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How to help partner with depression

It's not about dicksizing (and yeah guys, thanks for your super useful contribution there), it's about saying it's not that simple. Because it's not simple at all. Depressed people aren't "just being jackasses," and I think it's pretty fucking insulting to suggest so. People legitimately end up in places where rational thought stops working. When you're there, you're in no place to consider whether your actions are really hurting other people. That's what I'm trying to impress here. You can seriously be not right in the head. It doesn't matter what anyone tells you or does, it's not going to change anything, and you're not able to comprehend things appropriately.

I'll be the first to tell you that depressed people need to help themselves and certainly cannot rely on anyone else to make them feel better, but it's bullshit to suggest that the best course of action is to tell someone they're being a jackass if they're having a legitimate psychological crisis. People need support, not insults. If after a while, the support isn't making a difference, like I said, you just have to step away. If the person won't help themself, nothing will change. But it's still not right to say that they're "just" dicking around.

It has been my experience that people that have never been there can never understand, and my sample population is pretty huge.
 
Beatlebot said:
Thanks for your diagnoses, Z, but I'm going to stick with my doctor.

I know from my very own experience of being both that there is a difference between being depressed and being a whiny bitch. The two don't necessarily have to go hand in hand.

It's good to support people when they are depressed, it is also good to call them out and give them consequences when they are being a jackass. Telling people you don't care what they do because you will be dead in a few days is clearly in the jackass catergory, I don't care how depressed you are.


The only thing I can "diagnose" you with is being a jackass in this thread.

Christ, what is your problem?

If you dont care how depressed this person is, then maybe you should just tell them that?

What do you mean by dicksizing exactly, btw?

I have had depression for many years, so you can take your bitchy attitude and shove it up your arse BB. The last thing anyone in that state of mind needs is an ignorant moron who is too stupid to know whats going on in their loved ones head.
 
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O HAI, a trainwreck-- a cautionary example for anybody considering a life built primarily around being an untrustworthy cunt. <3

Do you meet the diagnostic criteria for clinical depression? I'm sure you do; So do I. I'm confident that we aren't the only ones. Anything other than that-- stuff like "well I've been hospitalized" "oh yeah, well I've tried to kill myself", "oh, I did that, like 5 times!!!" is counterproductive, and it looks tacky(though that's never been a problem for you-- maybe you can't see it).

As if being more depressed than somebody else makes you more qualified to dispense information about how to get out of depression, anyway. 8(
 
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rant*N*rave said:
It's not about dicksizing (and yeah guys, thanks for your super useful contribution there), it's about saying it's not that simple. Because it's not simple at all. Depressed people aren't "just being jackasses," and I think it's pretty fucking insulting to suggest so. People legitimately end up in places where rational thought stops working. When you're there, you're in no place to consider whether your actions are really hurting other people. That's what I'm trying to impress here. You can seriously be not right in the head. It doesn't matter what anyone tells you or does, it's not going to change anything, and you're not able to comprehend things appropriately.

So what's your point? Are you trying to say that everyone should just tiptoe around mentally ill people indefinitely? Because I've been there and that sure as hell doesn't work either.


I'll be the first to tell you that depressed people need to help themselves and certainly cannot rely on anyone else to make them feel better, but it's bullshit to suggest that the best course of action is to tell someone they're being a jackass if they're having a legitimate psychological crisis. People need support, not insults. If after a while, the support isn't making a difference, like I said, you just have to step away. If the person won't help themself, nothing will change. But it's still not right to say that they're "just" dicking around.

I never said anyone was 'just' dicking around. I'm sure she has a legitimate depressive problem, that's not in dispute here. I'm simply suggesting that being depressed doesn't give someone a free ticket to also be a jackass without consequences. Sorry, the whole world doesn't just come to a stop because you (or anyone else) have depression. You seem to think that people should be given unqualified support and if that doesn't work they should be abandoned. I think people should be supported, challenged when they go too far and confronted with the truth before being abandoned if things don't get better.

I guess I'm just willing to go that extra uncomfortable mile. Maybe that's why I feel so much better these days :)

So we disagree, that's all. There's no need to go putting words in my mouth or discounting my experiences.
 
Beatlebot said:
So what's your point? Are you trying to say that everyone
should just tiptoe around mentally ill people indefinitely? Because I've been there and that sure as hell doesn't work either.

I'm simply suggesting that being depressed doesn't give someone a free ticket to also be a jackass without consequences. Sorry, the whole world doesn't just come to a stop because you (or anyone else) have depression. You seem to think that people should be given unqualified support and if that doesn't work they should be abandoned. I think people should be supported, challenged when they go too far and confronted with the truth before being abandoned if things don't get better.

I guess I'm just willing to go that extra uncomfortable mile. Maybe that's why I feel so much better these days :)

Bloody oath. Well said.
 
To OP,

You should be commended on sticking by someone you love when the going gets tough. It's just like those commercials say, depression hurts everyone. Listen with compassion and HEAR. Sometimes we get caught up in our own selfish desire to have our good ol' fun loving SO back, but those times will come. If she is talking to you about her thoughts and fears, then she wants help. If she didn't want your help, she would keep these thoughts to herself.

I would give all the support that I could, and make sure that I'm getting the support that I need. You can give and give and give, but you still need to receive or all those giving "juices" will be all dried up. Find good friends, lean on family(if you have it), and do stuff for yourself. Make sure you're nurtured too.
 
Beatlebot said:
So what's your point? Are you trying to say that everyone should just tiptoe around mentally ill people indefinitely? Because I've been there and that sure as hell doesn't work either.
No one should tiptoe, but the first course of action should not be to tell someone that they're being an asshole if they have no control over what they're doing...

I never said anyone was 'just' dicking around.
Let's see...
It's good to support people when they are depressed, it is also good to call them out and give them consequences when they are being a jackass. Telling people you don't care what they do because you will be dead in a few days is clearly in the jackass catergory, I don't care how depressed you are.
Again, people do stupid shit when they're really out of their head sometimes. Sure, the behavior ain't nice, and it pisses people off, but it's not right to judge it. My best friend and I both have depression issues, and we've damn near ripped each other's heads off for doing and saying some really awful shit to each other, but we're lucky enough to understand each other pretty well and know when things are simply out of the other's control. Sometimes you have to put the criticism aside. You can sure as hell still feel upset about it, but you should not project that onto the person. It won't help. The criticism can be saved for later when it will be constructive.

I'm sure she has a legitimate depressive problem, that's not in dispute here. I'm simply suggesting that being depressed doesn't give someone a free ticket to also be a jackass without consequences. Sorry, the whole world doesn't just come to a stop because you (or anyone else) have depression.
It doesn't give you license, but that doesn't change the fact that it's going to happen. Again, we're talking about total loss of rational thought here. You wouldn't tell a schizophrenic to just stop being such a dumbass for listening to the voices in their head. *Really* depressed people do *really* stupid shit, but it's like blaming someone in a coma for pissing themselves to put some sort of judgment on them.

You seem to think that people should be given unqualified support and if that doesn't work they should be abandoned. I think people should be supported, challenged when they go too far and confronted with the truth before being abandoned if things don't get better.
I don't think that at all. I agree with the second sentence for the most part, but I do think you're missing the issue of times when the person is completely not in touch with reality. Jumping down their throat about behavior will simply make them withdraw even further, and it will play into their self hate. Now *once they've gotten a little bit better* (although obviously not necessarily completely better), for sure, bring out the big boy words and tell people when they're hurting you. It can be hard to realize you're doing it when you're depressed, and we all sometimes need those harsh reminders, depressed or not. But that should *never* be the first course of action. Ever.

So we disagree, that's all. There's no need to go putting words in my mouth or discounting my experiences.
I'm not putting words in your mouth, as evidenced by the quote, and I'm certainly not discounting your experience. You're wise to realize that depressed people can't just always be treated with kid gloves. They'll never get better if people do that, and you learned that personally, so you would definitely know. But what you obviously must have never experienced is a *total* loss of control due to depression. If you had, you would know exactly what I'm talking about. It's a very fucked up and strange thing, and I can't even begin to describe it to someone that hasn't been there. I thought I was just a seriously fucked up human until I met some other people that had been in the same place. Looking back at the times in my life when I've really been down the hole, I can't even comprehend the shit that I did. I can't even think of or even conceptualize what was going on in my mind to do the stupid things I did. And I can definitely look back and see times when I was just being self-indulgent and/or wallowing in anger and self-pity, and there's a difference between those two states of mind. In the self-absorbed times, I knew what I was doing was bad, but I did it anyways because I just didn't care and was an asshole. But when I've totally lost it, like I said, I don't even know why I did the things I did, and I had no comprehension of it at the time. It's important not to lose sight of that very important difference.

When you're dating someone, it's usually best to assume the worst at first until some sort of progress has been made. If you don't, it's likely you're going to do something very hurtful rather than helpful. And unfortunately, sometimes people don't make progress. When there is no progress, you just have to leave the relationship, because it will only drag you down in the mess. But you do have to at least try at first, and trying involves being considerate and aware of the fact that a lot of behavior may not be intentional. People repeatedly bringing up suicide obviously have something very wrong going on...

The only thing I think we disagree on is what the best starting point is for approaching this kind of situation. I assume that often people have no control at that point, you assume that they do. We're both coming from our own experience... But I can at least definitively say that *sometimes* depression can completely kill your logic.
 
rant*N*rave said:
And unfortunately, sometimes people don't make progress. When there is no progress, you just have to leave the relationship, because it will only drag you down in the mess. But you do have to at least try at first, and trying involves being considerate and aware of the fact that a lot of behavior may not be intentional.

Very well said!

Depressed people are not in their right state of mind... best thing you can do for them is try and help them tap into their happier thought processes. Definitely don't be so jovial that you drive them insane because they have no idea where you're getting your energy from. But be calm and collected, reasonable. Remind them of things they used to enjoy. Spend time with them - without acting as if it's a chore, or as if you'd rather be somewhere else - you want to be around them because you genuinely care about them. Be nurturing and acknowledge their problems... offer suggestions that may help fix them. Crack a light joke, if it's appropriate. If they smile, point it out. That kind of stuff.

I do recognize that there's only so long anyone can be expected to do this for , but it's just basic stuff that is surely more helpful than being coldly confrontational about the way they're behaving. Fair enough, if you've been supportive for weeks / months on end without any signs of progress (it would become taxing), however I think it's best to at least try and help before we jump into potentially make things worse, no? :\
 
What everyone basically seems to be in agreement on is that depressed people, no matter how hard you try will remain depressed.

Do you press on into inevitable failure? or do you do yourself a favor and move on with your life?

In my experience, depressed people aren't worth my better mental and emotional health.

Ultimately the choice is yours to make every single day that you continue on with this person.

Good luck.

:)
 
^ I don't agree with that at all, personally. Most people will have a depressive episode at some point in their lives, but that doesn't mean they're stuck with it forever.

I admit I couldn't remain in a relationship with a chronically depressed person (been there, done that, and he's now dead after talking about it regularly for years... not going through that again, if I can help it). However, that doesn't mean I'd jump ship on my current partner if he spiraled into a depressive episode. I'm confident that he'd snap out of it, probably in a fairly fast period of time (it's in his nature), so I'd definitely be there for him as much as I could, and be patient with him.
 
Fair enough, but you know what?

I was with a depressed person for ummm 5 to 6 years.

I've known him ten years. He is still out of his mind.

I've moved on and don't feel any the less for it. My life is infinitely more joyous and satisfying in every way emotionally.

I'll never waste another few weeks, months, or years with a depressive again.

Is it right or nice? I don't care.

:)
 
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