Mental Health Bipolar Disorder Mega Thread

[purple_cloud]

Wellbutrin is an evil medication IME. Lately though, this Lamictal (I already have the generic which is already expensive as hell and I'm going to lose my insurance because of graduating from my Master's program) doesn't seem to be doing the job (at 150mg and will go up to 200 in about a week), and ativan doesn't last long enough yet my psych refuses to give me clonazepam (no issues with alpraz and loraz apparently though?!) so now I'm taking .5mg risperidone at night...and I've sorta lost it in the last few days, haven't been posting. The borderline personality disorder stuff sorta took over, now that I feel normal I reminded myself that there are things I need to work on, and hoped this medication would help with, but I'm starting to think my depression and anxiety is caused by real things, not just having BPD.


And as pa said above, wellbutrin is NOT an anti-anxiety med, it's an anxiety-causing med in my opinion. Big time. Apparently lamictal is supposed to be boosting my sex drive, how long of being on it until that comes back? ugh.

 

[paranoid android]

Wellbutrin is an evil medication IME. Lately though, this Lamictal (I already have the generic which is already expensive as hell and I'm going to lose my insurance because of graduating from my Master's program) doesn't seem to be doing the job (at 150mg and will go up to 200 in about a week), and ativan doesn't last long enough yet my psych refuses to give me clonazepam (no issues with alpraz and loraz apparently though?!) so now I'm taking .5mg risperidone at night...and I've sorta lost it in the last few days, haven't been posting. The borderline personality disorder stuff sorta took over, now that I feel normal I reminded myself that there are things I need to work on, and hoped this medication would help with, but I'm starting to think my depression and anxiety is caused by real things, not just having BPD.


And as pa said above, wellbutrin is NOT an anti-anxiety med, it's an anxiety-causing med in my opinion. Big time. Apparently lamictal is supposed to be boosting my sex drive, how long of being on it until that comes back? ugh.

Sorry your having such a tough time of it cause that just fucking sucks. Goes to show just how different everyone reacts to meds when wellbutrin helps me but is a evil med for you. Risperidone can help a good bit for things like mania, mixed states as well as certain things like rage and self harm. 0.5mg is not much at all but it's best to work your way up slow. As for lamictal i have never heard of it actually boosting anyone's sex drive. It is good for me in the sense that it does not lower my sex drive but the only way it boosts my sex drive is indirectly by boosting my mood. Hope things work out for you soon

As for me i am in abit of a pit of depression today and i just hope that it does not last. Granted there are numerous things in life that are depressing me at the moment so it is only natural for me to feel somewhat down. I just hate feeling miserable, sluggish, fatigued and everything else that goes along with bipolar depression. Hopefully this won't last long.

Thankfully a few really awesome things have come into my life as of late so i atleast have hope

 

[purple_cloud]

^ thanks PA, glad to hear that some awesome things have entered your world

When I saw my counselor the other day, she told me that she thinks the psych nurse I see diagnosed me wrong, and I'm more likely bipolar 2 + borderline than major depressive + borderline...I feel like every time I go near any form of psychiatric care, they seem to make their diagnosis bleaker and bleaker.
I don't really want to work my way up on the risperidone dosage, since it can have some nasty side effects, and whenever I feel 'good' (today is quickly moving into manic/hypomanic though) I decide I don't need to take any medication and then everything crashes again.
Are there any of you in here that have bipolar disorder and/or borderline personality disorder and do NOT take any psychiatric medications daily? I'd like to be one of those people within the next year even though I'm being told by mental health professionals that I will have to be on medication forever, but I'm more or less out to prove them wrong at this point.

 

[Asclepius]

^ Exactly with you on bleak or uncertain Diagnosis.

I have never been formally disgnosed with Borderline (It isnt recognised here), but I fit the formula. :/ Moodswings, (History of)self-injury, black and white thinking, unstable relationships, Substance abuse and E.D. etc etc I received Therapy in my early twenties akin to DBT for two plus years. This helped enormously but cannot find a decent therapist at the moment and am severly paranoid about the Majority of one's that I have seen.

I was dignosed with Clinical Depression first when I was 11/13...I cant remember exactly. I was on and off ,various anti-Depressents until a few years ago. Feeling elated on some and others not working just wrecked my head- my Docter would perscribe me anything so I dont trust their judgement TBH. The last Anti-D's I was on were Lustral, started off on a very high dose; after the initial headaches/drowsy fuzzy feeling subsided, after a few weeks, I actually felt alot better on them. However, it was Summer and my mood usually is high in the summer months , I did stop taking them and didnt Taper(something I have a habit of doing and have to take responsibility for) I do get some intense moods swings during these months which are quite a relief due to the predominance of flat affect during the winter months ...however they too can be hard to cope wih but I have managed to cope but not healthily and I know this is taking its toll, despite my attempts.
I also have a bad habit of giving up on taking my medication. Am tired of feeling like a Guinea Pig. It also seems that the Criterea for Diagnosis, where I live, is constantly changing so again I dont wish to be part of a Trial Sample for the Medics.

I have been to rehab and in Psychiatric institutions. Neither of which I have any Faith in/Trust with regards to my own situation. Sometimes it appears that they didnt know what they were doing.
My behaviour has been erratic lately(it is an ongoing mood swing problem) but I still amn't sure whether it is down to nature/situations. I do however control my enviroment/situation with more stealth than is necessary and in some self-harming ways still, so I need to find a practitioner I can be honest about my behaviour/feelings with- so I dont slip too far through the cracks.

Yes, I dont take any medication, feel ambivalent about the whole meds situation. Also, I havn't found a practioner that I find reliable and/ that understands my situation lately. I am not ruling it out because I am hopefully going back to College in Sept and am trepidatious about what proper steps to take TBH; with regard to seeking genuine, workable support.

 

[Cloudburst]

I was always wary of practicioners until I was basically forced to go to a single one, I found out over time he was very reliable, it sucked for a while but now we've gotten to the point where he knows precisely what's wrong with me within 15 minutes (and there's always something wrong with you with those mentioned psychiatric disorders regardless of medication, which is a constant work in progress). It is really a matter of taking the time (which can be many months if you visit the standard once or twice a month routine) to get to know each other, separate quirks from abnormal effects, learning how reliable information told to said psychiatrist is by learning personality and observing any consistent behaviors/mannerisms you have, etc. However, most psychiatrists DO SUCK big-time. So I'm not invalidating you. Oh, I always gave up on meds, and still occasionally decide to stop until I start going psychotic. At that point I just have to end it and go back on. What separates us from guinea pigs is that these are drugs that have been studied extensively enough to be allowed on the market and good psychiatrists (again you gotta look hard for them) are well-trained and knowledgeable about any potential interactions. They know not to throw random drugs at you at random doses, there is a lot they take into consideration - that's why they went to medical school.

Question: I basically almost got institutionalized/arrested (against my choice) the other day but I paid a 300 dollar bribe. My mother insisted on the hospital even though I preferred the option of jail, because she stated it'd be impossible/very hard to get a job/apartment/etc. with a criminal record. However, does the same discrimination not also apply for medical records of being a severe bipolar I drug addict with 6 involuntary commitments anyway?

 

[freedomchild]

Whoever said this thread could take on a life of it's own -- what if we got on each other's cycles, and it was stop for 3 months, start, rapid-fire posting for 2 weeks, then down again!!!??

 

[panic in paradise]

lol

oh my

what if what if what if

 

[mgmt&mdma]

haha

i cant fucking do this,
ive already lost all of my friends, i went from having it all to having no life,
now im getting random crying sessions at least once every few days,
and i just turned 17,

im fucking done.

 

[purple_cloud]

haha

i cant fucking do this,
ive already lost all of my friends, i went from having it all to having no life,
now im getting random crying sessions at least once every few days,
and i just turned 17,

im fucking done.

You're so young...there's a chance it'll get better. And I don't have a life, I don't really have in real life friends, and tend to cry a lot...and I'm almost 24. At 17 hormones are flying everywhere and everything sucks...but even if things suck in the future, it does seem a bit better once the hormones settle in place. Please use TDS to your advantage and don't do anything to harm yourself...a lot of us struggle and fall sometimes but we usually can get back up.

 

[mgmt&mdma]

but thats the thing is that i really dont think things will ever get better. idk if youre right and its the hormones but i feel like im insane. i just wanna be able to live a normal life and have bestfriends and sleepovers n all that good stuff

 

[purple_cloud]

but thats the thing is that i really dont think things will ever get better. idk if youre right and its the hormones but i feel like im insane. i just wanna be able to live a normal life and have bestfriends and sleepovers n all that good stuff

I also would love to live a "normal" life and have friends but I'm just hoping things will improve. It's all you can do. And I think hormones are playing a large part in your situation, but that doesn't make your feelings any less valid.

"Normal" is boring, our lives might not be awesome but interesting at least. It sucks to feel/actually be friendless at 17, I know the feeling, you aren't alone

 

[mgmt&mdma]

thanks idunner,
i just see all of my old friends having so much fun and having amazing lives. it fucking sucks.
and i dont see how things can improve. as sad as it sounds, i honestly just dont.

 

[purple_cloud]

thanks idunner,
i just see all of my old friends having so much fun and having amazing lives. it fucking sucks.
and i dont see how things can improve. as sad as it sounds, i honestly just dont.

It's really depressing when your "friends" hang out without you. And their lives might not all be amazing, they may just not be sharing the dark parts. Sometimes it seems like you're unlucky and you just don't fit into the world the right way, which I believe about myself. But the reason I'm still here and haven't taken my life or given up is because I finally have some hope that it'll get better. Plus, once you're an adult, you pretty much choose who you want to be friends with, its not dictated by whom your classmates are. And even if you don't see how it can improve, just hang in there. Are you currently receiving any psychiatric treatment or counseling for how you feel?

 

[panic in paradise]

mgmt&mdma:

you are honestly very perceptive for 17.

just as yourself for "the time being".
it sounds like you have a great respect for life, as you want more of it - some people jump out running and grab the monies, sex, cars, and food, the ability to use drugs with out becoming dependent.


but there is no challenge there,,, if there is a great challenge, and you do win to your needs and some wants -- its all the more rewarding; and not always what you may of wanted. stay open and harbor fluidity, adaptability and acceptance are your gifts, your keys; for yourself and others.

take this challenge by the horns, it will let you win if you do so in the proper steps.
asking for help is good, for then you might be able to then give back to the source.




something

 

[mgmt&mdma]

It's really depressing when your "friends" hang out without you. And their lives might not all be amazing, they may just not be sharing the dark parts. Sometimes it seems like you're unlucky and you just don't fit into the world the right way, which I believe about myself. But the reason I'm still here and haven't taken my life or given up is because I finally have some hope that it'll get better. Plus, once you're an adult, you pretty much choose who you want to be friends with, its not dictated by whom your classmates are. And even if you don't see how it can improve, just hang in there. Are you currently receiving any psychiatric treatment or counseling for how you feel?

i guess. and their not my friends anymore, they always end up ditching me when i tell them about my dark side (which also involves telling them that im bi) most of em dont have anything bad going on in their lifes, i know this for a fact. and im just going to therapy once a week, im seeing a psychiatrist may 11th though. hopefully my parents are willing to pay for medication

thanks for the advice panic in paridise
it means alot

 

[purple_cloud]

i guess. and their not my friends anymore, they always end up ditching me when i tell them about my dark side (which also involves telling them that im bi) most of em dont have anything bad going on in their lifes, i know this for a fact. and im just going to therapy once a week, im seeing a psychiatrist may 11th though. hopefully my parents are willing to pay for medication

I'm very selective with whom I share my most personal business with, and at your age I definitely wasn't like that. I found that limiting it to only few people who accepted it makes it more likely than they'll stick around. Plus, at 17 not many kids who live a "normal" life for the most part understand exactly how you feel and may just not know how to deal with it --- when my mom died when I was 20 and some people didn't talk to me for months, their excuse was "well I just didn't know what to say to you" which hurt me more, just say something at least. I think some of this stuff comes with age, friends come and go though, and you still have college ahead of you.


It's good you're in therapy, and the psych doctor hopefully won't be too heavy on the medication at your age. You are on your parents insurance I'm guessing so the meds will most likely be cheap...I'm going to have to stop taking mine because my prescription coverage pretty much ran out and my dad doesn't mind me taking benzos, or if I rehurt my back he'd pay for any opiates (or muscle relaxers but from my last back episode I literally have more than I'll ever need and with no recreational value they tend to stick around for a looooong time) but doesn't want to pay for Lamictal, and sure as hell would not pay for an antipsychotic. But would pay for a benzo, go figure (maybe because he does for himself). That's why I've posted asking if anyone else doesn't take any meds...firstly I just would rather not, but more importantly at this point I won't be able to afford to. A psych dr will at least give you a "label" for an illness, and I know that helped me a lot and I've heard that from others as well...you can start doing your own research and even on forums like this one, meet people just like you who do understand. I'm not sure what can/can't be shared with your parents since you're a minor though, don't know how HIPAA laws work then.

You certainly aren't alone in thinking that life is currently an uphill battle.

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

Hey mgmt&mdma Im in a very similar situation to you but im 20.
I used to have so many friends it was ridiculous, But when my illness began to emerge around age 18 I just went completely nuts.

I lost a lot of friends, and i feel like i cant make new ones, i dont know how to. Ive been more alone than ever, for months and months and months.
but the thing is i never really let anyone in all the way. no body knows me. Ive never been close with my parents, and the only person that knows whats going on in my head is me.

I feel like im completely going insane, and my derealization is so strong in depression I feel so disconnected from everything. I cant think, i cant focus, cant problem solve. I know how that hopelessness feels, and it sucks.

For the past two weeks, i have felt my depression subside a little bit. Although today i did have an episode where i completely broke down and cried, but i feel like this depression that has lasted several months is beginning to subside. at least im not depressed 24/7 now.

What is really making me mad is the new psychiatrist i made an appointment with, since i kicked my meds and left my last one a while ago, doesnt have an oppening till the third week of may. Im going a long time without meds and its really hard, plus i dont know if this psych is going to be understanding. I hope i can hold out these three weeks, ive been having a lot of suicidal thoughts, and ive even grabbed a knife and cut my arm which ive never done in my life. I hope these 3 weeks go by fast till i can see someone

 

[purple_cloud]

What is really making me mad is the new psychiatrist i made an appointment with, since i kicked my meds and left my last one a while ago, doesnt have an oppening till the third week of may. Im going a long time without meds and its really hard, plus i dont know if this psych is going to be understanding. I hope i can hold out these three weeks, ive been having a lot of suicidal thoughts, and ive even grabbed a knife and cut my arm which ive never done in my life. I hope these 3 weeks go by fast till i can see someone

I was absolutely enraged that it took so long for me to get psychiatric care, the waiting times are awful. Just hang in there...the counselors always seem disgusted by the amount of time it takes to see a new psychiatric doctor, which really just stares at you, and writes out prescriptions. But hang in there, it sucks but the 3 weeks will go by quickly.

 

[Miskatonic]

Don't forget your general/family practitioner while you're waiting for a psych. to see you. Most psychopharms in USA are prescribed by GPs these days. At the very least, they can get you through till an appointment with a psych. If they won't, shop around.

If you're picking up knives, you need to see someone today, not 3 weeks from now.

 

[Asclepius]

thanks idunner,
i just see all of my old friends having so much fun and having amazing lives. it fucking sucks.
and i dont see how things can improve. as sad as it sounds, i honestly just dont.

Like Purple Cloud/PIP said, your probably more perceptive than them, as in seeing alot more and sensing alot more and though it sucks big time ATM, their time of uninhibited fun will wane and they will be clueless as to how things got so bad and why(not that that is something to gloat at but no-one is immune from the harsh realities of lifes up's and downs). You will be the one laden with info about what happened-you will be wise-I know it sounds ridiculous but folly is temporary and the crash is hard and somehow life shares this equilibrium with all of us, in it's own time and with it's own measures.

Believe me their lives arent as 'wonderful' as it seems it's just that they dont see things the way you do now, they are all pumped up with excitement and delusion and you are living the shadow of it-now- but your time ; you will be wiser/are wise, start believing in your own truth hun, know it's hard when the playing field seems so horribly rigged but hang in, challenge yourself. Seems like your constantly comparing yourself to them(which is normal in moderation) but you need to start being there for you You have to start making a commitment to being your own best friend, being compassionate and understanding of and with yourself, after all who knows you better than you?!(albeit you prob are completely confused by yourself/feelings etc but that gives you even more incentive to start being accepting of yourself).

Dont turn it into a 'them' versus 'you' situation, challenge that, sure you want to fit in but playing the part and being true to yourself are two things that need to be dealt with. Be perceptive but allow yourself to accept yourself for who you are, there is nothing wrong with you at all, you got to fight for yourself and not make yourself into the enemy(its a losing battle) I've done it, your words sound so familiar and they are not without merit. Just think of yourself and please, if you find yourself 'losing' dont be the judge and executioner of your own fate, wing it til you get there(a moment at a time), its a pact between yourself. Love yourself