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Do's and dont's for your friend with benefits

if there are not very clear boundaries set right from the beginning, drama will start and end any hope of a mutually beneficial casual sexual friendship. friends w/ benefits can be fantastic as long as perspective is maintained but once perspective is lost, it's done.
-izzy
 

I've never had one that didn't end with someone getting hurt.

If you treat her like a girlfriend, she's going to start feeling like your girlfriend.

Spot on on both points.

Actions speak louder than labels.

Decide what you want, and, as long as it's ethical, act accordingly.

Good luck.
 
Okay, so I’ll mention this to save someone else some trouble. There was this girl who I’ll call Crystal, because that was her name, who used to fuck me. It all started as a message I sent her on Myspace that read “you’re kinda cute” . Surprisingly, up till then she had been the only girl I’ve actually met and closed with from any social network….( believe me, I’m finding out now it’s easier than meeting girls at over cramped night clubs and bars with shitty music and reeking of sweaty assholes hounding the one hot girl too fucking drunk and stuck up to know her left foot from her right, who’s probably stuck in the mind frame to feed her ego and eat men’s pride along the way. I’ll pass those hoes.)

I’m 23 and she is 19. And if your story sounds along these lines, I think you’d agree with my last words of advice.

After we joked and flirted with messaging, it led to meeting. Meeting led to two dates. Two dates led to fucking. And so on. What I did do was call her “babe” even before we fucked. She called me "babe", and I got flattered and these little feelings started to spurt somewhere deep inside. Yes, the few that get to that point are actually the ones I remember. These things happen while your riding that wave of positive attention. It’s natural and awesome but remember to stick your head out for a while and breathe.

She lived across the world. (Actually it was more like a 40 minute drive, but it seems like that when neither has a car) so we rarely saw each other. (Has it’s good and bad things)

What I realized while we didn’t see each other she would text me and actually initiate the small talk and let me know she was thinking of me. I never did once start the texting. Weird. I would reply with how busy I was and leave it at that sometimes. From experience, it’s best to limit how often you text before you actually see and fuck a girl. Just take that pointer. I did always want to see her and all that good stuff, and she made it obvious she was always eager to see me, but since I was recent felon, jobless, and pretty fucking bummed on top of that, I focused on working on my priorities. I knew before anything that I was in no position to handle someone else life if mine was shit.

I'll also add, it becomes easier to push people away when you get older. It’s pretty fucked up now that I think about it.

So I met this girl on July. Around Nov. is when the reality bomb dropped. I say “around” because I know it was before x-mas. Not exactly sure when but the point is that usually one of you will wonder what the fuck is really going on after 2-3 months of only sex, not a lot of interacting, and being casual buddies.

When it started, I didn’t want a girlfriend. She must’ve wanted something and expected me to be “The Man” to step up and take things further. Men are supposed to do this. Right?

One day, we were set to meet a week prior, but I actually ended up canceling because I just didn’t feel like doing anything and I knew I was going to get pretty drunk at my friends place and she would see me that way and that shit isn’t cool. I blew her off. The second time in a row because like the first time, I was doing heroin and surprisingly she didn’t fidge about that. She was on her way to the place I was at after she was leaving the club, but my friend was too fucking dumb to give me ride to meet her half ways. I actually told her that I really did want to see her, but neither of us had a car and obviously by the time I realized it my friends and I were too drunk and stupid to drive anywhere.

She texted me

“uhhm…can I ask you something?”

“ yeah”

“what exactly are we?”

wow..i didn’t reply for about an hour.

“I just gotta know…lol”

At last I replied.

“you’re mine” ..i’ll leave it there…

seemed cute and like something a man would say… and i she gave me the option to choose.

Next time I see her she doesn’t want to hug, kiss, do anything. I just kept trying and teased her until it finally hit me I must be annoying the fuck out of her. I’m with her and her friends passing a blunt around and about 2 hrs in I’m bored off my fucking mind and so is she. What the fuck should I do, entertain them??

Well, that night we didn’t even kiss goodbye. I was rejected and by then I was pretty fucking pissed and felt judged by her friends. I was so focused on getting at least a blowjob out of her that I forgot to be in the moment and enjoy her friends company at least. What a perfectly good high gone to shit!!

Couple of days she texted me with the old “let’s just be friends line”. I guess she was determined to beat me to it.

my reply “I never promised anything dork” … didn’t contact her for weeks.

So later on she texts me some joke …. I don’t reply……….my last text was “stfu. Im working. Ttyl” her ”ok”

Haven’t heard of her since.

So who’s confused here? She seemed like the one who was more inclined to be together. And at the end she breaks it all off??

I think that as soon as she sensed I had feelings for her she freaked out. The paradox of the century. Maybe to keep the “win” streak when she tells her friends??? Fuck knows. I did start seeing myself as her boyfriend. So yeah it’s true. If you are a human, you will develop feelings, maybe you didn’t even know you have. But guard them, tred carefully. My mistake was prioritizing her. It was becoming obvious when I decided I wanted to meet her and even took a public bus to meet her half ways around the world!! How fucking lame!! Now she’s history. Lesson: don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Be a man slut and make it obvious she’s not your “main squeeze"…until you decide you want to settle. Happy hunting buddy…;)
 
Dont call the person unless you are gonna have sex that night. Its more of a booty call thing & less with be her/his friend. My point is dont even hang out when you're not having sex. Its sex & thats it, no more than that because feelings from someone will start to develop if you're hanging out & that spells trouble.

Ive been cold hearted too many times, but hey.....those were the terms from the begining & girls sometimes like to manipulate their way into spending more quality time & thats a no no unless you guys wanna be bf & gf, then theres no reason for this thread.
 
I'm a female and I shake my head at bitches who truly have no self respect.

I don't get what you mean by this.. Are you implying that a girl who has one or more fuck buddies/friends with benefits has no self-respect? Considering that you're a girl, I'd expect you to be against double standards. So what if a girl wants to have multiple sex partners? As long as she isn't being reckless by participating in high risk behavior, it's fine. What someone can conclude from what you said is that a girl who has one (or more) friends with benefits = bitch who lacks self-respect. And if I misconstrued what you meant to say, I don't really apologize as you misrepresented what you meant to say... if that were even the case.

On topic:
I'm a guy and I have multiple fuck buddies. My relationship with a handful of them have gone south because of emotional attachment. Things like wanting to hang out made the situation 'worse'. I put that in quotes because I'm gonna assume with an FB/FWB situation, you're gonna want to maintain a relationship with them that is based around sex and sex only.

Personally, I find it much easier if the guy is very, very physically attractive but lacks a personality. I still am turned on by him, but I'm not attracted to him in the sense that I find him engaging.

I would say that a lot of the posts in this thread are pretty spot on, so I'm not gonna repeat any of that stuff. Just be impersonal, but don't be an asshole. That is the best way to stifle any growing feelings for the both of you. And don't mix your personal life with your sex life.
 
oh you crack me up Owlie

NSFW:
hehe
NSFW:
ba_dum_tss_327.jpg
 
Great thread OP. I don't have it in me to be a fuck buddy. Never have been that type of girl, but I agree that you should keep it just as sex. You should also ask yourself if YOU are that type of person. I tried one time, and I was the one who wound up getting hurt, because my feelings got involved. I realized that I'm not that type of girl. You should ask yourself if this is something you can do.
 
Great thread OP. I don't have it in me to be a fuck buddy. Never have been that type of girl, but I agree that you should keep it just as sex. You should also ask yourself if YOU are that type of person. I tried one time, and I was the one who wound up getting hurt, because my feelings got involved. I realized that I'm not that type of girl. You should ask yourself if this is something you can do.

Very true. Everyone is different. Following a social status quo/meme isn't wise. I also prefer one person but think there is nothing wrong with mature understandings to have needs met if there is respect and boundaries involved. People are People at the end of the day. There are many dimensions to individuals and sexual needs are just one of them alone whether your male or female.
Its important to have some kinda boundaries and understanding around this to enjoy sex and not let it become some 'issue'.

Hey whether or not it's a DO or a DON'T, I love cooking for a girl.
It's fun and it just kinda completes the experience I think.
Even though I have no interest of being in anything long term, I guess I like to pretend for a night. It's better than JUST fucking.

Any girls think so?

Yes!
I enjoy cooking for friends etc...it doesnt mean I want to marry them.

People are so afraid of intimacy or any display of affection its inhibiting and brings about a multitude of complexes.
People are terrified of their feelings...wtf? Not everyone is a bunny boiler and if they(Fem/male) gets pissed off, thats unfortunate but let them deal with it. Life is full of consequences you have to learn, get over them and move on. No one is immune.

I have had guys think that because I get on with them I want to sleep with them and or if I dont get on with them I dont find them sexually attractive.

Neither of which are exclusively indicators of the truth.
Dont understand this nonsense of trying to control the other casual Partner/Fuck buddy. If you cant handle it dont do it. Dont treat someone like shit just because you are screwing them and not bringing them home to Mommy.

I wouldnt dream of having any type of a relationship, casual or otherwise without having some respect for the person as an individual. I also would expect the same in return. Whats the point in thinking you have full control over a situation when you dont. Make the arrangement, lay down the boundries if they are crossed by either party then communicate it and thats that. If you or they dont like it then it just has to be dealt with on a personal basis.
Just because sex is the primary arrangement doesnt mean you see that person as a dirty dishcloth alone. Deal with feelings if they come up. If either person gets too attached and it develops into an unwanted relationship then politely make your excuses and end it.
 
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I'll also add, it becomes easier to push people away when you get older. It’s pretty fucked up now that I think about it.

I can relate with that statement but why do you think that is?


In response to the rest of your post you really think meeting someone on a social networking site is better? I always liked meeting in person because then you know exactly who that person is, not who they seem to be on a computer, and vice versa.

It seems to me that she might've broke things off because she's afraid of commitment. If I read correctly things went south right after you told her "your mine".

I've found if it's someone you really like and want to take the relationship seriously, the sex should wait. Get to know them as a person and see if you guys actually "click" before you throw sex into the mix. In the end it comes down to do you want her to like you for the sex, or for who your really are.

But then again that's only if you want it to be serious.
 
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Question?

So I had a discussion recently and the term 'part-time boyfriend' came up - I instantly replied with..' so a friend with benefits'
It became a friendly argument but Im still not sure what this means
I guess it is in between dating and full on lovers?

WTF is a part time boyfriend?
 
It's what women call a friends with benefits so they don't feel like a whore.
 
I can relate with that statement but why do you think that is?
For me, it's kinda of like knowing how to save my energy for things I know are worth the effort. Time management. I learn the red flags and what I don't want in my life and have a scale to learn from my mistakes of putting to much importance on no good stuff. I'm pretty forgiving, but shit. Some people just suck and i'm a cold hearted bastard 8)

In response to the rest of your post you really think meeting someone on a social networking site is better? I always liked meeting in person because then you know exactly who that person is, not who they seem to be on a computer, and vice versa.


Yeah i really do think so. If you're more of a writer than a talker like me. For me, it breaks the ice and when I meet the girl in person it tends to go smoothly. There's something about organizing your thoughts in writing that works for me and my brain instead of going on blank and then fking up on the first date. And sure, i've been surprised before with totally different people than what i expected and it's so fkd up. One girl even came from Hawaii to Florida to meet me and she was just...ughhhhhhh... nothing like she portrayed herself to be. So although I felt bad bc she came from far, but I didn't want anything and avoided her after we had lunch. It was more of a 'surprise, i'm here!!!' thing ...wtf?? and thankfully two of my roommates were with me and made the whole experience funny. (yeah, some girls do this too when they meet a guy the first time lol) It's not the end of the world, but why would I continue with something I know wont go anywhere? you know? And who really knows who another person exactly is?? Some people don't even know themselves, much less someone else.
 
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Yeah i really do think so. If you're more of a writer than a talker like me. For me, it breaks the ice and when I meet the girl in person it tends to go smoothly. There's something about organizing your thoughts in writing that works for me and my brain instead of going on blank and then fking up on the first date. And sure, i've been surprised before with totally different people than what i expected and it's so fkd up. One girl even came from Hawaii to Florida to meet me and she was just...ughhhhhhh... nothing like she portrayed herself to be. So although I felt bad bc she came from far, but I didn't want anything and avoided her after we had lunch. It was more of a 'surprise, i'm here!!!' thing ...wtf?? and thankfully two of my roommates were with me and made the whole experience funny. (yeah, some girls do this too when they meet a guy the first time lol) It's not the end of the world, but why would I continue with something I know wont go anywhere? you know? And who really knows who another person exactly is?? Some people don't even know themselves, much less someone else.

Yea man but IMO if you rely on the time window that Facebook or myspace gives you to think up a response it's killing your response time. Like what about when you have a job interview or need to talk to a cop? What are you gonna say hold on lemme think up a good response?

Lol if I were u I'd use talking to girls at the bar as good practice for when you really need to think quick.


I mean if you you don't use it you lose it right?
 
All I’ll say is sometimes it’s the silence between the notes that makes the music.
Stay away from bar flies man. They’ll use it, abuse it, and make you want to lose it...
 
I'm a female and I shake my head at bitches who truly have no self respect. I will answer your thread though.

do: -tell her about other girls you may like so she knows you're not falling for her

-one night when she asks for sex say no I'm going on a date but tomorrow night?

-do tell her you love the sex but tell her straight up nothing more is happening

-do wear a condom

Don't: -cook for her

-let her stay the night

-flirt with her or say how beautiful she is

-do not get jealous about her messing with other guys

-dont expect anything from her

-do not text her 24/7 or try to get to know her too much that you will fall in love with the person she is

Interesting; is cooking for a woman a sign you have your heart set on her or something? I never thought that far into an action such as this. Obviously I'm not talking about people who are chefs for a living; I am not trying to be sarcastic. ;)
 
Interesting; is cooking for a woman a sign you have your heart set on her or something? I never thought that far into an action such as this. Obviously I'm not talking about people who are chefs for a living; I am not trying to be sarcastic. ;)

Every guy I've fallen head over heels for was a great cook. =D I love a guy who can cook.
 
Since I just posted about a FWB in the 'awkward sex partner' thread, might as well post here about it.

I had one FWB that lasted 5 years and probably would continue now if I were single and in the same state. We actually hung out quite a bit, worked together, cooked for eachother, had relationships on and off with other people, all that stuff. We never had a fight and while a lot of people found out at the end, not many knew the whole time it was going on.

We had a lot of the same interests, both huge metal-heads, loved cooking (we worked in restaurants together) and loved getting wasted. I can't pin-point what we did or didn't do that made it work. We were attracted to each other for sure, loved being around each other, but maybe not *that* much, to the extent of living with each other and making a life together.

I think part of the reason it lasted so long was that her choice in boyfriends was terrible. They'd all start off alright and then ya find out she's gettin' hit, or cheated on. I had most of the same qualities of these guys, minus the abusive/cheating part. If I hit her a few times we probably would have become a couple. 8)

It was never planned that we'd be FWB, it just worked out that way. We didn't seek each other out for it, no pre-meditated plan to get in her pants, we didn't even talk about it after it was happening.

The only reason it ended was because I got into a serious relationship and moved out of Ft. Lauderdale. I still talk to her every few months and thankfully, she's married to a cool, hippie, tattoo artist.

If we were both single again, (or at least if I were, she doesn't care...), I'm sure we'd resume the old routine....maybe minus a lot of the xanax, I'm sure. Hahahaha.
 
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