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    the lesbian guide to eating pussy (every man must read) 
    #1
    Bluelighter
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    right boys you think your got the gift of the tounge
    think you kno whow to use uit well guess again
    get the not pad out and start taking notes cause this is how its done and done properly

    The lesbian approved guide to eating pussy.


    Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they donít like it but because it is really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so itís time we broke it down. Like this.
    The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you canít read the emotional road signs, youíre going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.
    Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, ďAlthough I am about to rock your insides with 3,000 pounds of explosives, hereís a little treat session to show you how I really feel.Ē Instead of a screamed ďOH MY GOD!!Ē like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous ďohmygodohmygodohmygod.Ē Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (thatís French for ďeat,Ē you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or a ďCalgon, take me awayĒ ad.
    Break it down!

    Be Down
    Donít go down unless youíre down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you donít want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes will be forgiven.

    Donít Say High to Dry
    A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for a while. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all thatís needed to get the honey dripping.
    Once youíre sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. Thereís nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure sheís really begging for it before you get under the covers.
    Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950ís milkshake with two straws.
    Important: Donít play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78 percent of a womanís pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.

    Submarine Mission for You, Baby
    Once sheís lathered up, itís time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and donít touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like youíre going away on a vacation.
    Though itís very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.
    Stat by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Donít get carried away with those stupid tits, though. Thatís something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now itís all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move toward the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head to the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.
    When youíre just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Donít spend too long there or she might start to think that you think thatís the actual cunt. By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If youíre doing it right, sheíll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like sheís been holding her breath for three days.
    Extra Trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think youíre having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all know that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steaminí crawdaddies.
    Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.

    Parting the Red Seas
    Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the Cavity Creeps are to dental hygiene. Youíre never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PiL album That What Is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.

    The Grand Entrance
    Do your first lick super slow. Itís good to groan and moan too. It shows youíre digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these St. Bernard licks before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick).
    This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If itís real sensitive, sheíll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means youíre in for an easy ride. If thereís no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and youíre in for a thirty-minute session of tongue tendonitis.

    Rock the Boat
    Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If youíre getting tired of being a ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard whoís boss.
    After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. Heís surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden youíre giving the pee hole the seeing-to of its life. Think of the clit as a tumor in a pile of earlobes. When you push down on the area, heís the only one that canít be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention on getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.
    Extra-important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.

    Identifying the Clit Type
    After the slow licks itís time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori; ones that enjoy a serious going-over and ones that donít. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.
    Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes, and sensitivities; but that doesnít really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning, but the only way you can tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach, but just do the best you can. All I can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and ďOh my GodĒ means bring it on.

    Clits That Need a Serious Going-over
    These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now heís on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an airtight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. Heís not going to tell you shit because heís a clit and he has no idea of what youíre talking about, but kick his ass anyways. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like itís too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but itís a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.
    As youíre closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. Youíre almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.
    Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Micmac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.
    Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isnít over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If sheís multiorgasmic, youíll have to keep going until youíve done the whole routine another four or five times. If youíre not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down.

    Clits That Donít
    Some clits donít want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If youíre getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here, pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesnít cum, youíre going to be in a foul mood, so if itís too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.

    The Conclusion
    Once youíre done (totally finished), sheís going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you donít move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.

    EXTRA BONUS TRACKS

    Getting Fired
    If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start pulling you up, youíve just been sacked. Sheíll tell you she never cums from that anyway, but the truth is you suck at sucking. Just give her a jolly good rogering and look at the whole thing as a learning experience. Later you can ask what the problem was so you can get it right the next time. If youíre really lame, you can ask for a regular play-by-play from the broadcast booth. A bit of the old ďslow-down-youíre-going-to-fast-yeah-there-like-that-oh-thatís-perfectĒ can turn even the John Wayne Bobbitt of pussy eaters into a Doug Hart.

    The Power Lunch
    Nothing keeps you in the game and makes her cum harder than a mid-fuck munch. Pulling out in the middle of the race may leave her a bit confused, but itís a great way for all you premature ejaculators to simmer down a bit and it reminds her neglected clitoris that heís a somebody. If after a few seconds she still isnít into it, you can save face by pretending you just couldnít resist. Give it up and get back to the boff.
    Extra tip: Unless you like the taste of your own latex-covered dink, keep your mid-fuck snacking to the upper clit region and stay away from the whole.

    The Bottom
    Fingers: If you are dealing with a particularly saucy vixen she may want something in her bum. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but keep in mind you are doing a raunchy thing and this should be saved until the end. Incidentally, if youíre trying to introduce a bum finger as a good thing, try eking it in during orgasm. If it doesnít wreck everything you could have a Pavlovian response on your hands for the rest of the relationship.
    Hole: Weíre not going to get into licking the actual hoop in this section because if youíre into that, youíre way too advanced for this seminar and should have graduated with a PhD in pussy years ago.
    Cheeks: Bum-cheek rubbing is always good. There are over five hundred thousand nerve endings on those cheeks, so giving them a good squeeze or a slap while you lick the pussy will get you instant results.

    The Double Whammy
    Though some idiots (like me) say it takes away from when you actually put in the dink, simultaneous fingering is a great way to totally blow her mind. Think of it as the crack cocaine of cunnilingus.

    Being Knackered
    Tongue exhaustion is the number-one cause of abandoned mange-ing, but there are many ways to avoid it. Like we said, using your tongue as an inanimate object is a great way to give it a rest. Stick it out as far as if can go and tense it. Then bite into it with your teeth and move it around the cunt using your neck muscles. Another solution is simply to use your fingers on the clit while you give your mouth a rest.
     

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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by magpi

    Be Down
    Donít go down unless youíre down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you donít want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes will be forgiven.
    blowjobs shouldnt be favors either and if the chick going down on me isnt into it then its a pretty big buzzkill for me too.

    thats all ive read up to so far and i already have a problem with this guide.
     

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    #3
    Bluelighter Strawberry_lovemuffin's Avatar
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    Goddamn. Well I think this sounds pretty spot-on, and I hereby unselfishly offer up my services if anyone needs to practice
     

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    #4
    I like the advice about using your mouth as a vaccuuming cleaner.. and watch the hips if she raises her pussy up that means catch the clit if the sinks her hips in get a little closer to the hood, dont forget the hood! I myself get off from clit and hood stimulation and when my boy presses against my hood while sucking my clit i rub my snatch all over the face and love it!

    BTW if you have a lovely woman who does love anal stimulation always ask her if your finger feels ok, sometimes you wont notice a "tiny" hang nail, but as good as it feels to her afterwards the asshole WILL be sore, and I know i hate it when i have to let my asshole recover. And find out if she likes double stimulation with clit, I love it when he fingers my pussy and my asshole at the same time.

    I think communication is key regardless to the guide, when i first started becoming intimate with MGS he would always apologize for interrupting the "snack" but it number one encouraged trust and he learned to read my body language, sometimes you have to put down the pride and ask, does this feel good, what do you like most...? even if it makes you work an extra 5 mintues.
    But after that now its like a rollercoaster, i ride his mouth like my own personal play toy and he slops it up like sugar.. We even got to the point where i can ejaculate from the right stimulation.


    His mouth is like gold to me, he is even better than a lesbian..
     

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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Strawberry_lovemuffin
    Goddamn. Well I think this sounds pretty spot-on, and I hereby unselfishly offer up my services if anyone needs to practice
    Stop teasing me like that
     

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    #6
    Bluelighter
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    Quote Originally Posted by Strawberry_lovemuffin
    Goddamn. Well I think this sounds pretty spot-on, and I hereby unselfishly offer up my services if anyone needs to practice
    only if there is mongos involved
    :P
     

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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Strawberry_lovemuffin
    Goddamn. Well I think this sounds pretty spot-on, and I hereby unselfishly offer up my services if anyone needs to practice

    SLM why dont we bag both of them and we can go play behind the bleachers...
     

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    #8
    Bluelighter 69!'s Avatar
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    I will have to read this when I am sober and not right after work...because I like licking my girl, she liked it a lot when I had my two tongue piercings but she still does, I just, well she can usualy cum really fast when I am down there, which is a sort of a turn off for her because after she cums theres no way I can go inside, not only does it hurt, it gets so damn tight, like a nun's arse!
     

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    #9
    I find it helps (if her clit is pea-sized) to insert a finger to massage the spongy, swollen G-spot on the top about two inches inside the vagina.

    Since I don't have a clit (don't ask) when guys get down on me I tell them it doesn't turn me on: I like to fuck.
     

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    #10
    Good refresher reading. Now I just need volunteers to hone my craft on.....
     

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    #11
    Bluelighter LoveAlways's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Strawberry_lovemuffin
    Goddamn. Well I think this sounds pretty spot-on, and I hereby unselfishly offer up my services if anyone needs to practice
    That sounds like fun!!

    This was a great read. Not only did it turn me on, but it seemed very accurate. Thanks for the help!
     

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    #12
    Bluelighter
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    you are all welcum


    being one who loves to feast apon the chicken fish (sorry bad joke but you get that at times) when i foudn this i was so over joid that i ahd to share it
    as i have hard to many of my female friends bitch about guys going down for a growl (again sorry for the bad puns) and just not hitting any of the right spots


    i would also like ot add to this a littel story that will help every girl teach her man just how to use his fingers

    there once was a little man rowing in his little boat but he want quite strong enough so he needed a little help
    so i'll take you to fingers one either side of him
    then then you slowly and gentrly help him row his little boat
    and when it gets to the other side take his little hood off every so nicly and with just ine finger stroke his head around and around you go
    but always remeber to splash alittle water on him or he will get red and angry and want be abel to row again for a little wahile
    oh deear his little boat has strung a leak you minght need to plug it with two extra fingers
    but first you might wan tto bale the little boat out so keep dipping in and pulling out
    just a little fater now as the waters rushing
    but you must remeber to help him keep rowning
    to get to the toher shore

    hoep that helps as well
     

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    #13
    Quote Originally Posted by Mysticalis
    Good refresher reading. Now I just need volunteers to hone my craft on.....
    Comin to milwaukee any time soon??
    I enjoy celebrating the occasion of the baby Jesus turning into a bunny rabbit (or whatever happened) cos it's a great excuse to get drunk - felixdahousekat
     

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    #14
    Bluelighter Pharcyde's Avatar
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    sweeeeeeeeeeeet nice post
     

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    #15
    Bluelight Crew snolly's Avatar
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    That was pretty useful.....
     

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    #16
    Bluelighter Average Whiteboy's Avatar
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    Screw this guide, I haven't had any complaints yet.
     

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    #17
    Bluelight Crew frizzantik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by magpi
    Men suck at eating pussy.
    yes, and women who don't have sex with men are the best people to judge this

    anyways, nothing in your post was ground breaking or anything.. anyone who has had enough experience going down on women could figured out those tips, regardless of what is between their legs. Women have the advantage in that they have more access to the practice equipment, but it's not like men can't learn.

    I'd take the pepsi challenge against a girl anyday
    Last edited by frizzantik; 16-12-2005 at 23:30.
     

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    #18
    Bluelighter Pharcyde's Avatar
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    Im going to bump this for a whole year
     

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    #19
    Quote Originally Posted by kittyinthedark
    Comin to milwaukee any time soon??
    Only if you post more nekkids in the Lounge.
     

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    #20
    Bluelighter
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    Quote Originally Posted by frizzantik
    yes, and women who don't have sex with men are the best people to judge this

    anyways, nothing in your post was ground breaking or anything.. anyone who has had enough experience going down on women could figured out those tips, regardless of what is between their legs. Women have the advantage in that they have more access to the practice equipment, but it's not like men can't learn.

    I'd take the pepsi challenge against a girl anyday


    True, most of it I did know, but it was a good read nonetheless. Ive just recently started eating the pink taco again with the new gf (Oh how I love it). How any man could not enjoy doing this is beyond me. (unless shes smelly, unshaved etc) I would do it for days if she let me. Love threads like these.
     

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    #21
    Bluelighter ian_strong's Avatar
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    good read nothing new,
    oh and magpi with teh NO BITING.... i actually use my teeth a little only usually teh top ones to grab teh clit inbetween them and my tongue and roll teh tongue a little...
    ive had no complaints
    and blowing my own horn here ive actually given three or four partners there first multiple orgasms,
    i to offer to take teh pepsi challenge on this one
     

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    #22
    Bluelighter L O V E L I F E's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Average Whiteboy
    Screw this guide, I haven't had any complaints yet.
    It's hard to complain when you're laughing.
     

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    #23
    Bluelighter
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    i find it very funny that the girls who have posted find this thread a great idea and most of the guys have chucked a slight wobbly and have instantly had to post to prove to themself that they dont need this advice cause they belive in there head that they know what they are doing and havent had any complains so far

    well here is trhe question if your so good and had no complaints about your haed do these girls then beg you every time to give them head because you are aparently good at it

    if not then mayybe you shouldd actualy pay atention

    if yes then think of it a a light refresher course and a little bit of a laugh

    geez
     

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    #24
    Bluelighter ian_strong's Avatar
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    i like ur veiw magpi, well said
     

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    #25
    Bluelighter LoveAlways's Avatar
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    Thumbs up
    Quote Originally Posted by L O V E L I F E
    It's hard to complain when you're laughing.
    haha

    Thats funny because I actually have been laughing out loud every time I read ... "No complaints so far..."
     

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