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Thread: Alcoholism Thread v. A sober life is a good life <3

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    #76
    been an alcoholic for 4-5 years now
    i tapered down september last year, started only drinking 2-3 times a week, started drinking beer instead of liquor
    but then I started getting fat and couldn't deal with it
    got back on the liquor in december, been drinking 1/3-1/2 a handle a night since then
    can't stop won't stop
     

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    #77
    Bluelighter phactor's Avatar
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    ^^

    At least you now know you can taper. Try to take a positive from it.

    When you are ready to taper again, try eating a bit healthier and staying more active. Keep the drinking two 2 or 3 days a week at the most and don't get completely trashed. That should help keep the weight off. The payoff will be great, I can promise you that.
    Last edited by phactor; 15-06-2010 at 02:04.
     

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    #78
    Bluelight Crew RedLeader's Avatar
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    Day 5 no drink. Totally physically detoxed and ready to stay this way.

    This is perhaps the worst I've felt in years. The worst, as the emotional pain that is starring myself in the mirror and realising what my life has become is more than I can handle. They really aren't lying about the first 30 days being the hardest. Being tempted to go back to the old ways is only a small weight compared to the sober realisation of what I've done to myself and to those who have known me.

    I thought I was functioning. I thought that because I was young, healthy, made friends, did well in University, saw the world, etc. while drinking that I must have been a "functioning alcoholic." I mean surely someone with an "immediate drinking problem" wouldn't be able to pull all of that off with bottle-in-hand, right? Wrong. The only function I was doing was destroying my life in so many ways. Destroying it in ways just invisible enough that I let it happen and felt like a functioning drinker. For years I let it happen.

    Of course I've been an Alcoholic for years. Of couse I should have made that first step into AA or Other for years. Of course I would have met the criteria for going to Rehab for years. What was I thinking?

    I think of everyone I've met through BL, and though many people are great friends of mine, I can only wonder how much better those friendships would be, or how many more friends I would have (or even how many people I might not have ticked off) had I not been an alcoholic. I know it's bad to think of the "what if's" and stuff, but it's all very real and in the front of my mind right now.

    Alcohol has cost me friendships.
    Alcohol has cost me relationships.
    Alcohol has cost me my ability to be honest and have integrity.
    Alcohol has cost me closeness to my family.
    Alcohol has limited my ability to succeed professionally.
    Alcohol has made me think it was okay to put the drink in front of more important things.
    Alcohol has cost me thousands of dollars.
    Alcohol has made me feel physically like crap thousands of mornings.
    Alcohol has taken away half of my twenties.

    I could go on and on and on...

    I started drinking because I felt inadequate in so many ways, and it gave me courage and confidence. But what I'd give to be that that dorky 18 year old kid who was shy around girls again...not this 25 year old with more resulting problems than a stadium full of such 18 year old kids... I can only hope that deep down some of that inncence and good-nautred-ness, in it's pure and innocent form, still exists in my heart and I can one day just see this as one bad memory (or one serious lesson-learned).

    It's sad that alcohol is (in my opinion) as dangerous as the worst drugs in the world, and the one that we give everyone. Impressionable teenagers who want to feel better about themselves are given a poison comparable to heroin, casually at a party. That's not right. If all of the acloholics in the world could stop drinking and start really demonstrating their potential, we could have so much better of a world. If we had settled on almost anything but this to make legal, we would have so much better of a world (I know I'd never break the law to get such a shit drug).

    I want nothing more to do with this stuff ever again. I've said that before, sure, but it's never hit me this hard in my heart. Hell, I'm printing this up and posting it all around my apartment just to remind myself.

    I guess if I could say anything to the people in this thread is that I know how it is and to not feel alone. I know how it is to be drunk and I know how it is in those early days of trying to get sober, and just how devastating the reflection of it all can be. I might not know what it's like to speak about months or even years sober, but I will one day. Please everyone, stay strong. We're all in this together.

    RL
     

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    #79
    Bluelighter phactor's Avatar
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    ^^^

    Wish I could write a lengthy reply, but I do not have it in me tonight. Just want to say keep it up and it sounds like you have made the correct decision for yourself. If you do fall down and slip up, get up quickly and brush the dirt off and keep walking towards your goal.

    You can totally do this man!
     

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    #80
    "I can only hope that deep down some of that inncence and good-nautred-ness, in it's pure and innocent form, still exists in my heart and I can one day just see this as one bad memory (or one serious lesson-learned)."


    I totally believe in that. It's all there man, trust me if you can. I've been through addictions that I thought had ripped me clean off of everything that I ever was, but you learn eventually that there is something inside of you that cannot be taken away, and given just enough nurturing it will return not to what it was before, but to something much better. If you can stick with it I can say that you will reach a point where you don't look back on that 18yr old as something you want to be. You will look back at both him and who you are now as stones you stepped on to become something that you wouldn't trade for anything. Best wishes.
     

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    #81
    Bluelighter phactor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by batmanplaybaseball View Post
    If you can stick with it I can say that you will reach a point where you don't look back on that 18yr old as something you want to be. You will look back at both him and who you are now as stones you stepped on to become something that you wouldn't trade for anything. Best wishes.
    Very true. I am sortof struggling to accept my past mistakes. How could I be so stupid? I will occasionally think of how converstations would go if I had a time machine and could travel back to talk to my 18, 19, 20, 21 year old self.

    However, I cannot live in the past and honestly have been making major improvements over the past few years. I am not totally satisfied yet, but one thing I cannot do is give up on myself.
     

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    #82
    Bluelighter Umbo's Avatar
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    Hello , this is a good thread.
    Nice post RedLeader , good luck mate ... and good luck to everyone.

    I've been a moderately heavy drinker for over 10 years now , well over 10 actually but basically daily drinking almost without fail for 10+ years with no breaks. The only time off has been a day or 2 here and there if I've been very ill/disabled or for whatever reason broke or stranded , maybe 20-30 days all up here and there in the decade. Hell , even in "detox" I smuggled in some tequila and discreetly jumped the fence one night and ran to the bottlo and back.
    So I really like my booze , I've felt it like my medicine and even like a form fuel for 'vitality' and creativity , not to mention a tool for anxiety and depression and pain relief/stress etc. ... but Ofc , as any drinker knows , drink enough and drink often enough and your bound to come 'unstuck' eventually ... sometimes with negative results , whether it be simple stupid embarrassment or something much worse. I consider myself very lucky to be in the embarassing-shit category for most of my own mishaps but I have done some quite stupid things before too , nothing violent or too bad thankfully but I've been arrested for a few drunken things. Details best left unmentioned in this thread.
    But these slip-ups are rare comparitively , maybe a few times a year I'll go overboard but the majority of the time I am just happy and 'moderate' in my behaviours. Generally the only time I've really considered cutting down or abstaining is the day after one of those overly drunken times , for the next few days depressed and just feel like shit ... but 2 days later I'm all good again and hit it like nothing very serious actually happened and people get too drunk all the time and do crazier shit than I , It get's hard to justify the ever lingering fact of alcohol dependance , (or should that be ; easier to ignore it). I'm almost positive many of you could relate to some of this.

    Anyway ... Today (yesterday/Overnight actually) is my first completely alcohol-free day for ... I can't remember how long , maybe about 2 years ago when I got a really bad flu and couldn't get to the shops one day to re-stock ... that's the last day I remember , when your real crook and on other medz tho it's not hard to pass a day without a drop imo , In my earlier years I would actually like getting sick as It was the only time I'd take pharma drugs (like night flu tabs and codeine) and I wouldn't drink or smoke much if at all and the body would seem to get nicely rested and recovered , ready for more intoxication a few days later. Unfortunatly these days with the habit so ingrained even sickness won't stop the 'need' for a drink , at least a few.

    So yeh , sorry for the length of this but I'm still awake at this hour and I am actually sick at the moment and just trying to take my mind off how I feel , tiny bit of booze in the house and have cash but I've been slowly tapering down over the last few weeks so I decided to abstain today as I've cut down so far this week due to finances and now illness. Only 1 glass of wine and a shot of reserve Rum only yesterday , 5 small glasses of wine to sip all day the day before that and only 5 or 6 beers the day before that , so I've drank the least in the last few days than I have for many many years. I usually drink beer , lots of it and over last couple of years I drink mainly light beers now , still just as many beers (12+ a night minimum) but not so groggy , easier on the liver and better for my wallet too I've been successful with that and that's why the 'drunken incidents' have really waned off the last couple of years and I can still enjoy my beers even tho I am still an alcho.

    I was upto demolishing most of a carton (24) of full strength beers a day/night when I realized It was getting a bit ridiculous , plus the price went up on my favourite drop so I had to change my ways before I dropped dead of organ failure and/or went into debt to keep up my dastardly habit. Took me a while to switch over to the lights or mid-strength Beers , I was back and forth with it for years but in the last couple I've been pretty consistent with it ... and some of the Australian light beers are quite good beers. I even drink it at the pub most of the time these days , sure do have to watch myself if I go the full strength now though lol but it comes with self-control and practice ... much like abstinence I suppose. I do still get quite drunk most of the time though.
    I want to keep drinking as I enjoy drinking with my smoking and other 'activities' and It's also probably the best anti-anxiety 'med' I know of that works for me , I just couldn't be social how I'd like to be without it.

    Nevertheless , I recognize I have this problem and no doubt deeper underlying problems aswell ... not sure what my life would be without the grog , It's very hard to even imagine it but it crosses my mind from time to time (like atm obviously). I know I'm slowly killing myself with it , even though I felt great for so many years getting hammered every night and recovering quickly now I'm starting to feel it all catching up with me , I've really pushed my body and that's partly because of the adrenalin rush of alcohol ... even with no food in the system you can just go and go ... no doubt sapping your 'vitality' that may be needed in future life (or later in the level ; for the Wonderboy reference )

    Well , I hope that was worth reading to anyone ... Not sure if "cutting down" is an option for many people with serious addictions but it can be done with some success , I know others that have been heavy drinkers in the past and can still have a good few each night , even getting a bit tipsy but knowing when enough is enough ... admittedly most of these people are a little older than most around here I'd guess so they've had alot more experience and practice ... but I at least know there's hope for me/us yet , I'd be quite happy to be a six-pack-a-night kind of drinker ... and I have a feeling I Will finally start to 'slow down' in the coming years as most people eventually do so I can see it happening and maybe I won't poison myself to death before I'm 50


    Anyway ... All the Best to everyone here , I wish you well.
    I promise my next post won't be as long , consider this my alcho-introduction to give a bit of background and plz permit it as somewhat of a therapuetic outlet for me on this non-alcoholic night of near misery ... It's been good to be able to think about it aswell as keeping me distracted from it at the same time. I guess the Benzo and buds has helped a little too.

    Cheers all.
     

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    #83
    My experience with alcohol started in high school. From then until my completion of college consisted of binge drinking on weekends/weekdays. As soon as my depression worsened I realized how much alcohol affected my mood, so I cut it down to a few beers a few times a month, and both times I attempted suicide were days after drinking, the alcohol really adversely affected my mood to the point of self harm. These days I don't drink anymore, ever. I realized for my medicine to work at optimal efficiency I needed to cut alcohol out of my life all together. So I've been sober now since my last hospitalization, which was about a month ago, and I don't intend to start drinking any time soon. I realize that for some people that they can handle casually drinking in social situations, but I can't. In being sober I had to stop hanging out with a lot of my friends because they couldn't understand why I can't just go out and have a few drinks with them, so now I only hang out with friends who understand that I can't drink, and they are very supportive. I have no problem being around people that are drinking, as I don't get urges because I know of the repercussions, so I'm grateful that I realized what alcohol does to my mood, and I was able to stop drinking and not worrying about being around others that do drink.
     

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    #84
    Day 2 without drink. Sober until next month to survive. Yesterday it needed 18mg alprazolam and still was feeling shitpan. Now 12mg alprazolam in blood and starting to recover...

    My idea to withdrawal at home is banana yoghurt. Hardcore bingers just use raw bacon, myself eat horse meat. It works to avoid delirium and other shitty feeling to get good protein and fat to battle and solve the hangover shame.
     

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    #85
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    starting over at 12 hours with no drink. let the sweats begin. i got tons of valiums and xanaxes to help ride this out
     

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    #86
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    ^ Well I was pretty close to going to the bottleshop yesterday but I got distracted reading something on here and by the time is was 3pm I figured I may aswell ride it out and go another day without a drink ...

    I took 2 more Temazepam to help the body and mind but unfortunatly I felt basically nothing ... I guess I already had it in my system from the night before (awake all night) and even 2 more tabs wasn't gonna make much difference.
    I got thru it tho ... smoked quite a bit more bud than usual , nothing was hitting 'The Spot' if you know what I mean.

    So that was 2 complete days without a single drop , fairly impressed with my effort ... something I can't recall doing in the last 5 years ever ... 1 day I could always Juuust manage with enough ganja , the 2nd day without would be absolute hell. I figured I may aswell , set a record this time ... and it's 2010 so I'll be able to remember "the last time I did that" in the future.

    I've tapered off very well and have been for a month or so ... but I just don't feel well , have felt shitty for the whole time ... feeling like I will get sick even though eating better and stuff ... and now I did get sick when I cut down so drastically. It's so hard to justify quitting because what little quality of life one has with the booze ... sometimes it's just better than no quality at all without.

    So I went to the shops today and had a couple of schooners of beer ... planned to get some milk and bread to last the weekend for toast and coffee but wouldn't you know it , I spent it on a 4 litre cask of wine instead doh! ... but was just gonna sip a few slow glasses ofc ... no point in getting pissed after almost complete soberness for a week is there? ... ... hmmm , seems there is a point (a very pointy one) ... and I just poured my 4th glass. I don't even enjoy wine , feel like shit and my stomach keeps groaning at me to feed it but I just pour another and light a cigarette to make it shutup. Old habits die hard don't they , so good for a week and all down the drain again within a day ... 2 steps forward , 3 steps back. Such is this life.

    ^So anyway , what do you guyz think about treating ourselves with Benzo's and whatnot to cope with alcohol withdrawal? ... are we not just compensating for one habit with another? ... are nightly benzos really better for the body and mind than nightly alcohol intake? ...
    I'll leave it there.

    Cheers all , stay strong.
     

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    #87
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    ok i had to start over again, went out last night and bought me a 40oz bottle of olde english since the insomnia just kept me awake. I chugged that bottle and only got 3 hours of sleep
     

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    #88
    Bluelighter AfterGlow's Avatar
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    so was it worth it?
     

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    #89
    hey just updating. I am sober now for 26 days, sort of. I went on a camping trip and almost ended up getting hypothermia. When we finally managed to get back to shore I had 3 beers in the shower. My friend offered and I never felt so good getting my body temperature back and putting my mind at ease.

    I guess I can't really say I am sober if I drank the 3 can I? Oh well. Benzo's and sleep med's are in use a lot more now. Thanks for listening BL

    Day 26
    Binghampton
     

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    #90
    Bluelight Crew n3ophy7e's Avatar
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    ^^ Wow man, 26 days is awesome!! I suppose you can't technically count that day in between when you had hypothermia, but honestly I can't blame you for having a few beers after that ordeal.

    Keep up the good work man!
     

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    #91
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    Raw bacon and horse meat?! Lolwut?

    I've cut down a lot and have no real access to spirits (or for that matter, disposable income). I want to have some sort of breakthrough that makes me quit. I can't get away with this much longer.

    I am also kicking rx tramadol (day 4/5). I'm one of those people on whom it works a little too well and I definitely don't want to be an opioid addict.

    I'm at a relatively high latitude in midsummer, where it is still cold and gray and rainy all the time. I won't be here forever. I had a week that would have knocked anyone's mood to garbage.

    It's time to see some more self-control out of me.
     

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    #92
    This is a great thread- reading about you guys doing well might be the inspiration I need.

    I'm 27, and I've been an alchy for a long time. Alot of crazy and sometimes bad shit has happened because of it. For one, I was in the military and was drummed out for being a coked-out drunk. I actually had a year and a half in which I didn't drink, because of a woman who I was with and pleaded with me to stop. I loved her, so I did. It felt fantastic. But recently-a few months ago-she left me, and I was (am) devastated, and I have fallen off the wagon HARD.

    I'm drinking a ton, sometimes all day every day, even at work. I know I shouldn't, but I can't stop. I'm just hurting so much on the inside. I know the alcohol isn't helping the depression, at all, but waking up and having a clear head just seems impossible at this point. ALL my friends drink, alot. I don't got nobody to talk to bout anything, the only response I get is shit like "drink up, you'll feel better". I bet that without drinking, I'd hardly see any of them again.

    The other huge problem with my drinking is that I'm an angry drunk. I'm also a really large dude, and that's a bad combo. I had an incident a few weeks ago that I wrote about in another thread in which I beat the dog-piss out of my buddy because he ticked me off when I was drunk. I'm not a bad guy at heart, I don't think...but when I drink the evil gets in me, ya know?

    I'm seriously considering trying to tap the breaks on the booze again, but it just seems so hard. I honestly have no idea what to do. I envy you guys. I wish, more than anything, that I had it in me to stop drinking again. It was beautiful. But I just can't seem to get my shit together
     

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    #93
    Bluelight Crew Mariposa's Avatar
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    ^ you've been through a lot - that set of circumstances would no doubt drive me to the bottle as well. Thank you for your service regardless of how it ended. Can the VA help you in some way?
     

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    #94
    No, unfortunately with the way I was discharged I'm not eligible for VA benefits and stuff. Can't say I deserve them either, given the shit I did to get booted out.

    Mariposa? Butterfly, that's a pretty name.
     

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    #95
    I've done a bunch of drugs and once in the blue moon still do some on a special occasion but I know I won't do that forever since I'm still young and I don't really care about that.

    But I can't picture myself not drinking, It runs in the family I guess.

    I don't picture myself getting wasted a lot like I do now, but I'll always be sippin a beer.

    And I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that yet.
    Last edited by pinkstarscracate; 21-06-2010 at 08:55.
     

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    #96
    "no torturous talk",i watch myself from mirror a little bit....ROFLMAO. try. Its saysfrom headphones: "i'ma kidlowwa".
     

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    #97
    Bluelighter phactor's Avatar
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    Whew just got my power back after 3 and 1/2 days. Ended up drinking heavier then usual friday and saturday. Had a bunch of friends and family over (also without power) Sunday I was good and had maybe two.

    Just got back from a long walk and am having a beer. I made myself promise that I would walk before I drank a single drop.
     

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    #98
    Bluelight Crew paranoid android's Avatar
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    I havent had so much as a beer in over 3 weeks which is pretty good by my standards since i got home a few months ago and decided to try and drink my problems away. That always works well and my body just loves it . The cravings havent been too bad at all except for a few sleepless miserable nights but thats really the only time i want to get drunk or even drink at all. That and when i get pissed off and fed up with the world in general and want to get drunk and cause as much mayham as possible

    But the drinking thing isint much of a issue anymore at all thankfully. Plus the hangovers i get these days fuck me up for days after. God it took me 3 days to feel normal after that last drunk. Im getting old
     

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    #99
    I am 25 now and my drinking has seen me drink with mates in the park, house parties, night clubs, work functions to now where I drink on my own in the park without anyone knowing. My folks have always assumed I wasn't a drinker as have a lot of others as I don't drink with a lot of people, don't like the whole getting judged thing. However this has taken its toll and it does very little for my depression, will give the whole sober thing another crack hopefully I don't need another drop ever again.
     

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    Bluelighter phactor's Avatar
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    Been taking it easy since Sunday. Did notice I felt slightly off throughout the day... I didn't drink enough to get hungover last night either. Kinda reminder that I have to keep watching the intake, even on the weekends.

    Grilling some burgers on the grill now and getting ready to watch some baseball.
     

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