Recovery Here I go again...

I've decided it's time to start my own thread. I've been on a drinking binge for the past few weeks. I'm beyond miserable and contemplated going to a detox but my blood alcohol wasn't insanely high like it was the other times I've gone to a detox center so I am riding it out as best I can. My ex wife came over and took the car keys and the dog which is good because that kept me from going out and buying more alcohol around midnight last night and ended the binge. I tried tapering down with lite beer and I just ended up getting drunk all over again. A friend from AA is picking me up and letting me stay with him for a few days so I won't be alone. It's a challenge to even type I'm so shaky right now. Time to give sobriety another crack. I wish I could figure out why I do something that causes the hell that is withdrawal. At least I don't have the nausea this time.

Hey aihfl. I was wondering where you went. Wishing the you the best. I was drinking quite a bit as well for a couple of days and have woke up with sweaty palms and anxiety so I'm going to be stopping. Look forward to you being around more. If you ever want to hit up a meeting let me know.

Thank you Somni. I've got to get back in the meeting habit. My friend who is picking me up offered to stop for alcohol. It is tempting to say yes for the quick relief it would provide but that relief is only an illusion.

Actually he's insisting I don't cold turkey. I'm kind of relieved. He's going to help me taper while I'm staying with him. I'm starting to have mild hallucinations.

The insomnia last night was brutal. I caved and took one of my last Ativan around 4 and managed to get 3-4 hours sleep. I still have one small mini bottle of wine but I will save it for when I need it. Experience dictates that withdrawal symptoms typically return in the afternoon/evening. I feel my appetite coming back so that is a good thing.

Hey, aihfl. You're making good choices...everything you're doing sounds right. Sending you all my best

Thanks Sim. When I'm just laying in bed I feel perfectly fine but then I get up and realize how compromised I still am. My balance is still iffy and that's when the symptoms decide to make a reappearance. The hallucinations weren't a big deal, I just saw things in dark corners that weren't there. Nothing terrifying. While trying to sleep yesterday I experienced the weirdest thing. I kept seeing the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes like I was seeing through my eyelids. It's amazing how withdrawal fucks with the mind.

Of course things can always change on a dime, but this is far less terrifying than other home detoxes I've done. In 2014 I was out walking the dog late one night and blacked out and had a seizure. I had no idea what was happening to me. And that happened after I thought I had gone through the worst of it so they're really not kidding when they say the seizure risk peaks a few days in after you already may be feeling a lot better.

I am feeling tired but I'm going to resist napping so I can hopefully get more sleep tonight. I've gone 60-80 hours without any sleep during past home detoxes so I know that not sleeping isn't going to kill me.

Hey aihfl, I too continue to choose alcohol when it presents me with such horrid symptoms. Last week I decided for the millionth time enough was enough. Through the insomnia I too experienced seeing the last image before laying down replayed repeatedly on closed eye lids.

I dont have a whole lot to add at this time other than it sounds like youre on the right track.
Keep it up and know that youre not alone.
Much love,
TOC

Do you have a psychiatrist or someone who could explore options with medicine? Naltrexone, antidepressants and baclofen might be worth looking into given your situation. I have heard great things about naltrexone and alcohol use disorder.

Yes I have a longstanding relationship with a psychiatrist. I used to take baclofen but titrated myself off of it during one of my extended periods of time clean because I thought I didn't need it anymore. Plus I still struggled with alcoholism while on baclofen and frequently drank while taking it, which is extremely unpleasant.

I did not tolerate naltrexone very well. Within 20 minutes of taking it I would feel violently ill like I was going through a mild opiate withdrawal. And I experimented with The Sinclair Method. I've been drunk as shit on naltrexone and it didn't really feel any different from a regular drunk. When I first got clean out of detox I credit the psychiatrist there for adding Celexa to my meds so yes, I am on an antidepressant, and I credit that with giving me my first extended chunk of clean time.

Also, the thing that precipitated this binge was an altercation that almost resulted in me getting arrested for assault. I didn't get arrested, but the first thing I did right after was go over to the Publix Grocery Liquor Store and got a pint of vodka and chugged it. I have to make a renewed commitment to treating my own mental health as it has become more and more obvious that I show symptoms of borderline personality disorder: impulsivity, mood swings, recklessness etc. There's really no medicating it but it can be somewhat managed with psychotherapy. I don't think I can beat the addiction until I get a handle on the BPD.

One good thing to come of this is that when you're passed out drunk, you have no urge to smoke. I haven't craved a cigarette or the vape since coming out of this and I'm going to try to use this as an opportunity to stay off them. One of my inpatient therapists once advised, "You hear people say don't quit everything at once. My advice is quit everything at once."

That's an interesting approach--quit everything at once. I can see the merits. I think there big question is how can you most effectively make those big life changes that will support long-term recovery? Personally, I found quitting everything at once kind of unsustainable. But I'm sure it's different for others.

I'm looking for therapists now that specifically list BPD as a condition they treat and it is a challenge finding one that is convenient to me and takes my insurance. I think I've found a couple though. When a previous therapist hinted at that diagnosis I was doing well with clean time and was working a pretty solid 12 step program and I thought I "had this" and didn't need to go to the time and expense of psychotherapy. But these issues with impulse control have to be dealt with if I can stop and stay stopped.

As far as the nicotine goes, I'm not craving it so why start again in the first place?

Hey aihfl! I'm so glad you started a thread---and am so sorry to hear you are going through this.

Its great that you're staying w a supportive friend right now. Vital in my opinion, I'd also insist that you didn't detox cold-turkey. Brutal, traumatic detoxes are just not necessary I've been through 2 - seizures and hallucinations included in both-and it was plain dangerous. I don't feel that I needed that to "teach me a lesson" cause it taught mothing that I didn't already find out through my dependence and addiction. I had experienced w/d so many times and suffered so much already. Maybe some feel they do need that final horror. And it's highly personal so live and let live.

I was was finally diagnosed with bipolar2 a few yrs ago. Neurontin as you already know, helped me out w anxiety and panic. I also have to make my mental health my priority. That will include finding a good therapist, regular meetings, the gym, some form of dancing (because it's something I love to do).

I'm worrying about my behavior when I go home. I really am. It's easy to stay away from dope in Fl for me.

It it would be awesome for you and Somni to go to some meetings!! I'm thinking of you aih and wishing you the best

Slept marginally better last night. I didn't wait so long to take one of my last two Ativan and was able to fall asleep but still had problems staying asleep and woke up annoyingly at random. I was going to take my last Ativan but then saw it was getting light and there wouldn't have been a point. Maybe I got 5-6 hours this time? Not really sure. I remember dreaming for the first time since this process started, and they were actually pleasant. I am an optimist when it comes to these things and I hope that I am largely back to being myself today. I had an outpatient therapist tell me in 2014 that I am blessed with an unusually strong constitution and she rarely saw people recover from benders so quickly so I hope that is still the case after a day of hell (Monday) and another day of meh.

10 - Yes I agree - I've been through so many detoxes I don't need to learn a lesson via a brutal CT detox because I've done it so many times and if I haven't learned already...I've also experienced the whole gamut with hallucinations and seizures, though my condition never progressed into the DTs. I am lucky. And I really should not push the envelope anymore because even though the DTs are relatively rare, the likelihood they will occur increases with the number of times one has detoxed from alcohol/benzos. I am just curious about your experience with Neurontin. I took 1200mg last night and it didn't even make a dent in my sleepiness. They used to make me sleepy. Maybe tolerance?

Anyway I hope everyone has a good day.

Aih- good morning The insomnia - well I have no words. The psychosis that ensues from it I feel I don't need to tell any of us the horror. God knows we're all way more familiar w it than we'd ever want to be I am so relieved to hear you feel like you're coming back to life at a quick clip.

Ok- I have endured crippling anxiety and panic attacks pretty much my entire life. It was always a matter of how intense my anxiety was on a daily basis. It was always present. And if it would progress into full-blown panic attacks. During the most severe I could no longer feel my extremities. Not good while driving a car lol. The anxiety/panic was coupled with a constant cloak of dread and foreboding over my life. As if there was almost demonic presences around me. And I'm just covering my mental health-not the daily blinding head pain I experienced. I'm so glad I didn't commit suicide like I had considered many times. Really glad. This is very difficult to talk about.

Of of all places-while I was locked up the 2nd time, I was put on Neurontin. I hadn't eaten or slept in 16 days. I had been prescribed Lyrica by my Dr but binge took it. Never taking a gaba drug on a daily basis, it was new territory. I had given up hope in my life. I had decided I would remain fucked-up as much as possible -it was the only time I felt stable-the anxiety lessened and the cloak lifted. The only time. So, after about a month on Neurontin, I noticed my anxiety level was manageable and the cloak was lifted. As if I cleaned the window of my soul and the sunshine shined in for the first time.

Now that I take it daily, it will not help with withdrawal. Due to tolerance of course. It continues to keep my anxiety level manageable. It changed my life. I had no idea that anxiety was considered "manic". I always associated mania with happiness or euphoria. Which I sure as hell wasn't experiencing. I don't know if that helped or I answered that correctly. If not, please don't hesitate to ask me what you need answered.

Here's to a speedy recovery aih.

Hey, I just saw this post but I am glad you are doing better now. I too have a long relationship alcohol as I have never felt comfortable in my own skin and having panic attacks all the time. Its probably from growing up with a war vet of a dad.

I don't want to tell you what to do but perhaps you need to address the issues that cause you to drink. Progress not perfection as they say right?

Thank you 10. Unfortunately I spoke too soon. I have worse brain fog today than yesterday and I'm back to sweating heavily. This stuff unfortunately comes and goes in waves instead of instead of just steadily getting better.

Hi there aihfl - well done for making positive choices on your recovery journey - you seem to have a great insight on your current situation and issues. Recovery is very much a journey and I can very much relate to your struggle with both addiction and mental health. I have found myself battling with depression and PTSD which were masked and/or I was self medicating with benzos which has a similar withdrawal effect comparable to alcohol especially in relation to experienced anxiety. That used to be many of the reasons for my lapses and replapses and I had to work through issues that have emerged the less numb I started to feel. The 'kindling effect' also became apparent after my serial relapses as you have mentioned in relation to the increase of experiences of DTs and my detoxes became harsher and more traumatic each time round! It became a horrible vicious circle.

You mentioned AA and it is so important to develop healthy support networks and coping strategies that you find useful. Recently I have found mindfulness activities particularly useful especially during episodes of anxiety, depression and cravings - it really helped to ground me and bring me back to the present moment when I was struggling. But find out what works for you and try to have a plan for when you start to feel 'wobbly'. I know it's easy to say and but harder in practice - I mean I'm also on this crazy journey with you! Keep your experiences posted and good luck!

I thought I would check in since you guys have been so open about your situations. I haven't posted anything lately because I didn't think I had anything constructive to add. Also, like I've said before I feel the yin and yang of everything I say. I couldn't articulate that before. Like that song Revolution, Don't you know you can count me out in. The dead of the afternoon is the worst part of the day for me. I feel better when most people are home from work and enjoying their evening free time too. I've been enjoying this Vietnamese guy who goes by Huy Duc on the PBS Vietnam War series. I found out he was on facebook and messaged him and he wrote back to say thanks. Made my night.

I've never slept well but lately it's gotten worse than ever. I'm sure part of it is because my doctor fired me. That's a whole other story. Since March I've gotten off lexapro, lyrica and reduced my bupe down to about 350 - 500 ug per day with only enough for a few more days. There are probably other meds, but these are the ones that are likely to be problematic and my concentration is fucked due to lack of sleep. So far sweating, lack of energy and insomnia have been the worst symptoms. I know the prognosis is not very good for opioid addiction but there are people here that have done it. I've really got no other choice at the moment. As you know from the partner finding post benzo's are not an option for me anymore. I have been drinking a shot or two of drambuie and chasing it with sips of beer in the evenings and I don't even like alcohol that much (says the guy with 3 dui's). To be fair, my last dui was in 1986 and those were mostly substances in a time when they didn't look for them. I don't know that alcohol really helps with sleep though. I am going to try harder to keep my personal biases out. I know the worst is to come but like you I am an optimist. If I can get thru this, my wife is okay with me looking into doctor administered ketamine for depression. I don't know if my lifetime of extensive drug use will make that not possible. I'm not going to get OCD over this post, I'm just going to post it.

I just wanted to add to FLA - well done for getting down to such a low dose on your buprenorphine- that is an amazing feat! I have remained on 100ml of methadone throughout my benzo nightmare and tackling that seems like climbing Mount Everest right now! When I feel ready I will gradually start to reduce my dose but I don't want to destabilise myself or aggravate my mental health as I am still very much in early recovery from benzo dependency. Keep reminding yourself that you will eventually start feeling better - I remember my opiate withdrawal used to seem endless as I also struggled particularly bad with insomnia... the days would just drag. It will just take some time for your endorphins to self-regulate again. I would avoid going down the benzo route if you have already had issues with them in past. There is no reason for not trying a non-addictive hypnotic like an anti-histamine if you are really struggling or even Valerian root ect. Just remember to hang on in there!