I was born at the wildlife refuge and died there. 4-9-11
To begin, I’ve had quite a bit of experience with psychedelics but I’ve never done brave amounts of them. More than that, I respect the substance. I don’t use psychedelics to get fucked up or have fun. It is that but it’s more for spirituality and expanding my mind. I got a hold of 5g of very powerful psilocybin cubensis. I was waiting for the right time to use them. When I wasn’t stressed out and had a day to spend in nature with the right people. All of those needs were met and it was a beautiful day to trip.
Well I dosed all 5g at 3:30. I prefer to trip alone with all mostly sober people around. It’s because my feelings and thoughts are so different typically than those that trip. I feel more separated from people tripping than sober people. T, B, C, A, and myself are headed out to the wildlife reserve. On the way out there the visuals and feelings start picking up. Just laughter and empathy. The come-up compared to most of my peak time on shrooms before which was only 2g. I was wondering how far I would reach. Well that is just around the corner. We get to the refuge and start talking about rolling the blunts. My hand was shaking nonstop for at least 30 minutes so T would be doing the rolling this day. Not because of anxiety. I was calm but the drugs had some side effects.
I sat down in the driver seat of the car and voices became extremely distorted. I heard the high treble and bass of those around me. As in, it seemed their voices were going through an equalizer that adjusted the pitch high and low. I close my eyes and am seeing a brilliant fractal scene. Not very colorful but the shapes were brilliant. Well the blunt is rolled and I’m smoking a cigarette at the time. I get passed the blunt and take a couple of puffs as we’re walking over rocks to a good chill spot. I’m having a hard time walking because it was so hard to discern any plane or geometric pattern of the rocks.
We arrive at a spot near the water. Just sitting on the rocks near the water. I was peaking at this time and blacked out for the first time in my life. I’m told I couldn’t drink any water, tried to eat an apple, pulled 2 cigarettes out of my pocket and couldn’t even put them in my mouth. My thoughts had gone mad at this point. The first thing to go was my sense of self. Before this time I thought ego death was impossible. That one could only transcend it in a way that broke away from the mainstream. So, really, just ego restructuring. First, I couldn’t tell if I was sitting, standing, laying down. ‘A’ tells me I asked numerous times if I was in the water or on top of the adjacent mountain. The idea being that I lost all physical sense of self. Next, wildest part, I began to think my entire life was an illusion. I thought I had been born at the wildlife reserve and was in eternity. I was looking around everywhere from the water, mountains, the trails around us. Everything was melting and swirling in a vortex. My grasp on reality was hanging on a string.
That thought kept circulating in my mind that nothing was real and we were all fictions of imagination. I kept asking B and A if they existed and if they were memories. I wasn’t sure if I knew anyone there. I was functioning on 3 different perceived realities in this time. One where I was just speaking in my head, one where I was actually speaking, and one where no one existed. I kept looking from the waters, to the mountains, to B and A as if my memory of them was erased with each look away. The oddest part of this time was where I felt my thinking was happening. When studying for a test, one can feel their head overworked- where the thinking and deciding is happening. Well I closed my eyes and I felt as if my thinking was happening everywhere. I kept wondering if I was in the water, or on the other side on a mountain or behind me or to the side or in front. And when I opened my eyes I saw that I existed where I was sitting.
I began to think about my past life. National champion debater, attending a university, a friend to those back home and at school. It all seemed to be made up in my head. I didn’t know what I thought about what was going on in the present. I kept asking if I existed, if A and B existed. They were the only string of attachment I had left to reality. If they didn’t exist then I would have lost my mind that day. After an hour and a half of laying down listening to music, forgetting I existed, and being szchitzo, I realized that losing ego is tied to past experiences. If one sees a rape or murder when they are young, it will affect the way they view the world. Or if someone is robbed, their ego will tell them ways to avoid being robbed in the future. When one forgets their entire life or think it’s an illusion that is ego death. If there’s no experience or memory to derive order from, then the ego can’t exist. It’s just like starting life as a child again. The baby doesn’t have many thoughts of its own other than what he/she has experienced. Thus, experience gives the ego substance.
After losing my mind for that hour and a half, we start to move again. I’m walking again with the group. While I was getting up from laying down my first thought is, “oh my God, the idea of myself is getting up”. Everything was coming back very slowly. I became more convinced that I existed and so did those around me. On the walk, my friends were telling me that they were worried for a while there and told me some of the things I said. Mostly having to do with whether I existed or not. I broke my ego down so far that the only thing I had left was whether or not I or my friends existed. “Animal collective is playing so I probably exist.” “Well yall exist because I know you A and B.” And then after looking away from them it was like my memory was erased again.
Well we found a location and I apologized to everyone for worrying them. I smoked another cigarette and we just sat. I was reflecting on the really heavy times. I felt like I lost a part of myself that I would never be able to regain. I was off the peak to have a bad trip or freak out. I was kind of a solemn time with myself. On the ride home I was down all the way. We took a bunch of pictures that day and it was the heaviest experience in my life. That trip stands out more in my mind than my incredible past with DMT. I try to figure out a lesson with each experience I have with psychedelics. This one doesn’t make any sense. I didn’t have enough ideas in my head to work with to make an idea. Like, friends are what count, or be content unconditionally, or about spirituality and the universe. That trip was all about myself and whether I existed. As I’m writing this, I feel like the lesson meant to learn is starting to develop. Like, before you can figure out the universe, it starts with yourself. I adventured into the void of consciousness in this trip. I know what it feels like to lose my mind. I felt like I had a grip on the right questions before this trip. Like the nature of God, where we came from, the nature of human beings. But what if the questions are illusory as well.
I don’t see myself doing psychedelics for a long time now. Terrence McKenna said, “Know when to lose your grip on reality and know when to hold on.” I feel a great deal that I need to hold on right now for everything I have. I felt the day after that I would never laugh again. A invited me to a cricket game and I laughed maniacally at some points that day. I’m focusing on meditation, exercise, and eating healthy. I’m a happy and loving person but have had some negative thoughts since this trip. I don’t think I’ll know the true meaning of this trip until I’m over these effects. The best part about it, which might also be a lesson is the need for community. I’ve told my friends about all of this and some have dedicated to help me through it. At this point I don’t regret that trip. I was as prepared as I could have been and it wasn’t bad. It just went to the furthest extent possible without reaching permanent insanity. Don’t let this story stop anyone from doing psyilocybin. It is an incredible substance that has true consciousness transforming powers. My suggestion is to take it with a purpose. Come into the trip with ideas about your life and how you can change. That is how tripping can serve you the best.