I don't know why but yesterday when I woke up, I was craving alcohol. This is probably because I hadn't drunk since Sunday. So any how, me not being employed and all atm and still depressed decided to make a field day of the situation. So I bought some bourbon and cokes in the morning and went to a nice lake in my area and began the process whilst listening to some tunes and playing my psp. When the psp carked it I began writing and then went to get some more booze.....
Once that was gone, I decided that I wanted to go and gamble and so I went to a club I hadn't been to in months. Prior to me gambling last night, I hadn't gambled in months as it was a long term problem of mine. Any how I saw some old self destructive friends from the past. They hadn't changed and are now part of the furniture at that club which was the case years ago, still gambling, still drinking daily, still in denial about being depressed, it is sad to say the least
Having come to accept my depression last year I passed them on the information of what is wrong with them, I know I am not in a position to do this but I guess I still care for them in some way or another even though I want nothing to do with them.
Any how more drinks were flowing and then I bumped into another old face and then in a drunken state, I gambled on my ol favourite machine - The Roulette machine, my old sequences which I knew hadn't changed and it had won me $500. A lot of things from the past raced through my mind and I could see alcohol was responsible for all the bad in my life. It's toxicity played a game of tug of war with the good neurons in my brain...
From yesterdays experience I learnt a bit more about why I drink. With me having been depressed nearly my whole life every day without the drop is some form of neutral stance just below what I should be feeling. This is when I eat healthy, exercise etc... And then I drink just to feel that bit better again to make me forget that I am depressed
Sorry for the lengthy post but I guess what I am trying to say is, sometimes it's not you who is responsible for your bad actions but it's rather because the influence of alcohol has made you turn another way ?