Ketamine - exp - I saw my past

[Super_Special_K]

I slipped into the K-hole..

I saw myself as a child playing on the playground of my elemtary school, I saw my days of gymnastics class, tap, ballet, jazz, and toe.. I watched myself as I starting running toward the vault.. I told my teacher it was too high.. that was the day I smashed my face into it, broke my nose and quit gymnastics.. Too bad I was pretty good at it.. I remembered the awesome feelings of flying through the air on uneven bars, the nervousness of trying to stay on a 4" beam in times of pressure.. and the rush from each tumbling pass on the floor..

I saw myself as a pre-teen playing basketball, volleyball, tennis, softball, soccer, and bowling.. I saw my old teammates, I talked to them.. I caught up with them.. I saw myself on the stage during academic track performing an interpritive reading. I saw my old friends, we all looked so young.. I saw band class where I learned to play the clarinet.. I watched myself smoke my first cigarette with the neighbor kids in the woods, the first time we got our hands on some wine coolers in 7th grade..

I saw myself as a teenager just trying to get through the day.. The feeling of being outcasted came back as if I was still there. I saw myself in classes, my old teachers, and peers. I watched as I went to my first party and smoke weed for the first time.. I watched as I lost my viginity at the age of 14.. I saw myself with ex boyfriends, relived the pain of breaking up.. I relived my parents divorce, my mom screaming that my dad had done something terrible.. how I locked myself in the bathroom for hours, half in shock.

And then the worst of it.. I met my son.. the son I aborted at the age of 18.. He said he understood, and that he forgives me.. he was beautiful.. The perfect child.. and at that moment I just began to cry.. how could I do such a horrible and selfish thing.. I saw myself laying on that table, I screamed and tried to stop myself.. not go through with it.. I wanted my baby.. But I watched as that doctor ripped my son from my womb, I saw myself scream in pain, it was the worst moment of my life and I was being forced to relive it.. I turned back to the beautiful child standing next to me, and he started bleeding everywhere.. his arms were ripped off, his legs.. it was the most gory thing I have ever witnessed.. he looked at me and said "goodbye mommy" and then the doctor grabbed him by the head, and twisted until it popped off..

This was definately an eye-opening expierience.. It was scary and extremely depressing.. but I do not regret it.. I have been locking away grief and it found a way out.. It may be some time before I do this drug again.. but I will.. I am glad it happened.. it gave me a reason to look at it, and now I can start to deal with it.. and hopefully finally heal..
substancecode_ketamine

 

[nikol]

As unfortunate as all of that was to have to relive again, at least you understood why it happened.
Great report, take care.

 

[JJ_in_DFW]

Great report. Sometimes it takes very powerful drug-induced experiences like that to confront your inner demons... but very, very important to do so imho.
Thank you for sharing.

 

[Olyn]

Damn.

Best of luck with the healing process.

 

[inotocracy]

Yikes, that sounds like a horror movie. Good report.

 

[It's a baby!]

Good report; makes me want to try ketamine all the more. Too bad there's pretty much no rave scene in my town and any club drugs besides overpriced e-pills are near-impossible to find.

 

[FlippingTop]

wow

 

[Jabberwocky]

Thanks for sharing such a well written and personal trip with us. Its really special to me to be able to read such private and deep experiences.

I retitled your TR to match our desired format. If the experience level does not match then you can PM me (but its not really a big deal either way).

peace and love!
samadhi

 

[bighooter]

both times i did k i just felt paranoid and slightly drunk but without the social side of it.

 

[lazydullard]

amazing. thanks for sharing.

 

[Pillthrill]

Jesus Christ...that makes me want to stay as far away from K as possible...

 

[limestoneman]

Holy fuck...
I didn't think Ket had that kind of power.

 

[BreakingSet]

This brought to mind the words of Joseph Campbell: "that which you do not experience positively, you will experience negatively." Your son forgiving you is a positive expression of the emotion and memory you've held inside. The healing has begun The time is right to forgive yourself.

 

[vortex30]

Don't regret past decisions, I'm sorry that you had to go through with an abortion, it must have been terrible, but you mustn't regret it, for there is absolutely nothing you can do now. That was a great report though, it made me feel nostalgic for some reason, even though my childhood and teenage years went absolutely nothing like that, lol. Ketamine has done that to me though, my oldest memory was actually remembered in a K-Hole, and I definitely know that it occurred. It was when I was oh, 2 or 3, and my cousin was giving me a kiss on the cheek for my birthday, or something, and I was trying to tuck my cheeks in because I thought I was blushing and everyone was laughing at me, haha.

I'm so sorry though, that you had to go through with the abortion, and then seeing your unborn child being mutilated by what you would interpret as your own doing. Ketamine can do that, it can really force you to face those problems you're holding deep down.