Never, Never shake a baby

jakoz

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2001
Messages
3,140
This was posted by SqueezeTheShaman in main social, but it's fucking nuts, so I brought it here too, since most people here won't find it. :)

-----------------------

Originally posted by SqueezeTheShaman:
Cleaning up my PC...found this. It's from a website I believe no longer exists. It made me pee my pants laughing the first time I read it, so I'm sharing my love for twisted humor with you. Enjoy.
Never, Never Shake a Baby

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leonard Spudhuttler, long-time contributor to The Chain, has prepared (as part of his parole agreement) a public service announcement about the dangers of shaking babies

------------------------------------------------------------------------

By Leonard Spudhuttler

The first thing I saw when I got out of prison was one of those public service ads imploring "Never, never shake a baby." As a non-parent and a layman, I wondered two things when I saw this:
1.Why would anyone want to shake a baby? and 2.What would happen if you did?

Well, rather than just shaking a baby myself (which Big Larry suggested to me to do), I made a visit to a pediatrician in my area. At first, they didn't want to even let me in or give me an appointment, since I didn't have a baby; after two more phone calls, I finally lied and said I had a baby named Smedley whose ears were leaking an oily fluid, so they let me come in right away. I wrapped an old car battery in a towel and rushed off to Doctor Baum's office.

I was immediately admitted to one of the examination rooms, and within minutes, Dr. Baum was kicking the battery and threatening to call the police. I managed to reason with him and convinced him not to call the police by telling him that I did have a baby named Smedley, but that I must have picked up the car battery by mistake and Smedley was probably at home safe with the dogs and my creepy landlord Dave. After going over Smedley's "symptoms" (and receiveing a prescription for something called Auralax), I asked the doctor if I could ask him some questions about shaking babies and what it does. He cheerfully agreed, but his answers were all technical and about stuff like neurological disorders and eye damage so I decided to take Big Larry's advice and shake a baby myself.

First I needed to get a baby. Sure, you're thinking I could just make a baby, but Big Larry and Dave both think it is likely I'll be back in prison before such a forward thinking plan could come to fruition. If the past is any indicator they're right. . . I really had only about a month or two before I was back "inside." You can see my need was an urgent one.

The first place I could think to find a baby was in Pine Court Mall. They have one of those rooms with slides and giant colored balls but they wont let you play in unless you're under 4 feet tall and don't have tattoos because even my buddy Al (who was a midget before he died) couldn't get in there in 1989 when we both tried. So I see this lady and just like I planned it, she brought a baby with her! I asked if I could hold her (the baby) and she (the lady) says it (the baby) is a he and she also says she doesn't know if that would be a good idea for me to hold him. So I says "I promise not to shake him" (a clever lie) but it doesn't work because I guess something about my demeanor told her I was a baby shaker or something.

So now I'm not even allowed back in Pine Court Mall without a disguise.

To get a baby for my scientific study I finally had to put an ad in the paper saying that I was a babysitter and worked cheap and needed a baby right away. Two days later I got my first call from a woman named Penny who had a little boy named Ed and she worked and needed me to watch him. Since I did not want her to see where I lived or she wouldn't have given me her baby to watch I gave her an address in a nice part of town and told her I'd meet her "out in front of my house." This was a lie of course and the house was not mine. Anyway, she gave me the baby and we both waved as she went to work and I drove like a bat out of hell back to my apartment to begin the experiments.

First, I fed Ed and changed his diaper. Then I began to shake him vigorously. The first thing I noticed was that you could hear all the formula sloshing around in his tummy; let me tell you, that liquid slooshing noise was a very happy sound indeed. My creepy landlord Dave just laughed and laughed; it was pretty infectious so I laughed too and shook and shook and shook.

So, my experiment yielded answers to the first question of why you would shake a baby: It makes you laugh.

The second question of what is bad about shaking a baby was quickly answered when Ed vomited and went into convulsions. I learned that these convulsions are called Spasmic Appendage Lock when I had to go the emergency room and have Ed surgically removed from my head.

While using electrified needles to "unhinge" Ed's teensy muscles, the doctor explained that babies have a built-in mechanism which causes them to latch on to the nearest thing and not let go when they feel they are in danger. Ed latched on to me and his tiny muscular system would not release.

By this time it was 10 o'clock at night and I'm sure that Penny was wondering where her baby was. I was afraid of going back to prison, when Big Larry and creepy Dave my landlord said they would "take care of things real good" for me. Now I know what happens when these guys take care of something because I have never seen my mom since that time she slapped Big Larry when he asked if she would sleep with him in one of the conjugal visit trailers at Knuckbucklehuckle Harbor State Penal Institution. Larry says she is just in Florida but I don't think so.

So anyway, we couldn't give the baby back to Penny but we had to do something because we sure didn't want it. Then we noticed that the baby was cut "down there," so Dave says he must be a Jew 'cause only Jews are cut like that and so we left Ed in front of a synagogue with a note that told them "We cannot stress strongly enough that you should not shake this baby." I sure hope that Rabbis work on Wednesday because otherwise that baby will be sitting on their front porch until Saturday, when the Jews go to church -- a fact I learned from "The Frisco Kid" with Gene Wilder and Harrison Ford. Harrison Ford is very popular in prison.

So when you hear someone say, "never, never shake a baby," you listen because, even though it is funny, it is hard to breathe when a baby is paralyzed to your head.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leonard Spudhuttler is no longer serving time in Knuckbucklehuckle Harbor Sate Penal Institution in Knuckbucklehuckle Harbor, Michigan, but he probably should be.
 
Last edited:
Bwahahahahahahahaah oh sweet fucking christ!
I love warped shit. :D
-plaz out-
 
Fuck you're right Plaz!!
That is some seriously fucked up shit I'm reading there. Getting a car battery, then wrapping it up in Material, then pretending that you're pregnant with a car battery under your dress! hmmmmmmmmmmm.
All of this fucking trouble just to see a Pediotrician.
That makes up for some serious hardcore fucked reading!!!
 
parts of it were funny :p i liked the part about wrapping an old car battery in a blanket and naming it Smedley
 
BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!
Definitely slots into my sense of humour nicely ;)
Ciao
 
Schmick.
14.gif
 
Top