Two weeks ago I did something I hadn't done in literally years. I decided to go on one of those "tweaker marathons" and binge for as long as I could with no food or sleep. I had just relapsed maybe three weeks ago, so I had completely forgotten what it felt like to stay up past two days. I stayed up fairly long for just having gotten back in the game; I made it up to 6 days with only two 1-hour power naps. Normally I can sleep by day 2, but this time I chose to stay up out of sheer morbid curiosity to enter the realms of insanity. On the end of my 6th day, it had been at least 20 hours since I had taken my last hit, so I was definitely sober. But as I was sitting down playing around on the computer (or MySpace, I’m presuming), something strange happened.
I began getting a very dissociated "buzz," as if I had taken 3-4 valiums or some opioid at once. My first instinct was to go to sleep, but I decided to stay up, because I kind of enjoying this "free" high. My staying up eventually paid off. After 2 hours, I felt a rush in the back of my spine, followed by a very empty feeling in the left handed side of my brain. I began getting THE MOST intense high I have ever gotten (body wise) from any drug. It was more intense than ecstasy, opioids, K, anything. Or it was like a mix of all of them, I don’t know. ..
It appeared as if my soul was trying to escape by caving my chest outwards. My thinking became cloudy, similar to how my mind gets when stoned, but it was accompanied with a very relaxing body high. In fact, it was so intense that I actually believed that somehow somebody had cut my shit with heroin…keeping in mind I had never done heroin before. (But what’s funny is that months later, when I finally did heroin for the first time, the pleasant body high was EXACTLY what I felt at this time.) I felt myself losing control of my muscles, similar to sleep paralysis, except I was not even ready to sleep. I’m not sure as to what could have caused this, but it happened as I was listening to DJ Tiesto’s “U Write the Rules.” I was mesmerized by the song’s power, and I put it on repeat, and I felt myself slipping into a K-hole, which lasted 6-8 hours. Within that time frame I was only able to move my limbs occasionally. I had literally fallen into a trance, and my eyes fixated on the tunnel of light as a black hole closed up around me.
But even with this tranquil high, having not slept for six days, I appeared extremely irritated to others around me. Naturally, the next action I should have taken would have been to rest and replenish my body. But due to the intensity and length of this high (lasting 6 hours) I no longer even wanted to sleep. All I wanted to do was lie down and enjoy this feeling, so I spent the entire time lying on a bed and staring up at the ceiling, listening to music. I chose ambient trance, as vocals in song seemed to bother me as they did not fit in with the robotic vibe that I was feeling. Only electronic music seemed to be compatible with the extraterrestrial mindset I was in. I preferred a very dreamy, “faraway.” Sound as opposed to hard, vocal, or aggressive.
Staying awake this long makes one feel like a robotic alien or foreign insect, exploring Planet Earth for the first time. My body has merely become a machine, as emotions have completely diminished and my inner self has been torn apart. Feeling apathetic about every situation, it becomes impossible to laugh, cry, or portray any human emotion. As I observe myself in the mirror, my eyes reflect a blank stare, closely resembling that of a zombie or corpse. I am a vampire exploring foreign territory. Even then as I looked in the mirror, I felt as if a piece of my soul had collapsed and turned into a black hole, leaving me with a “dead” look.
Slipping away from reality is kind of fun, in a sense. I am mesmerized by the subtle little things I suddenly can pay attention to, all at the same time. Sleep deprivation from meth…truly the craziest high I’ve ever gotten. Meth binging is really different from any other drug…You must be truly intrigued by losing touch with sanity. You must be mystified with the new alternate dimension of reality you will be presented with. It’s important to be careful when binging, it’s so fun you actually forget to eat, sleep, masturbate, and do other daily tasks. I spent probably $300 on dope for that week alone, fucking sleep deprivation: It’s more whack than crack!