Intro(Go ahead and skip if you want to get to te experience but I highly recommend for the point of understanding this post that you read this intro.)
I can honestly say this was the highest I have ever been, and I don't consider that a good thing. After this experience I have decided to quit my drug use for good. Not even because I am scared of using drugs again, but because I have lost any desire to use drugs.
This isn't an average trip report. Basically this is what a wrote down as I was under the effects of adderall. I would like for you to give me your opinion as to whether what I was experiencing was from what my mind perceived as a near death experience, or if it was because I was under the influence of this drug.
I highly disrecommend the use of drugs after this experience especially uppers. Do your best to try and understand this report.
Basically this starts out as something I was just writing as an attempt to keep my thoughts in order, but it turns out to reveal a deeper message that was lurking in the depths of my mind. It slowly came out as I became more and more paranoid and more and more worried about death. Eventually I got to the point of enough mental preperation that I was prepared to die.
Remember, this is something that I wrote down while thinking I was moments from death and I didnt have any intent to share it with anyone but myself.
Looking back it was foolish to have been so scared, but when under the influence of such a high dose of amphetamine it made more sense. I think now that most of it was paranoia. It may seem laughable, maybe even a little korny, but it wasn't that way at all while it was happening.
I won't go into how I got this stuff for the purpose of my own security but at 7:37 am I ingested three 20 mg pills of adderall. According to an Erowid Vault, 35mg should produce "a good buzz"... which to me meant take more because 35mg will not be good enough. If only I had researched a little more and realized that I was taking a pretty high dosage, I could have avoided this all. I then went to school.
At around 8:00 am I started thinking that it had kicked in and started to feel jittery and energized. Looking back I am pretty sure this was placebo, and I only thought it had came into effect.
When first hour began I took my seat with a smile on my face. I felt a small wave of euphoria come over me and realized that the drug was taking effect. It kept coming in stronger and stronger, until the point where I started wondering when I would stop coming up. It got to the point where the euphoria became overwhelming and frightening. All it took was for me to think just for 1 second that I might have overdosed, and then after that it was all I could concentrate on. My mind began to ask questions like, "Did I take too much?" "Should I tell somebody?" "Am I overdosing?" "Why haven't I stop coming up?". Such paranoia took a hold of me that I figured the only way to stay conciouss for the next hours to come and to not blow my cover, would be to keep a journal to organize my thoughts. I wrote this:
(I will try not to change anything I have written down, unless for the sake of my security or grammar reasons.)
_ _ _
I will be writing this down to help process my thoughts as my mind travels through hell.
I have written the word on my arm so if someone finds me unconciouss they might see the word and realize.
I don't know if my body can handle this.
I don't know if I should actually be worried or if this is just paranoia.
Taking deep breaths to relax.
I am going to pray for forgiveness in case I don't make it out of this.
So little time has passed by on the clock but it feels like an hour.
I'm so close to shouting for help.
Going to take deep breaths, relax.
In the unfortunate event that someone reads this, pray for me.
Limbs feel so heavy yet so light.
A strange sense of numbness is around me.
Are my nerves failing? I have to stop thinking like this.
My body is going into a basic survival mode.
I have to pretend that this is all just paranoia, even if it isn't.
Drank some water, the bottle went down in 4 seconds.
As soon as the other kid gets back from the bathroom, I will ask to go get a drink of water.
I feel like I should tell somebody just so somebody will know what to do if I pass out.
Going to make a note and leave it in my pocket telling what I did.
Maybe if I take my mind to something else, I will settle down. This is just paranoia.
I'm going to think about what I'm going to do when I get home, I will play a game on my computer.
Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb plays in my mind, it helps me relax.
Reason why I did it:
At first it was to help me with shool today, but I think I did it to help explore my mind.
And I am exploring my mind alright, I found out what really matters to me is love.
The meaning of life is to love one another.
If some body reads this, please share it with other people.
I think I am experiencing nirvana, they say you experience it before you die.
Everything is clear to me now. Life, the universe, the concept of creation.
Everything is working for one another.
If I live now, I have found a new meaning too my life.
If I die now, I will have died free.
I can only imagine what my internal processes could be thinking right now:
Some strange chemical that my body has never seen before enters my system, and my body is hungry because it hasn't eaten, so it digests as much as it can.
Suddenly jolts of energy shoot through me. Nerves begin to go numb and start to die from being overwhelmed. Then my body realizes what a horrible mistake its made, even though it feels so good.
The numbness causes panic at first but then my body adjusts and begins to like it.
Internal processes that have kept me alive so long begin to fail but my body stands back and ignores it because it is trying to enjoy the bliss that it is in.
My mind is now split into two parts.
One part admires this drug while the other part is worrying about death and writing last requests.
Maybe this is why the effects are split into two parts that are the excact opposite?
I feel heavy, yet light.
I feel tense, yet relaxed.
I feel euphoria, yet discomfort.
I feel bliss, yet worry.
I feel life, yet death.
I feel physical and mental hell, yet spiritual nirvana.
I look around the room and see familiar and friendly faces. It comforts me.
They are all so happy and experiencing the wonders of life.
All worry of death is still here, but it is overpowered by this wonderful feeling.
People say Monday is such a boring and horrible day to die on.
But today feels like a good day to die, not that I am suicidal.
I am sad.
But not the kind of depressed sad that you get when people around you hate you and your life is falling apart,
But the kind of sad that you got as a little kid when you get the present you always wanted on Christmas day, when tears of joy fill your eyes, when everyone around you is happy at how excited you are, when you feel loved.
It's the kind of feeling that you get when you walk out of the theater for a really good movie that had a powerful ending.
But also the sad feeling you get when you have to leave your friends and family for a long time.
The kind of warmth in the heart you get when you see small children playing and having fun.
Funny isn't it? I started writing this out as something to keep my mind focused, but ended up talking about my appreciation for life.
It may not make sense to someone else who reads this, but it all makes sense to me.
Never before in my eyes have I been able to put the thoughts in my head so beautifully down on paper.
Have you ever heard comfortably numb? I always thought of it as a song describing Heroin or some narcotic, but I can see it representing this drug.
Maybe it isn't even about a drug at all! Maybe its just about the wonderful feeling and joy for life that can be experienced with a drug.
This mental feeling would normally take years of meditation and studying to achieve, but for me it was experienced with 3 high dosed pills.
After this I don't ever really want to do drugs again, but I have discovered a new admiration for drugs. I would have expected to experience this feeling with a hallucinogen but no.
For anyone reading this please, do not do drugs. Although this experience was worth while for my mind, I can only imagine the damage I have done to myself in my physical form. Overall this experience was not worth it. The only way I could possibly recommend drugs after this would be for the use of a none dangerous/addictive hallucinogen under a controlled environment soley for the purpose of mental exploration.
Although I may take this drug a few more times for the purpose of mental exploration, it will only be to expierience this feeling more and to study it. After all, I believe I have achieved one of the highest states of spiritual being for my physical form and life on Earth.
Please don't do this, it was foolish of me for underestimating the dose I took. I should have been more prepared for the risks involved, but NOTHING could have prepared me well enough for this experience.
I am about 90% sure that this spiritual state I am in will not last for much longer, so I am going to try and experience it again the proper way, through prayer and meditation.
Instead of thinking of going off on some drug binge after reading this, I want you instead to appreciate your life and realize the best thing you have in your life is love.
While you might lose your job, your house, your pets, your money, your health, and family members,
there are two things you will never lose. The experience you have had and the love you had with other people.
I don't mean to preach at all, or force my beliefs on you, that is wrong.
I just want to share with you what I have learned.
Appreciate your life with others and your life on Earth.
Appreciate what you have, not what you want.
Appreciate Earth, the only home your physical life will ever know.
Whether you believe that the Earth is 5,000 years old or 14 billion years old, whether you believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins or if single celled organisms evolved into complex living things, whether you believe in heaven, hell, purgatory, or nirvana. The only thing that truly matters is that we are all here with the ability to interact and love each other._ _ _
Think of this as what you will. The least I can say is thanks for reading it, I am sorry it was probably a pretty long read.
I ask of you of one thing, I would like you to tell me whether you think I thought that way because I was under the influence of a drug or because I thought I was having a near death experience.
Kind of towards the end there I drift from more of a journalistic approach to as if I am talking to someone else. This "someone else" I am talking to I pereceived to be an audience that was viewing what was going on in my mind.
During all that time (around 4 hours) my mind went back to Drugs 101 to think of what to do in case of an overdose. Luckily I was sane enough to follow through with this. I don't know if any of it actually worked but it helped reassure myself that everything would work out fine.
I told my friend that I had a note in my pocket explaining what had happened in case I passed out.
I drank as much water as I could find.
I tried to eat the healthiest thing I could find with the lowest sodium (unfortunately that was a granola bar from the vending machine.)
I urinated as much as I could to help everything get through my system.
What happened the rest of the day?
Slowly I came down and finally relaxed. The comedown was horrible, but I have had worse comedowns. Now more than 12 hours later I am still feeling some effects.
The rest of the day I tried to be the most nicest friendliest person I could.
I felt like Scrooge on Christmas day. I was graceful for just being alive.
I talked to people about thing I normally wouldn't say and apologized for wrong actions in the past. This had always been on a "to do" list in the back of my mind but I never actually had the will to do it.
I'm sure some of you are interested in the effects of Adderall if you have never taken it.
-heavy yet light limbs at the same time
-A feeling of being energized yet also feeling exhausted at the same time
-Headache on the comedown
-Nausea on the comedown
-Mild Hallucinations (could have been because I was panicking or because of amphetamine psycosis.)
-A feeling that I am viewing my physical body in 3rd person
-Seperation from reality
- A feeling that I was about to pass out (notably when I stood up and started walking.)
Reading it over, I am suprised. That doesn't sound like me at all.
I really hope that the knowledge I gained from this experience will stick with me for the rest of my life.
I can not believe that I reacted so badly. I have taken very strong hallucinogens throughout my life and barely had a hint of paranoia. I guess everybody reacts differently to things. Does anybody know the lethal dose for Adderall? Maybe I was actually overdosing. I took 60 mg of Adderral XR. I am a male, 220 lbs, didnt eat anything since the night before, and I had zero tolerance.
Any feedback appreciated. Including negative feedback: What didn't you like about it? Was it boring? Was it korny? Was it too long of a read? Anything you don't get?
I will try to answer all questions.
Thank you all for reading.
Probably the most horrible thing about this all is that when it was over, I wanted more Adderall.
Because of fucking jackasses who are too lazy to look for the point, and would rather just bitch at me because of a view I am not forcing them to agree with, I will just tell you the point of this thread.
The point is that you can't underestimate drugs. You wouldn't underestimate taking 10 hits of acid and you shouldnt underestimate taking some "mild" drug like adderall. People react differently. And you truly cant rely on what someone on the internet tells you, sure this forum is great and can lead you in the right direction but you should still no matter what expect anything and prepare for the worse each and every time you swallow a pill.