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Bluelight dads - I'd love to hear your experiences

My immediate answer is yes :\

My secondary answer is "but I don't want to lose him!", which is kind of pathetic.
 
I think you know what you want to do. Neither choice is going to be easy. But you are already a mom, you know you are a good mom. If it's what you choose, I think you will be okay.

That means a lot coming from me, because I'm a pretty big advocate of taking the A way out if the person isn't ready. I don't particularly get that vibe from you though, even from your first post I picked up that you wanted to keep it, thats why I posted that I thought you already had made up your mind.

I definitely see where he is coming from, but I don't think it was right of him, if he is THAT against a possible pregnancy, to not have worn a condom, I don't care if you were on BC or not. It doesn't matter, he should have protected himself. My original posts on this topic were made thinking you were on BC AND he had worn a condom and this baby was magically made somehow anyway (that actually was how my ex fiance was conceived, no lie, he somehow got through BC pills AND a condom, amazing huh?).

The fact that he wasn't responsible enough to protect against this possibility makes me now believe he needs to man up and support you in WHATEVER you choose. I hope he will.

*hug*
 
There is nothing like a child to celebrate what is good in the world. I think you know in your heart what you want to do, and I wish you all the best in listening to it.

Love can happen again for you, a child, once lost, is gone forever.

x
 
True, and if it were me, I'd kinda resent the guy if I had an abortion for him. An abortion is such a huge horrible thing to go through, I mean I'm okay with having had one, but if I hadn't done it *for me* maybe I wouldn't be, you know?
 
anna! said:
My secondary answer is "but I don't want to lose him!", which is kind of pathetic.
Yes it is, but at least you are being honest with yourself.


And personally, I think you have already lost him, which is not necessarily a bad thing.
 
^ I tend to agree :\

TurkishPepper said:
There is nothing like a child to celebrate what is good in the world. I think you know in your heart what you want to do, and I wish you all the best in listening to it.

Love can happen again for you, a child, once lost, is gone forever.

This is exactly how I feel, thank you.

In thinking about it, what annoys me so much is that not having a child is such a passive way to go about 'saving the world'. It's not as if he walks everywhere, uses organic products, takes an interest in world events, turns lights off when he leaves a room, etc. It seems like such a cop out. If he was a really earthy, green, harmonious person I'd be more appreciative of what he is saying, I think.

I am gradually coming to terms with what the reality would be if I were to go ahead with the pregnancy, and it is incredibly scary but also heartwarming.
 
And personally, I think you have already lost him, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

I think so too.

In thinking about it, what annoys me so much is that not having a child is such a passive way to go about 'saving the world'. It's not as if he walks everywhere, uses organic products, takes an interest in world events, turns lights off when he leaves a room, etc. It seems like such a cop out. If he was a really earthy, green, harmonious person I'd be more appreciative of what he is saying, I think.

I agree. Nothing wrong with not wanting a child, well.. just because you don't want one. I can understand the whole, not wanting to add to overpopulation, not wanting to bring a child into the fucked up world, etc. standpoint.. but for me, I don't want a child because I just don't. I love living my life just for me and I don't feel there is anything wrong with that. I'd respect him more if he just said that was how he felt too.

I am gradually coming to terms with what the reality would be if I were to go ahead with the pregnancy, and it is incredibly scary but also heartwarming.

I think you know if you do it, you will be okay. :) <3
 
anna! said:
Thanks Liz <3

We spoke at length about it last night, and his stance is 100% "I don't want to contribute to the human race because it's fucked and I hate it". He doesn't want to live life thinking that he's contributed to a bollocks society.

I don't think that's a good enough reason for me :\ My kids are what is good in the world, not bad. The kind of happiness they bring is what makes the other bullshit bearable.

:(


Very OT but I gotta ask why this guy would be making a big deal about having this extended wold trip thing when he thinks the world is shit?


I had a drunken christmas conversation a few years ago which I have never forgotten, about absent fathers- with my then husband's step father's ex wife.

She had 4 kids in total, apparently to 2 fathers, 2 marriages.

But one of the family secrets was she was having an affair with her first hubby's brother and her second child (my exes step sister) wast the brother's kid.

She justified it by saying that it didn't matter who the father was, they were just a sperm donor, and she wanted another baby when her hubby was working away and not able to make a "deposit".

That baby girl, who is my close friend regardless of my divorce, has had a very fucked up life as a result of not having any idea her dad was really her uncle, and no clue as to why her "daddy" - her mums hubby- didn't like her.

I really don't think for a moment anna! would get pregnant deliberately, thats as bullshit as the guy not taking any responsibility if it happens.

If this dude really did think the world is shit, its because of shit like him who don't do anything to better it.

Is he like this with anything thats got any responsibility about it?

Sounds like you already had 3 kids to be honest, you're just trading one overgrown crybaby for a smaller, less painful version :\
 
I didn't have a clue what I was doing when I had my first two kids,(I have 4 in total) I just went along for the ride, this guy sounds more clued up on the "reality" of it. Thing is tho it actually isn't that bad, so long as you have a positive outlook.

He may well be afraid of the perceived responsibility, the fear of being stuck with a kid.

Is it a question of fear of commitment do you think ?

As to having no money , well I've never had money thus I didn't feel the need to purchase everything that the consumerists say I ought to have done.

I am of course not exactly a role model type father, but then again who wants to be?

Be yourself Mr Anna I reckon & don't worry about it.

Sleeplessness is the preserve of the mother as a rule - misogny is cool when you're 90% asleep ;)

I'm certain your baby will have a happy & fulfilling life whether you or both of you rear him or her :)
 
Thought I would update this :)

I had booked in to have an abortion this coming Wednesday, with the keen suspicion that I would run screaming once we got there. I was not at all at peace with the decision and basically spent my time lying in bed, hoping the answer would magically come to me. I guess I was hoping for a miracle - that he would change his mind, that I would be more courageous, something like that.

Anyway, I'd been having some bleeding, and he and I went in to the emergency department yesterday to have it checked out. The baby died a couple of weeks ago. We could see its little arms and legs, but it measured far too small and had no heartbeat. I was surprised by how much the SO cried.

Now I have a week to miscarry on my own, otherwise they'll book me in for a D&C next week. I am devastated by the loss, but in a way also relieved that the decision was made for me. Now I have a whole new set of emotions to contend with.

I don't even know where to begin with the relationship side of it, especially as he has made plans to have a vasectomy in the near future and I am sure I'm not finished with baby making. But that is another story for another day.

Hope you're somewhere happy, little baby <3
 
Sorry to hear that, but it might have been a (sad) blessing in disguise since you were already on the fence about it. :(
 
Anna <3

As much as we would like to lull ourselves into the false sense of security that we have ultimate control over our futures, we are reminded when dreams go away that we, in fact, don't.

I hope your future will be brighter once the lamenting has run its course, and I am very sorry for your loss. :(
 
I hope you're getting the support you need from your immediate friends and family, anna. What a heart-wrenching situation for you.

I understand it was possibly a blessing in disguise, but at the same time I really do feel for you and can't fully appreciate the sense of loss you must be left with. Best of luck in recovering from this. <3
 
Sorry to hear that anna - it's surprising how powerful such emotions can be - even in "disinterested" blokes.
 
A week to miscarry on your own? Oh dear.

My sister in law had this exact thing happen, if the pain and bleeding dont stop and get worse please do not wait the week. Go back to hospital.
 
Well, because the whole situation made me want to kill myself, actually.

Thanks for all of your thoughts. I feel completely out of control and am not sure which emotion I'm going to feel from minute to minute. Some counselling probably wouldn't hurt.
 
Sad news indeed anna. My sincere sympathy to you. I'm glad of the past tense in the first sentence above - sounds like you would get some benefit from counselling. You can get a referral from a GP for up to 12 sessions with a psychologist that is covered by Medicare (in case you're not sure where to find a counsellor)
 
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