20 Too Many
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 13, 2018
- Messages
- 3
I was a moderate/semi-heavy user for about 2 years, taking 100-300mg biweekly, then the next 2 years I was doing upwards of 300-1000mg 2 to 3 times a week, usually in the 300-500mg range. But one night about 6 years ago a few of my friends and I decided to have a tab eating contest. Yea, we were extremely foolish, and although ignorance had a part to play, we also just didn't really care.
The tabs tested for MDMA, but the exact dose was unknown. From experience I would say they were about 75-100mg. We were eating them whole, parachuting, snorting, plugging, the whole rainbow except for injecting.
Long story short I had about 15-20 in a 24 hour period. I could tell something wasn't right when I started to have what felt like brain spasms, which would make my whole head twitch. After about 24 hours my roll hadn't decreased much, but out of sheer exhaustion I fell asleep mid-high. When I woke up I still had a fairly strong body high, had unusual sensations in my head, and was extremely forgetful.
6 years later, after staying away from drugs for about 4 years, other than the occasional mush and lsd trip (which I've experienced no negative side effects, only positive), I still have some seemingly permanent side effects. I have a body high that's never gone away, similar to a 100mg MDMA body high. For some reason I can change the intensity of the sensation in specific areas through conscious effort.
My memory at the beginning was bad enough that I could forget what I had just said to someone before they even had time to respond. Luckily my memory has substantially improved, although it's nowhere near where it used to be. I sometimes forget conversations I've had with people that they swear we had talke about on several occasions, and can sometimes have a hard time recalling things. I barely remember what items of mine are mine, so if they're mixed with another person's I usually rely on them to remember so I don't accidentally take something of their's. I try to focus my memory on people, and the experiences/conversations we have instead of material possessions, as it seems much more important to me. My ability to learn seems to still be intact, which I'm very thankful for.
I developed pretty severe anxiety, but with regular meditation I was able to get it under control. At one point it was so bad I couldn't make cohesive sentences. I had depression before this, but it was definitely exacerbated. But meditation, dietary changes, reading, exercisjng, and a few enlightening hallucinogenic trips ended that and brought me to a much more positive place.
Since that day I've never felt temperature the same. Cold sometimes feels like an extremely hot temperature, almost like a burning sensation.
I've been able to stabilize myself well enough to have jobs, think critically, learn new skill sets, and have a calmer, more collected demeanor. It's obvious to me I did permanent damage, but I don't think it is to others. I think I'm a much better person as a whole than I was even before the experience, but that's because of major efforts to become a better human being.
What I'm wondering is, if anyone could give me a more scientific reason for the things I've continued to experience, I have no hope of things improving at this point, but it would be nice to have some idea of what's going on.
For those of you who are also suffering the aftereffects of MDMA abuse, perhaps still years later, just know it is manageable, you can still have a great life, and that even if you've done irreparable damage, you've still got an incredible amount of potential as a human being. Even with the issues you're dealing with you can still accomplish more than a member of any other species on the planet, so don't let your mistakes get you down. At least you're still here.
Edit: I can't stress enough how important meditation was/is for my recovery and to maintain my state of mind. With how chaotic my mind was, I would have either had to medicate myself out of existence, live out my days in a psych ward, or committed suicide. Now I have dreams and aspirations, and actually feel capable of making them my reality. Meditation should be taught at every school, it's that important.
The tabs tested for MDMA, but the exact dose was unknown. From experience I would say they were about 75-100mg. We were eating them whole, parachuting, snorting, plugging, the whole rainbow except for injecting.
Long story short I had about 15-20 in a 24 hour period. I could tell something wasn't right when I started to have what felt like brain spasms, which would make my whole head twitch. After about 24 hours my roll hadn't decreased much, but out of sheer exhaustion I fell asleep mid-high. When I woke up I still had a fairly strong body high, had unusual sensations in my head, and was extremely forgetful.
6 years later, after staying away from drugs for about 4 years, other than the occasional mush and lsd trip (which I've experienced no negative side effects, only positive), I still have some seemingly permanent side effects. I have a body high that's never gone away, similar to a 100mg MDMA body high. For some reason I can change the intensity of the sensation in specific areas through conscious effort.
My memory at the beginning was bad enough that I could forget what I had just said to someone before they even had time to respond. Luckily my memory has substantially improved, although it's nowhere near where it used to be. I sometimes forget conversations I've had with people that they swear we had talke about on several occasions, and can sometimes have a hard time recalling things. I barely remember what items of mine are mine, so if they're mixed with another person's I usually rely on them to remember so I don't accidentally take something of their's. I try to focus my memory on people, and the experiences/conversations we have instead of material possessions, as it seems much more important to me. My ability to learn seems to still be intact, which I'm very thankful for.
I developed pretty severe anxiety, but with regular meditation I was able to get it under control. At one point it was so bad I couldn't make cohesive sentences. I had depression before this, but it was definitely exacerbated. But meditation, dietary changes, reading, exercisjng, and a few enlightening hallucinogenic trips ended that and brought me to a much more positive place.
Since that day I've never felt temperature the same. Cold sometimes feels like an extremely hot temperature, almost like a burning sensation.
I've been able to stabilize myself well enough to have jobs, think critically, learn new skill sets, and have a calmer, more collected demeanor. It's obvious to me I did permanent damage, but I don't think it is to others. I think I'm a much better person as a whole than I was even before the experience, but that's because of major efforts to become a better human being.
What I'm wondering is, if anyone could give me a more scientific reason for the things I've continued to experience, I have no hope of things improving at this point, but it would be nice to have some idea of what's going on.
For those of you who are also suffering the aftereffects of MDMA abuse, perhaps still years later, just know it is manageable, you can still have a great life, and that even if you've done irreparable damage, you've still got an incredible amount of potential as a human being. Even with the issues you're dealing with you can still accomplish more than a member of any other species on the planet, so don't let your mistakes get you down. At least you're still here.
Edit: I can't stress enough how important meditation was/is for my recovery and to maintain my state of mind. With how chaotic my mind was, I would have either had to medicate myself out of existence, live out my days in a psych ward, or committed suicide. Now I have dreams and aspirations, and actually feel capable of making them my reality. Meditation should be taught at every school, it's that important.
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