Relapse from short term recovery

I was three days clean from heroin and endured the worst part of withdrawal. Then I used and then stayed clean for 48 hours with minimal but still uncomfortable symptoms. It was still manageable but then I used again because I am a dumbass. Sigh. Am I in for another painful experience? Why do I cave in? I hate myself for this. I want my life back and go back to the gym and life a healthy lifestyle again. Why am I cursed with such an addictive personality? I'm going to fight this again but I'm not sure if I've restarted the whole painful experience again. Can anyone share their experience? I want my life back and want to stop lying to my girlfriend, my family, and most importantly to myself

I don't know the answer but I am offering you support. Keep trying. The relapse is part of the recovery process.
You can do this. Don't give up. Fight for your life!

Your post made me smile. Thank you for the encouragement. I'm willing not to redose and going to let this dope leave my bloodstream without any drugs to replace it with once I'm sober. I want my life back.

your post made me smile. Thank you.

I believe in you.
You got this.

You probably did make it worse to some extent, but nowhere to go but forward. Just keep the idea of getting your life back in mind whenever it feels too hard. As soon as you get past acute withdrawals, start up exercising again, that'll help a lot.

dankhead88 said:

I was three days clean from heroin and endured the worst part of withdrawal. Then I used and then stayed clean for 48 hours with minimal but still uncomfortable symptoms. It was still manageable but then I used again because I am a dumbass. Sigh. Am I in for another painful experience? Why do I cave in? I hate myself for this. I want my life back and go back to the gym and life a healthy lifestyle again. Why am I cursed with such an addictive personality? I'm going to fight this again but I'm not sure if I've restarted the whole painful experience again. Can anyone share their experience? I want my life back and want to stop lying to my girlfriend, my family, and most importantly to myself

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So, good news and bad news.

Bad news... depending on how long and how much you were using, 3-6 days in might not be the worst. For me, usually somewhere around 4-8 days in is when things got really ugly. Things start to calm down and level out around day 10-14, although if you're using opioids like methadone the acute withdrawals can persist for 30+ days is what I've heard people report.

Good news... using again doesn't "reset" the withdrawal phase. So long as you don't start using daily again, you'll still be on you're way off. Some "taper", or slowly reduce their dose, to make withdrawals less intense. I wouldn't advise trying to taper off opioids because of how hard it is to control yourself, but just know that one use doesn't mean failure. It's not so much a relapse as it is you struggling to get it right, and mistakes are not the end of the world. At this point in your recovery, I wouldn't get hung up on that word too much.

Also, some more good news(at least in my opinion), there is no such thing as "addictive personalities". It's a commonly used term that is NOT recognized and accepted by the world of science and psychology. Addiction is a biopsychosocial disease, meaning it affects your body, mind and the world around you. There are genetic components that can make someone more or less predisposed, but this is just one factor among many. Who YOU are, how you were raised, where you were raised, in what culture you were raised, with what culture you identify with, your socioeconomic status, your friends, your friends parents, etc. are all potential factors just as much as who your parents are. No one is born an addict unless your mother used drugs while pregnant. And even then, I'd argue they are not an "addict", but instead addicted. We HAVE problems, we are not our problems.

Like most, I'd imagine that you weren't always the way you are now. You even mention a time that was better that you'd like to return to. In the same way that you didn't get to where you are overnight, you won't get back to where you were overnight. One of the hardest things to stomach for me was accepting how much time I had wasted, and how much time I must spend to get back to where I once was. I know when you are fighting cravings it can seem like recovery is just about overcoming the urge to use. And it largely is, at first. But the real work comes with things like relearning how to deal with intense emotions and not just ignoring them. Your thoughts will still be bouncing around in your head, and left unaddressed they will drive you into madness. Listen to the way you think and talk to yourself. Negative self-talk is extremely common and extremely hindering. It's not uncommon to think that you have to mentally beat yourself up as punishment for making a mistake. The truth is though, this does nothing to further the solution or rectify the problem. It only makes things worse by causing things like anxiety and self-esteem issues.


TLDR: You're going to be ok, you have a rough ride ahead, but you can make it. You can look into "comfort meds for opioid detox" if your situation is unbearable. Make sure to stay hydrated- Gatorade, Pedialyte, and watered-down sprite is what I drank personally. Get easy to eat and easy to prep food. Canned chicken noodle soup, cup noodles, rice, bread, those sorts of things. Shit you can eat when you are dead sick with the flu. You are basically treating yourself for a severe flu for the next week or two. How showers, short walks, Netflix, youtube, and podcast. Give that mind something to chew on while its turning over and over. And something that can't be stressed enough, human connection. It might be time to come clean to your family and friends.

Isolation is often what keeps us from moving forward. If nothing else, keep us posted on what is going on. People care, and you are worth it.

Thanks for the encouraging words everyone. This community is so amazing how y'all would help any stranger like me. I'm glad that I found bluelight to meet such amazing people.
Painful One. Thanks for letting me know that I'm stronger than I thought. I've gotten this far and shouldn't give up!

Shadowmeister, thanks for pushing me forward. I can feel it. The feeling of being cured from this painful experience and creating new euphoria of freedom.

Mafioso, you're right. My last dose was 21 hours ago from the time of this post. I don't feel nearly as bad and work was manageable. It gives me a glimpse of hope that I can beat this. Thanks for talking sense into me.

Yep this community certainly is amazing. I've turned to TDS at a few points in the 12+ years I've been a member here.

I was addicted to opiates for 10 years and I know how tough it is... but I also will always remember how fucking amazing it felt to finally get past them. When you're struggling, try to think about how good you'll feel, both physically/emotionally and also about yourself, when you've put this behind you. How wonderful it will be to not have this monkey on your back. It's so worth it.

Shadowmeister said:

Yep this community certainly is amazing. I've turned to TDS at a few points in the 12+ years I've been a member here.

I was addicted to opiates for 10 years and I know how tough it is... but I also will always remember how fucking amazing it felt to finally get past them. When you're struggling, try to think about how good you'll feel, both physically/emotionally and also about yourself, when you've put this behind you. How wonderful it will be to not have this monkey on your back. It's so worth it.

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Indeed. Also, glad you're off of that shit my friend and that you've turned to help others in need. It's a noble cause, which is especially needed in this day and age with the opioid epidemic that's going on. Although I haven't posted nearly as much as you did and mainly browsed and lurked a lot, I did see this community grow. I think the hardest thing that got to me was seeing the regulars I've once known end up in the Bluelight Shrine, especially the ones that passed from opioid overdoses.

dankhead88 said:

Indeed. Also, glad you're off of that shit my friend and that you've turned to help others in need. It's a noble cause, which is especially needed in this day and age with the opioid epidemic that's going on. Although I haven't posted nearly as much as you did and mainly browsed and lurked a lot, I did see this community grow. I think the hardest thing that got to me was seeing the regulars I've once known end up in the Bluelight Shrine, especially the ones that passed from opioid overdoses.

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It is hard for sure to have people you know become names in a shrine. I hope in some way it can help motivate you to keep returning to your goal. Death is very real. I was reading something today about spiritual practices all having one thing in common and that is relapse (from your own true values and practices) and return. The author said the return is simply a remembering. So to stretch that concept to embrace addiction and relapse, the way forward is to remember your goals, remember the reasons for your goals, remember and return to them without shame or self-punishment. It's all about learning oneself, learning how to come back to oneself, over and over, as long as it takes. I think relapse can be a very good tool to give you more information about what to beware of, where and when your defenses are down. Glad you got back on the path so quickly--that should give you confidence.

herbavore said:

It is hard for sure to have people you know become names in a shrine. I hope in some way it can help motivate you to keep returning to your goal. Death is very real. I was reading something today about spiritual practices all having one thing in common and that is relapse (from your own true values and practices) and return. The author said the return is simply a remembering. So to stretch that concept to embrace addiction and relapse, the way forward is to remember your goals, remember the reasons for your goals, remember and return to them without shame or self-punishment. It's all about learning oneself, learning how to come back to oneself, over and over, as long as it takes. I think relapse can be a very good tool to give you more information about what to beware of, where and when your defenses are down. Glad you got back on the path so quickly--that should give you confidence.

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I've gotten rid of majority of the physical symptoms, but I can totally understand remembering. Especially when I'm delivering for my job at a town I'm too familiar with. It gives me the urge. Everyday I'm still learning about myself. After countless of times relapsing, withdrawing, getting clean. I sometimes wonder why I go back to it if I know that it will end bad?

dankhead88 said:

I've gotten rid of majority of the physical symptoms, but I can totally understand remembering. Especially when I'm delivering for my job at a town I'm too familiar with. It gives me the urge. Everyday I'm still learning about myself. After countless of times relapsing, withdrawing, getting clean. I sometimes wonder why I go back to it if I know that it will end bad?

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we all relapse because even if we know its going to be twice as bad the next day we NEEEEEEEED 2 HRS OF RELIEF asap! and thats totally understandable and normal
so try not to beat yourself up over that shit at all.. just know you have to taper and try your best to not do it so much that your super dependent on it ..

dankhead88 said:

I've gotten rid of majority of the physical symptoms, but I can totally understand remembering. Especially when I'm delivering for my job at a town I'm too familiar with. It gives me the urge. Everyday I'm still learning about myself. After countless of times relapsing, withdrawing, getting clean. I sometimes wonder why I go back to it if I know that it will end bad?

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Because your brain knows it will still feel really good.. at least at first. To the brain, dopamine = survival. If it wasn't for dopamine, largely, we probably wouldn't have much of an urge to eat, reproduce, or any of the other things necessary for life. When stimulated naturally, dopamine generally means good/positive things, things that you want to repeat.

This is why I like the description of addiction as being a "bottom up" disorder and recovery as a "top down" solution. It's the lower, the unconscious, animalistic parts of your brain that is largely responsible for cravings, despite the cognitive, conscious part of your brain recognizing the problems and solutions.

This is also one of the reasons why it takes time. Your brain has to "re-wire" itself, forming new connections and strengthening those while allowing the old connections to fade away. Over time, triggers will become weaker and have less influence on you while at the same time you develop new skills and coping mechanisms. The triggers will probably always be there but you can become stronger and better at dealing with them.

NYCDOSE said:

we all relapse because even if we know its going to be twice as bad the next day we NEEEEEEEED 2 HRS OF RELIEF asap! and thats totally understandable and normal
so try not to beat yourself up over that shit at all.. just know you have to taper and try your best to not do it so much that your super dependent on it ..

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Trying my best. At this point, my restless legs and insomnia is killing me

Mafioso said:

Because your brain knows it will still feel really good.. at least at first. To the brain, dopamine = survival. If it wasn't for dopamine, largely, we probably wouldn't have much of an urge to eat, reproduce, or any of the other things necessary for life. When stimulated naturally, dopamine generally means good/positive things, things that you want to repeat.

This is why I like the description of addiction as being a "bottom up" disorder and recovery as a "top down" solution. It's the lower, the unconscious, animalistic parts of your brain that is largely responsible for cravings, despite the cognitive, conscious part of your brain recognizing the problems and solutions.

This is also one of the reasons why it takes time. Your brain has to "re-wire" itself, forming new connections and strengthening those while allowing the old connections to fade away. Over time, triggers will become weaker and have less influence on you while at the same time you develop new skills and coping mechanisms. The triggers will probably always be there but you can become stronger and better at dealing with them.

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Ah yes, I love dopamine. Once the synapses are flooded with it, an animalistic part of me comes out, also hate the fact that I'm a sucker for DA agonists. Do you feel these triggers are a sort of a post traumatic stress related anxiety?

I'm not really sure to be honest, I think the answer is probably fairly complex. I can say for certain there is a correlation between high dopamine levels and things like mania and schizophrenia. Everyone is different to a degree. Do you feel like it does?

Mafioso said:

I'm not really sure to be honest, I think the answer is probably fairly complex. I can say for certain there is a correlation between high dopamine levels and things like mania and schizophrenia. Everyone is different to a degree. Do you feel like it does?

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Yeah, I agree. It does feel like a complex question. Humans are definitely interesting. Maybe it all depends on environment and experiences. Some moments I feel a surge of anxiety and intense self questioning and others just feels like a good memory and nostalgia.

I tend to think it has more to do with a persons thought process, but environment and experiences definitely factor in along with individual biology. Like if you focus on things that you hate, you will probably feel frustrated and negative emotions as well. But deeper than that, the WAY in which you think about things has pretty big implications on emotions as well.

But if I had to guess, I'd say that it's just stirring up whatever is lying beneath the surface. Drugs tend to amplify whatever we are already feeling to extremes. Like the sudden surges of anxiety and intense questioning could be driven by deeper insecurities, and in a manic sort of way they are coming up. In general I'd say it's nothing to worry about. Is there anything specific you felt anxious about? Or anything you were questioning specifically?

It was a feeling earlier. The lack of sleep and the restless leg. Was in an area making a delivery for my job. I was getting super anxious. I hate to admit it but I used a little today, because of my RLS. Everything else is fine. No more physical symptoms, but the RLS, it's a real killer. Had only an 1 1/2 sleep due to it, and needed to find relief, because working was exhausting. Throughout the day, I consumed about 1.5 g of caffeine to stay alert and awake, because I had to drive. Not even in it to get high. Just something to help me sleep without my legs moving all over the place. Bah, I feel shameful :-\

You have nothing to be ashamed of here. It's probably better you said something. It doesn't really make too much of a difference for me, other than just understanding where you really are. I tried to get off pills more times than I counted. Like most things in life, people rarely hit the ground running the first time. It's a learning process. Even if you've gotten off dope before, you still can learn a lot. The important thing is to not give up and to stay focused on the goal of getting clean.

Learn from your failures and your mistakes. They are trying to teach you something. So you ended up using because RLS is really hard to deal with while driving for work. That's understandable. Maybe not the best decision, but we are only human.

Stress is also terrible for withdrawal, your ability to cope and manage stress is going to be reduced for the next few weeks. Is there any way you could take time off, even if just a day or two? Putting yourself on bed rest for a few days with minimal stress might do wonders for you. Like a 4 day weekend or something.