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Letter to Your Disease/Addiction

There are alot of good letters-
but Enki I got a chuckle out of yours....
 
yea Nicky (nicotine), Kath (caffeine), Mary Jane, Molly and Lucy r always welcome with me still ;)
(Mary Jane, Molly and Lucy rnt really addictions for me anyway)
 
Dear Opium,

You make me feel like I'm in love. When you are gone, I feel like a part of myself is missing. I know in my heart that I will never leave you.
 
Dear various psychostimulants;
I fucking love you. You make everything more fun, more awesome and I would rather be with you then with that cunt called sobreity and her sister "normal healthy life" any day.

the only thing I hate about you is the physical impossiblity of of being with you 24/7 for reasons of insanity, tolerence and the fact my body needs to rest and get some food into sometimes.

ah well, thats no biggie, and your still 100% worth it. No negative from you has ever been as bad or repulsive as as being a huge faggot with a minivan and 9 to 5....seriously bro, crashing off methylphenidate in the middle of winter 50km from home with no money or credit cards on me is more tolerable then reading the new trendy novel and talking about it with my douchbag friends.

tl;dr, your fucking awesome and I dont want you to go away.
 
Dear Heroin,

It has been about 6 months that we've met through your cousin OC which I met about a year and a half ago. I just wanna tell you one thing:
GET THE FUCK OFF MY LIFE!
You remind me so much of a very bad friend I had earlier Cocaine ( which I haven't seen in about 3 years) she hurt me so deeply that I swore to myself that I would never EVER have ANY MORE contact watsoever with her. She actually made me walk naked in the highway and b/c of her I landed in a mental institution. But also thanks to that experience , I learned to stay away from her and have never touched her since.
BUT YOU H ..you...came into my life out of nowhere and like the sneaky little bastard that you are (everyone warned me that you were anyways) YOU HAVE DESTROYED MYLIFE ...but you know what? this coming week, I am putting an end to our relationship for once and for all.
I am going to go see your enemy of all time ..THE METH CLINIC..I already made an appointment for this coming Wednesday ..and THAT SHOULD BE THE LAST DAY WE EVER..EVER SEE EACH OTHER...
but for now....I wish I didnt' need you but I do you freaking bastard..but you just wait n see you will be gone completely off my life soon enough!

with love of passionate hate,
-MV
 
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dear methamphetamine,

i have pure hated for you now. you have destroyed my life and my ability to live a normal one ever again. you have taken away all my self respect and the respect i can ever hope to gain from someone else. you have destroyed my relationships with family, friends, boys, myself...

i thought you were a blessing for my ED but you have fucked me up so much more than i ever could have been on my own with my ed. you are the only way i know how to live with food anymore.

i hate the way you fucking me, POP back into my life when i dont even want to find you. i was eight months clean and i didnt even want to start relapsing but its like no matter where i go you are there until i NEED you and you're not. i am so depedent on you emmotionally physically there is nothing in my life that i rely on more than having you. this morning i could not find you in my drawer and it inspired the worst bout of fear in me i've had anything in so long. occasionaly about losing you somehow and wake up terrified. my day, my life, everything revolves around you. i cant be normal without you.

i hate myself for letting you into my life five and something years ago. i dont know who i have become since meeting you but i hate the person i am. but you have such control over ever aspect of me, my emmotions my body and you bring me down to the lowest points and then somehow bring to the highest one the next day. tonight because i am a hopeless meth addict but tomorrow i will be high and happy and not understand why i was so upset because is going to be fine and why would i ever want to be clean? i am so sick of you cycling me in and out of misery but its better than being totally miserable without you. which i am completely. how many fucking i have thought i have never going to use you again, from you making me so physically sick or emmotionally destroyed i dont know. everytime it feels like its going to be different but it never is.

you are killing me physically and emmotionally; i can feel my brain, my body, my personality my values dying everyday but you wont let me just go you want to make 50 years or however much longer i make it a long drawn out death. sometimes i wish that you would just kill me so that i would not have to suffer through this anymore, or that you would kill of the rest of that is still buried somewhere and surfaces every once and a while to tell me that this is SICK and PATHETIC and there is another way to live. because i am the most pathetic and weak and disgusting person ever cannot figure out make of that real.

we work so well together and it such a curse. how does nobody see how much you are destroying but me? why am i so good at existing with you? why cant i just be some completely unfunctional obvious homeless tweaker so that i can stop feeling like im wrong to think that i need to be clean?

i want you to get out of my brain, my memory, my life, my soul, my body everything but the truth is i am so terrified of existing without you i probably
hold you closer to me than you do me.

but one thing i know, i will go to sleep tonight and tomorrow i will wake and get high and read this and laugh at myself for being so stupid overdramatic and not realizing that i just need to get this under control more.

so, dear me who reads this tomorrow: you are the fucking ignorant one who doesnt realize how fucked you are and how things are just going to get worse. stop putting off doing something drastic to get your OFF THIS MOTHERFUCKING HORRIBLE EVIL DISGUSTING DRUG.

how many of these ive written to myself, i dont even know.
 
dear (hero) ron,

When we first met, you made me feel great. I knew I was in love with you. I thought you were great, I did not realize the hell you would put me through. As the months and years went by, you started making me feel sad more than you made me feel happy. Even when you were around, you couldn't satisfy me. You told me u could satisfy me if I banged u. I let u penetrate me and it felt so good at first.

then you started to get me in trouble. i missed important life opportunities that I can never get back because of you. You got me selling my body for you, stealing and lying and cheating. You might have given me STDs, or killed me, but I didn't care. You were my obsession. Back then, I would have done anything for you.

Now I see u are a horrible liar. you've told me we should see eachother one more time, and I couldn't resist because I thought I was in love. Well I didn't know that love shouldn't hurt. I always am making excuses for you. Telling people I have the flu, when really u are making me sick. Telling people I just drank too much and thats why I nodded out. Well, I can't make anymore excuses for how you treat me. It is time to tell people the truth about you and me, that u make me sick and abuse me.

Now that I've been away from u for a few days, my mind is starting to clear, and I am realizing I DON'T NEED YOU. u cause me so much more pain than happiness.
 
Dear Roxy,

You are the love of my life. You make everyday worth living. I will never regret having met you. During the darkest days, you are there for me. When loved ones are angry at me, you comfort me. I know you will not abandon me and will be with me to the day i die. I am not afraid of death with you. I prayed to the Universe to get a steady supply of you and the Universe answered my prayer.

With all my love,
Floaters
 
To my multiple addictions, past and present-

Coke- you fucked up my life. i left everything and everyone i loved because of you. you made me degrade myself by stripping for cash, all those men i let see my body, just for a few extra bucks to buy another bag. you brought me to my rock bottom, but i BEAT YOU!!! and no matter how bad the temptation gets, i'm not going to have anything to do with you ever again. I haven't seen you in over 2 years now, and I hope to not see you for the rest of my life!!!

Opiates- you snuck into my life so slyly, i didn't even realize it. All those doctors giving me meds for every little ache and pain... then you took over, and I made up more and more aches and pains to get you. Chasing after you has fucked up my health insurance, and god knows what you've done to my liver. At the end, you just made me feel like shit. And I thank you for that. You didn't give me the high I wanted anymore, and that made it so much easier to turn my back on you. I left you just over a month ago, and I have no regrets. You suck!

Adderall- You're the one that keeps sucking me in. I binge on you for weeks, then am left depressed, and so fucking tired. I don't know how many times I've been on the verge of a heart attack because of you. I HATE YOU!!! Over the next 3 months I'll have no access to you, and I hope I can become strong enough to say no to you when I return. I hate you I hate you I hate you! You make me hate myself because of the weaknesses you bring out in me. I've finally recovered from my last binge, and I hope to god that that was my LAST binge, period. I want nothing to do with you ever again. Get out of my life!!!!!

~ October
 
Dear every drug imaginable, thank you for helping, and ruining my life. I have had amazing times and very horrible times with all of you drugs. I'd like to especially thank psychedelics for broadening my mind. I'll add more later...

-dp
 
Dear Degenerative Disc Disease,

You're destroying my life, by slowly taking away my arms and legs, millimeter by millimeter. It hurts agonizingly, even to walk barefoot across the floor, it's so hard to leave my bed, and you send shooting pain down my legs and arms!

I will beat you; I will replace you, so I don't need things to placate the pain someday...
 
Dear Opal,

As I sit here at my desk today, I miss you so dearly that my body hurts. I know, I know, right? How can I miss you when I see you everyday? I know it sounds silly, and awfully romantic, but it's true. I absolutely love you. With ALL of my heart. With ALL of my soul. Without you, I am nothing.

But today, you left unexpectedly. Where did you go? I counted on you and you never showed! I heard from a friend that you wont be in town for another week and I actually cried. I don't know if I cried over you, or if it was over that stray dog I saw on the way to work and thought about how lonely he must be... or that sappy commercial that never made sense to me until today. In fact, I've cried about a lot of things over the past two days that never mattered before. Haha, Opal, listen to me, a love-stricken boy sits here to tell you he would give the world to have you again, and you still wont make me feel better?

And that's the thing, Opal. I have given the world to have you. I've given up my time with family and friends to be with you. Do you remember those nights, all alone while others went out and had fun, do you remember how we used to dance alone in the dark? Just you and me. Alone. Together. Embracing each other in the arms of love and loss of time. I remember it like it was just yesterday. And oh my, how you used to dance. Your movements filled me like sunshine and I knew that neglecting the basics things in life to be with you was well worth it. Do you remember how much I loved you back then? How much money I spent to have you around me? I know it wasn't a proper way to court a lady such as yourself, but I insisted you stay with me.

You see, Opal, you caught me in a good place five years ago. An authentic year of being human. A year where I sought someone like you to make me feel alive. And like magic, that day you stopped by after my oral surgery I KNEW, KNEW you were the one true love for me.

Our past few years have been rough, yes, I'll admit that. We've grown apart. You're pretty demanding these days as well. I thought we spent enough time together in the beginning, but like you said "I did want you around..." If I would have known your demanding schedule back when we first courted, I may have just passed on you all together.

I will, however, take back everything I said and give you my everything for one more dance. Just once more time to feel your embrace. One more whisper in my ear of solace and peace. I need your touch to feel alive, and I need your spirit to keep me going. Right now I feel like I can't do this on my own. We were supposed to be in this thing together, weren't we? I sacrificed so much for you and yet you evolved into a reserved lover. You started holding back your love from me.

Do you remember that night we fought with my girlfriend and I said I would leave you forever? The pain you put me through during that period really left a sour taste in my mouth for you, yet you still beckoned every fiber of my body to come back to you. You even came back to me in my dreams. As crazy as that sounds, Opal, I dreamed of your embrace as much as I thought about you during the day. I knew I couldn't lose you just yet. Not yet. It was too soon. I never got to say goodbye. You still had one last dance with me before I destroyed our dance hall that we created. I snuck you back in my room one night to fuck you once more. Just once. I asked myself what more I could possibly give you that night as you lay in a perfect line before me. And without saying anything, you said everything - "You consume me, I want to consume you. Love me. Fuck me. Need me."

Fair is fair, you fucking bitch. We'll see who fucks who first now.
 
This should be made into a sticky or something that's always near the top of new post list fro those people who think addiction is never going to happen to them. The ignorance often pisses me off. It's sad seeing people being all cocky about addicts trying to recover and then a little while later coming in asking for tips on how to stop their DOC or how to get through w/d. I guess I'm slowly getting used to it.
 
Dear Horse I love to ride,

I am writing you today to tell you how I feel. Not just how I feel at this moment, but also how I feel about you, what you're doing to me, and our one sided relationship. We started out great five years back. It didn't take much on my part to keep the relationship going. It only took a little kiss from you to get me going, and when I did get going, it lasted forever. I still had a life, a girl, a trusting family and wonderful friends. But somewhere down the road, we lost control. I lost control. At first, I thought we were out of control together, but as it turns out, you knew what you were doing to me all along. Now, I have no money, no friends, no girl in my life, and my family can't trust a single word I say. I have nothing left but you, and sadly, that's what keeps me coming back to you. But a relationship is not supposed to be one way. I know that the only way I can get everything back is by saying goodbye to you. Why do you make it so hard? It seems like it should be so easy, but I love you too much. All I have now is excuses and scars, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of you. I have to let you go. Don't be surprised if I don't call you tomorrow... now fuck off.
 
NICE one 100unit



dear roxy and oxy brothers (ha) and kinda you too Xanax,

roxy, it took you and me ahwile to meet but when we did it took me awhile but soo i couldnt go a day w/o you. it sucks because youre a DEVIOUS motherfuckin bitch, always convincing me to blow me money, you too oxy. i think its finally time for us to never see each other again. i got another friend (suboxone, subutex) to help me. and to you xanax, you;ve helped me through many situations but i think we are starting to get too close, its important you understand that we keep our situation purely every 4-5 days at least inbetween, maybe we need to end it for sure too. Thank you for the good times, but fuck you you sneaky ass bastards.

fuck you,
tylerwashere


%)
 
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Dear dopie opie,

You once were my best friend, gave me strength where I thought I never would achieve. Then I started to see that you wanted more, more of me than I thought I could offer - but I did anyway. I gave you everything, thinking that you had the strength to keep me going. You lied to me, you stole the closest things to my heart and made a mockery of what once was a life. It's been awhile and I still miss you, I hate that I miss you and I hate myself for that fact even more. I wish I had never tasted your fake love, you were the girl who stole my heart, dried me out, and left me. The girl I still long for when things aren't the way they should. I hate you, I love, stay the fuck away from me and I pray for knowledge to learn to live a new life, one without you. You may never die, the urge to call you may always be there, but self control must win this war, or you will kill me.
 
mr light said:
well, how bout lyrics to my disease? its more fun, and can be listened to by addicts here! hey maybe its the wrong thread but these lyrics ARE directed at my disease as I hear the music. This is the fucking music i used to get clean off H. and it REALLY helped, especially if I sung it silently to myself as I read these lyrics. I'm clean and partial thanks to Tool.

Tool-Bottom(small part of it)
If I let you, you would make me destroy myself.
In order to survive you, I must first survive myself.
I can sink no further, and I cannot forgive you.
theres no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to
Erase you. Ive gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain. I will use my mistakes against You. there is no other choice.


Tool- The Patient
A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.

Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).

If there were no desire to heal
A damaged and broken man along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.

And I still may ... [sigh] ... I still may.

Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.

And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.

Gonna wait it out.

Tool- H
What's coming through is alive.
What's holding up is a mirror.
But what's singing songs is a snake
Looking to turn this piss to wine.

They're both totally void of hate,
But killing me just the same.

The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.

And I feel this coming over like a storm again.
Considerately.

Venomous voice, tempts me,
Drains me, bleeds me,
Leaves me cracked and empty.
Drags me down like some sweet gravity.

And I feel this coming over like a storm again.

Without the skin,
Beneath the storm,
Under these tears
The walls came down.

And the snake is drowned and
As I look in his eyes,
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of those times.

I could have cried then.
I should have cried then.

And as the walls come down and
As I look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
and will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind.

I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,

And considerately killing me.

***

Sorry if it seems off topic, but it isn't for me. These are my letters to my addiction, and my attempts to understand it and defeat it. I believe these were Maynard's 'letters' to his H addiction he once had supposedly. Or whoever wrote it. These sum up my thoughts as well as they have given me new thoughts about the addiction.

Addicts, please download these songs, listen to them. Eventually they got through to me more and more. Won't work for everyone. But I hope I can help someone with this post.
Click to expand...

Oh my God man, I love you now! I was just flicking through and I found that you had said this, just as I was about to post a bit of H myself...
Considerately killing me. It is beauty. My aenima copy is nearly impossible to listen to now, as I used to listen to it every day... every time I was using.

By the way, the song itself isn't about heroin, it's apparently about the anger he felt that he could not connect properly with his loved ones. And although they were 'totally void of hate', he still could not bear to be with them because he couldn't show his love. I can completely understand that - it can be identical for relationships with both people and drugs in my humblest of opinions.
 
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