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Does this actually happen often? Or is it just me...

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rant*N*rave said:
So for about the billionth time, someone very close to me (this time a boyfriend) simply stopped calling. I left a couple voicemails/texts and a facebook message in case he lost his phone (which happens a lot), and now it's been over a week since I heard from him. I know he's around and alive and well because I saw some pictures of him from a friend from last Saturday (at a bar right near my house nonetheless), and he's been updating his facebook page. W. T. F.

We had known each other for a few months, had been dating for two months, and had been "seriously" dating (per his terms - he asked me to be his "real girlfriend") for a month. And now he's just dropped off the face of the earth. The last thing I heard from him was a text message saying "I miss you hunny xoxo," and now he won't return my calls. We hadn't been in a fight, and I can't think of anything I did that would have inspired this sudden change in opinion - I was in a different city for 3 days after the last time I saw him, so...

And this isn't the first time this has happened to me. It happened with my first boyfriend, two of my best friends, and a few other people that I thought I was pretty close to. This absolutely fucks with my mind every time because I feel like I did something wrong, and I'm already struggling with PTSD from severe trauma as a child, which pretty much gets triggered every time this happens. I have panic attacks, I can't sleep, yada yada yada. It's driving me fucking nuts. It really has me seriously considering suicide, because I already don't trust people, and to have this happen AGAIN... fuck... If everyone I get close to is going to do this to me, I'm simply not going to be able to survive it and remain anything near sane. Are people really that selfish and stupid everywhere? They can't even give me a reason so I can stop blaming myself and going endlessly over and over again every possible reason WHY? (Why why why why why...?)

In not a single instance did I see it coming. These are people I truly loved. I was really starting to fall for this guy - he treated me like a queen, and far better emotionally than any of the abusive and/or fucked up assholes I've always seemed to find myself with. I actually cried in front of him not long after we started dating (it was sort of his fault, but largely my head problems), and he just hugged me til it was over and apologized profusely for setting me off. I couldn't even believe it had just happened, because no one had ever in my life been that sensitive to my needs before. Ever. Literally. And especially so soon in a relationship. And now... wtf...
maybe somebody you know told your partner something that isnt true, and that made them feel like they have to drop you?

you say this happened multiple times. maybe the same "friend"(s) has done the same thing multiple times?

just a guess
 
You don't have to trust people, it isn't necessary to get through life.

Exactly, thank you!

I think it's a huge common misconception that you do.

A lot of people make a mental attachment between trust and connection. I don't think there neccessarily is one. I have had intense connections, friendly or otherwise, with people I didn't trust at ALL. There are also many levels of trust. Most people I know I trust not to... I don't know, try and KILL me or something, but I don't really trust them in my house alone with my money jar sitting on the counter.
 
RNR, you know I like you and had a great time hanging out with you last year. I found you to be a very pleasant and friendly person.

I am not going to stand on some moral high ground and say I've never done anything harmful to a partner or an ex in an emotionally charged situation.

Your boyfriend of three months didn't call you back for a week of being bombarded with messages. He finally responded with the truth, that he had met someone else. He certainly should have had the courtesy of telling you before the fact.

But instead of allowing yourself the chance to accept the reality that your 3-month relationship had come to an end, you pulled a move that I can only charitably describe as an Internet SWF stalker act of incredible malice. If I was one of the women who received the message, I would advise your now-ex to have you served with a restraining order. What you have done is called "cyberstalking". You have done it through of all things, Facebook, so you've left a paper trail.

Just because your ex is a cheating jerk does not give you the right (or even justified in any manner) to harass him and contact complete strangers in an effort to damage his reputation. Libel and cyberstalking are crimes. How would that look to someone who wanted to hire you and saw that on a background check?

And while I'm not going to get into a pissing contest over bad upbringings and mental disorders, you have had it pretty fucking cushy compared to a lot of people. I am well familiar with PTSD, panic and anxiety as I suffer from the latter two in addition to treatment-resistant depression. Consider yourself lucky that you had the advantages you did.

I know you are a better person than this. You need to take ownership of this, forgive yourself, and make a covenant with yourself that no matter how badly someone treats you, you are not granted a divine right to contact complete strangers in an effort to ruin the reputation of someone that hurt you.

Please contact your therapist immediately and ask for his or her help. Exercise some self-control. This is beyond "immature" or "retarded" (a word that you shouldn't throw around so much) -- this is the kind of thing that could land you in a place that makes the psych ward look like Disneyland.

I hope you can move forward from this.
 
Like I said, I did it while trashed and not in my right mind. I said that's not an excuse. I know it was poor judgment. I snapped worse than I have since I was 14... Again, not an excuse, but it is what it is. I was clear-headed for about 2 hours yesterday, and I couldn't believe what I had done. I've been a complete mental case since Saturday, so much so that I got kicked out of work, and the only reason I'm not in a psych ward right now is because I want to see my therapist first, which is happening tomorrow. I've been zoning out online and doping myself silly just to keep from harming myself. I'm physically ill over how upset I am. I'm probably gonna check myself in tomorrow afternoon after leaving my appointment. I dont' know why shit got this bad this time. I thought i had my life together. I even had a 3.8 in school last semester without trying very hard.

Don't you think I know this is fucked up? It fuckin hurts that I know I'm so fucked up right now and I can't even manage to pull my own shit together...

And fyi, he wasn't bombarded with anything. I left two texts and two facebook messages over the course of a week, most of which was in response to his last messages to me...
 
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I couldn't believe what I had done.

Don't beat yourself up about it at all, please. We've all had our moments of going a little crazy. Especially us girls. It's hard being a woman in this world. If it helps, I've done some bad stuff before. Before I was in this empowered place I am now, I did LOTS of psycho stuff. lol

I had an ex who treated me like total shit. He wasn't abusive just a completely blind, unappreciative jerk, a little disgusting too (he didn't bathe). When he broke up with me, I literally crawled at his feet sobbing and begging him to love me. Why? Because I had no self esteem at the time and had handed over ALL my power to him. Well needless to say he wasn't impressed with my pathetic ass, and when he rejected me, I got REALLY mad and socked him in the face, giving him a bloody lip. I've never hit anyone in anger any other time in my life, and while the bastard deserved it, it certainly wasn't my finest moment. Although it did feel good. ;)

We all have our moments. :D
 
rant*N*rave said:
I've been zoning out online and doping myself silly just to keep from harming myself. I'm physically ill over how upset I am. I'm probably gonna check myself in tomorrow afternoon after leaving my appointment. I dont' know why shit got this bad this time. I thought i had my life together. I even had a 3.8 in school last semester without trying very hard.
..


Sweetie, don't let someone have so much control to ruin your life. Like Deja said, we've all done stupid stuff. I've done it myself. I dated a guy who I found out was married and never going to leave his wife. I not only found out he was seeing me with a wife, but 3 other girls. I found his wife and sent her an email with proof of his infidelities. Not my best moment, but I was hurt. We do dumb stuff! It's all part of life.

I really wish you wouldn't allow this man to ruin your awesome GPA and everything about you. Please tell yourself that you are above all of this.
 
to answer your question:

no, it doesn't happen often. except to you. but you keep letting it happen.

you say you have a best friend.. except for my boyfriend i don't have one of those. at least you have managed to keep one of those. i haven't. but i'm ok with that.

rely on yourself, not others to boost you up. whatever fucked up upbringing you claim to have had, others have had worse, many in THIS FORUM, and fared better. you keep blaming others but not yourself. ultimately you control yourself and the way others respond to you. for someone as intelligent as you claim to be, you have no emotional intelligence. emotional intelligence can be learned just as other things.

i've met plenty of people who excelled in school but their personal lives were a disaster. your gpa won't get you far in life if you can't manage your relationships.

i find this attitude interesting

I'm pretty damn argumentative and downright fucked in the head after the fact. Wouldn't you be?

whenever something rotten happens to me, i usually think 'what's wrong with me' not fuck them! yet another one fucking me over! i truly feel that if something keeps happening to you over and over and you see this repetition from different people it is something you are putting out and no amount of denial will fix that. the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, right? try going against your grain now and then.
 
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The thing that I've noticed with people with various disorders and mental instabilities, and I mean nothing harsh by this, is that new people be it a guy dating girl with these problems or in any other combination. Basically person A with date person B with the disorder and they get freaked by the anxiety or emotional instability, they stay around long enough to get a hint there's something not right and they bounce and run away, in either fear, or to save themselves possible future stress. Sad to say, but people don't like dealing with baggage.

If it's happened to you "a bunch of times" as you state and if that's not an exaggeration, and it's happened with friends as much as with dates, and you claim you're suicidal over something such as this, then sad to say the answer is yourself. You might be allowing these instabilities to shine through, and frankly, in a relatively new (under a year) relationship, that can freak some people out. Regardless of what people say, their emotional investment can vary.

But that's not something to feel worse over, IF (and i say if b/c i don't know) it has anything to do with you as a person, then you can then work on the issues that might send these people fleeing.

Or.. you could just be surrounding yourself with assholes or people who use you. Which again, better assess your judgements of people.

I dunno, I just thought I'd try a more honest approach rather than patting you on the back and telling you "you deserve better". "You deserve better" never did me any good, it never made me look at myself and my faults and not in a "beat yourself up" kind of way, but detached, analytical, but critical.. in order to be constructive.
 
If it's happened to you "a bunch of times" as you state and if that's not an exaggeration, and it's happened with friends as much as with dates, and you claim you're suicidal over something such as this, then sad to say the answer is yourself.

Absolutely. And it doesn't even have to be anything she's doing. Sometimes we give off vibes that other people pick up on without even realizing it. They may not realize it either.
 
^^^ Above comments are all very good and again come back to the point that the only constant in all of one's interactions is oneself. And while it may seem harsh, most often the things we don't want to hear are what we most need to be told.

I hope you'll gain something from this experience by examining what part you had in creating it.
 
What this guy did sucks, but I think you need to pull yourself together now and keep things in perspective.

I know this woman at work, real cool lady, recently turned fifty. She got married to some guy thirty years ago, walked down the aisle and said vows with him, had three children with him and now he's just left her for a 25 year old. She spent thirty years with this guy, you had three months. Keep things in perspective.

Yes this shit happens, it happens all the time, to anyone. Why shouldn't it happen to you? This sort of shit happens to good people and bad people, it happens to the smart and the stupid, it happens to the mentally balanced and the mentally unbalanced, to careful people and and uncareful people. It just happened to you and I would say that compared to my friend at work, you got off light.

This has little or nothing to do with your past or your ptsd or whatever else. Sounds like the guy was a bit of a flibbertigibbit and acted like one. There are plenty of people out there who put on a good act or say all the right things but are just living out some nutjob story in their heads and are always finding other people they think can fit the role better. Not your fault. Letting this turn your world upside down though? That it your fault and not his at all.

Fine, be upset, you got led on, you got fucked over. But this has NOTHING to do with your past, so don't let this fresh hurt be an excuse to pull all your past pain out and let it destroy your all over again. It's time to let that shit go. What happened to you before happened to you BEFORE. This is something new so deal with it on it's own and don't add it too a big pile of goop called ALL THE BAD SHIT THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME because seriously, you create a burden like that and all it will do is crush you.

One final note though, you have to accept that this situation keeps coming up this way (cut off contact without a explanantion) because of the message you put out to people. That message is that you are damaged goods and that if people fuck you over again it may just destroy you as a person. That's what you believe isn't it? So you tell people not to ever hurt you because you don't think you can handle it, you have issues, you've been damaged and you can't handle any fresh hurt. Nobody wants to hurt you but sometimes hurting others is unavoidable, so when something comes up that is unpleasant, people are too afraid to be honest with you and tell you what's happening because they are afraid that you will lose your shit. So instead of telling you what's up or confronting issues with you, they put it in the too hard basket and don't do anything at all.

Anything could happen to you, including getting hurt by people with the best of intentions, getting hurt by people who never even meant to hurt you. Maybe sometimes getting hurt by people who just don't care. Accept this and stop trying so hard to prevent it, because you prevent life when you do this. My friend at work got fucked over by the man who took vows to love her till death, but she has friends, three kids and a house. She can pull her shit together and so can you.

Perspective.
 
RNR: please check in once you're back on the board and let us know how things are going.
 
It's been said better above, but here is the short version:

Everyone is batshit insane in their own way. You are mentally unstable to a degree greater than that found in the bulk of the population. You know this, but you try not to display it when you first meet someone. You can bluff at normalcy for a while, but eventually the cracks start to show. People are typically interested in their own well-being first and foremost. When they see the crazy lurking beneath the surface, they bail.

Ok, that's the problem. The good news is, if you work long, hard, and smart enough at it, you can bring your behaviour within the bounds of social acceptability. You know all that bullshit about being happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else, etc etc? This is why:

There are three types of guy that will date you. The first is a relatively normal guy who, as soon as the honeymoon period wears off, will run a mile, further damaging your psyche.

The second is Captain Save-a-Ho. He has low self esteem, and wants to help solve your problems so you will be indebted to him forever and never leave him. Avoid this guy.

The third is the mentally unstable guy who has the same difficulty you do in keeping quality partners. Together, you will feed on each others' insecurities and turn into raging lunatics, but the fear of being alone will stop you breaking up. You really, really want to avoid this guy.

Summary: you can fix the problem, or you can keep wondering 'why does this always happen to me'?. There is no option C.

If I sound slightly cynical, its because I have a couple of friends who attract nothing but women like you.
 
Okay, let me try to put this the best way I can. I am writing this from the psych ward, and I am hoping this can be a breaking point for me. I'm getting new meds and a lot of therapy, but I'm still having a good 20 anxiety attacks a day, so hopefully I make sense... I'll use Fallen's post to highlight:

Fallen1 said:
Everyone is batshit insane in their own way. You are mentally unstable to a degree greater than that found in the bulk of the population. You know this, but you try not to display it when you first meet someone. You can bluff at normalcy for a while, but eventually the cracks start to show. People are typically interested in their own well-being first and foremost. When they see the crazy lurking beneath the surface, they bail.

Ok, that's the problem. The good news is, if you work long, hard, and smart enough at it, you can bring your behaviour within the bounds of social acceptability. You know all that bullshit about being happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else, etc etc?

This is a complete contradiction, and many of you have made it. You start by saying that I must have been "bluffing normalcy" or hiding my problems. I was not. I was actually as stable as I ever have been in my entire life, and not only that, I discussed this topic with him as soon as it was relevant (i.e. I saw a real relationship forming, and I had a bad moment because he showed up drunk and reminded me of my alcoholic mom), and for the record, he has been on antidepressants before and also has an alcoholic dad and said that he understood completely and did not care.

My crazy ass reaction, which is what you've seen in this thread, was the result of a pretty messed up situation. I may have reacted more strongly than most people, but I think everyone here would have a seriously negative response if the same thing happened to them. How many of you have seen someone go completely batshit when a relative dies regardless of previous mental status? How many times have you seen someone go batshit after getting dumped, even in much less painful ways? Bad shit happens to everyone all the time, and people have all kinds of reactions, expected or otherwise.

But that all aside, you say that people will be okay with dating me once I fix myself - but there is no "fixing" myself. I have a disease, and no matter how much I work at it, it's never going to go away completely. For as much as my early abuse caused the problems I have now, which are largely correctable (and I'm really starting to deal with them effectively - you should have seen what happened when my high school bf became a drug addict and left me), even once I deal with that all the way I still have a genetic basis to this problem. Everyone in my dad's family is batshit, and I thank the lord every day that I don't have things as bad as they do. I may love myself fully one day, but the nature of my issue makes it likely to be permanent.

So what do you suggest I do? I'm going to have the "eventually the cracks start to show" problem eventually, whether it's at two months or two years or two decades. So am I doomed forever because of this? Am I going to be "bluffing" forever so I'm screwed forever? Or am I actually okay because "everyone is batshit insane in their own way" and that's just how everyone's relationships are? And moreover, what in the hell counts as "socially acceptable"? Wouldn't it seem that this guy's issues, whatever they were, were far more socially unacceptable? I have never done something even remotely so terrible to a person, especially someone that I know has issues.

I know for a fact that I am a MUCH better girlfriend than a lot of "normal" girls I have met, yet no one tells those girls that all of their relationship problems are somehow their fault for not working hard enough on improving themselves. I know for certain that I am working MUCH harder, and I am much less "psycho girl" than a lot of, if not many women - I know what my problems are so I actively work on them in the context of relationships, which most people simply don't do, and I myself didn't either several years ago. My first relationship imploded in a big clusterfuck of my insecurity and his unwillingness to communicate. I know full well how that all works...

You all also have seemed to miss where I HAVE had "healthy, normal" relationships/personal interactions with people. I have had some of those too, even ones that ended up in ending a friendship or getting dumped or dumping the other person myself, because it was an unhealthy situation. It's just that after each successive REALLY shitty one, especially since they seem to come out of fucking nowhere, (and I feel like I have had more of them than most people, especially in proportion, which is why I started this thread - to ask, because no one I know has ever had this sort of thing happen even once), it chips away at my base of stability and really pushes all my buttons having come from my background. I believe less and less that I will ever find a decent one that lasts, which turns into a spiral of bad thinking.

I took myself off the market for three years to really make a serious effort at improving myself so that I could be a better person for myself, because I am damn tired of feeling worthless all the time, and hopefully be a better person for someone else who could love me for me. I had been working three jobs, going to school and maintaining excellent grades, helping my best friend with her psychological issues, and keeping myself in excellent physical shape, all while dealing with my abusive mom several times a month and not caring, which was something I had never been able to do in my entire life, let alone on top of managing all the other aspects of my life succesfully, which I had also never been able to do. I was truly optimistic about my future. And then the first time I stick my toe in the pool, the guy does the exact worst thing he could possibly do to me.

And I flipped out. Of course I would. So would anybody, even if not as much as I did. But the thing is, I have watched jilted girls do MUCH more insane things than I could ever dream, and no one suggests as a result of that temporarily afflicted behavior that somehow the problem is all on their end. Just because I freaked out and have a disease doesn't mean that I'm any different from someone that freaks out who is "normal." I think there's a huge double standard here, and it's very counterproductive.

To put it simply, I'm looking for support, and I'm getting criticism, which is completely antithetical to my recovery. I already blame myself for everything, and that's why I'm lashing out so much - I feel like these kinds of things are proof that I will never be loved, and in the heat of the moment, that's enough to trigger my illness. It's not something permanent. It's something I'm working on. But acutely, it can be a big fucking disaster. And I was really hoping a community as diverse and normally supportive as this could at least give me some reassurance and support before laying into the tough love, which to be fair, is also a little misinformed (not that it's anyone's fault - there's no way you could know everything about me, and I'm sure it's intended positively, but that's something you must take seriously into account). No one would ever suggest that someone who is prone to a major health crisis of any other kind would be bad relationship material because they might have a really bad week or even month or end up in the hospital or whatever. Granted, of course, someone with a physical illness is ostensibly not as "bad" in a relationship as someone with a psychological illness, but at the core, it's no different. People with pain conditions get pissy and grumpy all the time - is that "acceptable"? What constitutes my worthiness as a partner? 50% recovery? 75%?

But that's all really a topic for a different day in a different thread, when I'm hopefully feeling better. At this point I feel like many of you are attacking me, and that's what I want to address. Many of your "tough love" posts have come off as completely condescending and critical and not like any kind of love at all. Case in point:
If I sound slightly cynical, its because I have a couple of friends who attract nothing but women like you.
Now what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Women like me? You mean ones that are super caring and forgiving and take care of their man after massive surgery and don't ever interfere with a guy's "guys nights out" and don't care that he is all up on other hot chick friends at the club all the time and even look past his somewhat severe issues and the fact that he peed on their floor after showing up unannounced and completely trashed spouting all kinds of rude bullshit one night only a couple weeks in? The ones that lay their cards on the table at the beginning of a relationship to allow guys to bow out gracefully before anyone gets hurt? 8(

There are certainly ways to say things without being so harsh, and saying "I don't mean to be critical but" is not the way to do it when someone is in such an acutely critical situation as mine. Or at the minimum, wait til they've chilled out for a little while before busting out the big guns. You don't put someone with a broken femur out in the hallway and tell them to start walking. Instead of feeling like I was getting help here, it actually just made things worse. I spent four days in a torturous hell, shit, I'm still feeling awful but at least I'm coherent part of the day now, and my efforts to reach out just ended up making me feel worse. I was literally so distressed that I felt intoxicated.

I suppose this is getting too long-winded, and not even necessarily relevant any longer. I'm going to be stuck in the hospital for a few days, and I'm hoping it will give me a chance to make a clean break and get my head going the right direction again. I guess my point is that you shouldn't ever be so quick to conclude, and always give a shocked person a little time to recoup before laying on the tough love portion of things. Yes, tough love is great - I'm a huge advocate, maybe too much of one... - but not for someone who is in the midst of a crisis.

I've gotta go get drugged now, so I suppose I might be back tomorrow, but probly not til I get back home...
 
They allow internet access at a psych ward without a proxy to block hateful, drug related, or porn sites?
 
They must have missed one ;)

I can't even get on youtube or AIM...

And holy crap, pregabalin... *twitch*
 
rant*N*rave said:
So what do you suggest I do? I'm going to have the "eventually the cracks start to show" problem eventually, whether it's at two months or two years or two decades.

Well, since you seem pretty resigned to believe that your fate will be never getting better, I suggest you just completely let go and do whatever the fuck you want before you do lose your mind. Do a lot of dope, have as much sex as possible and eat a terrible (but delicious) diet. Might as well have some fun before you go nutso, right?

I'm actually somewhat serious in the last paragraph. Not trying to be harsh, but you've been given some sound advice in this thread and you just don't want to listen. Not only that, but I can tell you're pretty smart and not a complete dimwit either, so you have a good idea of whats going on. You really just need some time to calm down and put everything into perspective.

If a dude stops contacting you, then that means he isn't interested. FUCK HIM THEN! Move on, get shit in your life in order, and view it as though he is missing out on something by ditching you.

So what if you don't find a decent relationship that doesn't last? I haven't had the greatest romantic life either. But shit, you don't let everything fall to pieces over it, you should focus on improving a different aspect of your life instead. There's waaaaaay more to life than dating.
 
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