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I'm Frightened I'm Fucked I'm Soulless

im really glad to hear oxys gone from being ur 'shining star' to ur 'nemesis'
also glad to hear ur finding solace at NA - its a gd way to go, really good! it will really change ur way of thinking and can turn ur life around
as they say in the rooms - 'u can live a life beyond ur wildest dreams'
take care, jay
i am thinking of u
 
Spaazkaz thanks for the private message. Unfortunately I can't reply to it due to being new to Blue Light. Thanks for taking the time to send it. I would also like to thank Drug Wench, Mariposa and everyone for their advice. It means a lot that i'm not fighting this battle alone.

I'm on my fifth day of being clean. I forgot what it's like to be sober, it's been awhile. My withdrawl symptoms are lessening with each day. The depression is strong but I anticipated that. I went to the library today and read some of Henry Rollins writings. I'm looking for inspiration anywhere I can find it. I don't have the guts to call my parents yet. I'm still staying at the shelter and attending NA meetings everyday. The mountain is steep but i plan to make it succumb to my desire of living without an artificial smile.

I want to beat this dragon and get back to what makes me happy which is writing. It's always been my passion along with weight training. Those are my two goals at the moment. For the first time in three years I feel the glass is half full instead of half empty.
 
Jay, you are doing so well!!! Stick at it mate, it's incredible you got to where you are. Take pride and strength in that and use it to get you through the hard times to come. Keep posting updates! <3
 
wow jay, great to hear! and im glad my advice has bn of some help
oneday ull find the balls to ring ur parents, but theres no pressure as long as ur getting by
im glad ur finding ways of combatting the depression
talking about it at meetings can help
so u hav a passion for writing? thats great cos ur good at it
wen i was in withdrawal i found my most creative side came out and i wrote furiously....almost as furiously as wen i was on the drugs i felt made me more creative
id luv to see some of ur work - maybe u cud post it in words
ur certainly good at writing about ur own journey
hang in there
evry day clean is another miracle and another milestone
 
We're here with you mate, you're not alone. I can only echo the thoughts of others on here but just thought I would say well done for the steps you have taken and good luck.
 
Rock on dude.......
Call your parents and tell them you're going to NA and they will take you back. (Who wouldn't. You're doing something to HELP yourself.) With the base of "operations" that your parent's home provides, you can comfortably search for a doctor that prescribes subutex or suboxone.
I know all about the depression you feel with the WDs that's my main issue with them.. Stay active and good luck!
 
Oh and I forgot. Don't fucking kill yourself. I KNOW it's on your mind but you have to be active and remember that even this shitty feeling you have with yourself WILL pass. Things WILL get better even though your mind says "bullshit"
 
First of all what a powerful reminder of where I was not too long ago... Jay i can relate to almost every part of your story... The good news is you dont have you take oxycontin anymore the bad news is your going to have to learn how to live life all over again but it doesn't happen over night...

Live each day with the goal of 1 thing... Not to use no matter what....

The only thing every sober drug addict has in common is no matter what they do not use or pick up drugs.... NOT MATTER WHAT HAPPENS....


It is probably the hardest thing to do in the whole world but it is possible because people have done it... Hell I somehow got out of being an opiate addict and all it took was me saying im done and being ready to change..

THere is no rock bottom ; rock bottom is only when you stop digging.....Rock bottom is actually death, and its very simple to me Life or Death..... any real drug addict knows at one point there are 2 options...

Either stop using and life life again... or Keep using and die an miserable drug addict death...

Go to NA meetings every day 3x a day if that what it takes to stay sober....

The first few weeks are difficult; Just realize that you are going to be temporarily insane as the drugs leave your body and mind a wreck.....

oh and some advice from a fellow opiate addict


DO NOT TAKE SUBOXONE OR METHADONE.... if you already have a couple of days clean it will restart the whole cycle of withdrawal and being on Suboxone or Methaone is just as bad or worse than Oxy...

Suboxone and Methadone are for people who need opiates to function and are not yet ready to quit opiates.. Its like quitting smoking and wearing a nicotine patch everyday...

Because lets face it if anyone has a strong desire to be sober and quit drugs it will be done....


But basically the way you feel now is not the way you will feel forever.........


Opiate addiction is fucking god awful...

The good news is you dont have to live like that anymore
 
That was some great writing Jay, and I'm glad to see you feel optimistic at this point. That is incredible, and I really hope you make it long enough to realize how incredible it is to feel optimistic during withdrawal. If you are finding NA helpful (I know I did when I had nowhere else to turn), run with it. If you can get to a meeting in the morning, let people know your situation. You will be amazed at how many people are free during the day and willing to help you. Try to hang out with supportive people. Ask people at a morning meeting if they can get you to a lunch time meeting. Usually someone has the morning free and can do that. You may even get a decent breakfast out of the deal. Try to get to an afternoon or evening meeting from the lunchtime one. If you're in a big city there will probably be AA/NA meetings constantly, they're usually safe and warm.
You mentioned writing and weight lifting as being things you really enjoy and they can help a lot. Non drug activities are a great help. Working out is especially good as it helps get the brain get endorphins going which is a great help in fighting opioid dependency. Writing can be a great way to handle feelings, and you are a talented writer so I am really glad to see you enjoy it. Best wishes man.
 
Of course if your body has already gotten off of the opiates than they wont let you in the methadone clinic so you have to be in noticible WD's.............
 
I read each of your posts and it is clear that you have gathered the will to change based on your experiences. Be strong and if you believe all things are possible. Good Luck... Just curious about what city you are in if you are of course comfortable revealing this info?

Also please do not stop updating this thread with your progress as I feel your writing really conveys emotion and could really help others in your position or heading to your position.
 
Jay has been clean for almost 6 days based on what he has told us. Why would he even consider methadone at this point. not good advise IMO. in fact its horrible advice IMO.
 
yep im with anyone who says no point in taking methadone now - it will only lead to more misery
stick wiv the NA meetings and u wont need any kind of maintenance
 
Today I woke up to ominous looking clouds. I could relate to the blackness of those clouds, boy could I ever. My mood is down in the depths. Treading water keeping my head above it. Didn't sleep well last night. I was too busy thinking, too busy replaying my mishaps, the people I hurt and discarded because i'm weak and let pills win. Been sober for six days but it feels like six minutes.

They're people everywhere, walking here, over there. Why do I feel so utterly alone on the streets? Because I am, an army of one, a lone wolf. Trying not to think about it because the type of head trip I could give myself would get me in a rubber room with restraints.

Went to another meeting today. Making ammends tomorrow. What a test this will be. I feel panicked, must be done. Going to feel heavy tomorrow.

I don't have a bed at the shelter tonight. That's ok, I will be resourceful. Find somewhere safe to lay my head down.

Pookiehead that is a logical question. I live in a large Canadian city. I don't want to jinx myself yet and give the location.

This fight is getting the best of me. Just have to take it day by day and make smart decisions.
 
dont start looking at making amends yet
u go to NA - u know theres a lot of steps u hav to complete before ur ready to make amends
know that u will hav days like this, jay, but not evryday will b like this
some days u will wake up and feel euphoric
esp once that oxy is totally out of ur system
gd luck, mate <3
 
Hey man,

Hang in there. Things will get better. Stay sober and the people in your life will forgive you. Show (don't say) that your working towards sobriety and they will come back into your life.

You need help and don't be too proud to admit that or that you have a problem.
 
Drug Wench please stay strong ,I read your thread. You're a great source of inspiration to many on this board including myself.

I'm in my eighth day of sobriety. I would be lying if I didn't say these are the most difficult and lonely days of my life to this point. I haven't contacted my family or friends to make ammends. My recovery is nowhere near the point where I should break out the pom pom's.

Having a real tough time getting over my ex, it's killing me inside. I really blew that one. Don't know how it's possible to love anyone that way again. The wounds are still fresh, I feel it all without the chemical crutch. Wide awake a prisoner to my thoughts on a nightly basis.

Being of use is important to me. As a human being it's my responsibility to contribute in someway. I'm doing some volunteer work at the shelter in exchange for a guaranteed place to sleep on a nightly basis. Whether it's talking to a young person in need of encouragement or washing the sheets. No job is too menial now. This is a marathon and not a sprint, I hope I can keep pushing forward with these demons that are between my ears.
 
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