Went Crazy...

Hi Everyone. I pray you're all well and in a good head space.

I apologize for not posting. However, I've been on BL everyday reading your threads.

When I returned from Florida a month and a half ago- I went crazy. I got high about 2hrs after I landed in Philadelphia. And kept going w short periods of abstinence.

For those that don't know me- I am an IV heroin user. Just wanted to clarify.

I'm currently in a period of abstinence. On day 2 of using Loperamide. And do I feel like shit. I don't immediately respond to lope. It takes me about 3 days to stabilize on it.

When I woke up yesterday morning at 5am- I sharply inhaled and was panicking. I was in w/d. God do I hate waking up like that. No subs are available.

I recently moved to a new town. Im feeling a little lost here. I love my apt. Its big. In an old mansion. But- Im not crazy about the area. Im about 25mins away from where Im from. So I feel kind of - uh scared? I don't know how to articulate it. But my anxiety has been high if Im not high.

As I stated, no subs are available due to my connection-again- flaking out.

I'm looking into sub Drs. Theres only ONE in my new town. Wtf'in hell?! I called and left msg's several times but never got a call back. So Im looking for one in the town Im from.

I just wanted to let you all know you're always in my thoughts.

And Sim-you dodged a bullet by not using. I wanted to tell you that. You really dont want to go through this. Im proud of you. Well done. ?

Thanks, 10Years... I'm so glad to see you here!

So ironic (or just plain sad) that you can get heroin in your town but not subs. This fucking country is crazy.

I've been thinking about you a lot. Be safe, OK?

I dont get dope here- Im getting it from where Im from. Someone drives it here. It costs a fortune. From what I hear this isnt the place to get dope. Which is kinda why I chose it.

And yeah! One. ONE sub Dr in the entire town. Im really feeling bad today. In all possible ways.

Was it drug induced psychosis? I'm guessing this covers most mental illness caused by drug use.

I've gone through 2 episodes of drug induced psychosis. It felt almost like someone was slipping me acid, pretty sure I had paranoid delusional thoughts about being drugged, along with tons of other wild delusions.

How do you feel now?

Hi Mafioso! How are you? Love your posts. And I feel your pain w drug-induced psychosis.

At the moment, Im feeling all withdrawal symptoms , alot of restlesness, hot, cold, etc.

I went through 2 traumatic detoxes. Both the 2 times I was lockec up. They included hallicinating and seizures- even though I dont drink or regularly take benzos. My tolerance to opiates was much higher then. It was about 3yrs ago.

I was doing 21 bags a day ( a bun and a 1/2. In Philadelphia buns are 14 bags) and 300mg per day of prescribed morphine. For chronic pain.

2nd time locked up for probation violation- had stopped using and was still on prescribed 300mg morphine per day. Still had seizures and hallucinations. Really horrible.

I no longer take morphine. So I was clean for 1.5 yrs and began chipping over a year ago. I was using aprrox 2x/mos for 3 day stretches. This past month, Ive used more than I haven't used.

At the moment, Im just taking loperamide. And feeling like shit. Last night I got a very small amount (like 1 light bag) of fentynal. My husband and I split it. It gave me a very small amount of relief-but I was grateful to have the restlessness slow down a bit. And to be warm. I get really cold while in w/d

I slept some. Which is a blessing as we all know. So-its back to loperamide. Hopefully I will get some mucinex today. Loperamide is more effective if I take a normal dose of mucinex w it.

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate the support. xoxo

Mafioso-

I just realized what you meant. You took the title of my thread literally. I meant I went ham, all-in. Not a mental breakdown.

I do have bipolar2. And suffered w crippling anxiety most of my life. I was put on Neurontin 3yrs ago. It helps manage my anxiety. But during w/d it doesnt help much.

Sorry about the confusion.

Oh I got you, yeah I misunderstood what you meant.

Jail is the fucking worst place to detox. I got thrown in the mental health ward where everyone was as bat shit crazy as I was, yelling and banging on the doors 24.7. Couldn't focus and could hardly sleep, was having paranoid delusions, severe hallucinations and extreme agitation. It was really difficult to differentiate between what was real and what was imagined, I had to ask family and friends if events really happened or if they were imagined. It all seemed so real. Seizures are no fun either. Really sorry to hear you had to go through all that.

Just curious, how much is a bag in terms of grams? I've only bought black tar by the gram, but I mostly just popped pills like it was going out of style.

Are you able to keep food down? I found drinking pedialyte to be a godsend, staying hydrated really helped when I was spending all day in the bathroom. When I knew I was going to go into WDs I'd try to stock up on supplies so I wouldn't have to leave the house. Pedialyte, Gatorade, and canned chicken noodle soup was my staple. I've heard bananas can help with the muscle cramps.

Would this be your 3rd day off dope?

We are here for you.

^
Good advice, Mafioso.

...Hope you're hanging in there, 10Years

Hope things are going well 10years, don't give up.

Let us know how you are doing

Really happy you're okay.

I don't know you but I'm also an addict coming off of crystal. The drugs take a really hefty toll on your mind.

Hey Everyone-

Thankyou Mafioso, Sim and Cyberius.

As far as the weight of each bag- Im not sure Mafioso. A bundle of 10 bags I believe is a gram. I will tell you the story of why bundles are 14bags in Philadelphia if you're interested. It has to do w gang competition. (So a bag would weigh .10?)

I was put in (rushed to) medical both times I was locked up. They allowed me to have 5 seizures before they declared it a medical emergency. The first time I have no recollection of being taken.

From what I was told - a CO dragged me down the cement steps in a sheet- unconscious- banging my head on every step. I was cognitevely fucked up for a few months. I had difficulty writing letters. I could see them in my mind- but was unable to actually write them on paper.

The 2nd time I was going in and out of consciousness. I remember being forcefully held down on a table while my body contorted and convulsed. This fucking evil and very weird nurse gave me a very painful IM shot. Then my clothes were ripped off. And they threw me in a cell naked. Then threw the scratchy blanket in. It is a true nightmare to detox in jail. In every way. Any of us that have experienced it will attest to that.

Im feeling about 80% on my 5th day of Loperamide. Fortunately- my habit isnt to the point I vomit while in w/d. But I used to. Violently. Around 30hrs in is when vomiting, hallucinating and seizures started. In that order.

W/d is less intense but I guess I have no tolerance for it anymore.

I hope you're all well. Xoxo

Yeah I came out of jail pretty jacked up as well. I don't remember much about how or why it happened because I was in psychosis, but I was being disruptive or whatever and a CO twisted my arm pretty bad. I remember him threatening to break it and I was shouting at him to break it, thinking they would have to give me pain pills then. He didn't break it though, just pulled a bunch of muscles and caused a lot of inflamed cartilage. Couldn't do a push up for about 2 months, hurt to breath and had to sleep on my back or other side.

I wish there was some way of holding COs accountable, but being that I was in a padded room in the mental ward, stripped naked and hallucinating, my testimony probably wouldn't hold water. It would probably cost a shit ton in legal fees as well.

Sounds like you had it even worse, really sorry to hear you had to go through that. I know what you mean about feeling all scramble after seizures. I remember trying to tell people stories of what happened and they would just look at me confused. I knew I wasn't explaining things well, like you said, it makes sense in your head but getting it out of there is all of a sudden so difficult.

Have you ever spoken to a doctor about your seizures? Is it related to the meds you take at all, or just WDs?

What I've heard is if it isn't working you take a bit more. I'm detoxing on loperamide and I'm feeling it too. Without it it's near enough impossible for me to detox. It stops a lot of the pain and puke. I still get hot flushes and sometimes stomach cramps. One of the best things about it is that it lets me sleep. I slept about 8 hours last night.