//Could a mod change the title to "meditation + tripping = Drugs Way Strong!" ? thanks
It was about midnight. I sat quietly for a few minutes trying to decide whether taking this drug was going to help me further my understanding of life and my ability to relate to it and add to the beauty of the earth, or impact me further into the nightmare existence where we're faced with a choice between mccain and obama and enlightened druggies break from inanition only long enough to craft a new pack of self-lies. I reached no conclusions.
I picked up the "bullet" snorting device I had enlarged to deliver 10-15mg bumps of 2cb. I hesitated, thinking of how most all internet druggies say that you 'should' just eat phenethylamines, or that they were 'meant to' be eaten.
Then I tapped, flipped and snorted a bump into each nostril. This was the first time I have ever used a bullet to snort, and I think it worked really well- I felt an even distribution of powder in all my sinuses, when snorting usually tends to deposit everything in a lump somewhere.
It tingled for a second, not unpleasantly, then began to burn. I don't snort a lot of stuff, so i don't have much to compare to, but I don't see what the big deal is. It was uncomfortable and mildly painful (3-4 on a scale of 10). I sat cross legged, allowing myself to feel the pain. My eyes didn't get watery or anything. I can't say how long it was I sat, probably around 10 minutes. I decided that when someone on the internet says 'should' or 'meant to' you gotta filter that through the fact that they're just a person typing bs on the internet. Then, the character of my thoughts began to change.
It began to feel like the drug's burning was removing dust and cobwebs from my head. The confusion and laziness that I deal with daily were leaving me, but along with this new clarity which I consider an effect of all hallucinogens, came 2cb's specific character. Into the clarity and 'vastness' within my head, great spurts of crystal honey introduced themselves. Very pleasurable, cool, and interesting in their own right, I didn't want to play with prismatic distortions of a combination of my field of vision and thoughts.
So I began to 'meditate'. I've been trying to spend half an hour or so every day paying attention to my thoughts and life for about two years, but i've never tried it on a hallucinogen. I closed my eyes and was pretty easily able to stop the playtime-festivities and enter a state of deep thought.
My hearing seemed to become acute, I could hear the quiet nighttime noises of at least four other apartments, the individual voices coming from two different parties about a half a block in both directions from my location, the nice noises of cars moving slowly on my street, the sound of the waves coming from the beach, the air conditioners in the alley, and crickets outside all at the same time. Now I say 'seemed' to become acute because I know I can hear all that stuff regularly, but now I was 'calm' (tripping) enough to take it all in at once.
I also became more aware of my body. I could feel different parts of my lungs when I breathed, my heart beat a regular cadence, and I could actually feel where my face is asymmetrical/nose broken/ eyesocked slightly chipped/ from getting beat up when I was much younger. Also something is wrong with one of my eardrums.
My thoughts found a place inside myself that I don't know how to label. It is what I was looking for. At times it feels like deep emotion in my chest, at other times it feels like a gaping hole. Sometimes it is a great weight on my back, and other times a hot fire. I was looking within myself for some sort of constant that I could anchor myself to in the storms of emotion and perspective that blow me all over my life. I looked within this unexplored realm and found what I can best describe as a void or hole of some sort. This was exactly why I took drugs tonight, to look in this hole and see if something was in there that I could find and hold onto in my life. I went into it to look, and saw that the sides were like an improperly supported corner of a fort or something. The edges weren't square and there weren't triangular supports to keep them square if they had been. These 'edges' were the different facets of my life- work learning and relationships, play and love.
Upon this close inspection it seemed like I had found what I was looking for. "what I had been searching for was within me the whole time" But what I found was a lack. It is up to me to make there be something within myself, or to rebalance/reshape it to have meaning. And there is no star to set my course. It's my responsibility to lead in my life, there is no one to follow.
So I laid in bed to go to sleep. My attention would drift from my feelings and awareness to the distractions of fantastic auditory and closed eye visual hallucinations. It would sound like there was a drip deep within my head, like water or the 'crystal honey' and the noise would echo from the chirpy drip to bounce off everything in my awareness echolocation style till it was the deep sound of not only my neighborhood but probably the whole city; in the same mindblowing style a few pretty curved lines in my imagination would multiply and divide until they were one pixel wide guilloches in a visual representation of that sound at the resolution of my imagination. But as soon as I noticed myself falling into these reveries I would direct my attention back to my feelings; those hallucinations felt too much like being charmed into a state of foolish contentedness.
When I woke up today at the crack of 2:30pm I was still able to feel the weight within my heart, so I don't consider the experiment a failure. However, I can't help but wonder if these basically risk-free inner journeys are analogus to masturbation, in the sense that masturbation can release a little bit of your sexual tension while keeping you in your house, isolated from the real world and true satisfaction/growth.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far!