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Girls who grow up without fathers...

trancegirle said:
I don't blame not having a father figure in my life for my issues. I had a terrible upbringing but to use that as an excuse well, in my mind that would be a cop out. And how could i move forward if i just accepted that?

Could they have contributed to issues i have, sure? But what about people with those same issues who came from a perfectly stable family? What do they have to blame?

Life isn't about living by the examples you see, life is about living how you choose to, and making the most of the tools you are given.

Sorry my post kind of sounds cold when i can really actually relate to you <3 and this is something i have thought before to come to the conclusion i have. I would seek therapy, it's done wonders for me and i think i'm silly for not putting my pride aside and doing it sooner.

In therapy i'm in he doesn't focus on the past or label me with disorders, i'm just learning how to move forward with my life in the best way i can.

Yeah, I was in therapy but the last therapist had this interesting way of using up our sessions. He did this thing called EMDR and it was the most ridiculous thing I ever had to do. It wasn't for anything that had to do with growing up without a father, it was mostly because of being sexually abused when I was 16 and I had PTSD.

But anyway, he would basically make me think of something that hurt me or bothered me. He would make me think of that particular thing over and over again while he tapped on my knees for a set amount of time. I had a "safe place" in my head to go and a "garbage can" to throw away all the bad memories. I just thought this was crazy....how can tapping on my knees make any trauma in my life disappear?

I tried it for a few more sessions and I finally gave up on the therapist after I told him I didn't like it and he insisted that we continued. So, I just stopped going. I was just really beginning to dislike going to therapy. I would like to start going again, but I would much rather have someone to talk to rather than be someone to try all these crazy experiments on :!
 
Thanks everyone for your replies. It really makes me feel better to know that there are other people out there that feel the exact way I do. I always felt there was something wrong with me and this is a pretty touchy subject for me, but I'm glad I brought it up.

I'll look into therapy...

I'd love to hear everyone else's stories so keep em comin :]
 
Isn't it strange how i grew up without a father yet i don't long for a relationship with a man as it seems most of you do. I guess since I'm a lesbian it's different for me BUT, i long for a woman who will be protective and make me feel secure.

You know how some of you look for a man who are like their father.. that's where i get confused. I didn't have a father so what do i long for??? I don't have a reference. This is confusing for me and i don't know how to explain it. I'll try better tomorrow to explain what i mean. I took my nightly soma so i cant articulate exactly what i mean.

But not having a father was disastrous for me (like someone else mentioned in a reply) But, i can't blame all my issues on not having a father. Some of my issues are my fault. But not having a father affected me in many ways" Lack of confidence (Fathers make their daughters confident by making them feel special etc). Also i didn't have that stability that a mother and Father bring to the upbringing of a child. Also i am a loner for the most part. I mean, there were times on my life when i wasn't a loner but i am now... with the exception of having lots of internet friends and i think not having a father has something to do with that.

I read an article/study on line that basically said that children who grow up without fathers have more problems than children who grow up without a mother, isn't that odd, i wonder why that is.

Although i am a lesbian there are a lot of things i like about men. And there are things i am attracted to about men. I like how men are protective of their girlfriends, how they make their girlfriend feel safe, how they want to take care of their girlfriends ( I don't only mean financially) Sure, Lesbians do that with their girlfriends too but it's different somehow. I like how men make me feel safe when i am with them but woman don't make me feel safe.

Like if i was in a relationship with a woman and we lived together.. and in bed at night they don't make me feel safe but the thought of laying in bed at night would make me feel so safe and secure. That really baffles me.

I'm still very confused about all this. Which is why i need to get into counseling.

Also i get along better with men than woman.Weird huh? In high school (20 years ago) i always enjoyed hanging out with the guys and that isn't because I'm a lesbian. I am a very femme lesbian so it's not because i feel like one of the guys. It's just... shit, i don't know.

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

You know how long I've wanted to talk to people about this and haven't been able to or was to uncomfortable. I often think, gosh i wish i could open up and talk to someone about all this with. Thank you very much for listening and not judging and making me feel comfortable opening up.

Oh, one other strange thing Although i am a lesbian... as i get older i find myself more attracted to men. Yes, I'm still attracted to woman bu over the past few years i am finding more and more things i like about men. Does that make me bisexual, i don't think so because I'm not sexually attracted to men... maybe just a tad but I've become more emotionally attracted to men. Damn, I'm so confused lol.

Sorry if this reply seems confusing and messy... when I'm on Soma i my typing is lacking and my expression is not clear and i dauncy.

Ok, take care and keep the replies coming. I'd love to hear more of your stories.

RPG
 
RoxiPoppyGirl said:
Anyone have any thoughts on this?

I'm glad you will try to find a counselor or a group to talk about things with. Good luck finding one you click with.

RoxiPoppyGirl said:
Oh, one other strange thing Although i am a lesbian... as i get older i find myself more attracted to men. Yes, I'm still attracted to woman bu over the past few years i am finding more and more things i like about men. Does that make me bisexual, i don't think so because I'm not sexually attracted to men... maybe just a tad but I've become more emotionally attracted to men. Damn, I'm so confused lol.

Well I think it's pretty much impossible to know what is in the back of my head. But I do know that sexuality isn't so set in stone as most people imagine. For instance I have been able to have sex with a pillow, without any thoughts of human beings at all. So imo it is probable that you could have sex with anything if you're open to the experience. =D
 
Does anyone else have trouble around holidays or birthdays?

I only bring this up because it seems like every time a holiday or birthday rolls around, I seem to be depressed & angry. My birthday is coming up on Tuesday and it seems like my boyfriend and I have been fighting more than normal. I start most of the fights, and I know I'm being stupid but I really can't stop being angry and I don't know why. He understands though and he usually shrugs it off.

Does anyone else have this problem? Somehow I feel it's related to this topic.
 
Sure, because holidays and birthdays are about family: the image of the happy family sitting around the Thanksgiving table with Dad carving the turkey, and your father giving you a special birthday gift like a necklace because you're daddy's girl.

You're absolutely right about that.
 
Lucky$trike said:
Does anyone else have trouble around holidays or birthdays?

I only bring this up because it seems like every time a holiday or birthday rolls around, I seem to be depressed & angry. My birthday is coming up on Tuesday and it seems like my boyfriend and I have been fighting more than normal. I start most of the fights, and I know I'm being stupid but I really can't stop being angry and I don't know why. He understands though and he usually shrugs it off.

Does anyone else have this problem? Somehow I feel it's related to this topic.

For sure. In December (Christmas and my birthday) I tend to "shut down" my emotions so I dont get upset about my mom and it often leads to problems with me and my girlfriend.
 
Christmas sometimes bothers me. And that's mostly because when i was about 13 my mom got so mad at me for something. I can't even remember what and she didn't talk to me for like 3 weeks and this took place during xmas. It was the most lonely and hurtful xmas and time in my life. Those 3 weeks had a lasting affect on me. To this day... when xmas rolls around i think about those shitty 3 weeks. but, it doesn't affect me enough to ruin my xmas but the memory pops up and I'll have a bad day in the xmas season or a bad few hours.

Gosh, just thinking about it now upsets me. I do remember that my mom got mad at me for something so stupid, like not taking the trash out or something so silly like that. And she also hit me during this time. I don't really want to get into that.

You know, if a mother hit their child like mom my hit me during that time and it was 2008, that mother would be locked up in jail. Back in the 70's and 80's it seems people didn't get in as much trouble for spanking their kids. But, my mom did more than spanking. But, no body knew.

Actually one neighbor knew and he befriended me and we were friends during my whole teens. When i was about 17 he told me "I almost called the police on your mom a few times, but i chose not to get involved" I often wonder what would have happened. Well, my Grandma would have taken me and i probably would have had an awesome time during my teen years. My Grandma was wonderful to me which is why she's my best friend to this day.

Ugh... anyway.. so yea... Christmas... sometimes i have issues during Christmas.

Gosh, this is a great thread. We're all having a little therapy session. I know it isn't as good as a real therapy session but it does help.

RPG
 
Fatherless. Feel completely unaffected by it.

Well...actually my mom says my dad used to be a pretty successful LSD dealer so now I wish I had a relationship with him just in case he still knows somebody who knows somebody...

Other then that I am probably one of the most well adjusted people I know.
 
^ I used to think the same thing about myself. For the first 6 or 7 years after my mom died, you would think I didnt even know about it by talking to me. But, Im realizing as time goes on, you miss a lot of things that you wish you could have shared with that missing parent, and it makes it harder.
 
RoxiPoppyGirl said:
Actually one neighbor knew and he befriended me and we were friends during my whole teens. When i was about 17 he told me "I almost called the police on your mom a few times, but i chose not to get involved" I often wonder what would have happened. Well, my Grandma would have taken me and i probably would have had an awesome time during my teen years. My Grandma was wonderful to me which is why she's my best friend to this day.

I had kinda a similar situation. My BF at the time used to ask me why I hated my mom so much. He used to tell me "she's your mom blah blah show some respect." This happened until one day he was coming to my house to pick me up. I don't remember why, but my mom got pissed at me. (I actually think my mom has BPD or bi-polar..I dunno but she would fly off the handle at any given moment.)

She stormed out the door in her bathrobe (see white trash lady) screaming at me that I had ruined her life and that I was an ungrateful bitch. My BF happened to see all of this and I started crying. After that, he never ever gave me shit about venting about my mom or telling him I didn't want to see her.

I think back and my neighbors must have thought we were all crazy in that house. My mom would start screaming and my sister and I would go outside to escape it and call someone to come pick us up. My mom would always follow us and just scream at us outside...in the middle of the night. :-/
 
sixpartseven said:
^ I used to think the same thing about myself. For the first 6 or 7 years after my mom died, you would think I didnt even know about it by talking to me. But, Im realizing as time goes on, you miss a lot of things that you wish you could have shared with that missing parent, and it makes it harder.


I think a lot of that is related to grass is greener syndrome. People imagine this ideal life they could have had "if only" and then contrast that idealism with their actual life and look for reasons why their actual life doesn't quite measure up and then start connecting dots that perhaps shouldn't be connected.

Having a parent around and then losing that parent is one thing. But not really knowing your missing parent shouldn't be that big a deal. You can't actually miss what you've never known. You can play guessing games but the problem with that is that maybe dad would have been the perfect TV dad, maybe he would buy you special presents, maybe he'd carve turkey, or maybe he'd be a stone cold abusive alcoholic and maybe you're better off without him.
 
Actually, I feel the exact opposite. If you lost a parent, you know that they love you and would be there for you if they could. If a parent abandons you, you wonder what you did wrong or why you're not important enough in their lives to want to be in yours.

When it parent dies, they didn't choose to leave you. My dad chose to leave me.
 
Lucky$trike said:
If a parent abandons you, you wonder what you did wrong or why you're not important enough in their lives to want to be in yours.

I'd place the fault with them, not with myself.

When I was like 9 years old I went to visit my dad for the first and only time, he didn't really talk to me at all. I can't say why. I chalked it up to him not liking me and I didn't even care and I still don't.
 
Well, for some reason I do care...

I remember as a little girl talking to my dad on the phone. He would always forget to come see me and I told him to put a note on his door so he wouldn't forget. He promised me he'd come see me the next day and I never heard from him again.

The last memory of seeing my dad was when we came over to my house with his work buddies. I remember running out to the front yard into his arms and him swinging me around. I asked my mom if I could spend the day with him and she told me no...and that's the last time I saw him in person. I just talked to him on the phone a few times after that. I do remember him making the effort and trying to talk to me and playing little games over the phone. I just don't know why he disappeared. He seemed to love me so much. I just don't know what happened and I guess that's why it still bothers me to this day. My mother has never really given me any answers.

I think all of these emotions are getting stirred up again because we've recently been receiving child support checks in the mail for the first time in 17 years. It's been really bothering me lately. I wish I had a daddy to run to and cry on his shoulder when I was having problems, but I guess I'll never have that.
 
mooncaller said:
I think a lot of that is related to grass is greener syndrome. People imagine this ideal life they could have had "if only" and then contrast that idealism with their actual life and look for reasons why their actual life doesn't quite measure up and then start connecting dots that perhaps shouldn't be connected.

Having a parent around and then losing that parent is one thing. But not really knowing your missing parent shouldn't be that big a deal. You can't actually miss what you've never known. You can play guessing games but the problem with that is that maybe dad would have been the perfect TV dad, maybe he would buy you special presents, maybe he'd carve turkey, or maybe he'd be a stone cold abusive alcoholic and maybe you're better off without him.

No, its not that at all, at least not for me. Im perfectly happy with my life as it is, there are just certain moments I wish I could have shared with my mom (21'st birthday, drivers license, her meeting my girlfriend, simple shit like that) that I did not get the chance to. Also, during the holidays, I look back on the holidays I did share and wish that she could be there during the current holiday. Its not something I think about every day, just at certain points in my life.
 
Lucky$trike said:
Well, for some reason I do care...

I remember as a little girl talking to my dad on the phone. He would always forget to come see me and I told him to put a note on his door so he wouldn't forget. He promised me he'd come see me the next day and I never heard from him again.

The last memory of seeing my dad was when we came over to my house with his work buddies. I remember running out to the front yard into his arms and him swinging me around. I asked my mom if I could spend the day with him and she told me no...and that's the last time I saw him in person. I just talked to him on the phone a few times after that. I do remember him making the effort and trying to talk to me and playing little games over the phone. I just don't know why he disappeared. He seemed to love me so much. I just don't know what happened and I guess that's why it still bothers me to this day. My mother has never really given me any answers.

I think all of these emotions are getting stirred up again because we've recently been receiving child support checks in the mail for the first time in 17 years. It's been really bothering me lately. I wish I had a daddy to run to and cry on his shoulder when I was having problems, but I guess I'll never have that.

Have you ever considered trying to find your dad? <3
 
sixpartseven said:
No, its not that at all, at least not for me. Im perfectly happy with my life as it is, there are just certain moments I wish I could have shared with my mom (21'st birthday, drivers license, her meeting my girlfriend, simple shit like that) that I did not get the chance to. Also, during the holidays, I look back on the holidays I did share and wish that she could be there during the current holiday. Its not something I think about every day, just at certain points in my life.


I'm referring more to people who, like me, just never really had that parent around. Having a parent around and then losing them is something that I think would have more impact then just never really having them in the first place. I can see how what you're talking about would hurt and maybe cause some reactions. But I can't imagine having "issues" just because dad wasn't around. That was just life, not really a big deal like if dad was around causing problems.
 
i new my father, but he was very absent. if he was around he emotionally abused me. i definitely think it fucked me up. i have alot of trouble trusting anyone, but especially men. i have managed to find a boyfriend i feel i can open up to (he too has an absent father), but this is only by being totaly aware of my insecurities, and hang-ups. ive suffered from depression ever since i can remember.
i hate holidays. i get very excited about them, but deep down i know im just going to be disappointed because ive always had too high expectations of them. and by high i mean a happy holiday where im not forgotten about by my father. im an only child, and this just seems to make it worse as i dont see any excuse in the neglect. of course theres no excuse even if i werent, but it just makes me feel more alone.

i also had a friend whos father would beat her, and had a lot of affairs with younger women. he finally left with one he got pregnant when she was about 16. she has a lot of issues with men. she would always go for MUCH older men. trust them straight away, and want to be looked after in every way by them. she even moved from the uk to australia with one, after dating him for 6 months. he was 25 years her. she ended it (as usual) and is now back.

good father figures are important in a girls life. they are the example of what you are going to look for in a partner in the future. in the same way a mother figure is especially important to a boy.
well thats my opinion anyway.
 
My wife's dad died of cancer when she was 8 years old and she's told me that it's had a deep impact on just about every aspect of her life, especially when it comes to relationships. I try my best to be understanding, but I think unless you've experienced it, it's something that you'd never really understand
 
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