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    The Rules Of A Fuck Buddy 
    #1
    Bluelighter mrs-mojo-risin's Avatar
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    Now I know this topic has been talked about over and over on blogs but Iíve never seen it done on Bluelight and I thought it would be interesting to get some input from Bluelighters!

    What exactly defines a fuck buddy? Iíd call it someone that you only ever see with the intention of sleeping with. You donít hang out outside of the bedroom and you donít call each other up the next day to say you had a good time, unless youíre calling for another session. Itís not a friends-with-benefits situation, itís somebody that you have in your life purely to satisfy your sexual needs.

    Iím the kind of person whose current ideal relationship is that of a fuck buddy. I canít really stay in a stable relationship but I have a very healthy sex drive and I have no problem holding onto someoneís number knowing that I can call them up whenever I want for some good old fashioned fucking. Iím not really into one-night-stands (or at least not frequently) because I like to know for certain that the person Iím sleeping with is not a lunatic.

    But is there more to a fuck buddy than the desire to have sex with each other? It sounds simple and too good to be true and the truth is, it can be sometimes, although it shouldnít have to be. But it can be a tricky situation if itís not done right. Everybody has their own set of rules and opinions so I thought I would share some things that have worked for me and open up the floor to other peopleís suggestions. Feel free to ask one another to explain why they have a certain rule and of course you are entitled to disagree with them.

    Itís not like Iím an expert in the field, far from it, but having had numerous fuck buddies over the years, with a wide variety of ages, I have put together my own set of simple rules which I live by when entering and trying to maintain a purely sexual relationship with another person.

    So here they are:

    1. Both parties must have respect for each other; itís that simple. No respect, no sex.
    2. Both parties must understand the situation. You both need to know that what you have is purely physical and nothing more will ever develop out of it. If you arenít sure or feel the other person may not be certain about the situation then you must ask or explain the circumstances.
    3. There should be a mutual physical/sexual chemistry or attraction to one another. If you canít bear to look at the person sober or theyíre not wild enough for you in bed then there is no point in continuing a relationship based on sex with them.
    4. You must both be able to communicate what you want, when you want it, and how you want it. Remember, you are both spending time together in order to get what you want, which is satisfaction. If they arenít sure or arenít doing something the way you like it, then tell them how itís done before giving up completely.
    5. You should have few or no mutual friends. This one is very important to me. It can become a very sticky situation if you know a lot of the same people and may have to be careful in making sure that nothing is revealed to them. You shouldnít have to worry about being found out. Itís okay to have mutual friends in a friends-with-benefits situation, but not with a fuck buddy.
    6. Only call/text/email/message/whatever with the intention of fucking or arranging your next fuck. They need to understand that that is all there is between the two of you and that thereís nothing more to say.
    7. This leads me to my next rule, which is: share little about your life or day except the basics. Sure, you can make some small talk asking how their day was, finding out what they do for a living or whatever, but donít go on a rant about what a bad day you had at work, how your friend is getting married soon, blah blah blah. You are there to have sex, not to find a confidante or establish an emotional connection.
    8. This next rule is not set in stone by any means but I find it is best if you see each other no more than once every other week. Seeing each other any more than that tends to lead to one person developing feelings for the other or the sex becoming less exciting. Although there have been a couple of occasions where it has worked seeing somebody once or twice a week, it has never lasted for very long.
    9. NEVER under any circumstances should you spend the night at their place or let them sleepover. I donít care how tired you/they are or how drunk, call yourself (or them) a cab and get out of there. Once the sex is over, their purpose has been met and there is no need for them to stick around. Why would you want to experience the morning after with your fuck buddy whom Iíve already said you shouldnít be sharing much personal information with? If you want morning-after sex then tell them youíll call in the morning and kick them out.
    10. Always use birth control. Ladies, you better be on the pill or some other form of it. And if you arenít exclusively fucking each other (that is, you havenít agreed that you wonít fuck anybody else) then you should be using condoms too. Why risking getting an STD from whomever else they may or may not be sleeping with?
    11. Play out your fantasies and try new things! With a fuck buddy, you donít have to worry about what they think or how they may react to your strange requests. If they donít want to try something out then either deal with it or try with someone else. The point of a fuck buddy is satisfaction, so donít be afraid to get creative!
    12. Another rule, which not everyone may agree with, is to not discuss anything about your fuck buddy and your escapades with your friends. Personally, I feel that a fuck buddy is a private thing and they should only be thought about when you desire sex, not while you are having coffee with your friends discussing their boyfriends or girlfriends. Although I think it is okay to share a bit of a really juicy or extremely gratifying night once in awhile!
    13. Finally, one of the most important yet often ignored rules: once someone develops feelings for the other or another person, STOP! If you donít end it quickly, things will get very complicated and messy, I guarantee it.

    So thatís all Iíve got for now! Please do add onto this list and feel free to discuss any of the ones Iíve put up so far. If you need any further explanation, go ahead and ask! Remember, these are just my opinions, but they have always worked in my situations.


    Oh and one more thing Ė what do you think about having daytime sex with your fuck buddy? Itís something Iíve never done before but my schedule over the next couple of weeks may call for just that and Iím not sure if itís entirely appropriate or not. I canít see myself going without sex for that amount of time though so Iíll just have to hope things work out! I donít see why they shouldnít though as long as the other rules are still followedÖ

    Also, how do you dispose of your fuck buddies? Do you just stop calling or do you tell them the truth, whatever it may be? Or maybe you lie and say youíve fallen hard for someone else and are starting up a real relationship with them? Iíve never had a messy disposal, usually it has involved one of the parties moving away or a mutual falling out, but I would love to hear how some of you have gotten yourselves out of the situation.
     

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    #2
    i thinnk they seem like okay rules but IMHO i dont think you can define any relationship.. there will always be other contributing factors & exceptions to the rule
     

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    #3
    no such thing as fuck buddies not for me some will always have feelings and become week
     

  4. 06-03-2007, 08:15
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    #4
    Bluelighter Doppelganger's Avatar
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    lol @ this thread.

    To the OP: Clearly you've thought this through very thoroughly - you truly seem genuinely intelligent, however some things should not be analyzed and broken down into 'rules'

    By doing so, and by the list of your rules, you're bound to be extremely disappointed in others over the course of your life.

    I personally wouldn't be able to conform to your rules, as I prefer my personality traits of being spontaneous, indulgent, idealistic + much, much more. This means if I get drunk and want to stay in my [imaginary] fuck buddy's bed for the night, and he felt mutually, then so be it. This means if he pops into my mind, and I feel I've got something to say that he'd be happy to hear, I can call or message him. This means if I develop feelings for him, I allow myself the luxury of at least expressing my feelings - and giving myself a chance.

    Why have rules when they're completely unnecessary? All rules do is suppress your individuality. They simply tell you how you should act - which at least sometimes, will be diametrically opposed to how you WANT to act. And when you take this into consideration, you're only hurting yourself, and all for nothing!

    I can only speak for myself, but if I'm going to get hurt in the dating game - I'm going to get hurt by risking the chance of an increased state of happiness. Not by suffering in silence and self-denial, in the name of a few stupid rules.

    Tell me: what purpose do they serve, exactly?

    Feel free to restrict yourself... but I'll fly free, baby .
    Last edited by Doppelganger; 06-03-2007 at 11:08.
     

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    #5
    Bluelight Crew lil angel15's Avatar
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    I'm a little confused...what's the difference between a 'friends-with-benefits' and a 'fuck buddy'..... I thought they were the same thing really....
     

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    #6
    Bluelight Crew hoptis's Avatar
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    It occurs to me that the OP has thought this out a fair bit and they seem like pretty reasonable rules. A few things I want to comment on though.

    In general the rules seem to weigh heavily towards making sex almost a transactional arrangement (without money of course, not that there's anything wrong with that) but to the extent that rule number seven commands that there is no or very little discussion of everyday matters, I don't agree with that.

    Sexual chemistry can come just as much from how you interact with someone, it doesn't necessarily have to translate to wanting to have a relationship or develop deeper feelings for each other. Acting almost like a robot around each other is unlikely to develop this chemistry very far.

    There's a big difference between knowing about someone, even thinking highly of them as a person and wanting to be their partner... if people can't separate the two, with sex thrown into the mix, then any sort of sexual arrangement probably isn't something they should pursue from the start.

    I don't think it's necessary to have rules about what you can talk about and whether or not you can sleep over as long as rule two is observed... that's the important one.

    With rule 10, I think it's sufficient to come to an agreement that only birth control is necessary when both partners get tested from the beginning and agree that they will only have unprotected vaginal or anal intercourse with each other.

    With rule 12, I highly doubt this is ever going to be enforceable. I don't think I know of many heterosexual men who can keep quiet to their friends about having sex on tap.

    And what's wrong with daytime sex with a fuckbuddy? How is that different to night sex? I don't get it.
     

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    #7
    Bluelight Crew lil angel15's Avatar
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    Daytime sex is hot!
     

  9. 06-03-2007, 13:37

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    #8
    Bluelighter chopped_chimp's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hoptis
    With rule 12, I highly doubt this is ever going to be enforceable. I don't think I know of many heterosexual men who can keep quiet to their friends about having sex on tap.
    Probably very true. However I have always had a problem with the girl spilling the beans to everyone. I've never met a woman who couldn't keep it to herself.

    This is only generally a problem if she's in your group of friends.
     

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    #9
    I have found it is not a good idea to be fuck buddies with your friends, or people in your circle of friends. This often ends messy and is a easy way to break a circle of friends up. If you are fucking people in your circle of friends, they are almost always going to talk to eachother about it, after all, your all friends. If your after a fuck buddy, i'd stick with randoms, people that are not connected to your everyday life.
     

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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by mrs-mojo-risin

    Oh and one more thing Ė what do you think about having daytime sex with your fuck buddy? Itís something Iíve never done before but my schedule over the next couple of weeks may call for just that and Iím not sure if itís entirely appropriate or not. I canít see myself going without sex for that amount of time though so Iíll just have to hope things work out! I donít see why they shouldnít though as long as the other rules are still followedÖ
    Daytime sex is great!!! As is morning sex....

    It's funny how they're all slightly different.
     

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    #11
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    i'm with doppelganger - what is the purpose of a set of rules like this?

    if it is, as it seems, an attempt to categorise or distill the limitless spectrum that is human emotion and sexuality, then, to me, that's a total waste of time. indeed, you make reference to or allude to the importance of privacy but you list your rules on a public website. it doesn't really compute for me and i don't really see the point...



    alasdair
     

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    #12
    I too don't see the point of these "rules".

    Especially the no cuddling/sleeping over one as it seems very cold/crass.

    I'd also want absoultely NOTHING AT ALL to do with someone who goes by these rules (as they are too limiting), or a person who thinks of me just as someone they can use for sex, or who thinks of people as being "disposable".

    Did you copy this from a blog? I've seen variations of your "rules" on people's myspace pages.
    Last edited by PriestTheyCalledHim; 06-03-2007 at 20:41.
     

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    #13
    Bluelighter L O V E L I F E's Avatar
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    Compared to these rules, The U.S. Tax Code is simplistic.

    Rules are typically made only when past similar situations have dictated that a rule is NECESSARY.

    And, arbitrarily, by religious and political leaders.
     

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    #14
    Is a set of rules like this a way to justify promiscuity?
     

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    #15
    Bluelighter L O V E L I F E's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 9mmCensor
    Is a set of rules like this a way to justify promiscuity?
    "Promiscuity" doesn't need to be justified, certianly, not to you, by people you've never met.

    And as I alluded to earlier, arbitrary sets of rules, in my experience, are more often than not bandied about by individuals or groups, who for some strange reason, are of the opinion that their personal viewpoints on certain issues ought to allow them to set up rules so that they, because they know better and are morally superior to the rest of us, ought to control other peoples' lives.
     

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    #16
    ^^It almost seems like it....

    ^Promiscuity does indeed need to be justified to many people in their own minds

    I like to keep my fuckbuddy setups cut and dry (especially since two of them ended up falling for me, which is really fucking obnoxious), but I don't see any need for such rigorous/strict guidelines. I'd rather just let things happen as they happen and deal with things as needed. "Fuckbuddy" indicates that this person is more than just someone off the street, so there is at least a smidgen of relationship there. Relationships grow and evolve, however little that may be, no matter what. I'd rather not constrain one just because of the way it started - or force one past its expiration date just to get laid a few times.

    And as much as we like to pretend, sex isn't some robotic act where we get our jollies and then say good night and leave as if nothing happened. An orgasm pumps a lot of chemicals through our brains, and those chemicals trigger emotions whether we like it or not - as do the chemicals generated during all our social interactions of any kind with any person. If all you wanted was an orgasm, a release from sexual tension, you could get that with a vibrator or a hand, no? And you could do it without having to worry about some crazy set of codified rules.

    Frankly, I'm thinking ya might have a few issues regarding sex that you need to work out for yourself...
    I enjoy celebrating the occasion of the baby Jesus turning into a bunny rabbit (or whatever happened) cos it's a great excuse to get drunk - felixdahousekat
     

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    #17
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    I can see how these rules could work for a specific individual; however I don't think they're applicable to anyone but the OP. In other words, the thread-starter post will probably not be the least bit helpful to anybody (no offense intended), unless it simply steers someone toward deciding to try the "fuck buddy" thing and developing a set of guidelines that works for them personally.
     

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    #18
    Bluelighter L O V E L I F E's Avatar
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    Another thing that many people fail to account for in these types of situations is this:

    It is virtuallty impossible for anyone to predict how one's FEELINGS for someone will be in the FUTURE.
     

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    #19
    Bluelighter getreal's Avatar
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    Mrs. MoJO~

    I think you have an excellent set of rules. I would follow them if I had one, (a FB)!

    ON a more serious note I know sometimes things can get 'touchy'- especially if one partner, well, doesnt break the rules per say but subconciously tries to see which rule can be broken? If that makes any sense.

    I KNow MMJ will understand it
     

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    #20
    Bluelighter jam uh weezy's Avatar
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    MY fuckbuddy rules: 1. Rules suck. 2. You better be good in bed.
     

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    #21
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    i often find myself nodding when reading a post of ll's and i was this time too.

    i'm intrigued by this thread so let's go back to the op. to mrs mojo risin - what, to you, is the value of posting a set of rules like this?

    alasdair
     

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    #22
    Bluelighter mrs-mojo-risin's Avatar
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    Ah, I love a little Bluelight controversy! At least this post has served its purpose by creating a well-rounded discussion with some very intelligent, varied and valid responses.

    So first off, the main question seems to be why there is a need for any rules at all? Why did I post this in the first place? Well perhaps I shouldnít have called these ďrulesĒ but rather ďguidelinesĒ. Iíll admit Ė I am a very private and protected person. I donít trust people easily and it takes me awhile to feel comfortable around anyone so Iím always trying to stop myself from getting hurt, which I know isnít very healthy, but I feel in a fuck buddy situation, one in which I have no intention of developing a further relationship with the person, it is best to set some boundaries. Of course there are always exceptions to rules and sometimes life prevents you from following things that you had set out to do (or not do). If I did ever develop feelings for a fuck buddy I would definitely not just cease all contact with them. However, according to my second rule, I would communicate with the person and let them know how I felt or else it would not be fair to either of us. This is also not to say that I donít ever break my own rules because of course I do!

    The main reason I wrote this specific set of rules is probably due to the fact that I recently got out of a messy situation with a fuck buddy and entered a new very healthy one in which I donít want to mess up by repeating the same mistakes I did with the previous one. With the one before, I broke almost every rule except the first (although even that one I sort of did, as I donít think I ever had that much respect for the person). Some of the rules, like not revealing too much about your day-to-day life or sleeping over, are personal ones that I have had to set for myself because they have been part of what caused me to fall for previous fuck buddies and complicate the situation. Of course that is not to say that you canít do it. Even now, I have broken those rules with my current FB and things have worked out fine so far.

    I also hope you don't think I'm some frigid robotic bitch who completely uses people for sex because even though my post may have had me come off like that, I actually think of myself as quite a compassionate and caring person (most of the time at least!). My relationship with a fuck buddy is still one in which I care about the person (to a certain extent though) and I want to please them just as much as they please me.

    So anyways, I hope my original post hasnít offended anybody although I doubt it has. I really should have called my rules "guidelines" and emphasized the fact that they are very debatable and will be different for every person. I more or less posted my own to start a discussion and hear about other peopleís relationships with their fuck buddies. But take this post and interpret it and do with it as you wish!

     

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    #23
    Bluelight Crew Johnny1's Avatar
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    I have found that oxytocin is very difficult for most women to overcome no matter what the understanding is. Penis goes in pussy, oxytocin released in the woman, woman feels empty and bad if it was just a fuck and he's disappeared until the next one. Especially if she likes and respects him. There are exceptions, but typically attachment will form because of the sex.

    Wikipedia on oxytocin: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin
     

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    #24
    ^ so *that's* what it is!!

    I myself tend to go along the flow. Sexual chemistry is a must - I'm in it for the sex, right? Attraction is alright, good even, but there is one (and only one) thing: if serious feelings are developed over the course of time, I'm not going to go on..as I've said, I'm in it for the sex.

    Friends with benefits and fuck buddies differ in the way that, I'm friends with the former. The unspoken rule about feeling still applies, although I'll try to stay friends with that person if possible.
     

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    How do I apply? 
    #25
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    Are any ladies holding auditions for being their fuck buddy? Send me an application form. Thanks
     

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