Sounds like it might be something to do with the after effects of drugs... like you said, you suspect serotonin is involved.
How long has it been since you've had a sustained period of sobriety?
Do you feel like drugs are interfering with your social potential?
(Sorry if this is off-topic, or too personal, whatever.)
well, to be certain, the first twenty months of my lock up were stone cold sober. bare brained. wasn't pretty. i survived by sticking to my diet - not eating the fatty crap or any meat, extra veggies, fruit and skim milk. given that, i'm at non-addicted bliss state base. meaning my basic mood is positive energy, unity, oneness, etc. and prison is good for the low latent inhibition bit - reduced stimuli, and its survival when you need it. but the bliss state needs for company, which, oddly i found. i joined the various prayer circles, making no false pretenses. the charismatic who led them, a 23 yo south georgia boy with an an accent like warm butter and a body...nevermind, i only looked. enjoyed the debates we had - i gave him a taste of jesuit, and he liked it. pascal's wager, too. that kid was high on God - he could just channel it, he'd bounce up and down on his toes when he was testifying. for me, it was pure male beauty - that 23yo boy in stripes, with a face like a country star, just glowing with power. he was one of the very few people who knew i was gay, and even though he was a hard core fundamentalist, i trusted him with my life. that's how shit is.
when i got down the road, to real prison, CCC took care of me. just like when i was in the transfer facility, a guy i'd helped out in county saw me and the next day i got a package of edibles and a pen. like instant karma. i loved that guy - he was a dealer, but he didn't use at all. he was addicted to the game. also one i'd trust with my life, in county we tried to help out the transgender guy (they take away your hormones and you crash, metabolically). he knew the guy, through his daughter, awful - they cut off his HIV meds and he was just begging to be allowed to die (though not irrepably sick with good care). i taled to him like a human being, got hazed for it for a week, but what the fuck you gonna do?
oh, CCC - once in real prison, my codiabetic, catfish (diabetics get to go to the nurse once a day and can scam extra meals) out of the blue asked if i knew anyone who'd buy a bottle of cough syrup. after that, i traded a pack of tuna for a bottle every week. MUCH BETTER. i joined the DnD group, which became my clique. i worked by GD mojo, too - shit falling into place, just at the right time, etc and i payed back. my bunkmate ran store (meaning buying and reselling food items) but rather than a personal profit, he used the system to generate extra food for guys who had nothing on the outside. like out dungeon master - we feed him. i'm sneak dinner after my insulin, then go with the pod later to the cafe and give away my plate. we got that shit hummin - reciprocal altruism, as needed god dammit.
and with dxm in my system, i can testify, like my fundy buddy did - i can speak righteously and lay down the truth. nation of islam specializes in this, but its not religion specific. i can lay down the shit on the evils of race, etc. what did they call me? alien. that was my name.where's the alien, we need to start the game! wtfever.
see, having that one bottle of dxm made the difference between surviving and living. it's the low latent inhibition, i think - i naturally don't have filters. dxm is a mild anaesthetic - like veil. of course, all the new research in antidepressants is based on the fact that ketamine can with one shot alleviate the worst, most intractable depression, and keep it gone for a week. so they try to make a ketamine that cures depression but doesn't give visions - dumbasses, it's the same thing. yes, i can get you the pubmed citations, by the hundreds. but you don't give a shit. you've already decided i'm an addict/abuser. it's a given to you that it's impossible to successly self-medicate, in fact, self-medicating is a symptom of mental illness. because you want them to be victims. victims of drug abuse or depression, helpless, who must appeal to the god on high, big pharma, for relief. well, i'm not a fucking victim. i don't need your help, and i find the offers offensive. doctor, heal thyself. i control my own neurochemistry - often by doing nothing but following a strict diet. so, yeah, that.
