Drug-induced Schizophrenia with a Side of Perpetual Delirium
March 22, 2004.
Background: After getting off work, I am was strongly contemplating the ingestion of some hallucinogenic mushrooms. With my previous trip severely lacking in "hallucinogenic thoughts" or mind-opening visuals, I had a very strong desire to re-enter the mysterious world of the magic mushrooms, and to experience the full effects once again. After smoking a blunt, Q suggested that we go see "Dawn of the Dead" at the movies. To me, this sounded like the ideal setting for me to trip. I assumed that I would peak through the entirety of the movie, we would finish the night with a blunt, and I would go home; potentially basking in the wake of an amazing and enlightening experience. I couldn't have been more wrong...
T+ 0:00: It's approximately 9:00pm when we arrive at A's house. I purchase 2 grams of what appear to be very appealing specimens of hallucinogenic mushrooms. In a sense I can tell just by looking at them that this is going to be one mind-blowing experience. I leave A's house while casually chewing the mushrooms, allowing them to dissolve somewhat in my mouth (I had hoped that this will initiate the effects a little quicker. After all, my intention had been to peak through the movie).
T+ 0:40: It's going on ten p.m. and we are making our way to our seats in the theater. At this point I am still undetermined on whether or not this trip will be all I had intended it to be. The introduction sequences have a somewhat awe-inspiring effect on me. Overall however, I can't attribute anything that I am feeling directly to the mushrooms.
T+ 1:40: The movie has been on for about an hour. I am strangely engrossed in the movie, constantly finding myself analyzing the characters and their actions. Having the strange feeling that after watching this movie, I will exit the theater to find myself in a post-apocalyptic town full of cannibalistic zombies. At this point I realize that I am off baseline, but I am still nowhere close to where I should be. Finding myself with very few visuals and almost a complete lack of the infamous mushrooms body high.
T+ 2:20: Upon entering Q's room, I feel strangely out of place. Gazing at myself in the mirror I notice severe pupil dilation. However, from previous mushroom experience they appeared to be shrinking (perhaps I was coming down?). Almost immediately after finishing a blunt, I feel my sense of reality escaping me. Looking around the room, I see incredibly vivid greens and pinks and my vision takes on a underwater feeling. I know this feeling all to well, and I become very uneasy knowing that my trip is just beginning. I continually dismiss it, assuming that this was just one last "rush" as a result of the blunt. I figured this feeling would pass within a short time. I decide to go back to my house to get some sleep.
T+ 3:20: Upon arrival at my house, I know that the peak has hit me fully. I feel extremely uncoordinated, similar to a mild alcohol buzz. Walking is difficult, as is picking up even small objects. I feel as if I am trying to control my body for the first time. Everything seems so alien to me. Suddenly a wave of anxiety crushes my will to live. I am overcome by feelings of uneasiness, knowing that I'll be tripping like for another 2 hours, and not having anything to do.
T+ 3:45: I've firmly decided that the rest of this situation will be experienced from the comfort of my floor. I turn on the TV and grab a pen and a piece of paper (I am feeling surprisingly inspired to write). Immediately upon laying down, I feel myself sinking into the floor. Constant rushes of warmth and trembling envelop my entire body. My mind is flourishing with brilliant and creative ideas, so I decide to write them down. I experience immediate frustration when I realize that I can't write even a 1/10 as fast as I need to, to keep up with my thoughts.
T+ 4:15: Looking back over my page of writing, I am instantly reminded of the intense contradictory thoughts running through my head. The following is one of the first things that I wrote down, it reads: "12am: almost 3 hours after ingestion...writing difficult..thoughts scrambled, difficult to extract one singular idea from a mass of them all flowing together and colliding one after another...bang, bang!!...until they are all dead." It appears that I had even entitled the page: "THE INTENSE RAMBLINGS OF THE SCHIZOPHRENIC MUSHROOMS (?)...CAN'T BE!" I recall the meaning behind the title expressed my extreme distress at feeling utterly insane and schizophrenic. I continually questioned whether I was induced by mushrooms or some sort of other strange drug.
T+ 4:40: This is where it gets completely and drastically unreal. Closing my eyes, I begin to feel a darkness wash over me. I have been here before and I know I'm going to a dark, evil place...the inner sanctums of my own mind. I let the all of the light escape, allowing the darkness to completely take me over. And then I fell...and fell....and fell...deeper into the abyss. Suddenly, I hear "the voice" and it asks, "Why do you feel that you are privileged enough to travel this metaphysical highway?". I told the voice that I had paid the toll by ingesting the sacrament. The voice did not hesitate for a second, allowing me to continue my journey. When I reached the end of this virtual highway in my mind, I experienced an undescribable moment of clarity, when the voice broke in again. This time it pondered, "What do you want to know?" I knew, without a doubt, that I would be able to ask any question and I would receive a truly enlightened answer. However, I found myself gripped with incomparable fear, as I realized I had no question. The voice immediately cast me out of this place of crystal clarity. "I feel trapped...this isn't me. But, I can't find the answer without having first possessed the question," is scrawled onto the center of my page of ramblings. It brings back to me the crippling sense of non-existence and the unsettling feeling that I was not me, or possibly that I was nothing...
T+ 5:20: The following describes the persistent contradictory thoughts running through my head at this time, "I feel like I have the intellect of a child?....but, how would I know the word intellect?" I'm also experiencing extreme frustration at the inability to constantly to see beauty in everything, all the time. For, occasionally, when I would look at something, it would strike me as beautiful. But, it was in a way that is far beyond the reach of our descriptive language. When I would look back on the particular object to behold it's immense grip on me, the feeling of beauty would be gone..."I find a glimpse of beauty and then it is gone....how do i sustain it?"
T+ 6:00: I decide that it's time to attempt to quell these malicious thoughts that continue to assault me. I decide to go to sleep. I must have been delirious. There was no way in hell I was going to sleep. Closing my eyes I can see any color I want. I rapidly shift through all of the ones I can think of...red, blue...green, yellow, white. In a way I can actually "feel" each of the colors. The warmth of red, the sadness in blue and the uneasiness of green. I would eventually pass out, but not without dismissing the notion that there should have been a greater purpose in all of this...
I've decided to end with a few more quotes from my page of nonsense:
"No...it didn't make sense in hindsight. Hell, none of it does. It's all just the ramblings of a lunatic."
"There is more to be said about me within the confines of this page than I, or anyone else will ever now..."
"I will never understand any of this. Why is it all significant, what does it all mean? Does it mean anything? Was I just writing for the sake of writing the whole time? How did it start? When will it end? What does it all entail?...."
"Fucking hands and their damn incapacity to write at a reasonable speed." (This particular phrase degraded into mere scribbles and wiggly lines by the end...i remember the frantic speed at which I wrote).
"I wish there was some way to capture or record my many illustrious thoughts...brain pictures."
"but at the same time I can understand with perfect clarity where this temporary insanity stems from...or can I?"
"what dark, hellish mindstate have i embedded...thoughts...death and destruction everywhere."
"If you could fit the world into the palm of your hand..."
"There is a reason you shouldn't trip alone....if my current mental state could be summed up in a few words then it would be that reason."
"it seems that it all holds some sort of paradox and genius."