Jakoz, actually it did help, a lot. I think he does realize it's a serious problem because he has cried his whole life watching his parents addictions..so he isn't in denial that way..but he DOES think I am overreacting whenever I say he needs help.
He has been doing this type of thing:
ME: "I just think you should be willing to get some help."
HIM: "Help with what?"
ME: "With quitting!"
HIM: "Quitting what?"
BLAH whatever. I tell him he is in denial, but FINE if he thinks he can hack it on his own, DO IT. GET CLEAN. I can tell his is so far (looking back now I sorta know how to tell the times he was on it, hindsight, ya know?)...and I kind of think I would know if he touched the shit again.
Anyways an *update*...last night I spent a lot of time thinking about this and wrote him a really long letter...I told him how much I loved him and tried my best to explain why it cannot be the same right now. Because my heart has been hurt so bad, I know that if I try to cling to what once was, I will only cause him pain. I know he doesn't need guilt on top of the guilt he already has...I know if I try to remain his girlfriend every time we have a fight this shit will get thrown in his face. I could try to say I wouldn't do that, but I am human too and I know myself, and yeah, that shit hurt me BAD and is total ammunition in any fight. I don't want to do that to him. That is no way to have a healthy relationship. But I still love him and enjoy spending time with him as a friend, and I want to still do something together for our anniversary (weird I know) although it may not be with the same romantic tone, it is still three years from the DAY we met, and yeah, I don't regret meeting him anymore. (I did for a little while there)
Last night I came to terms with a lot and was able to start to let go of what was. I know that is the ONLY way..the ONLY way we will every have a chance for the future is starting over...one day..slowly...he would not have my automatic trust..(I tend to have a bad habit of trusting until given a reason not to when I REALLY like someone).
For now, I am starting to get excited about life and trying to look on the bright side of this situation. There are a lot of good things about it (for me)
1) I had always felt I was going to need some form of "a break" before I was able to marry Steve..I mean I lost SO much of myself in this relationship I can't even explain...I feel like right now I am sort of a blank slate and I know this is a time for me to experiment and grow as a person and just be free without all the boundries of the relationship to hold me back.
2) Since this situation is ALL HIS causing, I don't have to have any guilt about needing "a break" or anything else...it's not on me, which is relaxing in a way...my worst nightmare was to hurt this boy when he has already gone through so much pain. In a way I am kind of glad it was me who got hurt here, because I know my heart is strong and can handle it.
3) Things were so messed up before, I had an ache inside not knowing what was going to happen or WHY they were so messed up. Now I know, and life can change for the better.
4) There is a chance that if we do get back together, it will be the "fresh start" I know I needed to really feel the spark and the romance again, for things to be real.
5) This will really give us a chance to be independant, when we were SO damn codependant before. I'm kind of forcing myself to tell him "You need to find your own way home from work now" or "You need to take care of getting yourself some food"..it's hard..because I was SUCH a freakin mother to him for so long, but I want to know he can stand strong on his own two feet before he can be my man again.
I just want to thank all you wonderful Bluelighters for helping me through this..I have been on Bluelight for a long time, and yea I've had plenty of rants but this is seriously the first time in a loooong time I have reached out about a problem so close to my heart. All of your advice truly helped me SO much, and I listened to what each and every one of you said and took it to heart...it was the mix of all those differing opinions that led me to where I am right now, the right place within myself I think. You all are such wonderful people and I am *So* proud to be a part of this community.
*Ends Cheesy thank you speech*
Much Love to you all~
*Andi*