I have a feeling some of you may relate to my current state of mind, so some advice would be very much appreciated.
I am not depressed per se. I have more good days than not, especially when I'm at college.
I just recently started using drugs (cannabis, LSD on occasion, kava, piracetam, more in the future). Drugs have opened up an entirely new, truer sense of self than I've ever had. I think very deeply about the universe, my life, humanity, etc., and I like that.
Although I am socially apt and very much capable of succeeding in American capitalist society, I simply don't want that lifestyle. Why am I supposed to do one thing with the rest of my life? Why am I supposed to marry someone and start a family? Every time I ask myself: what is happiness to me? the answer never resembles typical American life.
My experiences with drugs have me constantly wondering these two things:
1. What am I 'supposed' to do with my life?
2. What is happiness to me?
Given that I am not at all religious, and that I don't believe my life or anyone's life has any ultimate significance, the logical conclusion is that I'm not meant to do with anything with my life, but of course that is unsatisfactory.
The burden to find happiness or purpose in life is solely on MY shoulders, and I'm alone in this vast universe when it comes to finding what fulfills me on the deepest level. I am not really referring to a career. I am referring to a lifestyle, or state of mind, or a person, or anything that brings that fulfillment
This is very disheartening for me. Despite the many people I could interact with day to day, and despite having a broad spectrum of talents I could apply to the real world, I'm left here, at the young age of 18, without a compass, wondering what in the hell I am 'supposed' to do to feel that sense of purpose and fulfillment that I envy so much in strongly religious people. I have a ton of time to do more soul searching, of course, but I'd like to die at whatever age with a sense of peace and completeness about my existence.
I'm interested in what others here have done to find their sense of purpose or fulfillment in life. What led you to such answers? Have you found your answers? What is happiness to you?
Any other advice would be much appreciated.