I'm not sure this thread is still active, but maybe that's ok. I've got so much pent up inside and just need to spill it somewhere. Here is as good as any...active or not.
Prince is an asshole.
I know, it's not kind, nor is it PC to be upset with addicts. I, myself, have always been chubby. I love to eat. But not even I can stretch this to a point where I can 'relate' with drug addicts. Prince was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now, I'm really, really bitter.
17 years ago, I went to walk outside with my 2 yo son. I stopped in the doorway, feeling incredibly sick. I was so weak. It hit me suddenly; completely out of the blue. Then came the aches and pains, and the feeling of some kind of gnawing of the bones in my legs. Then the pain. Holy God...the pain. They said it was fibromyalgia and put me on tramadol and Elavil. For over ten years, the pain continued to grow. So did the exhaustion. I went to so many clinics. Was dismissed as a drug seeker by many. I was taking up to 20 tramadol a day and out of my mind with pain. Pain in my back (I had fractured a vertebrae at 19 and quickly develops arthritis, spinal stenosis, had 3 back surgeries) pain in my legs and arms. I couldn't wear tight clothes. And the fatigue would see me go to bed on a Friday night and literally not get out until work on Monday.
I struggled for 12 years, trying to get someone to listen. Twelve years. That's what it took to finally get the correct diagnosis of Dercum's Syndrome, along with the worsening of my back. Two weeks ago, they found another bulging disc in my neck. And so the wheels continue to turn.
I am currently on tramadol, fentenyl patch, oxychodone, and ibuprofen for pain. An extended release adderall and 2 additional addrall for the fatigue. Not to mention blood pressure meds. Two years ago, at 46, my conditions cost me my career. I have worked since I was 13 and never less than 2 jobs until my 40s. You would think that the pain would be the worst part of my life. But it's not. It's the treatment, and fallout from addicts and the high profile (no pun intended) drug deaths like Princes, that have made my life hell.
I have signed every every drug contract, passed every drug test, picked my meds up at the right time and have never lost them or had them stolen. I take them as I'm supposed to and, before ever moving up to a stronger dose, I max out the current drug until the efficacy is exhausted. For example, I stretched hydrochodone to 6 years before oxychodone.,.i have to do this because neither Dercum's nor back problems are kind enough to kill you. Dercums simply causes moderate to severe pain from lipomas forming under your skin and grinding on the nerves in your legs and arms (imagine dreading a shower because the fucking WATER hurts) and the back pain is simply an additional misery thrown in to ensure that, on the days the Dercums pain is more managed than average, the back pain can kick in and prevent me from having more than one or two days a month where I can honestly say my pain level is a 3, instead of the normal 5 or 6.
For the record...our technological advancements in the past 50 years are almost unfathomable, but we're still relying on paper with faces ranging from happy to sad to treat pain. How goddamed ridiculous is that??
i didn't share this for sympathy. I wanted to show you a bit of my world in hopes you won't judge me too harshly when I say that I would really like to take the people who are adding yet another hellish layer to my life (and others who suffer from shit they don't deserve) because of goddamed addicts and the Princes of the world. Addicts have no idea what we...the VICTIMS...have to go through to get the meds that never take the pain away...they merely damp them down so I can make it to an occasional baseball game or awards ceremony or birthday party for one of my three boys. None of whom, mind you, has ever known a mother that wasn't sick. But even now, the proverbial noose keeps tightening around our necks as more and more doctors stop prescribing pain meds and the FDA intensifies their witch hunts. So, not only do addicts fuck up their own lives, they're fucking up the lives...or the bits that may resemble a life....of people like me. People who suffer due to no fault of their own. I have never gotten 'high' off my meds. Maybe I'm not predisposed to become mentally addicted to pain meds (although I am physiologically addicted...no one who takes meds for chronic pain can avoid that...I remember going cold turkey off of tramadol 10 years ago...almost ended up with me seriously considering suicide) I realize there are people who ARE predisposed to become addicted easily. I'm no different...25 years ago, I tried cocaine and loved it. Loved it more than I could put into words. So, I never did it again because I knew I'd be lost. So that's another reason I despise addicts. You can stop. You have a choice. I don't. Now you might see where you piss me off.
Again...I realize I'm just a mean person who has no empathy for people who just like getting high and don't want to stop. You're right. I AM feeling quite angry, resentful and unsympathetic. Because it is these people who are so fucking self-absorbed with getting their high that they couldn't care less about people who suffer from illness such as cancer, leukemia, Dercums, and many other illnesses where the only treatment available is managing the pain (and notice I say 'manage'. If you're in chronic pain, the goal is to manage...never get rid of pain. Do that and you'll be snuggled up beside Price before too long) That's ALL we have. And we-along with our families-get precious little quality time together. I have missed so much of my kids lives, not to mention my own,,,adding further, unnecessary complications to getting my meds is just fucked up evil and I despise you for it.
I'm glad there is a place where I can vent. I realize I am not going to win any popularity contests, but addicts need to get their heads out of their asses and understand that your boredom and dissatisfaction with life (that you could change, but don't want to because it's too hard) or those who weren't hugged enough by mommy and daddy, isn't an excuse to sit on your ass and get high. You do it because you're lazy. And you think YOUR pain is the only pain that matters. You are selfish and self-absorbed. And while you may be thinking the same about me, you need to remember that I am the one who is doing the right thing and holding up my end of the bargain. My way allows me to get treatment, while setting a positive example with doctors so that they will be available and willing to help for others who suffer. Last but not least, I have chronic, severe pain. Your way closes off avenues for others and causes so many go suffer because you want to subvert the system and get fucked up. So, if I'm self-absorbed, it doesn't affect anything. Yours affects everything. So stop being assholes and simply stop. Take up vaping, pot, exercise, religion or what ever it takes to stop all of this insanity. Whatever it takes for you to stop causing innocent people, who are victimized by diseases and illness, considerably more hell than they're already dealing with.
And if if you don't, just know that Prince....and YOU...will always be complete assholes. Neither of you deserve the lives-lives not spent struggling with physical pain and the anguish from missing out on the lives of our children and families-you were given.
