trip407
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2003
- Messages
- 495
So i have been using continuously again since last fall, when i was kicked out of rehab, because i relapsed. The last kick was incredibly stressful on my mind and body, almost traumatic, so i needed a good reason to kick again.
Well and there it is, last month my ex gf contacted me again, to tell me that i am actually the father of her young daughter, not her new partner. They have made a DNA test, and the result was negative for him. I knew i could be the father, when her mom told me the birth date. I calculated back and shivering's went down my spine. It was exactly the last day we both met and had a very fun night together. She had already moved into her own flat. We both drove to Hamburg, red light district and enjoyed ourselves in these countless pubs with heroin, amphetamines and a little drink here and there. We talked very openly about our whole relationship, something she had problems with, when sober. I was happy and hoped for a better future. Of course we ended the night in a drug fuelled intercourse.
One year later, after almost no contact. We talked again about the situation. She told me i can see the baby, if i am not using heroin or any drugs for that matter. It was amazing when i first met that little baby and she was sitting content in my arms smiling at me. That was all i ever hoped for, my own family. It was also clear from her body language, that she worried about me in an angry way. Even though i wanted to meet her as clear as my addiction allowed i failed and was in a bad shape. The implications were clear, i needed to quit(now).
Gladly my diazepam taper was almost through and i was left with my heroin addiction (severe) and amphetamine problem (minor). Its not difficult for me to stop amphetamines, when they are not within my reach. So I've got rid of whatever small stash that was left. Now three weeks ago i switched from heroin to my prescribed 800 mg morphine sulphate. It was a rough switch, but as i got used to it, i tapered every day as much as possible. Last week i checked into a detox center, where i received a quick methadone taper. Unfortunately i got into an argument there with another patient, that culminated into severe insults and threats. I concluded that this environment wouldn't have anything left i could profit from and left against medical advise on my first day without opiates. Now i am home the second day and kill the time with the help of lyrica and a little amphetamine in the morning. Time did fly by this day. I have to admit i don't feel as bad as expected. I get solid sleep every night like at least 6 hours straight. Yesterday i had some minor stomach cramps and the lack of appetite starts to annoy me a little, but this is attributed more to the amphetamine, then withdrawals. If it doesn't change for the worse, i think i can tolerate this kick very good.
Where will this lead now? Is this again a half-hearted try to get clean or will i have the energy, will power and motivation to get this done for good? Four years have gone by since my longest clean stretch of two years. My ex gf kicked her 1,5 year heroin/subutex affair cold turkey, when she knew she was pregnant, all while still working. Admittedly she didn't have a high dose i.v. poly drug addiction and is still in her early twenties, but she still has my full respect. I don't know anyone who has done it that easy and never looked back. Probably she only used because i did and she wanted to be close to me or cope with the situation. Its making me sad i didn't respect her more. It was only when she had moved, i realized what a burden i have put on her. I injected right in front of her eyes, all day, every day. Many evenings i was nothing more then an intoxicated mess from opiates, benzos, pregabalin and synthetic cannabinoids. Unable to even move to bed, barely breathing. My sex drive was severely impaired from opiates, which made her feel worthless and undesirable. I often times still miss her, but it has gotten better over time.
This week i still have holidays. I have put every obligations on hold for now. This week everything that helps, to kick this habit, except benzos and opiates is allowed. When i go back to work, i want to cut it down to a reasonable dose of lyrica and some weed to sleep. I have absolute no cravings now. But they usually tend to come back with full force, when i feel a little better and as someone has put it, " you realize what desaster zone you have left behind". Fortunately i have a job, a nice home and above all a healthy daughter to live for. I really don't see any need in blasting myself into oblivion with heroin.
I need to find a way to cope with emotions and also find new ways to occupy me, especially in the evening. But these are topics i will address when in paws.
Well and there it is, last month my ex gf contacted me again, to tell me that i am actually the father of her young daughter, not her new partner. They have made a DNA test, and the result was negative for him. I knew i could be the father, when her mom told me the birth date. I calculated back and shivering's went down my spine. It was exactly the last day we both met and had a very fun night together. She had already moved into her own flat. We both drove to Hamburg, red light district and enjoyed ourselves in these countless pubs with heroin, amphetamines and a little drink here and there. We talked very openly about our whole relationship, something she had problems with, when sober. I was happy and hoped for a better future. Of course we ended the night in a drug fuelled intercourse.
One year later, after almost no contact. We talked again about the situation. She told me i can see the baby, if i am not using heroin or any drugs for that matter. It was amazing when i first met that little baby and she was sitting content in my arms smiling at me. That was all i ever hoped for, my own family. It was also clear from her body language, that she worried about me in an angry way. Even though i wanted to meet her as clear as my addiction allowed i failed and was in a bad shape. The implications were clear, i needed to quit(now).
Gladly my diazepam taper was almost through and i was left with my heroin addiction (severe) and amphetamine problem (minor). Its not difficult for me to stop amphetamines, when they are not within my reach. So I've got rid of whatever small stash that was left. Now three weeks ago i switched from heroin to my prescribed 800 mg morphine sulphate. It was a rough switch, but as i got used to it, i tapered every day as much as possible. Last week i checked into a detox center, where i received a quick methadone taper. Unfortunately i got into an argument there with another patient, that culminated into severe insults and threats. I concluded that this environment wouldn't have anything left i could profit from and left against medical advise on my first day without opiates. Now i am home the second day and kill the time with the help of lyrica and a little amphetamine in the morning. Time did fly by this day. I have to admit i don't feel as bad as expected. I get solid sleep every night like at least 6 hours straight. Yesterday i had some minor stomach cramps and the lack of appetite starts to annoy me a little, but this is attributed more to the amphetamine, then withdrawals. If it doesn't change for the worse, i think i can tolerate this kick very good.
Where will this lead now? Is this again a half-hearted try to get clean or will i have the energy, will power and motivation to get this done for good? Four years have gone by since my longest clean stretch of two years. My ex gf kicked her 1,5 year heroin/subutex affair cold turkey, when she knew she was pregnant, all while still working. Admittedly she didn't have a high dose i.v. poly drug addiction and is still in her early twenties, but she still has my full respect. I don't know anyone who has done it that easy and never looked back. Probably she only used because i did and she wanted to be close to me or cope with the situation. Its making me sad i didn't respect her more. It was only when she had moved, i realized what a burden i have put on her. I injected right in front of her eyes, all day, every day. Many evenings i was nothing more then an intoxicated mess from opiates, benzos, pregabalin and synthetic cannabinoids. Unable to even move to bed, barely breathing. My sex drive was severely impaired from opiates, which made her feel worthless and undesirable. I often times still miss her, but it has gotten better over time.
This week i still have holidays. I have put every obligations on hold for now. This week everything that helps, to kick this habit, except benzos and opiates is allowed. When i go back to work, i want to cut it down to a reasonable dose of lyrica and some weed to sleep. I have absolute no cravings now. But they usually tend to come back with full force, when i feel a little better and as someone has put it, " you realize what desaster zone you have left behind". Fortunately i have a job, a nice home and above all a healthy daughter to live for. I really don't see any need in blasting myself into oblivion with heroin.
I need to find a way to cope with emotions and also find new ways to occupy me, especially in the evening. But these are topics i will address when in paws.