Great news! This therapy really does work wonders!
I am so happy to hear that this therapy will be given a chance. I truly believe that it can save lives. I know because it saved mine.
I am a 34 year old biochemist from Los Angeles. I also have had a very severe bout of PTSD. Growing up, I couldn't remember much prior to 10 years old. During my first year in college, I went home for the memorial day weekend. During that visit, my father (though I NEVER call him that anymore) tried to assault me. As I protested, he told me about all of the other times when I was a little girl. It was like a key opening the floodgates. All manner of horror snapped into focus in my mind all at once. From that point on, PTSD became a huge part of my life.
I spent years in therapy and tried all manner of antidepressant and mood stabilizer. I went through periods of feeling utterly hopeless and suicidal, but I got through it. When I was 33, a doctor put me on a medication called Lyrica for a physical illness and I had a VERY bad reaction to it. It made me see scary things and it kick started a vicious bout of suicidal depression. I tried therapy and different meds but this time, nothing helped. I researched suicide methods and I had a plan in place.
It was at this point that I remembered a paper that I had read when I was studying the chemistry of the brain. Since I was literally preparing for my final exit, I decided that it couldn't hurt to try one last thing.
I found a reliable source, and while in a safe environment with a trusted family member by my side, I took one tablet of MDMA.
I won't lie. It felt fantastic at the time, but the real surprise came when I awoke the following morning. The black cloud was GONE. The heavy depression and suicidal feelings evaporated. At first I wondered if it was just an afterglow from the drug (as I have seen some people suggest), but that wasn't it. I took that tablet a good 5 months ago and I am still free of that horrible black abyss that damn near consumed me.
My major caveat is that I only had to do it ONE TIME. I have not had a shred of desire to take another one. If for no other reason than that I respect the power of a substance that could perform such an amazing turn around in my life. Frankly, I shudder to think what MDMA could do to a healthy brain.
I sincerely hope that I never need to even consider having to try it again.
MDMA saved my life with ONE DOSE. I hope and pray that people can set aside their fear of "drugs" to do more research and find out how MDMA works and how to use it to help people who are suffering so terribly.
I can't begin to tell you what a difference was made in my mind. I wasn't looking for attention, I had a concrete plan to end my life and was days away from doing so. I had given every treatment and therapy short of ECT to break through and save my life. When all else failed, yes, I took it into my own hands. I am a biochemist and I researched this option thoroghly before I tried it, but I can honestly attest to the fact that MDMA saved my life and gave me back control over my own mind. Today the thought of suicide is the furthest thing from my mind.
Today, despite everything that I have lived through, and the horrible memories, nightmares, and triggers, I am alive. The nightmares are gone, and I can maintain control even when faced with some of my worst triggers. Lest you think that perhaps my life just got easier to manage, 2 months ago, I faced the biggest crisis in my entire life since dealing with what that monster did to me. I cannot stress enough that in the past, a crisis like that would have broken me down and fast. Despite the strain, the black cloud did not descend upon me. I had been thrown into deep bouts of depression over FAR less.
I don't know how long this will last, but today I realize that every day is a gift. Every day, is a day that I would not have seen.
I sincerely hope that the researchers are able to figure out how to help other people out there who are suffering. It breaks my heart to know that there are people out there dying because they don't have access to the miracle that I have been priviledged enough to experience. The monster who hurt me stole so much from me. MDMA helped me take back so much.
While I agree that black market MDMA can be dangerous, and that it can be habit forming in people who are just looking for a buzz, these are two excellent arguments for creating a safe, legal, and controlled way to allow sufferers appropriate access.
Thank you for letting me share. My only regret has been that I wish I didn't have to keep such a miracle secret. I feel like I am surrounded by people who are dying and even though the cure is in my pocket, I am forced to watch them drop like flies.
If there is anyone out there who knows who I could talk to or even write to, in an attempt to allow my experience to help other people who are suffering, please contact me at
[email protected].
Thank you!
