I'm scared and I can't take this anymore

Chill E

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 29, 1999
Messages
16
I am not a raver. I am a kid. im 17 years old and ecstasy has consumed my life. About 3 months ago, i was introduced to E when my freinds brought me to a local club. I tried it twice and it wasn't that big of a deal. I have a girlfriend who i love more than anything in the world. I decided to introduce her to E, almost as a way to impress her. I still remember the first night we rolled togeather. It was pure bliss. I was so happy to see her in such a state of joy.
Life went on. We began to do E every weekend for fun. And we did have fun. We'd go places, meet people, and over all, have good rolls.
Then things got bad. She began to get so obsessed with E and the whole rave scene that she was no longer herself. We would fight for no reason, and bicker until those magical pills were in our systems. Her jaw began to have major problems. Her family has a history of TMJ, and it seems like she has it as well. It got to the point where it would hurt to the touch, regardless of what she would bite on. But still, she insisted on doing it.
Rolling became the way of life. We would lie to her parents constantly to cover up our roll. They were so determined to catch us doing something that there have been times where her mother paged me with a voicemail telling us to go back to her house at the peak of our roll. I began to associate rolling with tension, nervousness, and deception.
We rolled on newyears. I actually wrote a post asking people to help me lie. I wanted everything to be perfect. Her parents new we were at my house, and we told them that my grandmother was going to be there. At the peak of our roll, her mother calls demanding to speak to my grandmother. It makes me nautious thinking about the look on my girlfriends face when her mother asked her that question. Her mother ruined 4 of our rolls. I now completely feel uneasy thinking back to those times.
My girlfriend isn't the same person when we roll. She acts differently, and uses E as an excuse to do things she wouldn't normally do; talk to strangers, be open with anyone,..typical E effects. On top of that, her jaw would go crazy. It was very scary.
New Years was to be our last roll. I bought a CD, Happy 2 b Hardocore, during one of our bad rolls, and that CD makes me cringe. Last week she was listening to that CD and going on Bluelight very often. She missed rolling. and the sad thing is, i do too.
That has been our only topic of conversation and all we've been thinking about. This is not right. I am 17, and she is a 16 year old catholic school girl whom i have corrupted. Before E, we would be so happy with eachother that we'd talk on the phone for hours about nothning and laugh. I miss that. E has taken away her innocents, and now there is no turning back. Sometimes i wish i'd never started. I tell myself that i will never do it again, but its a lie. I think about rolling and get very excited. So does she.
It is pathetic that E is the only thing that makes us that excited anymore. Escpecially at our age. I miss being happy. I think about rolling and i get very anxious, physically and mentally. Then again, i associate rolling with bad events. I can't stop tourturing myself. I want to roll, but i don't want any more bad things happening to ruin our roll, or the rest of our life. I honestly want to forget about the whole rolling scene completely, but i am addicted. We are both addicted. I need help.
Someone, anyone, please help me
Chil E
 
I started writing this beautifull answer and the site crashed so i will try again ,
if you read my post i'm in excatly the same problem - I have to stop i feel bad - Iv'e asked people here for help and I promise you you will get lot's of support - but lets be honest with ourselfs - nobody can make you quit except yourself - be strong if you can stay away of rolling friends and hang with non rolling ones - stay away form parties for a while and if you do go to raves - find something to do that will not let you roll - be designated driver, give massages, be responsible for others - basically keep yourself occupaid but even better stay away , you can advise to your girl - but she has to do it herself as well - no special tricks no magic - just will power thats all !!
if you need anything anytime - give me a call my # is posted and don't hesitate to use it - I am going threw the same thing - so in a way we can encouredge each other !! call anytime anyday you need don't worry about it !!
I wish you best of luck and I'm sure it will be easier then you think (for both of us) we used to enjoy B4 - and there are many happy people that don't do drugs
smile.gif

Plur
p.s- been saving this since bluelight was down greta to have it back
smile.gif

------------------
SpecialK - If you thought thats a hole wait till you see my flat :)
 
I finally figured out why i associated rolling with tension and panic. It was the fear of being caught by her mother. We realized that and the stress went away. We do plan to roll again, but when the time is right and not just to do it. i find it much more a recreation for once in a while
i appreciate the offer. E mail me [email protected]
thanks and don't give up
Eat, sleep, and live PLUR
~~Chil E
 
I have to admit,it's kinda good seeing posts like this up at Bluelight,because for all the talk about e being harmless,here is proof that,really,it is not.E can fuck up your life,and maybe its about time some people on this site stood back and realised that.Im sorry,I really don't mean to be the guy that pisses on everybodys PLURparade,but after a good few years on the 'scene',I have seen far too many people throw away far too much potential to just sit back and watch all these people potentially do the same.
My girlfriend,the person I care about most in this world,has paid a heavy price for ecstacy,she has had to give up college,move back home and stop all contact with her ex pilling friends...is all that really worth a few good nights out?
Once again,Im sorry,I dont mean to be the only negative nancy on this site,these are just some thoughts I needed to express.
Thanks for listening..
smile.gif
wink.gif
biggrin.gif
 
Chill E,
I'm so sorry for your situation hun.
Yes, E can be harmful and have physical and emotional effects and it is good that we address those. I have friends who are so consumerd by it.
It sounds like you and your girlfriend have developed a relationship where the closeness was bonded by drugs (you were happy when you were on thema nd could get away with it, but unhappy when you were not able to have and do it whenever you wanted). Maybe this is ironically good that you both keep getting caught, cuz it sounds like you both need a break... to get to know each other again beyond your lovey drug personalities.
Its hard to realize that there are things to get excited about beyond rolling, but there are. Just really make an effort to figure out what inspires you and makes you naturally smile.
also, your emotions must be pretty banged up and your seretonin (sp?) a bit wonkey cuz of all the rolling. So everything probably feels a lot worse now than it will after a few weeks or months rest when you body can begin working with you again.
I think that even though E is increadible fun, it should be used sparingly so as not to become dependant on it.
good luck, sorry my letter here is a bit choppy (I'm at work and in a bit of a rush). take care sweetie,
keep us posted on how you are doing
Jenn
 
and this is why we DONT give KIDS drugs-
REMEMBER THAT, ALL YOU TEENAGERS!
------------------
phish2000/w33k4p4u9
 
dude, I wouldn't fret about it...happy hardcore makes me cringe also every time I hear it!
naw, seriously...I wish you luck in finding your way. Just remember it's really not the drug that messes people up...the drug can only bring out what is already there. I don't give the drug the power to make me happy or make me sad...it just shows me what is inside of myself. Taking the responsibility also let's you take the power. Double edged sword. Give it a try.
 
i'm soo sorry chill E. personally, i think drugs/E shouldn't be a part of a young person's life. teenagers just aren't responsible enough to use it with moderation due to a lack of maturity. it takes away from what's really important-school, career, family, responsiblities, goals..... i didn't start doing E till after 25 when i've finished graduate school and got my goals/career on track. i just use it now for fun and it doesn't dictate my life. Most of my frenz who started dropping in their mid 20's have no problems as well. however, most of our teenage frenz or siblings seem to be in alot of trouble with E abuse/addiction. i would just recommend that teenagers/young people to just lay off the drugs till you "grow up". i know it's easier said than done, but u know it's the truth. take care and good luck.
 
~w33k4p4u9
first of all, i don't think that you understand PLUR, R=respect, try to have a little. If you had a problem, i'd try to help.
~Jennika
Thank you and i apreciate your concern. Beleive me, my relationship with my girlfriend goes far beyond drug use. We only did this as an experiment and it got out of hand, so don't worry. Things are really good now. Posting this post helped me out a lot (Just writing it) I felt better and i think we'll be ok, but the more support, the better
I am very happy that so many people are concerened. Thank you all
 
Chill E good for you for being so positive with everyone, and honest with yourself... I, as my fellow bluelighters know, have let drugs consume my life 4 or 5 times now until i am no longer me.. remember this though, what doesnt break you makes you stronger. you are becoming stronger from facing your addiction, and responsible for being able to say you are going to use moderation.. I have found what is important, at least for me, is that I am aware that I have a problem, and so if I dont use moderation, its kinda like I know I wasnt in control but I have to forgive myself, and start over the next time.. good luck to you Chill E, I was 16 the first time i went to rehab, if you want someone to talk to email me or something.
much plur luv x2k
 
Yo
I would actually say that its best to get
all of your crazy drug use out as a teen.
Just keep your life's focus in mind, and dont lose track of who you are. Everyone in the drug scene has a scary self-realization moment sooner or later, when they question their actions in the past and wonder about their future. Be a student first, or a boyfriend first, or whatever your about, and then be a raver or an e-tard and all that second. If you feel yourself slipping, take a step back and look at your life.
Bim
 
Be strong sweety, and have willpower. try to avoid situations where you and your girl would have the chance to roll. power to ya for realizing the fact that you might have (or may have had) a problem...sometimes it takes a lot to realize that- it did for me. my boyfriend and i have gotten into fights too about my use; he thought i was addicted, but i denied it all and wouldnt face reality (this was all just about a month ago, but im better now- no lie!) its scary how drugs can impose the ability to be very manipulative and sly! like i said, power to you- be strong, have willpower. love to you.
------------------
*PeAcElOvEuNiTyReSpEcT*
 
Again, thank you everyone for being there for me. I think i have it under control now. We planned to roll next weekend, but honestly, it doesn't seem that appealing to me. I never knew how helpful it would be for me to post that. Thanks again, and everyone please take care of yourselves.
Chill E
 
ah-aeight
Chill E - the stage of life that you are going through sucks and is great at the same time (regardless of drug use) because it is when you get to really understand yourself through trials of life and it hurts like hell sometimes and it is euphoric sometimes.
The important thing to know here is that you have to be objective and aware of your actions and what the consequenses to your actions will be. It seems to me that you're on the right track about being objective n' shit, so dont worry.
Remember this- soon it'll suck again...then it'll get better again... then it'll suck...better...suck.....better............. That's life, but the older and experienced you get, the lesser the suckness and the greater the joy.
and feel free to post pleas for help n' shit, cause thats what we plurers are here for.
ah-aeight...
roger...
10-4...
over and out...
------------------
P L U R
 
I think we've all been there to some extent -I've been there once or twice and am going through a bit of an "uh-uh, slow down" stage right now. About a year ago I could not have thought of a single thing I wanted to do on a weekend except go out clubbing. And the thought of going sober was often toyed with, but dismissed almost as soon as I considered it.
Recently though, I've been rediscovering the things I did before I rolled. Going out to dinner, going to movies, going out for drinks or just going for a walk. And I'm loving it! I guess you've just got to maintain a balance - never let one aspect of your life dominate over all the others. There are LOADS of good things in life, there's no reason why you can't do all of them.
Cat
 
Chill E, hang in there bro. I am going through a similar situation. Everything will work out. Feel free to e-mail me.
 
I too watched my life spin out of control from doing e too hard and too fast. I recieved so much support from this board when I finally broke down and decied to get my act together. My advice to you is to quit rolling for a while. You have your whole life to have great experiences with e. Just taken a step back. It's not worth all the trouble it's causing you RIGHT NOW. In a few months, or whenever the situation changes, am sure e will still be around.
Let us know how it goes.
wink.gif

------------------
...you are who you chose to be...
 
Thanks again everyone for caring so much. Last night i did mushrooms with my girlfriend, and while shroomin', we realized that E isn't everything--by far. We were so happy being togeather, and seeing how mushrooms are fairly mild compared to E, we didn't feel all cracked out or anything. We finally fell back in love and i can't ask for anymore. I also, for some unknown reason, started to tell my mother all my experiences with E. She's a great person and she had nothing but positive things to say. She commended me for my self control and my ability to know when im overdoing it. She also told me that my girlfriend is very lucky to have me to guide her in such situations, and that made me feel really good coming out of my own mom's mouth. Thanks everyone!! PLUR and PLEASE STAY SAFE
~~~When the dance gets too hot, its time to take a Chill~~~~~~~
 
Top