Harm Reduction Addicted and need help??? Click here

[QUARE]

Im not addicted to any substance, im addict to getting a high from any substance that could cause euphoria in a positive experience. (ex. I dont like stimulant because they cause anxiety and many other side effect so I dont abuse stimulant), (I love opioids because they relax me, cause euphoria, and relive pain.)

I feel like nothing can be done because if I stop taking one substance, Ill start taking something else.

What can I do with that kind of dependence ?

 

[dankJ]

Watch Requiem for a dream, also watch Candy, these two movies along with your knowledge of drugs should scare you at least for the short term.

i like that you mentioned the movie, "Requiem for a Dream"... it is an absolutely fantastic movie in so many different ways, and as you mentioned, it is quite scary to see the consequences of the mother and son's habits. For years i have joked (kind of, sort of....half joking, half serious...) that a lot of $$ would be saved by school systems/state governments if they did away with the (worthless) D.A.R.E. program and instead, just have kids watch this movie a time or 2. I am convinced that that would be a greater deterrent for impressionable kids than the existing D.A.R.E. program (at least as i remember it as a kid myself....not even certain they still have that program anymore these days..just assuming they do).

Have never heard of "Candy", much less seen it....will have to check it out..hopefully its on Netflix!!


oh and btw...i love your profile picture!! Kramer is AWESOME!

 

[Slum Survivor]

^ in response to the above post ^ Requiem for a dream is indeed a life changing, or at least perspective changing, story. its made from a book, which is much more detailed. i suggest reading the book, and also seeing the movie. I also enjoy the amazing soundtrack. only thing, i dont like how they made the pupils get bigger in the little montage thing when they use. usually they should get smaller. perhaps im over-looking a message they intended with that.



i dont even know where to get help around here without pay a ton of $$ for a sub dr. any ideas? can the hospital help if i get really bad?

 

[bluedom]

I've posted before on "managing your addiction" and I don't think it's really possible for anything that's seriously inebreiating for a real addict (i.e., real alcoholic). I've realised I can't even use marijuana safely. I would say I've been clean and sober for a year except that I've needed bupenorphine to accomplish this. I have taken it very regularly never exceeding my prescription (I usually have stuff left over) for nearly a year. I also take gabapentin and pregabalin (alternatingly) about half a month to achieve an "altered" state. Also, using a nicotine lozenge gives me a buzz the first time I use it after a break (same applies to gabapentin and pregabalin --- if I repeatedly use it the effect goes away, as it did with bupenorphine except that I can stop gabapentin and pregabalin just like that but if I go without bupenorphine for more than two days I start having the sniffles). It now has been 4 years since I've had a drink and about a year for any other substance other than the ones I've outlined. I've found some healthy things I used to love, my passions, coming back to me. I had a rough time getting off the opiates so I kind of end up with a cross addiction that lasted a few months but bupenorphine has saved me. I also get buzzes off valerian, accupuncture, etc. All in all I do feel I have some control back. Anything more than the mild buzz you get (from say a nicotine lozenge or some valerian or bupenorphine) is too much for me I've found.

So my point is that is for those who crave the altered state but then go crazy with things like alcohol, opiates, and even marijuana, there are some safe alternatives. For me, it was accupuncture, gabapentin, pregabalin, valerian, and nicotine (lozenge, not smoked). All these end up self limiting in that if I take too much I lose the euphoric feel I get from first use so I am forced to take breaks. I don't seem to feel WD from any of these on occassional use. I suppose I could get addicted to these too but after 4 years of experimentation I feel these are the ones I could live with without wanting more at the same time give me enough to expand my consciousness. For visual highs, I have a lot of cool strobes and lasers and light effects set up (including this really cool "rainbow glasses" which makes everything look SO trippy---it LOOKS like an LSD high when you look at different lights, sunsets, etc.).

 

[brutus]

Oh yea, wouldn't it be a good idea for those with addiction stories to post them and how they got clean or how they are trying to do just that?

Funny that I said that about 5 years ago and all of a sudden had the revelation to create such a thread.

 

[Opana Man]

After being addicted to opiates myself, and seeing lots of people go through addiction I thought this this forum could do with a sticky on how addictive certain drugs can be, how to avoid getting addicted, and if you already are, how to get help.

Addiction is real and very very common with these kind of drugs, you can try and plan as much as possible to avoid getting addicted but you can certainly still get hooked. Hopefully having this thread in everyone's face will make people think twice and do their absolute best to avoid addiction, as it can ruin lives, destroy careers and ultimately kill you.

The main categories of drugs with very high potential for addiction are as follows:

Opiates:
Heroin
Fentanyl
Oxycodone
Hydrocodone
Morphine
Poppy pod and seed tea (make no mistake, this can be as addictive as nasal heroin)
Codeine

These are the most common opiates, usually prescribed for pain. Opiates are incredibly addictive and habbit forming and you also risk death by using large doses.

Stimulants:
Methampehetamine - Crystal, Ice, speed
Amphetamine - oldschool speed, very rare
Dexamphetamine- ADD medicine, lots of uni students use it to study with
Cocaine

This is the 4 most commonly abused stimulants.

Benzos:
Valium (diazepam)
Temazepam
Clonazepam
Xanax
Lots more

These are some of the more common benzos, usually prescribed by a doctor for muscle spasms, cronic anxiety and sleep issues, usually only for short term use.

Another warning, Benzos withdrawal can kill you and can be far worse than opiate or stimulant withdrawal. It will lower your seizure threshold can if you suffer from epilepsy will guarantee you need to do the detox in professional medical care.

Alcohol
Alcohol is generally far less taboo than the above drugs but it is more toxic than most of them and can be just as addictive in certain types of people. If you are planning on getting clean, be careful that you don't accidentally replace the addiction with alcohol.

Alcohol withdrawal can be similar to benzo w/d causing seizures and if you are in deep death. Don't forget that theres also roughly 90 calories in a single shot of vodka so this can contribute to being overweight more than your diet if you drink everyday.

Opiates and getting treatment:
No junkie has ever said 'I plan to get addicted' even if you have read 100 stories of people getting addicted and you have a fancy plan of how to use and not get addicted, you probably still will succumb eventually.

The first signs of addiction are withdrawal, you will have flu like symptoms, pain in your legs, depression, anxiety and often become suicidal until you have your next dose.

The best way to get rid of an opiate addition is to catch it in the act, hopefully the majority of you reading this will be at this stage, you aren't hooked but you are starting to realise its inevitable. To beat it at this stage you can start by increasing how many off days you have, then start either tapering the dose, or replacing it with a weaker opiate and constantly lower the dose.

Drug such as benzodiazapines, soma, anti-histamines, lopermide etc can be used to treat the withdrawal symptom via stopping the depression, helping with sleep and helping diarrhoea/stomach upsets.

Another great drug that stops the vascular bounce back caused by masses of adrenaline and testosterone spiking is clonidine, this drug will greatly reduce the sweating, cold/hot flushes, irritability and inability to sit still, it will also make you kind of sleepy. Clonidine has absolutely ZERO potential for abuse and any doctor will be willing to give you a basically unlimited script. 200ug taken a few times a day will half the symptoms you get, it does however make you very lethargic and totally stops your dick from working.

If you are in deep and using daily going on to a legal opiate such as suboxone or methadone is probably the 'easiest' treatment, however they can be just as hard to break as you drug of choice.

Most opiate users simply cannot use opiates recreationally, a single dose is often too much as the next day you will want to dose again. I highly recommend you avoid opiates if you suffer from anxiety or depression as when you quit theres a very high likelihood you will worsen the depression making it far harder to quit.

Getting help in the U.S.A.
SAMHSA Drug and Alcohol Treatment Center Locator - This link is great for finding centres in all of North America
SAMHSA Buprenorphine Physician and Treatment Program Locator
SAMHSA Home Page
http://www.na.org Narcotics Anonymous Main website
Also, you can call this number 1-800-662-HELP (1-800-662-4357) for assistance.

In Michigan, SEMCA offers assistance for paying for treatment (not applicable to Buprenorphine doctors, as far as I can remember). When I entered treatment in 2007, their assistance program made it so that I only had to pay 10% of the actual costs. How much you have to pay depends on your financial situation. This is especially good for those of us who do not have insurance to cover the costs. In 2009 when I re-entered treatment, I paid nothing and was in treatment with other people who also paid nothing. This shows that your financial situation greatly affects how much you pay. In 2007, I had a full time job and paid 10%. In 2009, I am unemployed and had no co-pay what-so-ever. - sixpartseven

Getting help in Australia
Drug and Alcohol Services SA
Eastern Drug and Alcohol Services - VIC/NSW
Direct Line 1800 888 236 - Counseling, detox and maintenance in Melbourne
Alcohol Tobacco and Other Drugs Branch - QLD
-Damascus Health Services - Suboxone, In/Out patient treatment of alcohol and Rx dependency in Brisbane
Drug and Alcohol Office - WA
http://www.na.org.au Narcotics Anonymous SA


There is also a great section in this forum called The Dark Side, they have put lots of information in that section for help with problems like these, so I hope this is a stepping stone for some that want to quit.

Tips for staying clean
Get a decent job or go to university/college, if you find something you like (most people will) then stick with it and put as much effort as you can into it, its a great distraction and when you learn something you can get great satisfaction out of it, a great mood elevator and gives you a natural buzz.

Having a regular job also forces good habbits into you, eg not staying up to silly hours for no reason and you can't rock up to work with a bad hangover/comedown.

Whilst I realise this is a simple 'solution' for getting clean and will not work for a lot of people (you might already have all of these) remember you are still a step ahead of someone who is in the same position without a life goal. Having a motivation to get up in the morning and try and get clean WILL help you, any help is worth while, no matter how minimal it is.

Watch Requiem for a dream, also watch Candy, these two movies along with your knowledge of drugs should scare you at least for the short term.

Work in progress
This is all for now, I will attempt to keep updating the post with information, and eventually links to free services to get help in various countries. If anyone could post some great links to getting help with these kind of drugs that would be fantastic, or even if you want to just post up some of your own material on details/how to avoid addiction. Any constructive criticism is also welcome.

edit: updated the opiate section

In the US, drugs are put into Schedule II (CII) for a reason (High risk of dependence and addiction......
Under Opioids:
Dilaudid/Hydromorphone
Opana (Numorphan)/Oxymorphone
Demeral/Mepiridine
Neither were mentioned. OM was the #1 choice of the IV commnity in the 70's wich is why it disappeared until recently. (That was the "Blues" mentioned for a second in drugstore cowboy)
Mepiridine also is one of only a few opioids that contain a toxic metaboliite, so even if you do a ton of H AND GET AN EQUIGESIC DOSE of it, the metabolite can screw you!!!!!!!

Stimulants:
Ritilin/Methylphenidate
Also note that Methamphetamines (Dysoxin) ages the brain by a factor of 50

Benzos:
Versed/midazolam

The shorter and stronger a benzo, the bigger risk of seizures when come off extended use. have Depakote/valpoic acid in your system to reduce risk of seizure if quitting benzos

Alcohol:
effects the Kappa opioid receptor and Heavy vitamins and potassium(banannas) help to come off (in hospitals the hang a "bananna bag" be careful though and try to wean your way off

 

[RedRum OG]

i had been on bluelight for years before i started doing dope. id heard the horror stories, i knew the facts and what i was getting myself into. i did it anyway because a real addict is an addict before they find drugs. if that even makes sense. i was so desperate for relief by the time i found dope it was too late and i dove right in.

while this thread still a nice thing to do, and i guess might help some people, im guessing for your average developing addict it is about as likely to stop them as a frog stopping a moving car. its unfortunate theres not more we can do, but thats the way it is.

 

[Mr.Scagnattie]

i had been on bluelight for years before i started doing dope. id heard the horror stories, i knew the facts and what i was getting myself into. i did it anyway because a real addict is an addict before they find drugs. if that even makes sense. i was so desperate for relief by the time i found dope it was too late and i dove right in.

while this thread still a nice thing to do, and i guess might help some people, im guessing for your average developing addict it is about as likely to stop them as a frog stopping a moving car. its unfortunate theres not more we can do, but thats the way it is.

Well, I mean that's really what we face with this whole site. Are the chances of us convincing people not to do drugs at all high? Not at all unfouranltey, which is why we at least try to make it safer for them, the purpose of Bluelight. But, even if we can reach just 1 person out of 1000 who reads one of these threads and decides not to go down that road, we've done our job and I would call that a success.

 

[dopemaster]

I think it is hard to reach people about the issue of addiction but if any of my posts discourages one person from walking the road I did it would make me feel better.

I got addicted to opiates after getting injured. I had a bit of a habit, but it was not giving me problems. I was using about once a week in terms of opiates and really watching everyone around me getting hooked bad. I did not use the needle at that point.

Well after my injuries things started to look rather hopeless for me and I turned towards daily opiate use and IV use. It had just gone downhill from there. I do not ever catch a buzz even. I still get sick though. I really do not enjoy the way I live but pain and withdrawal hold me here.

I have been rx'd benzos for years and those actually really helped me. I have had very nasty panic attacks since childhood and it stopped them. So for years I was doing just fine. I had gotten into it with alcohol a few times and my first detox trip was at 20. After getting my benzo dose worked out, alcohol was no longer a problem for me.

Anyways like I said I was doing just fine really until I got hurt. Then at that point I got access to a lot of pain meds. Its really a double edged sword because I turned to abuse rather quickly. I am not sure if I would rather be unable to write or using. Its kind of a toss up.

I cannot get on methadone and I have tried. The catch is that I would have to come off the benzos and go back to that crippling anxiety. I would move across the country or the globe to be on methadone and still get my anxiety medicine. I have tried it before and I found it rather effective.

I have tried quitting cold turkey and I was rather unstable emotionally after getting clean and very dependent on sexual relationships. I couldn't handle the pain or the emotional unstability.

But I guess I dug my own hole and really I do not see much of a way out of habituation and addiction. I think even without the pain issue I would need a maintenance drug. I am quite positive I do not have it in me to function without opiates. I just don't have the will. Even if I was to get clean and I have done it, I experience horrid physical pain and emotionally I am a wreck.

Now if I just had not stuck that needle in my arm, I think I would be better off. I have been trying to get surgery and find treatment centers that will treat someone who is on benzos. I know there is a serious medical risk of combining methadone and opiates. Personally since benzos never came me any type of buzz its a risk I would be willing to take, but no doctor I have met will.

So yeah I am stuck on pain management and its a bitch. I hate to say it, but I was more miserable being injured and not on pain medication so I do not know what to do.

I really hope someone can look at the obvious mistakes I have made and maybe some of the delusions I have about my use and realize its a bad place to be.

Also I would not mind any suggestions or links to a treatment center that allows people to be treated for pain and anxiety. I sure am looking for one.

What I feel would be ideal for me would be to get on methadone and to be able to stay on my medication for anxiety.

I guess the only thing I really want out of life is to have kids and end the cycle of abuse that drove me to chronic anxiety and raise someone that would make the world a better place. I honestly do not think I have much of a future and do not expect much out of my life.

If I have a day were I do not suffer, that day is a tremendous victory to me.

 

[FunctionalGirl]

When you see shows like intervention, addicted, and movies like candy, requiem for a dream, etc, or read books about rockstars with crazy heroin addictions, you think that can't happen to me, especially if you haven't had a rough childhood. I do have parents that are together. I do have a normal childhood, a middle class family, and parents who love unconditionally, with good jobs. I never went hungry, I'm in college and my parents are paying for it. Often people assume that you have to have been abused, molested, orphaned, or a bad kid to become a heroin addict. In reality, heroin can consume anyway. Heroin doesn't care about what you look like, where you live, how much money you have, your reputation; heroin is an evil drug with evil intentions of taking over your life and haunting your dreams. I'm reaching out to those who already are addicted. I've been addicted for a year, although I was clean for two months this summer. My story is unique, but I'm sure there are others who have been through something similar.

I dated a guy in high school who showed me heroin for the first time. It was my freshman year of college and I drove to the shore out of pure loneliness. I had roxies, he had dope. He said it was the same thing, so I tried it. Little did I know, a year later, I would be a full blown needle junkie. When my parents found out after my roommate found a syringe in our bathroom, they were frantic. They didn't send me to rehab, just sent me to study abroad to Barcelona for the summer. I don't know the thought process either, but they didn't know how bad I really was, and I promised them I'd get clean. So I took subs and they drug tested me, and managed to stay clean all summer. Last summer was fantastic, although I did get cravings. The night I came home, after 2 months, I relapsed.

Now, I'm living in college, day by day, continuously shooting up heroin and using every penny I make at a supermarket cashier job to feed my addiction. I know how to stop, but now I'm worse than I was before. I can't stand the constant withdrawals, every morning. It's horrible. But for some reason, I can't stop. I don't want to hit a bottom, that's retarded. What if I'm dead before I hit a bottom? I have always, like I said before, felt selfish for being a privileged drug addict. But now I realize, it isn't my choice anymore. I have lost friends, I feel as though I can't function without the drug, socially, mentally, physically, and need a way out. I'm just scared. Which is why I came here. You all seem open, and helpful. I'm hoping to receive some advice and stories similar to mine. And am fully willing to give some in return. Sorry for the novel, and thanks to everyone.

-Best of Wishes, L

 

[Bojangles2.0]

Now, I'm living in college, day by day, continuously shooting up heroin and using every penny I make at a supermarket cashier job to feed my addiction. I know how to stop, but now I'm worse than I was before. I can't stand the constant withdrawals, every morning. It's horrible. But for some reason, I can't stop. I don't want to hit a bottom, that's retarded. What if I'm dead before I hit a bottom? I have always, like I said before, felt selfish for being a privileged drug addict. But now I realize, it isn't my choice anymore. I have lost friends, I feel as though I can't function without the drug, socially, mentally, physically, and need a way out. I'm just scared. Which is why I came here. You all seem open, and helpful. I'm hoping to receive some advice and stories similar to mine. And am fully willing to give some in return. Sorry for the novel, and thanks to everyone.

-Best of Wishes, L

Hey FunctionalGirl,

I've suffered from opiate addiction for the last 7 years. And you sound like I was earlier on in my addiction. I was a cashier like you, in college, and completely lost. I was confused, and full of conflicting desires. The desire to use, to get clean, to live, to die. It was a messy, sad, awful existence.

Now I can go on trying to sound like we have a lot in common. I use to be a cashier too (when I was in college). I use to go to work everyday either in wds or too high to count my money (which I eventually got fire for). I come from a normal middle class family. My mom and dad are awesome parents. They had, and still have no idea how to deal with my addiction. Everyone in my family is fairly successful and none of them have had any problems with drugs or alcohol.

But for every 1 thing we have in common, I can find something we don't have in common. Like being molested when I was younger. Going to prison for 2 years for maintaining and operating a CDS production facility. Trying to commit suicide in college and going to a psychward (although I eventually finished my degree).

The one thing I can say for a fact, that we do have in common, is opiate addiction.

And I'm not going to fear monger, or try to scare you away from heroin. That obviously doesn't work. I can't tell you how, when or if you'll ever get clean. But I can say this. Suboxone saved my life. The first 90 days on it were hard. Although I didn't physically crave opiates, my mind craved them. But after I was on sub for 6 months... I started to feel a lot more stable, a lot more focused, and a lot more confident about my life.

After 1 year, I reached a point where I felt "free" and in control of my life. Even though I was fired from my job, I was working out and learning basic business and marketing skills. I'm not sure why. But I decided I wanted to do something "big" with my life. I wanted OUT of the rat race, and I wanted full control over my life. So I managed to start 3 small, but successful businesses. I became well versed with marketing, and managed to make a lot of money for myself.

For the first time in my life, I thought "wow, if I can accomplish this much by breaking the cycle of getting high, and still being on sub... I wonder what I can accomplish once I'm fully clean?"

I managed to gain a better life on sub, than before I ever started using opiates... which was weird.

And I managed to taper from 8mg down to .25mg, over the last couple years.... with 0 discomfort whatsoever.

But then something weird happened. And I felt like "great, now I have money, I have friends, girls like me, my family respects me again... but". But something was still missing. I was hard to identify what it was. But I think a part of me felt like everything was fake. Like SUB was the reason I got my life in order.... sub was the reason I had all this new found motivation.... and I kept looking for reasons to deny that *I* had anything to do with improving my own life. THATS how fucked up addiction can be. Its always looking for a way to sabotage a good thing.

So 3 months ago I started using again... after 3 years taking nothing but sub. I started taking opiates, started taking xanax, smoking pot, and now I'm in the process of stopping everything but the sub. The opiates I stopped rather quickly (out of fear), but I still have xanax and pot left to tackle.

WITH THAT SAID, this shouldn't be about me. This should be about you. And my advice to you, is to STOP thinking. STOP attaching meaning to things. STOP thinking about how hard you think its gonna be to stop heroin. STOP questioning whether or not you really want to get clean. I challenge you to just clear you head, and make *1* constructive decision in your life. To keep things as simple as you can. Just stop thinking, put the needle down, and go back to a sub doctor. But this time try to make it 90 days on sub, without using heroin.

I promise you, if you can get that far, it will distance you from heroin for long enough to start fearing it again.

You need time on your side. And thoughts will aimlessly pass through your head, whether your clean or sober. Nobody knows what their next thought will be. But you CAN control your next action. If you can learn how to step back from your own thoughts, that feeding frenzy of fear, and make just >>>>1 radically new decision, you CAN get yourself back on track.

A lot of people say its bad to dissociate yourself from life. If you ask me, I think its one of the most useful tools a person can have.
The ability to "meditate" on command. To press the "stop button" anytime you need to.

Everytime I've gotten my life back on track, thats all I've really done. I pull the plug out and literally force my body (without thinking) to do something its not use to. And after I do it, I realize "damn, I can keep doing this... and I really don't have to turn it into such a big deal afterall".

We live in a very strange and primal society. There is no cure for addiction. Many trained professionals still have no idea how to treat drug addicts. Methadone programs are a great example of this. Most people on methadone are still getting high. Many people stay on it for 10-20 years shuffling back and forth between heroin and other drugs. And I'm not saying that suboxone is the cure. But at least it makes it more difficult to get high. Nor does it leave you nodding out like methadone does.

I personally don't believe addiction is a "disease". I believe its a symptom of the real disease... which is society.
Every few years the DSM comes out with new diseases and problems. More ways to divide people and keep them from feeling normal, so they can load us up on drugs and make a profit.

I also believe that people who identify themselves as addicts, start to behave more and more like addicts the older they get.
Thats why I've been very careful to internalize myself as an addict.

Maybe I am an addict. Maybe I do have a disease. Maybe you have a disease. Maybe the real disease is life. But whatever happened to free will?

I'm allowed to make a decision anytime I want.

And so are you.

I can decide that today I want to live without drugs.
I can decide that I'm not going to shoot dope.
You can make the same decision.

There is no magic formula involved. No will power. No motivation. All it involves is you not doing 1 thing (picking up a needle) and taking action (getting back on sub). THATS ALL. Don't expect anything. Don't blink, don't think, just act.

Maybe you won't feel like yourself for a few months, but there WILL come a point where you feel wings growing on your back.
And you'll think, "I might not be free from opiate addiction, but at least I'm free from heroin". And I promise you, it will be one of the best feelings in the world. Better than sex. Better than getting rich. You'll feel in control over your life. And that is something you can NOT put a price tag on.

Anyhow, good luck. I really wish you the best.

-Bo

 

[FunctionalGirl]

Hey FunctionalGirl,


And I'm not going to fear monger, or try to scare you away from heroin. That obviously doesn't work. I can't tell you how, when or if you'll ever get clean. But I can say this. Suboxone saved my life. The first 90 days on it were hard. Although I didn't physically crave opiates, my mind craved them. But after I was on sub for 6 months... I started to feel a lot more stable, a lot more focused, and a lot more confident about my life.

-Bo

Thank you so much for the helpful advice. I have a friend who went to rehab and got on suboxone before. Although I don't think he truly wanted to be clean, so he found it very hard to come off of suboxone in rehab and told me never to take it. But we're very different people. The only issue is with insurance. My parents currently don't know I'm an addict, which sounds dumb as opening up to them should be the least of my worries. But I'm 20 years old and it would be awesome if I could just pay for my own suboxone visits. Do you know the cost? I've considered this before, but hearing reassurance helps out a lot.

You need time on your side. And thoughts will aimlessly pass through your head, whether your clean or sober. Nobody knows what their next thought will be. But you CAN control your next action. If you can learn how to step back from your own thoughts, that feeding frenzy of fear, and make just >>>>1 radically new decision, you CAN get yourself back on track.

-Bo

I constantly struggle with this. I know you said just step away, put the needle down, and stop thinking, but I find that although my parents are wonderful like I mentioned before, I did inherit a blessing and a curse- thinking too much, having our minds take control. I will make one decision. The fear is still there and I find it hard to remove, although I envy your ability to disassociate yourself.

Thank you for the advice, it really, really does help. Just knowing others have been through what I have, and that there is a way out. I always thought I didn't have control since it's physical, but I know I ultimately do have free will. It's just about choosing to end this lifestyle.

Thanks again, I wish you the best of luck with your struggles, you seem like a strong, confident, and capable person, and with those traits, you can literally go anywhere you put your mind to--and because you've already been through it, this seems like just a bump in the road for you. Keep me updated, and I appreciate any info about the sub issue as I am quite the newbbb.

-L

 

[FunctionalGirl]

And also--what are some meditation methods? How do you distract yourself from thoughts? And, regaining new friends: was this a struggle for you? How did you deal with that? Thanks again. You are an inspiration.

 

[Blind Melon]

I cannot get on methadone and I have tried. The catch is that I would have to come off the benzos and go back to that crippling anxiety. I would move across the country or the globe to be on methadone and still get my anxiety medicine. I have tried it before and I found it rather effective.

I have tried quitting cold turkey and I was rather unstable emotionally after getting clean and very dependent on sexual relationships. I couldn't handle the pain or the emotional unstability.

If I have a day were I do not suffer, that day is a tremendous victory to me.

Dopemaster, you're telling my tale. Essentially the very moment my body began puberty things went drastically wrong with my hormones. It could be a lot worse, I could be a Pony trapped in a Panda Bears body, for those people I feel true sorrow and pity. Anyways. Every since puberty I have been living in permanent "Fight or Flight Mode". That's been 14 straight years of clenched/spasm/cramped muscles, excessive sweating, hair standing on end, crippling anxiety, frequent vomiting and diarrhea, insomnia that stretches on for weeks if there is no chemical intervention... I truly think of myself as handicapped. And it's made all the worse because if you were to look at me you'd say shut your bitching, you're way better off than the rest of us. But I'm just not. My insides are filled with jagged, hurt, paranoid holes. Thank God I don't suffer from schizophrenia. I see these people with one leg or massive disabilities living successful lives, yet I cannot meet a new person, not even somebody I'm looking forward to meeting without either vomiting first or taking narcotics. Same goes for job interviews, dates, family get togethers, everything. And this all started YEARS before the Opiates/Benzos. How can I give up the cure to all my ailments? I actually went through the pain (in every sense of the word) to Cold Turkey 195/mg Methadone a day for 5 days before hopping on Suboxone with the understanding that my doctor was going to begin treating my anxiety. He started me on an Anti-Depressant (first off that's fucking retarded, I'm not depressed, I'm miserable with the conditions of my life). When I explained to him how said SSRI only made me more anxious, more sweaty and less likely to fall asleep (which is already a treat when it does happen) my Dr said to stick with it a few more weeks, that those side effects would likely wear off. They didn't. He switched me to a different SSRI? Yeah Confused me too. Again, it didn't work. Actually made things worse, to be totally honest. So then he finally gives me Gabapentin, which did help my crippling anxiety only problem is the medication only made a dent in my demons when triple dosed. I've been prescribed three different medications for off-label purposes when my doctor has over 15 medicines designed for specifically helping people like me live normal, productive lives. which just blows my mind. Could you imagine a doctor prescribing Acne medication for CHX Pox? That's about how much sense giving somebody with unimaginable Panic Attacks/EGAD/Insomnia/Social Anxiety an SSRI makes. I'm not sad, I'm fucking frustrated with feeling like my body needs to explode and I can't figure out why my bitch ass drug dealer, excuse me, doctor, won't prescribe me what he agreed to prescribe me when I started seeing him. FUCK!!! I gave up my Methadone, the only thing that made my life manageable when I knew it was a bad idea. But I gave it my fucking all. I think I'm just going to lay it all out there for him. I don't think I have a choice, my self-medicating is getting out of control.

 

[dopemaster]

^
I have had panic attacks long before the drugs came into play. I to would vomit from anxiety. I would feel embarrassed for no reason and be embarrassed that I was embarrassed. I was always very tense. A lot of it had to do with my father abusing me physically and yelling at me. Even to this day yelling really bothers me.

I have tried all the different psych meds. I couldn't stand SSRIs. I never had clinical depression, just anxiety and panic attacks. The only type of medications that would work for that were benzos. I have been on klonopin for ten years and it works very well.

Anyways I had already started turning to drugs and alcohol for relief. Alcohol was my main substance for a long time and I smoked a lot of pot. I was an alcoholic by 16 and drinking heavily daily. I was somewhat functional at that time, at least making good marks in school, but I was a nervous wreck. I don't think I am an alcoholic because since being on the benzos I never really had problems with drinking. I just had managed to get myself physically dependent on alcohol.

Once I got injured I got put on CPM and still am on it. That is not working out well for me. I do get enough pain relief to keep me on it and I really enjoy being able to write again. My injuries made it so I couldn't type or write for a long time. But as far as the pain meds, the relief was too little, too late. So I had already turned to abuse by the time I reached a reasonable dose.

I had tried to get on methadone and was shown the door once I told them I was rx'd benzos. I have tried methadone as I have tried pretty much every drug, so I know it works pretty good for pain. I know that there is the risk of respitory depression with benzos and methadone combined, but still I would rather that risk than to be strung out on opiates. The main problem with opiates is that its never enough. I can barely get well and take the edge off the pain, I don't think I will ever really be able to catch a buzz. I am ok with that, but I find myself in constant withdrawal and often running out of medication and really no choice but to either get sick or to find some.

I really do not like suboxone. I gives me very nasty side effects like headaches and body acne and there is no way I could be on that for my life and once again there is the whole benzo issue.

I guess I feel like even if I want to do the right thing, I will not be able to. At the dose of benzos I am at, it would take years to come off and it seems rather stupid seeing how horrid the anxiety I experienced before them was.

Also most methadone clinics are privately owned and don't take my insurance. They treat some people on low doses of benzos, but cap the methadone dose at 40 or 50. They have also told me they don't treat pain. I really don't think that amount of methadone would hold my wd's and once I get on methadone I would be fucked in terms of receieving treatment for pain.

I wonder if the laws are different in other English speaking countries, because I sure as hell have nothing keeping where I am at. I know benzos are the only type of medicine that works for my anxiety and given the choice between opiates and benzos I would have to choose benzos.

I know my pain medicine is not working well for me and I find it very hard to know I could feel better for a while, but suffer in the long run. So I feel like I really have no way out. I would get on methadone in a heartbeat. I cannot even get my dose changed of my pain medication as it is relatively high.

I had built up a tolerance over the years taking opiates recreationally and I was getting some for back pain. I was taking more oxy before I got it prescribed than I do now. I just had more money back then and it was cheaper.

But I guess I truly do feel trapped. I certainly have learned the hard way about being honest with doctors and psychiatrist. I really don't know what to do but to stay on what I get. It seems like that's about the best I will ever get legally. So I feel absolutely fucked and really now I am losing my faith in God. Hope kept me going for a long time, but I really just feel hopeless. I am not going to hurt myself or anyone else, but the whole situation just makes me feel awful.

As far as doctors writing meds off label, I find it absurd. The thing is that when new medicines come out doctors are often given "incentives" to prescribe them. That's the main reason they do not often give you whats going to work. The whole notion of giving someone something non-narcotic is always better is absurd. I remember getting Depakote off label and having to have my liver checked twice a year. So it was worse for my health and certainly did not work. But hey its not addictive.

I made the choice to get off the psych meds and my doctor did drop me. I went through about 4 or 5 shrinks till finally my regular doctor would give me the medication I am on now. I works for my anxiety. If I had left it up to the shrinks I would be on all sorts of anti this and anti that. Anything but something meant to treat what I was actually suffering from.

 

[starlyte2]

I was on ...nearly everything you can think of, from the age of 13 with needles added at around 20. Then I got nicked, dried out and left the UK. My "clean" period lasted quite a few years, but I fell ill, and, just for luck, caught an infection, a staph in my top leg bone, from a fucked up biopsy. I finished up with no hip joint, one leg 10 cm shorter, and an enormous morphine prescription.
Of course I fucked up with the morphine, needles again and ended up seeing a few doctors each month...for 8 years. And of course I got found out, and sent to the local tox clinic.
That was the best thing that could have happened, to be honest.
With the morphine it took me a couple of hours every morning to get my first fix, my veins were non existent. I'd tried swallowing it, but it didn't work quick enough. It was 8 years of hell!
The doctor was really easy to talk to, I told him everything, he understood, which was a first time for me.
He put me on Fentanyl patches, a dose high enough to stop the pain and the WD. After a year or two I reduced the dose, 75µg, which was really low for me.
But old habits never die. I had a few fixes of coke from time to time, then a car accident. Things go well with coke, but not driving, in my case. I didn't kill anyone, luckily, but with my leg already fucked up, I was in a lot of pain.
A doctor, not my usual one, upped my Fentanyl to 275µg. And the shock from the accident woke up the staph in my leg as well.
Not to mention that I was a nervous wreck after the car crash.
So, 6 years later I'm stuck, on 325µg of Fentanyl, Valium, and sleeping pills.
I tried cutting down the Fenta, I control the Valium, and sleepers OK, but this damned Fentanyl is a bitch to get control of.
Sometimes, as I never fix morphine now, I think it'd be easier to go back on it, swallowing my capsules, and cut them down. But it's not a possible choice.
In my 20's I'd have been happy with a script for opiods, but now it just pisses me off.
Funny how we don't always get what we want

 

[jamiel]

I need help!! Ive been on off hydo and oxy i have lopidine gabapentin valuim and visteril how do i take it what do i do i need to work hi im new

 

[Pqkiller]

Hi guys, just a quick one. IV 1mg fentanyl is holding off withdrawl with my heroin addiction and need to taper down but my iv supply is up. Have duragesic 25 and 100's any advice as what and how to use? Thanks guys, in need and appreciate it can't stop working

 

[Trippingballz]

Was curious, is there such a thing as going to rehab for meth, but still allow you to use marijuana? Even if it was only CBD, I would totally be cool with that, but even as I sit here, unable to break this horrible habit, that I know can eventually kill me one day, I still think I may have done some sort or damage to my nerves, or done some sort of damage to my blood vessels. I feel like marijuana has always helped with feeling better in general and especially with my anxiety. I recently tried more CBD vs THC products and feel a big difference, not all high but feeling better, and having less anxiety and social issues, way more beneficial to thc. It is my understanding too that CBD plays important factors in helping major disease and illness. This is why I want to keep using marijuana in general to help with anything I could have. I just want off meth but at same time I think most rehab places make you quit all substances including marijuana and scoff at the idea

I used marijuana successfully for 14 years now,probably 10 years everyday with no problems

Meth on the other hand I have used 8 months to 1 year, been to the ER 4 times, have had lingering problems in my body from use, and has flipped my shit upside down almost immediately from when I started.

Any info would be appreciated, hope I posted in the right area

 

[Snakevillon]

Daily sub user here. Using heroin whenever my mind forgets about how close to passing out/death I came the time before. I used to drink a pint with a bundle, but I haven't drank with my D since I the last time I puked on my mother's bedroom floor on my knees, praying to a god i don't believe in to keep me alive, and consciously monitoring my breath. Notice I said "the last time" because this has happened a lot in my life and in the lives of most of the junkies I know. You take too much. No junkie is perfect. I'm here to say opiates are fantastic. I love them. I used to come here when I was 14, 15.. because I believed I could tame drugs. I believed we could control drugs. And that is what I thought Bluelight was all about back then. I thought I was becoming a part of a great, enlightened group of people that partook in the alteration of the chemicals in their brains. I thought we were all here to say we're doing it! We're using and we're happy because we're educated!

Awesome club. Flash forward to age 22 and the cheap little $10 Oxy Contin 20s, and $20 OC 40s, turned to $35-$40 OC80s, and those cheap little OC80s quickly turned into $80 OC80s. And those $80 OC80s turned into Opanas. Those great Opanas turned to 80 dollar Opana 40s. Then those finally turned into heroin. And by then my tolerance was already so high that I needed a bundle of dope to even (hopefully) come close to the 1 to 2 Opana 40s that I had been using daily. That bundle of dope a night quickly turned into a bundle of dope + a pint of cheap vodka each night. This was the only way I could possibly match the high I had been chasing for so long. And this finally turned into me overdosing, quite frequently. ODing isn't fun. Your powerless. Your high. Your delusional. You believe you could die. And your not too far from death. It could happen with that last bag. Finally, ODing frequently turned into me being forced into taking Suboxone to live a normal life.

This place was supposed to enlighten me. I thought this place was full of open minded people just like me, that used dope and had fun with life. I'm writing this to say damn, I am sooo fucking enlightened its not even funny. Great club. No girls allowed apparently. I don't get laid so much, what with the no money and the heroin addiction.

On the other hand, I do enjoy using my DOC, just not the addiction and everything else that comes with it. Having to rely on another person to pull you out of complete restlessness, fatigue, depression? Having to rely on another person that sees you as a dollar sign. When that person or those person(s) are sometimes completely unreliable, and can blow you off, or rip you off whenever they want? Or get busted. And then your shit out of luck if you want to feel good anytime soon. Its not fun kids. Its not fucking fun. Your buying a substance that speeds up all your happiness, condenses it all into short little bursts, and leaves you without any until you buy more fix. Rely on someone else, and pay someone else, to be happy. Thats what your doing. Thats what you'll be doing the rest of your life if you don't stop the cycle. And stopping is never going to be as easy as stopping. Because you can easily not try something, and never do it again, right? That makes sense right? But once you try something, its always there. Its always a memory. Its always available. You can be clean for a month, or two, and go right back into a full fledged addiction. That is the cycle. Your withdrawal, your depression, your anxiety, your troubles, they all turn into a reason to use, even if you've been struggling to stay sober for months.

If I want to go to the movies with a cute girl, I have to think about how talkative, and how "happy" I want to be, before I leave the house, and I need to take a dose of my suboxone accordingly. I literally have to dose out my happiness because of my physical and mental addiction. When you look back on everything, 4-5 years happens very quickly, and while your busy chasing dope and having fun, your life kind of passes you by. It doesn't wait for you to pick up your pieces and fix yourself up. Before you know it, you've been chasing after a high for 2, 3, 4, 5 years. And here is another little shocker you might find out later in life if your a young kid, with a nice girl/boy friend, in one of your 1st long term relationships: If your "in love" with someone right now, and you both use opiates together regularly, & they are the 1st partner you've had that you've shared opiate use with, try taking the opiates out of the equation, and see if your still in love in a month. Try it. See how fast things slow down to a screeching halt. This drug completely changes you when your high. And if you and your boyfriend/girlfriend are high 90% of the time your together, your relationship is heroin. Its injected with heroin. And you may need to take the journey for yourself to figure that out for yourself, but eventually you will. Your relationship is heroin.

When you hear about pot "taking kids away from things they once loved" you can laugh that off, go ahead. But don't think that you can laugh at heroin doing that. Opiates can end up doing that. Once you are addicted to dope, it becomes increasingly more difficult to deal with things like anxiety, depression, etc, when you do not have any of your drug. Try scoring in a job interview without a bag in you. If you've been using regularly, look in the mirror. Thats what the world sees when they look at you. Your face is blotched up, inflamed. Your nostrils and your cheeks around your nostrils are red, you've got raccoon eyes, your not getting a job if you've got the face of an addict. When you look in the mirror, you see all the signs... You pull down your eyelids, your eyes widen when you realize you've been rubbing your face raw, you've got dry skin... The rest of the world doesn't look away and take a shower. The rest of the world thinks your sick, or your on drugs. Girls, your health shows through your makeup. Your health is whats under the makeup.

And take it from me: If your thinking "No, I've done hours and hours of research. I've done DAYS and days of research. I've read TONS of 1st hand accounts. I know how to control it. I can control my use" I used to be YOU. I used to be you, and you CAN'T control it forever. I promise you that. Addiction slips into your life slowly. Unannounced. Below your radar. Everything stacks up and up and up until its too late. Your not a romanticized junkie, a great philosopher. Your not a genius. Your an opiate user, and soon to be addict. Get out while you still can. You cannot break your rules ONCE with dope. But you will. You will eventually. Slowly. & You will lose your emotional identity. You will lose what you thought your personality was. This drug changes your personality. This drug changes who YOU are. This drug changes your emotional identity. This drug will take away your confidence when your without it, and it will have you doing things when your high on it, that will embarrass who you thought you were, GREATLY, when you are not high on it.

Once you are addicted, the MAJORITY of the time, You will NOT want to be an opiate user. The MAJORITY of the time, you'll wish you didn't have to use. In fact, eventually, that "wish" turns into you begging and pleading with yourself to not use. See, a paradox shift occurs, when you are becoming a true addict. When you are using on a daily routine, or on an every other day schedule... When your high, you will want with all your heart to STOP using. Eventually, getting high will be the only time your not weak, sickly, mentally distressed. Oh, but everything becomes so clear when your high! Your going to stop! Your going to taper off! Your going to do this with your life next! And your going to do that with your life after that! You feel amazing! You can tackle anything! But in reality, the next morning, you'll wake up just as sick as the morning before, and the morning before that, and you wont be able to resist that drug. And that is what the rest of your LIFE will amount to if you don't stop flirting with this demon right now. And you'll go through phases where every high is your last high. ahaha. When your sober or sick, all of your plans will be grand schemes. Grand banquets! Your going to buy XX amount tomorrow, and that is going to be the last time your using! Or your going to buy XXX tomorrow, and that will surely be the last time! But that doesn't come true. Then, when your high, ohh, all of your plans will be so self liberating and so strong. You can do this! This is definitely a good high to "go out on!" This is it! You'll remember this one for months! This is a great last bang! Your not getting ANY tomorrow! Good luck with that.

And ask yourself this... I am a very articulate guy, right? I like to write. & I seem at least mildly educated, right? I'm not dumb. I'm not an idiot. Then why... Why, after writing all of this to you... WHY will I still try to buy dope tomorrow? Even though I know all of this. Even though I've been at this game for years. Even though I'm writing this to help you, reading this, from becoming an addict.. Why would I write all of this and still use?? Because I'm an ADDICT! I'm an addict and the sacrifices I have to make to get my fix come one at a time... Each one is a tougher and tougher rock to swallow. But they also add up over time. So think about this when you go to score next time if your just starting this. Think about how your going down the same road millions before you have already gone down. And we all eventually admit that its not a good road to go down. Its a stupid road that ruins you. I'm begging you to please switch habits. Smoke pot. Drink. Do what you have to. Just don't purposely allow yourself to get yourself addicted to dope. Its not worth it. Its not a beautiful struggle to someday overcome. Its not a comfy and cozy struggle that you will plan to overcome in your future. Its much, much bigger than yourself. Bigger than you can even imagine. Your not getting away with doing something that the sober kids close their minds to, or that the stiff kids just dont know about. Your going to ruin your life. Your going to ruin yourself.

I feel this is all the truth. You won't find me in threads like this much again, unless I'm asking for help for myself. You'd probably more easily find me hanging out with the people that are like me, comparing stamps, "enjoying" myself. Well, "enjoying" myself by having a laugh with other dope heads, or comparing stamps... That might look like fun to you. But remember this post when you see my other posts. Because this is exactly whats underneath it all. This is the back story of a lot of us that are "having fun" in the dope threads. Its not fun. Addiction is not fun. Its not an interesting experience lol. Its not like doing an innocent research experiment on yourself. It changes you for the worst. It changes your life for the worst. You can try to make the best of it.. You can continue to use, you can stay happy enough to survive as long as your not sick. but underneath it all, don't idolize the life, don't falsely romanticize addiction. Don't think you can tame it. Everyone is different and your knowledge doesn't ensure that your the type that can control a very addictive drug. Assume the worst like all those kids that never touched drugs did. Remember those dope threads with all the "happy" junkies? Those junkies have lives that can easily be described from what I wrote above. That is what is behind the exterior "fun" of this addiction. The pain, problems, and suffering.

I'm 22 years old and this is exactly the point I am at it's crazy and Erie how exactly the same are stories are I mean exactly alike drug progression hydro oc opanas dope and ages and years useing attitude everything and I am currently mostly on sub but I still do dope 6 -8 times a month damn jus thought I should say thT