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  • Trip Reports Moderator: Xorkoth

60mg Adderall (first) - The Highest I Have Ever Been - Thought I was going to die.

SpunkySkunk347

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 15, 2006
Messages
1,719
Intro(Go ahead and skip if you want to get to te experience but I highly recommend for the point of understanding this post that you read this intro.)
I can honestly say this was the highest I have ever been, and I don't consider that a good thing. After this experience I have decided to quit my drug use for good. Not even because I am scared of using drugs again, but because I have lost any desire to use drugs.
This isn't an average trip report. Basically this is what a wrote down as I was under the effects of adderall. I would like for you to give me your opinion as to whether what I was experiencing was from what my mind perceived as a near death experience, or if it was because I was under the influence of this drug.
I highly disrecommend the use of drugs after this experience especially uppers. Do your best to try and understand this report.

Basically this starts out as something I was just writing as an attempt to keep my thoughts in order, but it turns out to reveal a deeper message that was lurking in the depths of my mind. It slowly came out as I became more and more paranoid and more and more worried about death. Eventually I got to the point of enough mental preperation that I was prepared to die.
Remember, this is something that I wrote down while thinking I was moments from death and I didnt have any intent to share it with anyone but myself.
Looking back it was foolish to have been so scared, but when under the influence of such a high dose of amphetamine it made more sense. I think now that most of it was paranoia. It may seem laughable, maybe even a little korny, but it wasn't that way at all while it was happening.

Begining
I won't go into how I got this stuff for the purpose of my own security but at 7:37 am I ingested three 20 mg pills of adderall. According to an Erowid Vault, 35mg should produce "a good buzz"... which to me meant take more because 35mg will not be good enough. If only I had researched a little more and realized that I was taking a pretty high dosage, I could have avoided this all. I then went to school.

At around 8:00 am I started thinking that it had kicked in and started to feel jittery and energized. Looking back I am pretty sure this was placebo, and I only thought it had came into effect.

When first hour began I took my seat with a smile on my face. I felt a small wave of euphoria come over me and realized that the drug was taking effect. It kept coming in stronger and stronger, until the point where I started wondering when I would stop coming up. It got to the point where the euphoria became overwhelming and frightening. All it took was for me to think just for 1 second that I might have overdosed, and then after that it was all I could concentrate on. My mind began to ask questions like, "Did I take too much?" "Should I tell somebody?" "Am I overdosing?" "Why haven't I stop coming up?". Such paranoia took a hold of me that I figured the only way to stay conciouss for the next hours to come and to not blow my cover, would be to keep a journal to organize my thoughts. I wrote this:
(I will try not to change anything I have written down, unless for the sake of my security or grammar reasons.)
_ _ _
I will be writing this down to help process my thoughts as my mind travels through hell.

I have written the word on my arm so if someone finds me unconciouss they might see the word and realize.

I don't know if my body can handle this.

I don't know if I should actually be worried or if this is just paranoia.

Taking deep breaths to relax.

I am going to pray for forgiveness in case I don't make it out of this.

So little time has passed by on the clock but it feels like an hour.

I'm so close to shouting for help.

Going to take deep breaths, relax.

In the unfortunate event that someone reads this, pray for me.

Limbs feel so heavy yet so light.

A strange sense of numbness is around me.
Are my nerves failing? I have to stop thinking like this.

My body is going into a basic survival mode.

I have to pretend that this is all just paranoia, even if it isn't.

Drank some water, the bottle went down in 4 seconds.

As soon as the other kid gets back from the bathroom, I will ask to go get a drink of water.

I feel like I should tell somebody just so somebody will know what to do if I pass out.

Going to make a note and leave it in my pocket telling what I did.

Maybe if I take my mind to something else, I will settle down. This is just paranoia.

I'm going to think about what I'm going to do when I get home, I will play a game on my computer.

Stay awake.

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb plays in my mind, it helps me relax.

Stay awake.

Reason why I did it:

At first it was to help me with shool today, but I think I did it to help explore my mind.

And I am exploring my mind alright, I found out what really matters to me is love.

The meaning of life is to love one another.

If some body reads this, please share it with other people.

I think I am experiencing nirvana, they say you experience it before you die.

Everything is clear to me now. Life, the universe, the concept of creation.

Everything is working for one another.

If I live now, I have found a new meaning too my life.
If I die now, I will have died free.

I can only imagine what my internal processes could be thinking right now:

Some strange chemical that my body has never seen before enters my system, and my body is hungry because it hasn't eaten, so it digests as much as it can.

Suddenly jolts of energy shoot through me. Nerves begin to go numb and start to die from being overwhelmed. Then my body realizes what a horrible mistake its made, even though it feels so good.

The numbness causes panic at first but then my body adjusts and begins to like it.

Internal processes that have kept me alive so long begin to fail but my body stands back and ignores it because it is trying to enjoy the bliss that it is in.

My mind is now split into two parts.
One part admires this drug while the other part is worrying about death and writing last requests.

Maybe this is why the effects are split into two parts that are the excact opposite?
I feel heavy, yet light.
I feel tense, yet relaxed.
I feel euphoria, yet discomfort.
I feel bliss, yet worry.
I feel life, yet death.
I feel physical and mental hell, yet spiritual nirvana.

I look around the room and see familiar and friendly faces. It comforts me.

They are all so happy and experiencing the wonders of life.

All worry of death is still here, but it is overpowered by this wonderful feeling.

People say Monday is such a boring and horrible day to die on.
But today feels like a good day to die, not that I am suicidal.

I am sad.
But not the kind of depressed sad that you get when people around you hate you and your life is falling apart,
But the kind of sad that you got as a little kid when you get the present you always wanted on Christmas day, when tears of joy fill your eyes, when everyone around you is happy at how excited you are, when you feel loved.

It's the kind of feeling that you get when you walk out of the theater for a really good movie that had a powerful ending.

But also the sad feeling you get when you have to leave your friends and family for a long time.

The kind of warmth in the heart you get when you see small children playing and having fun.

Funny isn't it? I started writing this out as something to keep my mind focused, but ended up talking about my appreciation for life.

It may not make sense to someone else who reads this, but it all makes sense to me.
Never before in my eyes have I been able to put the thoughts in my head so beautifully down on paper.

Have you ever heard comfortably numb? I always thought of it as a song describing Heroin or some narcotic, but I can see it representing this drug.

Maybe it isn't even about a drug at all! Maybe its just about the wonderful feeling and joy for life that can be experienced with a drug.

This mental feeling would normally take years of meditation and studying to achieve, but for me it was experienced with 3 high dosed pills.

After this I don't ever really want to do drugs again, but I have discovered a new admiration for drugs. I would have expected to experience this feeling with a hallucinogen but no.

For anyone reading this please, do not do drugs. Although this experience was worth while for my mind, I can only imagine the damage I have done to myself in my physical form. Overall this experience was not worth it. The only way I could possibly recommend drugs after this would be for the use of a none dangerous/addictive hallucinogen under a controlled environment soley for the purpose of mental exploration.

Although I may take this drug a few more times for the purpose of mental exploration, it will only be to expierience this feeling more and to study it. After all, I believe I have achieved one of the highest states of spiritual being for my physical form and life on Earth.

Please don't do this, it was foolish of me for underestimating the dose I took. I should have been more prepared for the risks involved, but NOTHING could have prepared me well enough for this experience.

I am about 90% sure that this spiritual state I am in will not last for much longer, so I am going to try and experience it again the proper way, through prayer and meditation.

Instead of thinking of going off on some drug binge after reading this, I want you instead to appreciate your life and realize the best thing you have in your life is love.

While you might lose your job, your house, your pets, your money, your health, and family members,

there are two things you will never lose. The experience you have had and the love you had with other people.

I don't mean to preach at all, or force my beliefs on you, that is wrong.
I just want to share with you what I have learned.

Appreciate your life with others and your life on Earth.
Appreciate what you have, not what you want.
Appreciate Earth, the only home your physical life will ever know.

Whether you believe that the Earth is 5,000 years old or 14 billion years old, whether you believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins or if single celled organisms evolved into complex living things, whether you believe in heaven, hell, purgatory, or nirvana. The only thing that truly matters is that we are all here with the ability to interact and love each other.
_ _ _

Think of this as what you will. The least I can say is thanks for reading it, I am sorry it was probably a pretty long read.

I ask of you of one thing, I would like you to tell me whether you think I thought that way because I was under the influence of a drug or because I thought I was having a near death experience.

Kind of towards the end there I drift from more of a journalistic approach to as if I am talking to someone else. This "someone else" I am talking to I pereceived to be an audience that was viewing what was going on in my mind.

During all that time (around 4 hours) my mind went back to Drugs 101 to think of what to do in case of an overdose. Luckily I was sane enough to follow through with this. I don't know if any of it actually worked but it helped reassure myself that everything would work out fine.
I told my friend that I had a note in my pocket explaining what had happened in case I passed out.
I drank as much water as I could find.
I tried to eat the healthiest thing I could find with the lowest sodium (unfortunately that was a granola bar from the vending machine.)
I urinated as much as I could to help everything get through my system.


What happened the rest of the day?
Slowly I came down and finally relaxed. The comedown was horrible, but I have had worse comedowns. Now more than 12 hours later I am still feeling some effects.

The rest of the day I tried to be the most nicest friendliest person I could.

I felt like Scrooge on Christmas day. I was graceful for just being alive.
I talked to people about thing I normally wouldn't say and apologized for wrong actions in the past. This had always been on a "to do" list in the back of my mind but I never actually had the will to do it.

The Effects
I'm sure some of you are interested in the effects of Adderall if you have never taken it.

I felt:
-numbness
-blazing euphoria
-heavy yet light limbs at the same time
-dizziness
-A feeling of being energized yet also feeling exhausted at the same time
-Headache on the comedown
-Nausea on the comedown
-Mild Hallucinations (could have been because I was panicking or because of amphetamine psycosis.)
-A feeling that I am viewing my physical body in 3rd person
-Seperation from reality
- A feeling that I was about to pass out (notably when I stood up and started walking.)

Conclusion
Reading it over, I am suprised. That doesn't sound like me at all.
I really hope that the knowledge I gained from this experience will stick with me for the rest of my life.
I can not believe that I reacted so badly. I have taken very strong hallucinogens throughout my life and barely had a hint of paranoia. I guess everybody reacts differently to things. Does anybody know the lethal dose for Adderall? Maybe I was actually overdosing. I took 60 mg of Adderral XR. I am a male, 220 lbs, didnt eat anything since the night before, and I had zero tolerance.

Any feedback appreciated. Including negative feedback: What didn't you like about it? Was it boring? Was it korny? Was it too long of a read? Anything you don't get?

I will try to answer all questions.
Thank you all for reading.

Probably the most horrible thing about this all is that when it was over, I wanted more Adderall.

Because of fucking jackasses who are too lazy to look for the point, and would rather just bitch at me because of a view I am not forcing them to agree with, I will just tell you the point of this thread.

The point is that you can't underestimate drugs. You wouldn't underestimate taking 10 hits of acid and you shouldnt underestimate taking some "mild" drug like adderall. People react differently. And you truly cant rely on what someone on the internet tells you, sure this forum is great and can lead you in the right direction but you should still no matter what expect anything and prepare for the worse each and every time you swallow a pill.
 
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It's a bummer that you let yourself get so freaked out but that's what adderall does, especially when taken at recreational doses--let's you zone in one one thing and your mind will stay locked in on that thing for a long time--which is why I had to stop taking it in high school, I would take it and totally zone out at times rather than focusing on what I should have been.

That said, I am male, 140 lbs and have taken up to 150 mg XR with no adverse side effects other than the expected: no sleep, no appetite, sore throat, tiny penis, etc. Not sure how that compares to the IRs that you took but I have take 60mg IR multiple times and functioned normally.

I don't get how you've had many psychedelic experiences and still been overwhelmed by adderall, but like you say, it affects everyone differently.

I'm sure you will regain your desire to use drugs in the future, please don't let this experience turn you off to all drugs, some just aren't for everyone.
 
Bauer095 said:
It's a bummer that you let yourself get so freaked out but that's what adderall does, especially when taken at recreational doses--let's you zone in one one thing and your mind will stay locked in on that thing for a long time--which is why I had to stop taking it in high school, I would take it and totally zone out at times rather than focusing on what I should have been.

That said, I am male, 140 lbs and have taken up to 150 mg XR with no adverse side effects other than the expected: no sleep, no appetite, sore throat, tiny penis, etc. Not sure how that compares to the IRs that you took but I have take 60mg IR multiple times and functioned normally.

I don't get how you've had many psychedelic experiences and still been overwhelmed by adderall, but like you say, it affects everyone differently.

I'm sure you will regain your desire to use drugs in the future, please don't let this experience turn you off to all drugs, some just aren't for everyone.

I guess the reason why hallucinogens didn't freak me out is because I had some idea what to expect when I took higher doses. I had some experience when I went straight to high doses of psychadelics.

As with adderall, I have hardly any stimulant experience, did not research, so when it hit me at a high dose I had no fucking idea what was going on.

Just found out that according to wikipedia the lethal dose can be as low as 58mg for people with no tolerance. Wikipedia says bullshit alot so I don't know...

As for doing drugs in the future, I don't know. This wasn't my first bad trip at all, but it did wake me the fuck up into reality and make me realize that drugs werent the way to go in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love drugs, but after this final experience I think that drugs really dont do anything besides give the user a false sense of what he wanted without him having to work for it. Everyone thinks that they will never get caught if they are careful, but I got news: everyone will fall from their peak of drug usage sooner or later. Whether it be winding up in a hospital, end up in prison, losing your job, losing your relationship with loved ones, or death. All it takes is for one time to get a bad batch of something, to do a little too much, or to just be unlucky and end up getting caught. It's not worth it.
 
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yeah I don't know I don't consider 60mg a high dose, many ADD/ADHD kids take 30mg as daily medication, and one of my friends from high school used to take as much as 50mg to be able to concentrate in school.
 
but I got news: everyone will fall from their peak of drug usage sooner or later. Whether it be winding up in a hospital, end up in prison, losing your job, losing your relationship with loved ones, or death. All it takes is for one time to get a bad batch of something, to do a little too much, or to just be unlucky and end up getting caught. It's not worth it.

that's bullshit, and it pisses me off when people try to pass this off as truth. drug users, while often gaining a reputation for having no self control, can in fact be very responsible people and safely keep drugs as a part of their lives for as long as they live. Drug users have high paying jobs, families, all the things that you think are important to you--name them, drug users can do it just as well as their sober counterparts.

I don't know how, at 17 years old or whatever you are, you can say that everyone will fail, you had a bad experience with adderall and think it opened your eyes to the way the world should flow, well it didn't, this is going to wear off in the next few weeks and you'll realize how dumb it is to generalize and classify all drug users as facing some impeding downfall.
 
to bauer: certain people have tendencies to blame bad experiences on other influences rather than their own heads...
 
You guys dont realize it.
Drugs, are bullshit.
I was just like you, "FUCK YOU FUCKIN NARC, ITS A DRUG USERS CHOICE TO DO DRUGS, ITS HIS DECISION STAY OUT OF IT!".
All drugs do is give you a false sense of what you want, without you having to actually work for it. Go ahead argue with me about it, but seriously ask yourself if that is true or not.
Now I know I am not going to get a lot of support for this post in particular since this entire board is inhabited by junkies.
Sure you can live a good life while on drugs and still pay your taxes, keep your job, fuck your wife whatever... but its not worth it. And when your 60 and some guy in a nursing home has to wipe your ass for you because you are too fuckin brain dead to do it yourself you will regret it all. It can't have a positive outcome.
I agree though, a person's drug usage is completely up to the user and I am for legalization for drugs and everything else. But I have made a personal choice to not do drugs anymore, you asked why, I gave you the answer.

No it won't all be normal in a few weeks and I will be back on drugs, I'm sick of the bullshit. I don't see how when people on this board say that they are going into rehab for heroin people completely take their side but when people such as me try and help everyone else by telling them whats going on I get yelled at.
My dad was never a part of my life because he was too busy with drugs and now his brain is fucked up and he acts like a child.
My little brother is fucked up because his mom was a meth addict when she was pregnant.
My step dad is an alcoholic who has done almost nothing besides drink and bitch at me.
My uncle is dieng from a heroin addiction, my step sister's mother is only 30 years old but looks like she is 60 from meth.
Not to mention I have a long history of schizophrenia and I don't want to risk ruining my life because I wanted to get high.

So dont fucking act like your life is so fucking hard and I'm just a high schooler who doesnt know shit.
I am sick of drugs, they are bullshit.

But I don't want to argue that is not the point of this thread at all.
I am still staying at bluelight even though I am fucking sick of drugs, just because I dont want fucking idiots (such as myself) to make the same mistakes as I have with overdosing or trying to IV codeine or taking 10,000 mg of tylenol or some other stupid shit I have seen people on this board about to do.

BTW: I have taken Marijuana and Alcohol of course, and lorazepam, valium, LSD, dxm, morphine, codeine, hydrocodone, oxycodone, salvia, some research chemicals that i dont even remember, ecstacy (probably was MDA, 1 time only), ambien, and a bunch of fucking medicine cabinet drugs that I regret and some others I cant remember.
 
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Not to mention I have a long history of schizophrenia and I don't want to risk ruining my life because I wanted to get high.

well you didnt seem to care when you took the aderall... maybe you're just a particularly self-destructive person.

All drugs do is give you a false sense of what you want, without you having to actually work for it. Go ahead argue with me about it, but seriously ask yourself if that is true or not.

*asks self*

no, its not true. drugs make me feel good, and thtat is what I want. its not false, just a different means to the same end result.
drugs help me understand myself better as a person. they help me understand the world better.

And when your 60 and some guy in a nursing home has to wipe your ass for you because you are too fuckin brain dead to do it yourself you will regret it all. It can't have a positive outcome.

When I started taking drugs, I chose to accept any risks I may be taking for the sake of exploration & discovery. If the unknown is not explored, wasn't explored, where would we be now?
 
AcidRain said:
to bauer: certain people have tendencies to blame bad experiences on other influences rather than their own heads...
What other influences have I blamed this on? Isn't it clear that I stated I made a mistake by taking a drug thinking "its only fuckin add meds" and suffered the consequences? What didnt you understand about this? Think before you fucking post.
 
since this entire board is inhabited by junkies.

this tells me you know very little about the kind of people that post here 8(

So dont fucking act like your life is so fucking hard and I'm just a high schooler who doesnt know shit.

when did I ever complain about my quality of life, you're the one telling us how hard your life is dude, and honestly we don't care. Everyone has their stories to tell and history with chemicals, be it good or bad, I'm sorry that your life has been surrounded by bad experiences and maybe it's good that you discovered that drugs aren't for you, but DO NOT be so stupid as to try and say that everyone who uses drugs will be brain dead and worthless later in life, drugs damage your brain and body when used irresponsibly, and drugs like alcohol are much more harmful to the body and have a history of prolonged abuse amonst it's users, whereas there have been 0, count them, 0 deaths as a direct effect of marijuana use. And if you read the posts on here at all you will realize that the vast majority of people here are concerned about using drugs in as safe an environment as possible, and do so successfully.

I'm glad your crazy 60mg adderall trip was the catalyst you needed to ensure you don't end up like the rest of your family and I apologize for suggesting that your sentiments wouldn't last, but man, if your reasons for staying around on this board are to protect others and to teach harm minimization, learn a thing or two for yourself first, because it's not going to do anyone any good for you to come on trying to tell us all that "drugs are going to fry your brain dude, they ruin everyone's life that stays with them for any period of time".
 
AcidRain said:
If the unknown is not explored, wasn't explored, where would we be now?
The rest of your post is ok, it is your choice for all of that good for you. But this part annoyed me.

The unknown has already been explored. people have dedicated their lives to testing drugs and testing possibly poisonous chemicals so that you dont have to. For you to try and "explore the unkown" as you put it and ignore the advice that dedicated people have brought to you is foolish. Sure the information that the "experts" give the public could be biased, actually very biased. Drugs arent outlawed just by some "government conspiracy" like a lot of drug users like to think but they are outlawed for a reason, they are fucking bad for your health. I still think they should be legal, I just think that the government should educate people on drugs instead of just making them illegal.

How did this thread lead to this, can we get back on subject and not argue. Im sorry if I seem like an asshole, it's just that some of the people on this forum think they are somehow more intelligent and superior to the general population.
 
i took 120mg and did a gram of coke the first time i did addies i thought i was goin to have a heart attack
 
Bauer095 said:
"
I don't know how, at 17 years old or whatever you are, you can say that everyone will fail, you had a bad experience with adderall and think it opened your eyes to the way the world should flow, well it didn't, this is going to wear off in the next few weeks and you'll realize how dumb it is to generalize and classify all drug users as facing some impeding downfall."

"when did I ever complain about my quality of life, you're the one telling us how hard your life is dude, and honestly we don't care"

The first part of my quote shows that you have little to no fucking respect for me just because of my age or because I freaked out on a "mild" drug,

And me "telling how hard my life is" was not that at all, I showing you that no one I know has had a positive outcome from drug use. And I was showing you the reason why I wanted to stop doing drugs so I wouldn't end up like them.

I don't have a hard life at all. I have a computer and internet obviously, I'm not complaining. Sure we all have hard times, and the hard times in my life arent shit compared to some peoples.
 
read my last post before you quote earlier ones, you hadn't explained your family history when I made that post.

And I have a lot of respect for you for coming on here telling us why you're quitting drugs, and I was merely saying that at 17 I don't think you have the history with drugs to be equipped to make a generalization saying everyone who uses will meet an untimely demise.
 
SpunkySkunk347 said:
Because of fucking jackasses who are too lazy to look for the point, and would rather just bitch at me because of a view I am not forcing them to agree with, I will just tell you the point of this thread.

The point is that you can't underestimate drugs. You wouldn't underestimate taking 10 hits of acid and you shouldnt underestimate taking some "mild" drug like adderall. People react differently. And you truly cant rely on what someone on the internet tells you, sure this forum is great and can lead you in the right direction but you should still no matter what expect anything and prepare for the worse each and every time you swallow a pill.

I started this thread with the best intentions but unfortunately people would rather complain about a view I have which I openly told they shouldn't have to agree with.
 
Spunky, I'm sorry you had this experience, and I think that if you feel that drugs are bad for you, then great, and more power to you. If they create a problem in your life, then the responsible and admirable thing to do is quit them.

However, please just understand that just because you had a bad experience with them doesn't mean that everyone else is just lying to themselves. Drugs are not inherently good or bad - they're just chemicals that alter your consciousness, the same as hundreds of other chemicals do all the time such as hormones, neurotransmitters, gases in the air, and so forth. Of course some people do manage to you use poorly and they, perhaps, shouldn't be using drugs. But others, and no offense here, truly, but generally more mature individuals who aren't teenagers any longer, are able to have a good relationship with drugs.

So what I'm saying to you is just to try to keep an open mind about it and realize that one's own perspective never paints the whole picture. Through a lot of work aned moderation and maturity, to me psychedelic drugs are very powerful and transformative tools towards understanding and mind expansion. They're not the only one, and meditation is ultimately more powerful, but at this point in my life I am still not able to reach the depth in meditation as I am in psychedelics. And the fact is you're really not in any position to try to tell me whether or not they work for me.

Very good and thorough report though, man.
 
Bauer095 said:
read my last post before you quote earlier ones, you hadn't explained your family history when I made that post.

And I have a lot of respect for you for coming on here telling us why you're quitting drugs, and I was merely saying that at 17 I don't think you have the history with drugs to be equipped to make a generalization saying everyone who uses will meet an untimely demise.
I didn't mean to say it that everyone is going to fall to their doom.

If you smoke pot your penis isnt going to fall off or something stupid like that:\

What i was trying to say is that what comes around goes around and all the fun times you had with drugs are going to effect you later in life. Drugs could have a positive or a negative outcome. But really I think it is very hard to obtain only positive outcomes from drugs and you can never control something or predict something as serious as drugs.

Drugs arent candy and arent something to fuck around with. It may seem like that but when you underestimate them like that you are extremely vulnerable to a bad trip or maybe something worse like jail time and hospitalizations.

That is what I learned and that is the reason why I made this thread. This isn't the only reason why I quit drugs and me quitting drugs was not the point of this thread. As you can see in my other posts, those are the main reasons why I am not doing drugs anymore. It's just a personal decision and you don't have to agree with it or even like it.

Did I explain it a little bit better this time?

Xorkoth said:
But others, and no offense here, truly, but generally more mature individuals who aren't teenagers any longer, are able to have a good relationship with drugs.

Very good and thorough report though, man.

Yeah no offence taken I totally understand what you are saying and agree with you.
But the problem is that some people who do drugs during their teenage years dont ever really mature past that point.

It's also good to see a little bit of support and a post that wasnt offensive or not intentionally offensive.
 
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