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Growing Up

Cyc said:
You always have to be on your game or people will just think you're an asshole or a loser.
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At the same time, where do we draw the line between keeping up appearances and being true to ourselves?

From what you said even though you 'keep up' it sounds pretty stressful at the same time, and you'd rather not have to be bothered?
 
Zulkifar said:
At the same time, where do we draw the line between keeping up appearances and being true to ourselves?

From what you said even though you 'keep up' it sounds pretty stressful at the same time, and you'd rather not have to be bothered?
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Comfort with oneself is a double-edged sword. On one hand, you project yourself as someone who is at ease and self-confident, which helps when building relationships with new people. But on the other hand, these creature comforts slowly erode your external image and make people less likely to approach you in the first place. I hate to say it, but looks matter, even as you get older. Perhaps especially as you get older.

In a lot of ways, I sitll think of myself as a kid. When I meet someone who is 40+, I think of them like I would my parents, even though my mother is past 50. At some point, perhaps the generation gaps will bleed together, but I still feel that my peers are in their 20s, and anyone 30+ with major responsibilities is an 'adult'

Most of our parents were old and ugly by the time we were in high school, but we loved them anyways. Yet imagine how difficult it was for them to make new friends, and compete with their peers who didn't have families. Most probably didn't even try.

But our generation has much more social freedom. Marriage and family is no longer an obligation for many adults, and thus we see burgeoning social scenes for people of all ages. You'd be surprised how close to high school a group of 30 or 40-somethings can be. Backstabbing, gossip, cliques. You name it. If you were like me, you thought that adults somehow transcended these petty problems once they got a certain age. Alas, kids just see the world through different eyes. It's all still there. And when you think about it, it's obvious. People don't learn how to socialize differently when they get older. They just get better at honing the ways of the schoolyard. Try to transcend the politics and people will think you're a snob and a d-bag at best, or worse, a loser who can't hang with the 'cool kids'. You can't really win. It's a hamster wheel that you're endlessly running on. It's a nightmare. I sometimes think people should get married and have kids just for the respite.
 
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OP, I can extract from your first post alone that you've travelled, and that you've gone from "job to job". That's great and nothing to be stressed out about. It's all a learning experience, and by travelling and working different jobs you're learning about yourself, your interests, and what you could see yourself doing for the rest of your life. Spare a thought for all those people who go to uni straight out of high school, with no real idea of what they want to study or do with their lives. You have one-up on them.

attempt4 said:
Did you find you gained more confidence as you aged?
Do you feel happier and more self-aware as you have gotten older?

Where were you at 21 and where are you now?
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At 21, 3rd year of a degree. I was more confident than I was at 18, but I was still in the process of overcoming social anxiety. No real idea of what I wanted to do with my degree.

Now, at 23. Graduated at the end up last year. I've been working full time, in a job not related to my degree. I'm a much more relaxed and confident person than I was though.
 
No matter what age I always thought I knew everything and then later realized how stupid I was

I'm 21 so I doubt it'll stop any time soon
 
I am definitely a happier and stronger person now days - i have just turned 30 and i wouldn't trade it to be in my early 20s EVER!!
 
Great thread topic man i gotta start comoing to second opinion more often ha i didnt even know what this place was...still really dont.

I am 21 and im in a pretty good place right now. I have a large friend group but only a few good friends. Im going to college and take pride in getting really good grades. My major is education and im pretty confident that teaching is what i want to do for the rest of my life.

Id like to think ive gained more confidence as ive gotten older although im not much as a "baller" as i was in highschool. Everything hit me pretty quick after graduation. I didnt think it would be much of a deal but people started moving away, i stopped talking to people who were good friends, i was in a brand new school with no one i knew and i had to start being more responsible. I have the best family that love and support me in everyway.

Overall id say im a happy guy. Im actually pretty introverted more so then during my "younger years" and spend alot of time alone but i have hobbies and go out a couple times and have a good time with my friends to recharge the batteries. After highschool i started to go to the gym every other day and im alot more active. I love every sport and play them often. And just a few days ago i got a good job with a cool group of people! So right now things are good ha but i guess i will have to see how things turn out after college. Im hopin things go just as smoothly.
 
21 - in college, finally getting over lots of drugs/depression/immaturity from my freshman/sophomore years. didn't know or care what i was going to do with my "adult life." had a good amount of relationship experience, but still not much confidence with girls.

24 - laid off from first "real job" and completely re-routing my career path. finally knew what i wanted to do, but just barely getting started on getting there. trying too hard to be a grown-up relationship-wise and getting way ahead of myself.

26 - single, living with my parents, having more fun than I'd ever had. Made lots of friends, met lots of girls, started a relationship with a hot young college student.

27 (currently) - finishing up graduate school. very confident and happy in my relationship, and excited about my future career.

Career-wise, I thought I knew what I wanted at 21, but didn't have enough experience or self-awareness to realize that it was the wrong direction. Figured it out around 24, and am finally getting there now. In terms of girls, I feel like I've gotten stronger and more confident with every day I've lived. I finally feel like I'm more man than boy, I know my way around the bedroom, and have no problem asserting myself in any situation. Overall, I know more about what I want and have gotten far better at getting it.

I can't really think of any area of my life that was better at 21 than 27. And I had it pretty good at 21.
 
I'm 51 and i definitely have more confidence now that i ever did. I can remember worrying about everything (boys usually, and relationships, etc.) and being nervous about things that now i wouldn't bat an eye at.

plus i know a lot more than i did then and have had a lot more experiences that i learned from.

when i was 21 i was an executive secretary. a few years later i quit and started my own jewelry making business and travelled a lot in mexico and other places and pretty much became a super hippy even living in a converted school bus on some land for a few years with no electricity.

years later i became a junkie and sold dope for almost 10 years.

now i still do opiates rarely (pods usually) and kratom and love to hang out with my kitties and ratties and just feel comfortable doing what i love without having to worry about peer pressure, what people might think, getting boys... lol and on and on

i manage an industrial warehouse complex for my family and live in the family house too and so does my bf of 10 years.

for me being older is definitely better!!!

it took me so many years to realize that everything is going to be ok no matter what... and not to stress out about things i have no control over or are none of my business lol like what other people think or do ;)
 
I was broken from 18 to 23. No confidence(more like major fear&negativity), major depression, disconnected from people and the world. Had a health issue at the fragile age of 17 and without any support whatsoever it wrecked me and my academic success. Did drugs at 20-23 which didn't help, maybe if i'd done mdma only once and no psychedelics and weed. I'd say I started to pick myself up at 22 which kicked into positive learning groove at 23 and 23-24 was all about the new stuff and learning social skills. Now at soon to be 25 I'm quite "whole" as a person with loads of confidence, atlhough there are always areas to "grow". Also, the chicks dig me but I just need to find the right one goddamnit :D I'm definitively more confident, self-aware and happy now! My only complaint is that those broken years derailed my shit so badly it's hard to understand why I'm where I'm today and feels almost outright impossible to change the course.
 
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What the fuck? How I got where I am today and what to do about it.

This is mainly a rant but tips and perhaps similiar experiences are appreciated :\

To make a long story short I lost my shit at the age of 17. The best description of my existance during the ages 18-23 is probably that I ate food, sat on the computer and moved in the direction fear was pushing me. Essentially those years were wasted. That's some sad stuff honestly. Anyways at 25 I'm finally back! The thing is I have made some important choices during that time like starting comp science at uni. When I think why I'm where I'm at today I just don't know. It's perhaps somewhat hard to explain but when I look back I can still identify with the kid I always were but not during those broken times. Now I feel locked on the course that was chosen during a very bad time of my life. It's fucked! Years of work and financial dedication. For what? Why? I don't know. There is no focus in my life anymore and I don't know whats what. It's a weird feeling, seriously. Just drifting. I could probably finish uni in six months but those feelings have kept me from putting the work in, I'm already late by 1 year. I'm not afraid anymore how it turns out if I don't finish. Also, it feels I wasted an important opportunity in studies because this essentially makes it impossible for me to be a full time student again in an another field without a lottery win. It's not so easy to start doing "something" at the age of 25 either, at least feels that way. Maan shit is hard :) I have a second round job interview coming up and my prospects look good but honestly I don't care, the only thing that is slightly relevant is $.
 
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Most people I know reflect on their college (or university) eduction with two views. Firstly, the subject matter expertise itself, but also, the development of themselves as people in going through the college experience. Try not to lose sight of this.

FWIW, I'd suggest speaking to your tutor or your careers advisor in terms of what life looks like after you complete. It maybe that this lack of clarity is uncomfortable for you, and therefore you are resisting finishing your course. I have a friend who spent two years completing the last 6 months of a degree for this very reason, which did not make him feel better I can assure you. Best do whatever you can NOW to ensure that (a) you have at least some vague vision of what the next few years entail for you; and (b) that you actually finish the course you've worked so hard for.
 
attempt4 said:
Did you find you gained more confidence as you aged?
Do you feel happier and more self-aware as you have gotten older?
Click to expand...

I'd imagine that many of us here on BL have had a difficult time growing up, and the reason I say this is because of something a teacher in high school once told me that I believe to be true: that many people do drugs because they want to be kids again (or feel like kids again, rather).

I wouldn't consider myself "old," but I'm not happy with where I am, and, to be perfectly honest, I believe that I was even more confident and more self-aware years ago...
 
verso said:
I believe that I was even more confident and more self-aware years ago...
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LOL I'm going to say I can relate with you on that.

Not sure how it came that way with you, but I think looking back at your mistakes in the past, how can you be so sure you've improved as a person now? That kind of thing just makes me less confident. All I see is more and more fuckups down the road...

Where in a way the inexperience of your younger years leaves you feeling a little more sure of things, as you haven't experienced everything that will challenge who you are and your perceptions, attitudes and beliefs.

I'm not saying things are worse, maybe the best way I can describe the passing of time is that things simply change... some things for better, others for worse. As it's not ALL bad. I feel I've improved in an inner sense, but I seem to end up in situations that don't don't seem to bring the best out in me, like recently starting uni this year surrounded by people I don't relate to at all. Whereas it wasn't like that in the past, I still have good friends I've made at earlier courses. But the last 2 years have been a bit off ever since some projects and relationships didn't go as planned!
 
attempt4 said:
Did you find you gained more confidence as you aged?

Just a few questions for the oldies ;) I love listening to everyone's experiences of life.
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Im a lot happier than I was 21, Im 28 now. I do have more confidence than before, my social scales has improved dramatly since 10 yearas ago. I also know a lot more than before, just from experince.
Finicially I was better 4-5 years ago, but less happier, with huge opaite habbit, now its the oppsite, less money, no opaite addiction and happier. Also I no long care about things that i did when i was 21, its like, it no longer matters. For example i would get JEALOUS when i was 21, now i don't at all.
 
I am 41 and I still havent got life figured out yet. All I know is that I take it as it comes. I don't worry about what people think about me, expect from me or think I should be or ought to be.

At 21 I though I had my shit together. I was working full time and going to college fulltime. I was the "good girl". Didn't party..no drinking, no drugs, nothing but school. I was the first person in my family to actually go to college, let alone graduate. But aside from all that I still had no clue what I was doing or was gonna do with my life.

I have had so many different jobs since the age of 14, I could fill up a book. All different varieties, living all sorts of different experiences. The only thing that I didn't do that I regret was to travel. Enjoy being young and having no responsibilities, but don't go overboard. I am a firm believer that you will eventually find what makes you happy.
 
I'm 20 (21 in a few months). Personally I think traveling is good experience! I wish I had traveled. Or will travel. I don't really travel much. I don't really leave my area much. I wish I could get more of an opportunity though.

Well for me, I just graduated, the past couple months were brutal for me because I was not making enough money. The amount I made was enough for rent and that's all (no groceries, clothes, transportation, or anything). So it was difficult. Finally got a job that will pay for all these things and I am no longer going to go bankrupt, thank goodness! Will be able to pay back debt now :p ahah.

Anyway so I have a really cool job. It's part time but I'm very happy with that!
I have an amazing boyfriend who I've been with for about a year and a half. But people think we've been together for like, years and years, it's funny (but awesome!).
I just moved into a new place and it's amazing, I don't have roommates, I just live in a basement. No roommates is awesome. It's also in the location that I want to live in. (I love the city and hate the country and I'm IN the city now and it's amazing.)
I've been working on being healthier with food and exercise and stuff, which is really nice. My boyfriend is focusing on these things as well!
My second "job" that I do is coming along well.
I have an awesome idea for a project that I hope will be a hit sometime. In a couple months!!!
I have some pretty awesome friends too, who I really bond with.

Things are going REALLY well for me. My goal is to make a big more money (I'm still not going to be rich or anything) and keep exploring to see what I really want to do with my life because I don't think I want to be in a receptionist position forever and although it's a cool receptionist position, it's still a receptionist position, lol.

I do like growing up though and being able to be an individual and look after myself and stuff like that, it's awesome, I love it :)
 
Me? I'm still not not 21, which is a strange age to not not be. I'm all out of sorts, if you couldn't tell. Don't know which way is up exactly, but I do know which way is sideways, and that's the way I'm going to be lock into for a minute and a half (AKA at least a year).

I'm a musician, burning with passion for it (like ridiculously ambitious, dedicated, frantically networking, etc.), but I'm still limited by what other people are capable of to some degree, and no one around me is capable of a damn thing! At least that's how it seems now. I just started this music recording program at a college here, and everyone's I've met is either a retarded pothead, or a retarded "Dave" fan. Both are equally soulless as far as I'm concerned. I need some crackheads or something...getting sober was a good idea, but hanging out with sober/stoner people was NOT. I need to find the right people. I just have a few more hurdles of self-confidence to get over before I'm really doing exactly what I want to be doing. AKA performing in the streets while selling my songs to advertising agencies and publishing companies, and mercilessly leading my band through an intense touring schedule for as far and as long as possible. I will do everything on my own if that's what it takes. I"m just learning how to do that right now I guess. I'm hustling like a mofo when I'm not on the internet.

I guess I'm caught up in the middle of a bit of a self-made grind, and I haven't found anyone who is even remotely on my level. So I'm all alone, and I waste too much time on the internet....Well the grind isn't self-made, it's coming from the fact that I realize that people out there in the actual music industry are real, hard working, people, unlike the lameness that they spring on unsuspecting college kids so they have an excuse to waste their time for 15 weeks twice a year and suck em for all they're worth. Etc. etc.

Out of sorts...out of place...too ambitious for my own good, and not accomplished enough to really justify it to anyone else other than me.
Im probably at about average confidence, but I need to be more confident, and I'm not there yet. I don't have big circles of friends to act as a safety-net.

Then again, I'm still not not 21. ;)
 
I am way happier now then I was when I was younger. I missed out on a lot of things and make a person who they are.. I never went crazy, never partied, never did much of anything. I married super young (16) and was pretty much a shut in.

Now I am 30, have a wonderful husband, wonderful job, wonderful kids and house... and some awesome hobbies.

I do regret my lack of IRL friends. I should get more friends. When i have time :)
 
The most enrapturing story is that of one's life.
We all have a tale to tell, lessons that have been learned.
When it comes to finding yourself and developing your esteem, nothing on this earth is more valuable than to listen to the experiences of others.

Great reading, folks. Keep them coming.

Lama112 - I don't see why you can't travel. You are younger than me fer chrissakes. You have a job and all that, you feel held down, but what's stopping you just saving a wee bit for a couple months and going away for a fortnight just to see the world? Get over to India or Thailand where your money will go far. Don't live to regret!

CoffeeDrinker: Dont worry. You remind me of my brother. My brother was the exact same as you. Persistent pestering of people, endless motivation like you seem to have and continual determination, boundless strive and an insatiable hunger to do it are all you really need to get yourself going. It will happen in time.
Let me tell you a story:
My brother, R spent countless nights dreaming of future aspirations, dreaming of playing gigs and selling out tours. He had the drive, but couldn't find the ignition to set the fuel alight and get things moving.
That is, until he went to University and was paired up with 4 other boys as a project band for the course (Music Production or something similar). It just so happened that they glued.
To say they glued would be an understatement...they got on like a house ablaze. After writing a song for the course, the lecturer advised them to write more.
Fast forward lots of stress and eventful nights, they were signed to Lizard King records, had a video on MTV2 and were touring Europe and playig alongside U2 at festivals amongst other things.

The only thing made sure all this happened was that he stayed true to his dreams and never gave up hope.

Something I have learned in my short time on this space-rock:

You may try and try and try again, and it is ok to fail... but it is never, never ok to give up. Tears are acceptable, emotional turmoil is acceptable, stressing the fuck out and trying your damnedest but failing is acceptable, however... quitting is never acceptable.

You will get there in the end. Just keep at it, don't give up hope. It will happen. Believe in yourself and keep on keeping on.

Percodeth and shahab6 - It's great to read about learning more about yourself and gaining confidence as you get older. This really gives hope to us young sons of bitches.

Verso and Zulkifar - It's interesting to read your posts. Zulkifar, we all make mistakes. You can't look back at them and think "I keep making them. I must be a fuckup" as that doesn't make sense if you think about it. Simply being aware of your "mistakes" (it's not a good word at all and we look at our "mistakes" all wrong in the West, I believe) shows that you have gained the self-awareness and developed the maturity to realise what went wrong and what should be done differently.
Look at each "mistake" as a learning curve. Make the changes conducive to your life's development after re-thinking what happened and whatnot. You seem fairly switched on to me.
Verso, is it not possible to change what you aren't happy with in life right now? What's different? What should or could you do differently?
If anything, at least you are aware of your state of mind at the moment. Now is the time to make the changes, man. You have that confidence and maturity deep down, you just need to fish it out again!

Everyone, please keep it coming. Thanks!
 
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