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Does this actually happen often? Or is it just me...

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The best part was when he told me he hadn't cheated on be "because he didn't do anything until a week ago." So I guess I must have missed the part where he broke up with me before that happened.... I wonder how long he was going after her while he was convincing me how much he liked me...

I just sent a facebook message to every girl that hangs out with him explaining his behavior. That should be fun... Totally immature, but so was he. He didn't do right by me, so I feel no obligation to play fair.
 
rant*N*rave said:
The best part was when he told me he hadn't cheated on be "because he didn't do anything until a week ago." So I guess I must have missed the part where he broke up with me before that happened.... I wonder how long he was going after her while he was convincing me how much he liked me...

I just sent a facebook message to every girl that hangs out with him explaining his behavior. That should be fun... Totally immature, but so was he. He didn't do right by me, so I feel no obligation to play fair.

Two wrongs don't make a right.
 
You'll get past this. You can be a really strong person when you want to. Take some time and get your head straight. You'll find someone who won't ever let you down like that.

You deserve better.
 
So he text messaged me tonight to tell me that he found someone else.

Hmm, that makes sense. He is a major pussy for not just telling you. It's all he had to do, a simple text, "I found someone else. It's over. Sorry and goodbye." if he didn't want to talk to you would have saved you all the wondering.

I just sent a facebook message to every girl that hangs out with him explaining his behavior. That should be fun... Totally immature, but so was he. He didn't do right by me, so I feel no obligation to play fair.

Hmm.. :( I hope you don't do anything else like this. Be the bigger person! Don't even care! You're too good to be shook up by someone like this, so don't be. And yes, it is that simple. Just say fuck him and move on.
 
I'm going to be (possibly) painfully honest. I am only trying to help and if I offend it truly was not my intention.

I skimmed this whole thread, esp. the r*n*r posts, and you are remarkably similar to an ex of mine, in both tone and attitude. You are o.k. being single, so you THINK you are not needy or clingy, but single does not equal not-needy or not-clingy. Being a guy, the biggest reason I would every get out of a relationship with no notice to the other party would be because I felt suffocated, or I felt that I was the foundation by which a person bases themselves around.

To be honest, the same would hold true for a friend. Having tried to stick out a relationship like this once with an ex after finding out how needy she was, I can tell you it is VERY hard. She also had panic attacks, problems growing up, on anti-depressants, the whole nine yards. I have been one of the few guys who dated her past the 1-month mark. It was hard.

She was very passive-aggressive, which I am reading in your tone, very needy, very argumentative, felt a need to disagree with you simply there was an opposite viewpoint to take on a matter. We argued a lot as well. She constantly needed attention, either directly or via txt/phone. The facebook stunt you pulled would have been something she would have done as well. To be honest, if your age in your profile is true, you should feel rather silly having done it.


The dude didn't say anything about breaking up because he was scared you'd lose it in front of him and he didn't want to deal with it.

What you need to do, if you agree with any of this, is go find yourself. Honestly, truly, go figure out who you are be 100% confident in yourself and your person. Realize your potential, which is unlimited. Don't give a shit ab out what anyone else thinks, go do something you thought you would never do, face a fear and realize you are bigger than it, go skydiving, anything that will help you realize you are bigger then your childhood, your past, and your lack of self-confidence.

And most of all, and this is coming from a heterosexual male, remember:

Guys suck.
 
Honey, I wasn't having any head problems BEFORE this, that's the point, and that's why I'm so upset. I hadn't dated in three years because of it, because I know it would be totally unfair of me to expect anything out of a relationship when I'm not at nearly 100%. The vast majority of people I've met since I picked up the pieces from the last major disaster in my life have no idea that there's anything "wrong" with me, and this guy himself actually commented to me not too long before he dumped me that I was the sanest and most "together" girl he had met in a long time (which I quite frankly can't believe he said, but hey, good for me). We had two very small fights, and resolved both within ten minutes by talking about it the next day - he's the first guy I've been with that's ever done that. I was finally getting my life back together, got back into school, got killer grades last semester, on top of having THREE jobs, and then I run into an asshole that can't even be man enough to tell me that he wants to see other people...

You say I'm childish for my age? He's older than I am, and instead of even giving me a phone call, he just disappears after saying "miss you hunny xoxo," only to let me know two weeks later ON MY WAY TO WORK, that he's banging somebody else. Talk all you want about how I may be needy (and yes I am, but honestly, who isn't, and HE was the clingy one, dear god....), HE'S the one that went out of his way to turn it from something casual into something serious. HE told me he didn't want me to sleep with other people, and HE asked me to be his "serious girlfriend." I figured from the start that this was something that wouldn't *necessarily* last long, but I sure as shit didn't expect this nonsense, and for the first time in years, I allowed myself to start building an emotional bond with someone.

I'm pretty damn argumentative and downright fucked in the head after the fact. Wouldn't you be? I just started falling for someone for the second time ever in my life, and one day he just disappeared with no explanation. Excuse me for being emotional about it.... I have PTSD, and he pushed my *worst* trigger. It's not like I'm like this every day... I'm scared shitless that I'm going to need to drop back out of school now, and I'm completely confused, even still after finding out what was going on. And the worst part is that I feel like a total idiot for not realizing that he was playing me from the start. I think just about anyone would have a hard time rationalizing that from my position.

And yes, I'm offended, and you're a fucking asshole for doing this to MULTIPLE PEOPLE. How could you possibly think that is ever okay? And you call me immature... You probably think normal women are needy attention-seeking whores... 8( I said flat out that what I did was childish and stupid. It wasn't right of me - it was downright retarded. But it was what he deserved. You should see the shit he texted me all night at work - I'da swore he was trying to get me back until he said "We got along so great, but we're just too different for it to work." Because that makes so much sense... He clearly drops this kind of bullshit on lots of people, and unfortunately I was as dumb as he thought. Apparently he just discovered all of these really relevant emotions two days after he last saw me and decided to fuck someone else that he thought was "more like him" on that basis, because two days spent entirely drunk is totally enough time to figure that kind of thing out...

It was for the best, because he has alcohol problems, and I should have never let it get this far, but it doesn't change the fact that he set off my illness. He basically just undid three years of my hard work toward improving myself by being selfish and immature. Yeah, it sounds stupid, but try my childhood on for size and you get back to me about people pulling creepy, stupid shit off like this on you... What do you think it is exactly that I've been trying to do ever since finally leaving my abusive home? Make my problems worse? I thought I could trust this guy. I was wrong.
 
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It's never someone else's fault when years of therapy are undone. You need to take control of the situation when you see the warning signs.
 
Hmmm. You seem ever so defensive. I do think that when something happens over and over and over again (as you've stated it has in your case) that at some point one has to bite the bullet and accept that the only constant across every single one of one's interactions with others is oneself. Perhaps you would gain something from paying more attention to the things that people have said to you in this thread rather than dismissing them straightaway. They may not be 100% accurate but there is probably some truth in what they are saying.

About your ex, he wasn't good enough for you anyway, good riddance. I am sorry, though, for the turmoil he put you through.
 
Also, I agree with what anna! said above. Just the fact that you say that he undid all your work in therapy is evidence enough that you had given him far too much power, and maybe you were more needy than you think. I think MynameisnotDeja has given some excellent advice, all of which i agree with and second as my position on this issue.
 
I did something similar to a girl i realy liked before. I regret it to this day. My "excuse" is that i have major problems opening myself up to people and trusting them - my parents divorced when i was 4 and im afraid to get serious with anyone just so none of us can get hurt at the end. For me it is easier not to even start anything than to face the consequences. I have a lot of issues to deal with.

The point is - the problem in this situation is not you (only your perception) - its him! ! !

(ooops - didnt read the second page. But still - if he found someone else you should be glad it happend so early - it would hurt even more if it happened later on)
 
anna! said:
It's never someone else's fault when years of therapy are undone. You need to take control of the situation when you see the warning signs.
There were no warning signs... There never have been... How many times do I need to say this? It's why i'm freaking out so badly. (And apparently you have NO idea how PTSD works...)

I've had serious crushes on guys that were off limits or just outright bad for me, and I handled that just fine. I've been in a few fledgling relationships where I saw big flashing red lights and ended it right then and there, and there wasn't a problem, and I went on my merry way. One of the guys I even stopped talking to altogether (as did mutual friends) because it became apparent how deep the problems ran... However, I've never had someone extend the same courtesy to me...

None of you know me personally, and none of you have seen the progress I've made in the last 5 years. At age 17, I was barely a functioning person. I'm hardly the perfect friend or girlfriend now, but the few friends I do have will tell you I'm a great person. I'm giving, caring, selfless, fun, and intelligent, and only in the past few years did I even realize I had any positive qualities at all. I still don't always believe it. I respect everyone's input, but 1) you're seeing me only a couple days after being cheated on by the first person I opened up to in several years, so you have absolutely no accurate gauge of what I'm actually like, and 2) almost NONE of you have answered my only two questions. I'll repeat: Does this sort of thing happen often where there are NO warning signs and someone just up and leaves? How would you deal with it/how do you think I should deal with it?

You can all say "love yourself tra la la" - I know that already, and it's something I'm working on - but I come from a very fucked up background. When stuff like this happens to me, my reactions are severe. However, I can assure you, I'm just fine in NORMAL situations, even bad ones. And i know, "OMG how is it possible that there were no warning signs?!?! You must just be blind or dumb or both!" Given how many of that response I've gotten, I guess it doesn't happen that often. So I suppose that's a good thing, but after how many times it has happened to *me*, I'm starting from a serious interpersonal deficit that I'm guessing you don't understand.

Please, either answer my question, or stop telling me how fucked up I am. I know I have problems, and I know what they are, and know how to address them. Amidst all the bullshit this guy fed me, he told me repeatedly when he called that I did nothing wrong and blah blah blah. I'm not sure why he would say that if it weren't the case. As far as I can tell, he did probably like me quite a bit, but he got drunk and cheated and didn't know what to do, and now he likes the other girl more or at least feels better staying with her than coming back to me after what he did.
 
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I don't think you're blind or dumb. My BF did a 180 too and gave the same excuse as Triglav gave. For him, though, he was just moody and never communicated enough so that I knew he needed space.

I'm sorry you are going through the same thing. I think how he broke up with you was extremely cowardly and cold (at least be slightly a man and make the phone call...break up in text message? wtf?).

I was talking to my sister today and I was telling her how much I wish my BF would call/text message/etc and come back. I miss him so much and I really cared about him. She kept saying "you need to get over it and move on." At first, I was a little annoyed at what she was saying and I told her that I don't get over people so quickly. But now, I realize it's the best advice no matter how badly we don't want to hear it.
 
To be fair r*n*r, I never said I have up and just abandoned anyone ever, in fact I said the complete opposite. I said I would if I ever encountered the same type of girl again if i was too blind to see it initially. In the case of my ex however, she failed to mention and hid the fact that she was on depressant meds, saw a therapist, had a psychologically abusive childhood and attempted suicide. Not to mention frequent panic attacks and love of arguing. I saw similarities between the two of you and I almost felt I would be cheating you out of an honest opinion from the point-of-view of a guy in the scenario you mentioned.

To answer your question then, yes people do this all the time. People are inherently selfish and self-centered, and because of this, people abandon and hurt other people every day. You've never heard of the 'normal' dad that left his wife and 2.2 kids at the drop of a hat one day with no warning signs? Happens every day. The 'happy' person that commits suicide with no apparent reason or signs of suicidal behavior? Your case(s) almost don't compare to situations like these, and I made the faulty assumption of thinking you were aware of the many, many similar situations, as exampled above, and made the further assumption that you were indirectly asking a broader question of 'why has this happened specifically to me over and over again?' Which is also why I thought you were sharing so much about yourself. I thought you wanted people so analyze you personally and help you realize why it is happening o you over and over again. To be honest, I do not think I am the only one in this thread making the same assumption.

As pointed out, there is a common denominator, and by your own admittance you were hardly an example of stability in the not-so-distant past. I was trying to help you realize what MAY be a POSSIBLE problem and possible ways to overcome said problem. Sure I was blunt, but nobody else was going to say it and I took the chance of being right and helping, or being wrong and looking like an asshole.

I am sorry I offended you, and I will respectfully bow out of this thread, as my advice and opinions seem misguided and misdirected.
 
Answers to your specific questions:

1. Yes it happens all the time and has happened to a close friend of mine.

2. I would deal with it (besides working on all the sad/angry/hurt/shock/and so on feelings) by accepting it and getting on with my life. I coped before I met them and I can cope without them once they are gone.
 
He basically just undid three years of my hard work toward improving myself by being selfish and immature.

If someone else has the power to undo three years of therapy then I'd say that isn't very proper therapy in the first place...
 
It's certainly not permanently undone, but I'm going to be fucked in the head for quite a few weeks. I start having anxiety attacks and a lot of difficulty going out in public and interacting with people, let alone working on all the class work I need to do. I basically revert to being seven years old crying under the bed... Having this happen during the stressful period of the start of a school semester was incredibly bad timing... I have a stress-induced breathing disorder as well which is now on a rampage, so I'm even having trouble getting around and going to classes - that adds to my stress too, and it's a big nasty cycle. I'll probably be fine in a few weeks/few months, but for me that's a big deal, and it requires a lot more work for me than most people, and when I have these major episodes, it's a lot easier for me to have one again in the near future. So pretty much I'm now stuck inside my apartment for the better part of the next month if I have any hope of keeping up with school and I don't want to end up in the psych ward.

Suffice it to say this is the straw that broke the camel's back when it comes to me trusting people. I've literally never been able to trust a single person my entire life. I've even stopped talking to my best friend for the most part these past couple days because I start having panic attacks thinking about how she's going to ditch me like everyone else has... He was the first person I had even *started* trusting a tiny little bit since my first boyfriend almost 9 years ago.

I don't have the capability to simply "suck it up and move on" that most people do. I'm fucking jealous of everyone that can. It hurts to hear it over and over, because quite simply, it doesn't work that way for me. Until I have a successful relationship with someone, friend, s/o, happy ending or otherwise, it's not going to happen.
 
^^^ I do understand what you mean when you talk about reverting back to childhood. But maybe it's not as much of a setback as you think. I suffered from severe clinical depression and anxiety attacks for a few years and I can relate to what you say about it taking a lot more effort for you to cope than it seems to take for most people. But it is possible to get better at managing it. I think he's done you a great favour, to be honest. Maybe you weren't yet ready to be so intimately involved with someone, and next time around, after you've recovered your equilibrium, you'll be better equipped to sustain a healthy relationship with someone who is right for you and who will treat you with respect.
 
don't have the capability to simply "suck it up and move on" that most people do. I'm fucking jealous of everyone that can. It hurts to hear it over and over, because quite simply, it doesn't work that way for me.

gah! This is sooo frustrating hearing you say these things! Ever hear of a self fulfilling prophecy?? What you said is just another example that you don't seem to have a grip on your own personal power.

Until I have a successful relationship with someone, friend, s/o, happy ending or otherwise, it's not going to happen.

Another example of how you are giving up all your power. The goodness in others should not need to be proved to you before you are capable of moving on.

Suffice it to say this is the straw that broke the camel's back when it comes to me trusting people.

Good, it's better not to trust people without them giving you some good reason to (and no, dating and being a cute sweetheart for a few months is NOT a good reason). It takes me MANY many many years of knowing someone and them making major efforts to prove themselves to me before I really trust someone, and even THEN, I still wouldn't give my power away to them. Not to anyone, ever! This isn't to say I cannot have fun and loving and joyous relationships with people I don't yet fully trust, as I can and do. The key, which I keep going back to over and over to try and drill in well, is that I OWN MY OWN POWER OVER MYSELF.

Now, it's clear that me and other people are telling you things you obviously don't want to hear, but understand we are trying to help you, so don't hate me. I know I sound like a life coach, because I sorta am in some ways, I've been right where you are at, I can truly say I've been to hell and back in my life and that has led me to be where I'm at.

I speak from experience when I say that you don't have to be ruled by this PTSD bullshit, or depression *what I used to "have"* or mean guys who are allowed to crush your life, or anything else. You have complete and total power over your emotions. Anything that makes you think otherwise is an illusion. This understanding is one of the most brilliant realizations a person can have in their lifetime, IMO. It certainly changed my life.

P.S. Please don't take the way I'm trying to break things down to you as patronizing or in any way a statement that this, or anything else shouldn't be hard. Life is very hard, and I understand your struggle.
 
I used to get worked up when people turned on me. Eventually you learn not to care about it. I can't really explain how it happens, but eventually you just naturally turn down the volume on rejection and come to understand that people will do what they will regardless of how you feel about it. You don't have to trust people, it isn't necessary to get through life.
 
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