Day 5 no drink. Totally physically detoxed and ready to stay this way.
This is perhaps the worst I've felt in years. The worst, as the emotional pain that is starring myself in the mirror and realising what my life has become is more than I can handle. They really aren't lying about the first 30 days being the hardest. Being tempted to go back to the old ways is only a small weight compared to the sober realisation of what I've done to myself and to those who have known me.
I thought I was functioning. I thought that because I was young, healthy, made friends, did well in University, saw the world, etc. while drinking that I must have been a "functioning alcoholic." I mean surely someone with an "immediate drinking problem" wouldn't be able to pull all of that off with bottle-in-hand, right? Wrong.
The only function I was doing was destroying my life in so many ways. Destroying it in ways just invisible enough that I let it happen and felt like a functioning drinker. For years I let it happen.
Of course I've been an
Alcoholic for years. Of couse I should have made that first step into
AA or Other for years. Of course I would have met the criteria for going to
Rehab for years. What was I thinking?
I think of everyone I've met through BL, and though many people are great friends of mine, I can only wonder how much better those friendships would be, or how many more friends I would have (or even how many people I might not have ticked off) had I not been an alcoholic. I know it's bad to think of the "what if's" and stuff, but it's all very real and in the front of my mind right now.
Alcohol has cost me friendships.
Alcohol has cost me relationships.
Alcohol has cost me my ability to be honest and have integrity.
Alcohol has cost me closeness to my family.
Alcohol has limited my ability to succeed professionally.
Alcohol has made me think it was okay to put the drink in front of more important things.
Alcohol has cost me thousands of dollars.
Alcohol has made me feel physically like crap thousands of mornings.
Alcohol has taken away half of my twenties.
I could go on and on and on...
I started drinking because I felt inadequate in so many ways, and it gave me courage and confidence. But what I'd give to be that that dorky 18 year old kid who was shy around girls again...not this 25 year old with more resulting problems than a stadium full of such 18 year old kids... I can only hope that deep down some of that inncence and good-nautred-ness, in it's pure and innocent form, still exists in my heart and I can one day just see this as one bad memory (or one serious lesson-learned).
It's sad that alcohol is (in my opinion) as dangerous as the worst drugs in the world, and the one that we give everyone. Impressionable teenagers who want to feel better about themselves are given a poison comparable to heroin, casually at a party. That's not right. If all of the acloholics in the world could stop drinking and start really demonstrating their potential, we could have so much better of a world. If we had settled on almost anything but this to make legal, we would have so much better of a world (I know I'd never break the law to get such a shit drug).
I want nothing more to do with this stuff ever again. I've said that before, sure, but it's never hit me this hard in my heart. Hell, I'm printing this up and posting it all around my apartment just to remind myself.
I guess if I could say anything to the people in this thread is that I know how it is and to not feel alone. I know how it is to be drunk and I know how it is in those early days of trying to get sober, and just how devastating the reflection of it all can be. I might not know what it's like to speak about months or even years sober, but I will one day. Please everyone, stay strong. We're all in this together.
RL