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PLEASE help me..I'm so scared..how could he do this? *Update page 4*

Let me just say too: as hard as this is now, there is a greater freedom, independance and sense of self waiting for you on the other side of this relationship. It's just a matter of when you will step over there.

And as weird as it is, I see us scarred ones as the lucky ones......... if you've known these depths you'll know unimaginable highs again. I promise you.
 
I haven't had a chance to read everyone else's reply, but my quick reaction is to cut your loses, and move on.

You seem to have a lot to have a lot of things going for you, and you shouldn't waste your time on this. The tone of your posts about your relationship has not been good. The way he is handling this is unhealthy, and you need to not take blame for his problems.
 
Hi.. I'm real sorry you hafta go through this... I was just wondering if he's an everyday user or a secret user who only does it every now and then when you aren't around (like once or twice a week say)?

I guess it's all the same to you, but to me there's a big difference. When you say he's lied to you all this time, do you mean you've been asking him if he's on meth the whole time and he's denied it.... or the fact he failed to mention he's on it equals a lie? Again, to me, a big difference. I'm not him but I might be able to provide some of his perspective, if it's anything like mine.

Chin up. Follow your heart, I wish you the best.
 
You might have to get out of this before your scarred for good. My perspective is a little different, when I was in this situation I was the one being a prick.

I was going through a bad time, had just discovered I was quite severly bi-polar, was abusing ALOT of drugs (speed, pills, trips, weed) and was constantly being a little shit to my then girlfriend, I was stupidly depressed all the time and constantly drinking. I used to be a moody, verbaly abusing bastard when I was drunk whenever we had an argument. When I was sober I realised what effect it was having and broke it up before I really fucked her head up. It hurt but we distanced ourselfs. I loved her alot, we had a strange relationship.

I never had to lie to her cos I always gave her shit for whatever was going on in either of our lifes. After a while I was suicidal, not cos I wanted her back, just because things seemed to keep happening to me to drag me further down. Tried to do it a few times and failed each time fortunatly. I got dragged into drug and alcohol counselling and was sent to see a psych to be counselled. It was tricky getting my self sorted out but now Im alot happier, don't get angry, don't drink often or take many drugs. My friends and parents helped me as much as they could and now Im starting to realise that even though I am troubled, like alot of people I have to live with it.

You need to seperate yourself from him untill he realises what he needs to do. Him threatening suicide shouldnt deter you, it's a sly trick and you don't need it.
If he's anything like me then hopefully he'll be able to sort his shit out and get a grip on his problems. Good luck and I hope your both OK.
 
im going against what everyone says here about leaving him. if the meth wasnt there, would he have ever lied to you? did things behind your back? made you feel like shit and turned his feelings off? I dont think he would have.

I was in the same position as he was for the majority of my life. my home life and family life was shit for awhile that has led to trust, power, and drug issues with me and any partner i have. Theres a lot going against this boy and even though he doesnt act like it or show it to you, you are his everything. 3 years is a long time to throw everything away and forget the memories, the future plans, the kids, etc. People cheat on their partners with numerous women and still stay together. You want to know how? through getting help for their problems, their love for each other, and the idea that people make mistakes. People make mistakes all the time and your bf had to be the unfornutate one to have all the bad things going for him at once.

With time and understanding, i think you can get through this. Think of all the times he has made you feel like a princess, all the happy and sad times you share, the memories. It got all fucked up because of a drug. a drug. He may have lied to you and did things behind your back, but thats what meth does to people and you are going to have to accept that and move on towards recovery.

Since hes acting quite stand-offish, i suggest laying it on the line for him. If you truely do want to stay with him and help him through this, tell him. Tell him that you love him but feel betrayed and cheated on because of this drug, and tell him it needs to end or your relationship is over. Tell him youll get help with him, go to his classes, talk to him, being supportive because you are not only looking out for him, you are looking out for yourself. if bill clinton can last a marriage when he screwed his intern and spunked her dress, i think you can get through this. But its going to take time, effort, love, and dedication. i wish you the best of luck, and i really hope things work out for you.
 
TWO OUT OF THREE YEARS?? are you joking?

What foundation does this relationship really have, but one of deceit, and causing her absolute hell? She doesn't have to accept anything. He needs to accept that he has a problem and go about fixing it.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and trying results in extreme mental anguish.

I disagree 100%
 
People on meth will lie to you,

you have an the option to leave and start a new life.

The alternative is to stay and risk getting hurt again, but the second time it will be even worse.

Much love :|
 
I'm going to try to offer you a very 'logical' solution. We'll work through it step by step (ahh, the beauty of the internet -- total anonymity)

First, the rules (like gravity, or the speed of light)
1. Some people can get off drugs when they hurt someone they love, some people can't. Hence, sometimes ultimatums work, sometimes they don't.
2. The strength of the relationship has nothing to do with it. In other words, how much he loves you, or how much you love him, has no bearing on the outcome of rule #1. It's more of an innate personality thing.
3. If someone has already been lying for 2 years, they _MAY_ have already made the decision to #1, so keep that in mind.


So, an answer within the confines of these rules (basically, what I would do if I had to face this problem and could solve it unemotionally):

It's not over. But it's over for now. You should tell him you want to break up until he can prove sobriety to you. There is no point in trying to manipulate him into quitting drugs. But you can manipulate him into getting help. So, if you leave him, he may lose his mind over not having you and clean up. And if he doesn't clean up, THEN you know. But if you tell him: promise me to quit drugs now and I'll stay with you, he gets off way too easy. Then later, when you're doubly hurt and give him the quit now or I'm out, he might not clean up just out of hurt or spite. And you'll be very hurt by this outcome.

And as for the fact that he helped you once, long ago??? That was long ago. Love isn't about keeping the checkbook of life balanced. Plus, I get the feeling that you weren't dishonest about your problems back then.

This dude's unhealthy for you. Get some space.

YahooIM: livinginBPM
 
MynameisnotDeja: The following post is from the heart....


Well, Ive been in your situation. Except I was him.

It was pretty much exactly the same. Same drug too... for about the same amount of time... and I'd been with my girlfriend even longer. So while I totally sympathize with you (I know the hell I put my gf through, and she left me for a while too), I can remember exactly how he must feel.

First off, if you think youre feeling bad now, at least know he's feeling much worse. Add how you feel to extreme exhaustion and overthinking and you have a very effective mental torture.

Second, smoking the shit is extremely addictive. Apart from myself, Ive watched friend after friend become a trainwreck.

Third, from his point you are totally overreacting. I can say that with certainty. If you want to understand how he must think of it, think how you would have felt at if your parents caught you drinking at 14 and disowned you because of it. What Im trying to say is that, while to you its a big deal, he probably thinks nothing of having a beer, and he will be smoking it way more often than he'll be drinking beer. To him it will just be something to do... so routine its normal. If he realises youre not overreacting, it wont be until after this.

Fourth, by the time his behavior is getting affected this much, he's probably using some pretty serious amounts. Lots more than you know.

Fifth, if you want to get anywhere with him, dont using the "youve been lying to me" angle. It just wont work. Instead tell him the truth... you dont like watching this happening to him, and you dont like what he becomes when hes on it. Dont let his exhausted mind believe that its because youre controlling. That way, any way he works it, he'll know its because hes making you unhappy.




So I think youre right to leave him. I say that because it worked on me. It nearly destroyed me, but I didnt start to realise what was really happening until the thing in my life that meant the most to me was gone. If it wasnt for that, I just would have kept going. These days we're happily engaged.

That probably didnt help, but I hope it did. Good luck.:\
 
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young livers heal quick said:
Hi.. I'm real sorry you hafta go through this... I was just wondering if he's an everyday user or a secret user who only does it every now and then when you aren't around (like once or twice a week say)?

Just to answer your question, he wasn't an all day every day meth user..he would use every couple of days, and it would go through a cycle..I believe him when he was telling me this because it would be good for a couple of days (probably when he had just gotten high) and then he would be a lot more depressed/irritable/sometimes mean to me for a couple of days, then things would seem to get better.
 
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LivinginBPM said:

It's not over. But it's over for now. You should tell him you want to break up until he can prove sobriety to you. There is no point in trying to manipulate him into quitting drugs. But you can manipulate him into getting help. So, if you leave him, he may lose his mind over not having you and clean up. And if he doesn't clean up, THEN you know. But if you tell him: promise me to quit drugs now and I'll stay with you, he gets off way too easy. Then later, when you're doubly hurt and give him the quit now or I'm out, he might not clean up just out of hurt or spite. And you'll be very hurt by this outcome.

And as for the fact that he helped you once, long ago??? That was long ago. Love isn't about keeping the checkbook of life balanced. Plus, I get the feeling that you weren't dishonest about your problems back then.

This dude's unhealthy for you. Get some space.

YahooIM: livinginBPM

Thank you. What you said is pretty much the conclusion I have come to..we are broken up but we still are friends..I just am not doing a lot of the shit I used to do for him, like doing his laundry and taking care of him in every way..Letting go of him is hard since I feel like I did nothing to cause this, why should I have to lose my boyfriend? But I know that is just a silly heart thought not a mind thought...
And you are SOOOoo right. I have always been very honest and during that bad time I was never in denial that I was fucked up.
 
Jakoz, actually it did help, a lot. I think he does realize it's a serious problem because he has cried his whole life watching his parents addictions..so he isn't in denial that way..but he DOES think I am overreacting whenever I say he needs help.
He has been doing this type of thing:

ME: "I just think you should be willing to get some help."
HIM: "Help with what?"
ME: "With quitting!"
HIM: "Quitting what?"

BLAH whatever. I tell him he is in denial, but FINE if he thinks he can hack it on his own, DO IT. GET CLEAN. I can tell his is so far (looking back now I sorta know how to tell the times he was on it, hindsight, ya know?)...and I kind of think I would know if he touched the shit again.
Anyways an *update*...last night I spent a lot of time thinking about this and wrote him a really long letter...I told him how much I loved him and tried my best to explain why it cannot be the same right now. Because my heart has been hurt so bad, I know that if I try to cling to what once was, I will only cause him pain. I know he doesn't need guilt on top of the guilt he already has...I know if I try to remain his girlfriend every time we have a fight this shit will get thrown in his face. I could try to say I wouldn't do that, but I am human too and I know myself, and yeah, that shit hurt me BAD and is total ammunition in any fight. I don't want to do that to him. That is no way to have a healthy relationship. But I still love him and enjoy spending time with him as a friend, and I want to still do something together for our anniversary (weird I know) although it may not be with the same romantic tone, it is still three years from the DAY we met, and yeah, I don't regret meeting him anymore. (I did for a little while there)
Last night I came to terms with a lot and was able to start to let go of what was. I know that is the ONLY way..the ONLY way we will every have a chance for the future is starting over...one day..slowly...he would not have my automatic trust..(I tend to have a bad habit of trusting until given a reason not to when I REALLY like someone).
For now, I am starting to get excited about life and trying to look on the bright side of this situation. There are a lot of good things about it (for me)

1) I had always felt I was going to need some form of "a break" before I was able to marry Steve..I mean I lost SO much of myself in this relationship I can't even explain...I feel like right now I am sort of a blank slate and I know this is a time for me to experiment and grow as a person and just be free without all the boundries of the relationship to hold me back.
2) Since this situation is ALL HIS causing, I don't have to have any guilt about needing "a break" or anything else...it's not on me, which is relaxing in a way...my worst nightmare was to hurt this boy when he has already gone through so much pain. In a way I am kind of glad it was me who got hurt here, because I know my heart is strong and can handle it.
3) Things were so messed up before, I had an ache inside not knowing what was going to happen or WHY they were so messed up. Now I know, and life can change for the better.
4) There is a chance that if we do get back together, it will be the "fresh start" I know I needed to really feel the spark and the romance again, for things to be real.
5) This will really give us a chance to be independant, when we were SO damn codependant before. I'm kind of forcing myself to tell him "You need to find your own way home from work now" or "You need to take care of getting yourself some food"..it's hard..because I was SUCH a freakin mother to him for so long, but I want to know he can stand strong on his own two feet before he can be my man again.

I just want to thank all you wonderful Bluelighters for helping me through this..I have been on Bluelight for a long time, and yea I've had plenty of rants but this is seriously the first time in a loooong time I have reached out about a problem so close to my heart. All of your advice truly helped me SO much, and I listened to what each and every one of you said and took it to heart...it was the mix of all those differing opinions that led me to where I am right now, the right place within myself I think. You all are such wonderful people and I am *So* proud to be a part of this community.

*Ends Cheesy thank you speech*

;)

Much Love to you all~

*Andi*
 
I know I'm a little late on this one, but I just read it and feel I need to reply.

Originally posted by alasdairm:
you can't help somebody who doesn't want to help themselves.

That was my first thought. You really can't no matter how badly you want to help them, no matter how hard you try, it's just exhausting and pointless.

He clearly needs a wake up call, you staying and putting up with it will not make him change. Your leaving may be the wake up call he needs, and it may not in all honesty, but it's the only fair option to you and your sanity.

I wish you both the best and hope everything works out for both of you. :)
 
Firstly, I'd like to say that my heart goes out to you. I've been in a similar situation lately, but without the drugs. It was a huge case of emotional abuse. Your post made me think about making a thread about it here, but I still dunno.
 
MynameisnotDeja,

First of all, *hugs* , however, I can't stop thinking how you would not be able to tell the he was doing meth for two years without you noticing it? I mean there are some pretty dead-giveaway signs of someone doing meth and all this time you have not noticed anything ?

OR maybe you were just living in denial even though you saw the signs of meth use you thought "no, not MY boyfriend would do that"
 
Crazeee said:
OR maybe you were just living in denial even though you saw the signs of meth use you thought "no, not MY boyfriend would do that"

Just a guess, but I reckon you've hit the nail on the head with that guess.

In hindsight, I can see all sorts of pointers to my ex having an affair with this 'Michelle' character he was with.... intimate emails, her constant visits to our house, her hating me for no explainable reason, his "late nights" at work... it all adds up after the penny drops. But before that, you dismiss it all because the trust is so strong.

I know meth addicts are usually easy to spot, but he perhaps he was cunning enough to hide most of the telltale signs... couple that with his clever 'manipulation' to make her believe her fears were a sign of her own neurosis, then, well... I can totally see how it happened. :\
 
As far as me not knowing..
Well....there certainly were signs, if I had knowns what to look for, and been suspicious in the first place. And you were right, I would have NEVER thought my boyfriend could have lied or held anything back from me, so I trusted him completely..
But as far as the signs..I found foils with meth on them and used foils in the trash in the bathroom, and he told me it was the roomates..since both the roomates openly smoke meth, I didn't think twice about it.
I had noticed he had lost a lot of weight, gotten more pale, and wasn't barely eating. I attributed this to his going on the night shift. He never was out in the daytime so I figured that was why he was so pale. I know he has emotional problems because his dad starved him when he was a child, and beat him when he asked for food and stuff like that, so to me it was perfectly understandable to have issues with food. That part was not even really a lie, that is still the reason he has food problems, he always has..
What really gets to me isn't the signs of the meth use, it's the ciggarettes (he lied about smoking all that time too, I thought he was only smoking once in awhile when we were together) but there were SOOOO many times I would walk into the bathroom after him and see a cloud of smoke and smell ciggs, and he would say "Oh, Ryan was in there before me and he was smoking" or I would kiss him and taste ciggarettes on his breath and be like "DID YOU SMOKE?" and he would be like, "No Ryan was smoking and blew it at me" and I would think...the taste doesn't really get IN your mouth like that when you are just around it...but I would shrug it off because my "boyfriend would never lie to me"...

*Sigh*

Piss on the world!

:X
 
hard to think of what to say

ive never had shit like that happen to me, but ive been through heart break situations before in my life where the person was not who i thought they were. its really horrible. it may not be helpful, but what i used to get through it was just to realize that it was foolish, the person was not who i thought they were, and i was naively in love.

then i went on with my life, did my shit, day by day, and i felt better until she was the last thing i was thinking about. time really does heal. esp when you are young. and you meet better people. you really are better off without him (you are damn good looking in your pics) and now you are free of him. his lie is exposed. its good that it was now rather than later.
 
lots of times you don't see things unless you are specifically looking for them...that's understandable

I had always felt I was going to need some form of "a break" before I was able to marry Steve.
That's no good :(

I think this could be the although seeming bad, most wonderful beautiful awesome experience you'll have to find yourself and then someone else that will appreciate everything you have to offer. He should be kicking himself for screwing things up, but you should thank your lucky stars that (however painful) you got to realize this before you went into a marriage. You've been given a second chance girlie! Make the most of it!!! If you need any single-girl shoulders to cry on, or someone to bitch to, feel free to track me down in chat or pm me :)
 
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