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    Why does he say he loves me but doesnt want sex? 
    #1
    Bluelighter trll's Avatar
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    Why doesnt the BF want sex as much as he used to. It makes me sad. Too much weed? We coundnt get enough 6 months ago. He cant stop saying he loves me, but avoids sex I feel hurt, + he wont discuss it.
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    #2
    Your post lacks detail and any answer would be biased speculation. Its normal for people in a relationship to have less sex then they used to. People fall into a routine and lose interest in their partner slowly if there isn't as much passion.

    What bugs me though is why he wont discuss it. Communication is essential to overcoming problems in a relationship. Could it be that he's hiding something from you?
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    #3
    Old pussy vs. new pussy
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    #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by beamers View Post
    Old pussy vs. new pussy
    That's harsh, dude, even if it might be true.

    There are lots of potential reasons - he's depressed, too much weed, stress, he might not fancy you as much, he might have a crush on someone else, he might find it hard to sustain intimacy, he might have a naturally low libido and constantly wanted it only at the honeymoon phase... we can't help you think about what might be causing it without more details, and you won't get anywhere as a couple if he won't talk about it.

    I feel for you sis, I used to be with someone who didn't want to make love to me and it messed me up badly, even 6 months after breaking up I'm still having trouble believing anyone could find me attractive in the long term and won't get bored with me. So all I will say is don't let it fester and drag on to the point where it starts to damage your self esteem. If you feel this is starting to happen, get out!

    Hugs, lola
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    #5
    It's not completely unusual... Since the post is in such an environment, he could be getting a degree of fulfillment from artificial sources. Don't know how likely that is. It could be a self-adequacy issue on his part. You'd probably have some idea if that were the case. (I should clarify that I don't mean from experience, though that is also possible, but from his general behavior). It could be medication, SSRIs are fairly well known for such.

    I'm just trying to say that there are a lot of possibilities... but the bad stuff still applies as well. Just don't let it get to you too much. If it's something bad, then maybe bringing the issue forward will allow for the truth to come out. It's not a good end to the situation, but probably better than anything else.
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    #6
    Bluelighter trll's Avatar
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    We both in our 40s.
    I am older by a couple of years divorced with kids, He divorced no kids.We love each other and support each other we had our share of tough times and we seem to get through. we dont live together but close by and see each other a couple of times a week.
    we both attractive and sexy affectionate and intimate right up to intercourse. I have noticed he seems to change to subject when sex comes up, or flicks over the chanel/goes to make tea when sex scenes on tv/film. He smokes a lot of weed and gets the occasional bout of cycitis. He cant always finish sex or doesnt start.
    I love him to bits and want my gorgeous lover back. He asked me early on in the relationship for monogamy and ny heart. I gave it to him.
    Something isnt right or we just become too cosy and like mated. I miss it and I know I will go else where if this carries on.
    He is the love of my life and its slipping away
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by trll View Post
    Why doesnt the BF want sex as much as he used to. It makes me sad. Too much weed? We coundnt get enough 6 months ago. He cant stop saying he loves me, but avoids sex I feel hurt, + he wont discuss it.
    See this

    http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=539025
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    #8
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    Opiates, depression, benzos, SSRIs, bipolar disorder. Alot of reasons. You have to get him to tell you. You'll never guess.
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    #9
    Bluelighter hyroller's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scheduled View Post
    Opiates, depression, benzos, SSRIs, bipolar disorder. Alot of reasons. You have to get him to tell you. You'll never guess.
    Word.

    I stopped sleeping with my ex because I lacked the communication skills at the time to end the relationship. But the truth was my attraction towards him had waned considerably. I don't want to set alarm bells ringing - and chances are your partner's situation is completely different - but since I did still love him & couldn't bring myself to end it (for other selfish reasons), I'm putting the possibility out there.

    good luck
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    #10
    Bluelighter AfterGlow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hyroller View Post
    Word.
    I stopped sleeping with my ex because I lacked the communication skills at the time to end the relationship. But the truth was my attraction towards him had waned considerably. I don't want to set alarm bells ringing - and chances are your partner's situation is completely different - but since I did still love him & couldn't bring myself to end it (for other selfish reasons), I'm putting the possibility out there.
    So are you single?
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    #11
    Bluelighter hyroller's Avatar
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    yes, FYI - 2.5 years & counting

    things ended with the ex well over 3.5 years ago. took him 6 months of no sex to initiate the break-up. he did well.
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    #12
    communication is the key. ask him about it. like other posters have mentioned, you'll never be able to guess.
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    #13
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    Sex is a tricky thing.. From my experience I can tell that after 6 months of awesome sex with my g/f I started to loose the initial attraction and sex drive mainly due to the fact that a lot things became a routine and a chemical love reaction of crazy loveliness usually ends around that time. However, we still have sex, maybe not as much. Couple of times we had to be separated geographically and once we would get back we would have back the same crazy desire for each other for some time until things would get evened out again.
    However, as I said, we still have sex. Just not as often as we used to (3 times a day versus once every couple of days or so). I don't think that it's a problem. We started to experiment a lot with toys and fetishes and it spiced things up a little. Maybe you should try the same?
    As other people mentioned above - communication is a great thing. If you could talk to him calmly under right circumstances to see what's going with his life - I am sure you will figure things out.
    Good luck and the best for you in love!
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    #14
    usually when people are having sex regularly, and then stop abruptly... one of the partners has a herpes outbreak... that he/she tries to hide

    that would be my bet...
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    #15
    Quote Originally Posted by CheGuevara View Post
    usually when people are having sex regularly, and then stop abruptly... one of the partners has a herpes outbreak... that he/she tries to hide

    that would be my bet...
    hmmm... Che may be on to something... perhaps cause for future paranoia...

    Hopefully doesn't apply to the exact issue at hand here, though.
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    #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by hyroller View Post
    yes, FYI - 2.5 years & counting

    things ended with the ex well over 3.5 years ago. took him 6 months of no sex to initiate the break-up. he did well.
    You went for 6 months with no sex? I didn't think you had it in ya o.O

    You're a cheeky muffin. Ya know just how to push a man's buttons.
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    #17
    Bluelighter AfterGlow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hyroller View Post
    yes, FYI - 2.5 years & counting

    things ended with the ex well over 3.5 years ago. took him 6 months of no sex to initiate the break-up. he did well.
    Ready for a new relationship? Describe your ideal guy!
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    #18
    Bluelighter MemphisX3's Avatar
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    could be getting it from somewhere else.....nbd js
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    #19
    I think its important to sit down and talk with him about why you two aren't having sex anymore. A lot of good points have been raised so far. While sex isn't the be all and end all of relationships its a good barometer to gauge the health of the relationships. I have numerous friends both male and female who have stopped sleeping with their partners for extended periods of time. For them, nearly 100% of the time it was because they had lost the sexual attraction but they didn't want to lose their partner. Often they were too scared to pull the trigger on the relationship, they had become comfortable with their partner and didn't want to lose them from their lives.

    But the fact that he says he still loves you is interesting. How are the rest of his actions towards you? Does he still do anything sexual with you since he isn't down for penetration? What were to happen if you went down on him? Would he stop you?

    I think its important that he feels comfortable enough with you to discuss these things. Like others have said, maybe its an STD outbreak, or maybe its nothing. But unless you two can discuss it openly and honestly you'll be playing the guessing game for ever. Good luck.
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    #20
    Bluelighter trll's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by theredone View Post
    Thanks so much, that explains everything. Am glad i not a youngster cos thats harsh.
    lucky i know that i still got it going on.........
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    #21
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    ^ I really wouldn't pay that thread too much attention, sounds like your situation is (thankfully) very different...
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    #22
    Bluelighter trll's Avatar
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    yes it is, thankfully.
    so we (he) talked friday after getting pissed.
    Yes a possible onset of herpes which prevented full sex this weekend, so as not to agrivate it into a full on attack.
    a couple of hrs of sex without penetration, lots of snuggling up and lots of fooling around and masses of i love you so much.which is a good start to getting things back on track. thats the good stuff
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    #23
    Bluelighter hyroller's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AfterGlow View Post
    Ready for a new relationship? Describe your ideal guy!
    this thread's not about me

    but yeah, Ibis, I valued the compansionship so much I was happy to go without....

    glad the OP has addressed the problem
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    #24
    Bluelight Crew User Name Here's Avatar
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    I would think the main reason for this happening in any relationship is boredom. You didn't give us enough specifics but upon reading over your other posts you mentioned something about herpes??? I'm confused. Even if it's herpes, outbreaks don't last for six months and it's not like he can't have sex with you anymore if he has something as he can use a condom and meds (like Valtrex) to reduce the risk of outbreaks.

    Anyway, I had a similar experience... When I had been with a guy for two years, we hit a lull and it freaked me out because we used to have sex about twice a day--at least once every day usually--and all of a sudden we weren't having sex anymore but he was still saying he loved me all the time and whatnot. I believed him and just thought he was depressed or tired when in reality he had begun developing feelings for another woman and continued telling me he loved me and that things would get better until the very day he broke it off and moved on to her. I'm not saying this has to be the case in your situation but it's something to think about. I NEVER saw it coming and I thought he would NEVER do that to me... I thought he would at least be honest with me about why things were going south but nope, he just kept on with "I love you" and "everything's fine, it's just me."

    If it's just plain old boredom, I would look into spicing things up a bit. There's a million things you could try, so many that I won't even list them. Perhaps you could dress up for him, invest in some toys, role play, bring a third party into the bedroom, etc.

    Basically I see this being a result of boredom, infidelity, or herpes since you've mentioned that now (how odd...).
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    #25
    . Even if it's herpes, outbreaks don't last for six months and it's not like he can't have sex with you anymore if he has something as he can use a condom and meds (like Valtrex) to reduce the risk of outbreaks.
    The virus sheds even when asymptomatic and the condom does not provide complete protection even when used 100% as per the guidelines in the pack (and who does?). If she continues on, she should probably accept and prepare for that she will end up with it, if the relationship continues for any considerable length of time.
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