Lapse, need encouragement(lope taper)

Long story short, 2 years clean after 10 years of use down the drain... Originally a morphine fiend, got onto suboxone and tapered off, used loperamide to successfully taper off of that with virtually no withdrawal this last time. Enter a terrible toothache while not taking good care of my recovery(12 steps work for me when I work it) and I get back on subs, less than 1 mg a day for 3 months or so. I wanna get straight again(no substances whatsoever) but really need encouragement. It's easy to rationalize such a small habit, but it's really messing with me spiritually. Now I'm 24 hrs+ without and feeling mild wd, trying to convince myself to not call my buddy and instead just take some lope and go to bed. I've followed BL for years, and used the info on here to successfully get clean the first time, so now I need help, again. Please throw some encouragement at me!

iminawe said:

Long story short, 2 years clean after 10 years of use down the drain... Originally a morphine fiend, got onto suboxone and tapered off, used loperamide to successfully taper off of that with virtually no withdrawal this last time. Enter a terrible toothache while not taking good care of my recovery(12 steps work for me when I work it) and I get back on subs, less than 1 mg a day for 3 months or so. I wanna get straight again(no substances whatsoever) but really need encouragement. It's easy to rationalize such a small habit, but it's really messing with me spiritually. Now I'm 24 hrs+ without and feeling mild wd, trying to convince myself to not call my buddy and instead just take some lope and go to bed. I've followed BL for years, and used the info on here to successfully get clean the first time, so now I need help, again. Please throw some encouragement at me!

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How much loperamide have you been using or do you plan to use? High dose loperamide is really not something one should consider if they have access to buprenorphine. Buprenorphine is a lot more preferably outside of using loperamide to just treat GI issues (and it sounds like you need something for opioid use disorder, not just GI issues related to opioid withdrawal).

If you're just trying to treat the stomach/GI discomfort from opioid withdrawal, loperamide would probably be helpful. But like I said, you sound like you need something more.

Did you get a chance to stabilize on the buprenorphine? Outside of taking buprenorphine, what have you been up to? It isn't clear if you were taking buprenorphine under a doctor's care or getting it from a friend or something.

If step work is something you find you benefit from and enjoy, why not work on that while continuing to use your medication? Get you stuff ironed out in life a bit using your 12 step community and then try to work on getting off the meds.

A rush to get off the meds generally doesn't work out very well. Getting buprenorphine through an IOP program AND doing peer support recovery work is a winning combo for sure. Highly recommend you look into something like this and continue exploring your options in recovery.

You have more options than you know OP. You're also strong than you know. Recovery is not something to rush through.

is it more desirable to be relying on lope than on subs? I don't mean that question to be snarky...just curious...and I guess I agree with TPD that if the subs are helping you stay clean, it might be good to compromise and stay with them.

simco

Depends on how the loperamide is being used I think. Normal doses per the instructions on the box? I wouldn't be too concerned about that. But taking higher dosages of loperamide is probably more harmful than using buprenorphine. Especially at the higher end of the dose spectrum.

Loperamide won't do anything for cravings really, unless used at ridiculously high doses. And those are the dosages that get really dangerous with cardiotoxicity and other issues. Definitely buprenorphine > high dose loperamide.

I need to edit my above post...

I should have clarified a bit more, but wanted to keep my post short for the reader's sake, lol. A bit of my history:
Was hooked on short acting opiates, eventually working my way up to 6 morphine 120's a day and still functioning(and I'm on the small side, 4'11" 85lbs, so this boggles my mind now) before I went into rehab. Got out on my 21st birthday, and my mom was my dealer, whom I lived with. I realized I could not stay clean and sober in that situation..

Enter the suboxone clinic. I found a good one, where they actually care about patients, taper and teach coping skills, 12 step meetings, counseling, even primary care, etc. I honestly believe I would have OD'd on phine if I hadn't gone to that clinic, and it gave me a rock solid foundation to jump off from. When my mom passed away(from her addiction, RIP), it was kinda a wake up call, and also an opportunity to get totally substance free. I jumped off ct at 4 mgs before, and made it 3 months, but this last time I quit, I used lope, starting at 16mg to manage withdrawal discomfort and tapered all the way off in about a months' time and felt almost no withdrawal, stayed clean 2 years up until this past winter...

Ultimately, I got lazy with my 12 steps(went through them twice, that's enough, right? Lol) and had a lapse in judgement during a low period. So I KNOW I'm capable of being happy and substance free. But now my tolerence is low, so it's easy to justify buying 3 subs off the street to last a whole month, catching a lil buzz from it. I don't NEED it, I just really like it and the energy it gives me. This morning I took 16mg lope and my withdrawals are succesfully managed(yes, it helps more than just GI stuff, for me at least, even a mild dirty buzz at that), but I just need some encouragement to stick with it despite my addiction whispering in my ear that subs(my official drug of choice now) are affordable and just a phone call away. I know if I continue, my tolerance will go up, my bank account will run dry, my consequences will hit me in the face... plus, I'm lined up for a dream job down the road, where I will have to pass a drug test. But uuuuuugggghhhh drugggssss... why are they so consuming?

Thank you for the kind words and suggestions

oral morphine has a low BA. It makes sense.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. What was she addicted to, opiates too?

Iminawe thank you. When I was kicking sub I went to a crap-ton of meetings. I would sit on a reading every time to force myself to open my mouth. If you are too comfortable in one fellowship then try another fellowship. The nervousness and adrenaline of opening my mouth when I was new did tremendous at cutting through the general malaise of being sub-less. Reconnect with some people. Love is the flow of life energy from one human to another. No matter how much I "HATED" being around people it always helped me feel better, especially being around those that shared empathetic connection. You can do this. You can be free again. You know it is possible because you have experienced it...