid of me to compare my life to other's, but I see so many of my friends with apprenticeships, starting careers, in Uni and I have just gone from job to job, unaware of any real goal in life.
I don't usually measure my success based on other's or work, but it's just something I sometimes panic about, you know?
Everyone has relationships, houses and I feel I am getting left behind.

Where were you at 21 and where are you now?

Just a few questions for the oldies ;) I love listening to everyone's experiences of life.
Click to expand...

It's like looking through a mirror, although i suppose it's not to far off.. im only a year older then yourself.

I moved back in with my folks 5 months ago after living out of home independently for a couple of years, this really messed with my head because while i knew people who had houses, careers, even kids; here i was back at home with nothing and worse, no drive or ambition for anything. Having this time to reflect on my life i felt that if i really wanted all those things i would probably have them, there's a reason i don't.. and im only comparing myself with them because i have nothing else for comparison.

But that's part of the joke; if you have nothing to compare yourself with.. the only thing left is you as you are. I try have no expectations about anything, it will end up in whatever way it will.. it's only when you expect a certain outcome that you experience disappointment. I suppose the closest thing to a goal i have is to throw myself into foreign countries with some money, no plan and see what happens... if i can do this i'll know i've conquered my fear of uncertainty.

Cyc said:
I also find I enjoy little things that I used to take for granted. Nice weather. Plants. A beautiful vista. NPR radio. On the other hand, I often find myself trying less, and thus caring less about a lot of relationships, and I find that the less I care, the less people around me care. Being young, it never seemed like meeting people half way was a chore. Now that I'm a bit older, I find myself offended at the task of soliciting myself to gain acceptance, or feeling like I have to offer something to people.
Click to expand...

It's interesting to see someone else mention this, i feel much the same way.. the less i care the more accepting i am of life, with this acceptance comes true awe at the simple pleasures that were always there but never appreciated. And yet as a result of this more peaceful appreciation of everything as it is, i find myself less interested in the affairs of others which consequently leads to less interaction and more contemplation.. there's an aspect of relations between people that i find very bitter; the basis of the majority of them are founded around the expectation of 'what can you give me?' there's few people i've met where nothing would be expected of me and they have been genuine friends.
 
18 - lost, going to college because it was expected of me

22 - graduated college, even more lost

23 - enjoying my freedom from college, living with friends in a big city, working, big increase in self-confidence

24 - loathing my lack of structured educational development, return to grad. school

24.5 - crippling anxiety as a result of my stupid decision to return to grad school, drop out of grad school, do first formal meditation retreat, turning point approached

25 - make first positive decision of my life -- sell everything I have, travel to Thailand, Cambodia, India, Germany for two months.

25 1/4 - return home to USA, determined to work for a few months so that I can return to Thailand on a long-term basis

25 1/3 (today) - feeling utterly apathetic and depressed about living in the USA. Talking with one of my very few friends (I only keep the good ones), we come to the conclusion that the entire system of living today is fucked. Kids go to college because it is expected of them, wallow in debt for the rest of their life, and get a dead-end job that they hate to pay off that debt. If no college, job opportunities severely dampened. Red-tape and regulations and laws bind us to the point that 'freedom' is simply an illusion.

With no ambition to fulfill my role as Consumer #6,867,98x-- I work at menial part-time jobs to simply pay for rent, food, and the occasional alcohol bender. On my days off I ride my bike, take pictures, read literature, listen to music, play chess, have conversations with my few friends, enjoy the sunny weather-- this is only stimulating for so long. Eventually, everything becomes menial and mindless.

Getting old.... your choice: submit to the Consumption-driven mode of living, and, like a zombie or Frankenstein, numbly work your way to the corner-office, 1.5 kids, the boat, the modest ranch, and college payments; or, shun the system and perpetually feel like an outsider.

In summation: getting old sucks.*



(of course this response reflects my current mind-state. things will do a 180* tomorrow and I'll be the definition of chipper).
 
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When I was 21, I was full-on in my hardcore raver days, working as a stripper, hanging out, partying etc. I had dropped out of college the year previously so was really not thinking much about the future or anything other than the next rave. I had a cute little apartment that was unfortunately ruined by my lack of standards for housemates or their friends who would do drugs and lay around all day while I went to work.

I stayed in terrible relationships for years, or constantly sought out the wrong kind of boy (since I wasn't ready to date an actual man despite them all being well past their mid-twenties. I thought love equated pain.

Now, I am 36, I have a 3 year old son, back in school, living in a nice house with grownups who are reasonable most of the time. Still like to go dancing, but it is not in the full on aspect when I really identified as being a "raver" Now, I consider myself an "old raver" LOL ;). I feel a lot more secure with who I am, have a lot more confidence, am happier overall. I went through a period of celibacy after my son was born, because he was and is the most important person in my life, so I didn't need to be distracted by someone who would only bring me down.

Now am dating someone who is grownup and who is the most emotionally stable person I have dated. I need that, someone who levels me out.

Still don't feel completely grownup though. I forget how old I am sometimes!
 
At 16, I was more than naive. Experimentation could not be had; mom's too strict and won't let me out past a specific time.

18: Going to college is expected when you live in a middle class household. Heck, my grades were pretty decent in high school too. Graduated 12/430.

19: Started experimenting with alcohol and weed.

20: Introduced to Buddhism through a meditation class. Turning point.

21: Confused over whether my initial desire to pass school is still rationalized. Grades drop drastically (B+ to C), drop education portion of my major out for just mathematics. Work is a big point of life. Focus is on transcending into spiritual realms.

22 (now): Still confused how I'm going to make my gameplan work. But our gameplans don't ever work anyway. Trying to reach spiritual realms again. Reading a lot, trying to focus on being mindful instead of normal. Most people don't understand my viewpoints, call me weird and strange or plain wrong. Barely passed my final class with a D.
 
I want to thank each and every one of you for your replies. Individually, they have nourished my thirst for knowledge/experience and enlightened me no end. Collectively they have curtailed many anxieties I held over growing up and whether "i'm doing it right". Silly, I know.

I can't really reply to each and every post as it's rather late, but rest assured that I have read each one with joyous, child-like affection and unadulterated attentiveness. I feel one of the most important things on this planet is to listen to other's and learn from the wisdom attained through each individual experience.

In keeping with the thread, here's my growing up memoirs:
Abusive absent father who fucked off when I was 10, and have only seen once since. Alcoholic mother who has actually since cleaned up but still not with the program. Auntie drove off a cliff a couple years ago, had to stop a suicide attempt by mother when young. I attempted suicide myself twice as a teen but failed each time.
There have been many other nasty life experiences in my short time here but I feel I should get to the point.
I had a dangerous affection for drugs. The more numbing, the better.
This lead to many issues, dependence, life-support/hospital trips, exacerbating depression and anxiety.

Anyway, cut a long story short....I've become totally clean of everything except a bit of smoke now and again. Focussing back on weight training, back into meditation and studying Buddhism, working and saving to travel the world. I cringe at the thought that I almost lost my life so many times due to drink and drugs. I am desperate to just get out there and see the world. I hold no anxieties over doing so and would go tomorrow but have no money behind me whatsoever.
All of my friends had ABSOLUTELY perfect upbringings - loving family, plenty money, no worries, respect and love all around them, stability. They have all also been given their subsequent fortunes on a plate. That's fine and dandy, and I would rather choose self-sufficiency and earning my bread over the inability to fend for myself any day! I have worried a lot, however that I may not be able to do what I want for x reason, or something will go wrong or etc etc etc....which is a residual negative after-effect from the extremely turbulent upbringing. It both scares and excites me to think where I will be in 1- years time at age 31.

I dont really know what I'm trying to say. Perhaps i'm looking for reassurance? I know the past is the past and can't dictate my future..I guess I would just like to hear stories of people having just upped and left with no plans but to see the adventure of life...no money or anything. That's what I would love to hear.
Thanks everyone and please, continue to post your life experiences and time growing up. :)
 
Here is your reassurance: there is no such thing as "perfection". No perfect life, no perfect family, no perfect action.
 
It was a figure of speech. A juxtapositional description. I obviously didn't mean 'perfect', merely void of the same severity of trauma's and issues.

Thanks though...I understand what you mean. TBH, it's pretty late and I have barely slept last night, instead been smoking all day so it's best I hit the hay just now

Thanks!
Goodnight
x
 
Wow, this is a great thread.

And I dont think anyone should compare where they are at at 21 to anyone else in a way that makes one seem less successful.

I was still working on my BFA at an arts school at art school. It wasnt until I was 25 or 26 and had my first taste of teaching that I found what it is I think i was meant to do in life. Teaching art.

But my journey in personal growth will never be over. I am 27 and just had what felt like a hurrican blowing through my life and sending me tumbling off my path. My life got so out of hand that i just had to move back with my parent and take a semester off to get my head straight and learn how to live a normal life agian after battling depression and an addiction. But This semester off and the time away from memphis has gotten me back on the right path.

So Give yourself time. And never think your too old to suck at life sometimes, cause life keeps getting harder.
 
I am almost 39 years old. With age, comes wisdom from experience. I am in the best physical shape I have ever been. I am secure in my career. I have a wonderful husband...although I never wanted to get married until I met him 7 years ago. I am confident in who I am and who I want to be. I am kinder. I am softer. I like getting older as I continue to progress as a human being. Yes, I set goals for myself. I keep learning. I am less likely to question myself as I get older.

At 21 I was in my third year of my BSc, getting laid, living with my parents, and dropping LSD. I didn't worry about my future. I figured I would get a decent job that kept me out of the labour sector like my parents. I hoped I would pass every class as I was academic probation for the first 2 years. I got into a Master's program after being out of university for a year. THAT year was a little scary as I wasn't sure what the hell I was going to do with only an undergrad degree. I also got into MDMA and the party scene for those 2 years. I did not work that hard. I got lucky. I am grateful.

I used to use other people's lives to gauge my success in life in my 20's. I stopped. Do what makes you happy.
 
Well im kinda in the same position as the OP and hope to god that things improve

I'm 18, go to uni but do a course I dislike and I'm almost certain has no prospects
dont have any REAL friends just acquaintances i occasionally get high with
and terrible social anxiety which leads to being depressed often
only plus is I have a part time job but even that is shitty work

oh and no relationships which is really the most painful aspect of my life
 
As much as I love being in love, you must understand that being single is a time that is important to learn about what you truly love in love, without influence of love.

I've done some foolish things in a relationships because I didnt know my own heart.
 
Cyc said:
Oh nice, someone posted an interesting thread in SO that isn't about knitting or shower curtains.
Click to expand...

YB2u9.jpg



OP, to answer your first two questions: yes & no. Regarding the rest, I've felt much the same way -- that sense of being left behind. Seeing those around you prosper in their careers and relationships can certainly put a damper on your day. But you have to question why that is. Is it due to a lack of effort in achieving your goals? Or is it because you simply don't know what your goals are to begin with? Once you become cognizant of your own mind and the state of your thinking, you are better suited toward solving your problems. For me that meant going back to school. It may be different for you.

On a final note, its possible to have many "mini-lives" within your lifetime. Never feel as though you are 'stuck'. You always have the opportunity to change the path you are on. You are free. It's just not always easy and sometimes we focus so much on the doors that are closed that we neglect the windows of opportunity that have been opened.
 
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